Sunday, March 2, 2008

Those Who Haven't Heard of the JLA

Friends,

We had a very special service the other day. People were alive with the Justice League. Songs of praise to the Flash filled the air. The Martian Manhunter's spirit was present. Everyone left with firm conviction and a renewed drive to stop the Legion of Doom at all costs.

This week, we tested our faith by passing deadly spiders around the room. Only five people died and those who were bitten and did survive didn't start shooting webs from their palms or show any sort of ability to climb walls, thus proving once again that Marvel teaches false doctrine.

But after we removed the bodies and began to clean the church up, some children whose hearts were filled with the Green Lantern's light asked me:

"Reverend High Priest, we know that everything you say is True and that the Elders' wisdom supersedes that of everyone but our Heroes themselves. We were wondering. If a child is raised on Marvel Comics and their parents never teach them about the DC Comics Truth, will they have to go to Arkham Asylum? Or will the Justice League have mercy and let them enter the Hall of Justice?"

So I answered,

"Children, first of all it isn't up to us to decide who goes to Arkham and who goes to the Hall of Justice. Krypto, the Superdog, will have a list at the Golden Gate. Those whose hearts are full with the wisdom of Superman and lips are filled with the good word of Batgirl, will be allowed to enter.

"Secondly, everyone will hear of Batman at some point in their lives. After they hear his almighty name, they will have a choice. They can follow the righteousness laid out for us by the only True Superheroes or they can continue to follow those who would call themselves the X-Men who really have no superpowers, but think they do because they took too much acid in the 60's. It is after that choice is made that the JLA begins keeping a log containing all their good deeds and all their sinisters.

"So if a child passes before she gets a chance to hear about the wondrous ways of the Elongated Man, chances are Krypto, the Superdog, will allow them to see the Hall of Justice. But if she has heard of Wonder Woman and ignores Her divinity in favor of the Iron Man, well, I'm afraid that Arkham may be the solution to the problem."

The children thanked me and ran home to prepare their daily prayers to the Watchtower, which won't be allowed in our hedonistic, secular humanist public schools thanks to all those liberal activist judges who refuse to allow Batman's teachings in the classroom.

It is not too late for anyone to step into the light, lest doctors wrap your soul in a straight jacket and haul you off in an ambulance to Arkham while you're kicking and screaming in vain.


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8 comments:

AngryMan said...

As Hank Williams would say,
"I saw the Green Lantern's light, I saw the Green Lantern's light, no more darkness, no more night. I saw the Green Lantern's light."

Buzzardbilly said...

I saw some kids on YouTube who had spider bites. They also did not start shooting webs from their palms or climbing walls. Instead, they filmed themselves squeezing previously unfathomable amounts of goo from those bites.

If you (or your readers) are interested, there's a "sorry for being a dick" poetry contest at my blog in honor of Valentine's Day to help those souls who've realized their dickness, yet lack the linguistic skills to make it sound good. We're doing the Bat's work, really.

Malach the Merciless said...

ugh, if Krypto is involved, I want nothing to do with the Hall of Justice, perhaps the worst of the CN original cartoons in the past 2 years, though probably better than Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi!

Malach the Merciless said...

Elvis please help me, I want to Kiss Rogue from the X-men

Jennifer said...

So is this church related to the snake-handling churches here in the deep south? If a true believer gets bit by a snake, what super-hero does he or she turn into? I've always wanted to visit a snake handling church, if there's a chance I'll see someone develop super-powers, I'm even more excited about visiting!

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Malach,

Brace yourself and remember that Marvel preaches false doctrine. The only way anyone should want to kiss Rouge is if she gave her ties to the X-Men and joined the Justice League of America.

Jennifer,

Well, since West Virginia is the only state in the union that still allows snake handling- we figured we'd be offered protection. But ever since the Legion of Doom has moved their base to our state and taken over the legislature, the governor's mansion, and the Supreme Court of Appeals, we wouldn't be surprised if they passed a law banning the use of poisonous spiders so we can weed all the closet Marvelites and Legion sympathizors out of our sacred shrines.

I'm not sure if you'll see any snake handlers develop superpowers. If they do, chances are they came from Krypton and the snake poison brought out their true nature.

Ananke said...

But were they RADIOACTIVE deadly spiders? I hear that's the difference. ;-)

Elvis Drinkmo said...

We only let children under 6 play with the more deadly radiated spiders and none of them showed any signs of being able to shoot webs out of their palms.

Clearly, Marvel is filled with false prophets and wicked blasphemers against the Batman. They claim to be committed to peace and understanding, but their real goal is to lead people's souls straight to Arkham Asylum.