Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Make That 36- McCain/Palin '08

The First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets proudly joins with 35 other tax-exempt churches' pastors to endorse McCain/Palin for the White House. The IRS can kiss our Justice League-loving asses because we are not going to pay taxes, but we are going to help throw this election and see to it that this damn wall protected by secular humanist liberals which separates church and state falls even harder than the one the commies built to divide the city of Berlin, Germany.

If we can't have Dick Cheney, a real man of the people, we'll settle for Sarah Palin. It's time for us to bury the hatchet (at least until this election election is over) with all those pictureless comic book fans who tell lies and spread falsehoods about prophets, saviors, and a God who can't even pilot a starship. We need to focus on the one thing we have in common: creating a theocracy and bringing about the end of the world as we know it. Maybe we can even cut a deal: they can hang their witches and devil worshipers if we can burn Dominion sympathizors to the stake and round up all the suspected changlings and place them in front of a few firing squads.

Now, you're probably wondering why would support a guy whose more than likely linked directly to the Borg Queen herself and a woman who takes her marching orders directly from Gorilla Grodd and Poison Ivy and other notorious card-carrying members of the Legion of Doom.

Well, here's our reasons:

1) With fundamentalist Christians at the helm we have have a better change of unleashing our nuclear arsenal on the rest of the world. And like us, they would destroy all those useless cities and incinerate all those people in the name of peace and love. The only difference is that they believe Jesus Christ will come down on a cloud to set things right; whereas we know the Truth as taught to us by the Prophet Gene Roddenberry. The Vulcans will be the ones coming, not Jesus. I mean, you ever heard of a warp-powered cloud? I hardly think so. When the Vulcans arrive even the Christians will be forced to embrace their logic.

2) Governor Palin's overwhelming and superior knowledge of foreign policy. Let's the face the facts: from 1922 to 1991, the Soviet Union practically acted as a beacon sending messages to the Borg Collective's home world over in the Delta Quadrant feeding them information on how best to conquer the Alpha Quadrant. That threat is still with us today and Palin has single-handedly kept the Soviet Premier Vladamir Putin from invading and taking over the state of Alaska where they would undoubtedly hand it over to the Borg for assimilation.

3) The daily threats we face from the Borg, the Dominion, Lex Luthor, the Rouges Gallery, the Romulans, and the Joker cannot be handled by a bunch of wimpy ass, liberal, lefty socialists who foolishly believe that you can bring about peace, love and equality by promoting peace, love and equality. We join hands with the pictureless comic books fans in acknowledging that the only way to create a better world is to bomb the living shit out of every living thing on the planet. It's the only way to show them how much we love them and how we want them to join us and how we want their quality of life to be just as good as our own.

4) The most important reason we are supporting McCain/Palin in contrast to some of the sermons we have been preaching is because we are the leaders of you church and you don't question our decisions. We believe in democracy and the American way; therefore we give your orders and you follow them. We tell you how to think and you obey. This, friends, is true freedom and if you haven't learned this simple fact by now, say "Hi" to the Riddler when you're locked up in Arkham Asylum for all eternity.

There you have it. Now, get your weekly church contributions in immediately so we can help install an administration that will bring us another eight years of peace and prosperity.


Conversations with Batman

As I walk the beach on a cool summer evening I find myself sitting upon a rock and sitting in silence.

I meditate and try to feel the strength that flows from the Green Lantern's might. I picture myself floating in the center of the universe near the planet Oa; where the Guardians first gave life to the Green Lantern Corps. I feel their cause of justice flow through me like a warm breeze, but it brings me no peace. If I were to be handed a Green power ring, would I find it? My very being yearns for this peace like a drowning clown yearns to shed his floppy shoes so that he may gracefully move his body forward and kick his way through the water to safety.

I begin walking again in the empty land of nature's music. I stare out upon the ocean and a voice cries out through my mouth from an unwilling soul that rests within my weary body, "Batman! What is this all for?"

There is no answer.

So I keep on walking in search of the Eternal Meaning. A brief glance into the sky brings forth but a shimmer of the Batsignal in the clouds and my heart takes this as a sign that the Bat is indeed with me. I can't see His footprints so perhaps He is carrying me or maybe he has a new car that doesn't leave no tracks. For I am riding shotgun where the Boy Wonder should be sitting.

So I ask Him, "Batman, what is the meaning of life?" He doesn't respond or even look in my small direction, but I'm sure that he is there; nurturing my doubts and guiding me through times of trouble. Again I am silent, for the Batman is with me. What more could I need?

Here, I am safe from the Joker and the laughing gas..........

To be continued.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Special Election Coverage 2008: Voting Pro-Protouniverse

The November election is almost upon us and we ask you, have you given any thought today to the right of the protouniverse to exist?

We've told you this once before, but we must reiterate our orders. You have to vote pro-protouniverse if you want to avoid the pain, agony and damnation of being linked to Borg collective for all eternity. This isn't a request. If you want to walk with Starfleet and commune with your righteous fellows of this church, we expect you to take our orders about voting seriously.

The Star Trek scriptures teach us of how our beloved Captain Benjamin Sisko made the choice and He chose life protecting the proto-universe at all costs (Star Trek DS9 2:17). Therefore, we demand that His example be written into law so that we may force our beliefs on everyone because ours are the only beliefs that are true.

Is it too much to ask for you to get and line and vote the right way? Look at all the sacrifices Captain Sisko has made for you by defending our way of life from the Dominion. All we're asking is that you check out every candidate from county commissioner to assessor to state senator to the presidency and find out where they stand on the rights of the protouniverse. Find out whether they support the protouniverse's right to exist or whether they believe that these infant universes should be eliminated on demand. We don't want universe killers running our government. Do we? Do we want nine Supreme Court Justices who would vote to kill the beginnings of an entire universe? No. And we don't want them running our school boards either.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Reverend D., what about the economy, the environment, our national infrastructure?" And my reply is- what do you think the Borg would do to our economy? They don't use money and they don't have no need for roads. As for the environment, have you ever seen a planet after a Borg invasion? You can't argue with this logic. No, friends, protecting the right of the protouniverse to exist is the greatest mission upon which we can embark.

So you need to know where the candidates stand on this important issue. It is the only issue that you as a non commissioned officer need concern yourself. Don't worry about this life. If you vote the way we instruct you, the next life will be filled with the pleasure and joy that comes from serving aboard the Enterprise E with Captain Picard or on Deep Space Nine with Captain Sisko and Major Kira; a life free from pain and high gas prices and a slumping economy and all those commie Borg collaborators running our media outlets- the ones who pretend a nation's well being is more important than Federation values.

Remember your priorities, friends. That's all we ask.


Friday, September 19, 2008

Special Election Coverage '08: Putting the Truth About Creation Back in Our Schools

The news reports that vice-presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, wants creationism taught in public schools. In case you're unfamiliar with this term, "creationism" means teaching kids that some guy with big white beard created the heavens and the earth all by himself in seven days. The story of creationism comes from the pictureless comic book known as the Holy Bible and it includes an account of how this guy who calls himself God and goes by the superhero name "Jehovah" created men (Adam) out of some dust and women (Eve) by ripping out one of Adam's ribs.

Simple logic can dispel this madness. First of all, we know that God never enlisted in Starfleet, was never promoted to captain, and was never put in charge of a Galaxy-class starship. This smacks against everything that a true believer holds dear. If someone can't lead an armada to fight the Borg, then how can he lead the creation of a planet? I mean let's think about this for a minute.

Second, there is no indication that God had access to a tricorder. How are we supposed to believe that this medical wonder could have occurred with out the use of this indispensable technology? The Star Trek scriptures teach us of how Commander Data created life when he made his daughter. It is sheer blasphemy to suggest that any being could rival the intelligence and ingenuity of the Federation's only functioning android. I think it's safe to say that this Jehovah guy couldn't even create an interesting holosuite, let alone a world. And if he could, why the hell didn't he? For that matter, why didn't he take a couple extra days to invent photon torpedoes and starships? Was he unaware of the hostile aliens which live within the borders of the Gamma and Delta Quadrants?

An omniscient being? I hardly think so.

Lastly, it is an affront to our faith and the Truth to suggest that Captain Jean Luc Picard was wrong in His discoveries on how life began on earth. The scriptures teach us that our DNA was programmed to evolve by a group of conscientious aliens and Captain Picard was whisked back in time by Q to witness the first combustion that would eventually lead to intelligent beings. It's right there in the episodes, people. How much clearer does it need to be?

This is what we want taught in our schools. We need to rid ourselves of Darwin and Palin and get straight down to the facts. If only our children could be made to pray to Starfleet and watch the Next Generation episode "All Good Things...." everyday for twelve straight years. Anything less would be offensive and intolerable to us. We won't stand for heretical teachings in our public schools without a balance that is sensitive to those who believe that the Vulcans are on their way to bring peace and restore the planet.


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

A Prayer for Humility

At the request of my man, Jackie, we would would like to repost this very sacred prayer so that people everywhere can have something in their lives that will bring them a little bit closer to the Hall of Justice.

Now friends, let us bow our heads in prayer.

Dear Hawkgirl, who art from Thanagar, hallow be thy name.

We ask you to help us through our errors and mistakes that we make as we dwell in this sector. For we are only mortals beneath the glorious grace of the Justice League's watchful eye. Please guide us through these perilous times and help us to avoid the temptations laid out for us by the Legion of Doom and their deadly mind control beams.

We understand the trials and tribulations that you were forced to undergo when the Thanagarians invaded this planet. We understand how difficult the choice must have been having to choose between your people and your friends in the Justice League. We can only hope to have but a mere ounce of your courage and your strength as we struggle with problems that pale in comparison to your own.

Oh mighty Hawkgirl, we praise and honor you daily and ask that you continue to spread your wings over the quadrant. We ask that you continue to smash the bad guys, falling asteroids, and all those who would choose to oppose our beliefs with your powerful mace.

In the name of justice and all that is Holy we pray to you,



Friday, September 12, 2008

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 8

In the comic book world of the Holy Bible, in the pictureless graphic novel known as "the New Testament" they tell a story about a woman known as the Virgin Mary. We don't know if this was her superhero name, but there are also references to her as the Madonna. So we can't be sure what name she went by or if she wore a cowl and leather when she became "the Madonna" because the people who published these comics weren't considerate enough to draw us any pictures- any faith that doesn't consider this stuff important is doomed to failure.

What we do know is that Mary is considered a hero to the people who read these comic books. She didn't seem to be much of a crime fighter, but she did endure quite a bit throughout her life.

One superpower she does seem to have is the ability to impregnate herself without a partner which would be an indispensable quality if we needed to quickly form an army of people to fight off the Legion of Doom. Within two or three years, she could have popped out four new Teen Titans. But, as far as we know, she never signed up to become a member of the Justice League so all that talent was wasted on some guy who came here to bring peace.

A story of interest is the one where she was pregnant and she went with her new husband to find a hiding place from some supervillian named King Herod. Apparently, Herod had all the newborns around him killed because some fortune teller told him that a baby was about to born who would eventually rule all the nations including his own. Mary and her new sidekick, Joseph, eventually found Bethlehem where she gave birth to Jesus and then kept him safe for a team of shepherds to visit after following a star or a flare from a gun- we're not sure which because, again, there are no pictures to illustrate what really happened.

Now, just imagine if the Black Canary were in this situation instead of Mary.

If some supervillian had put out a death threat on the Black Canary, She would have kicking people's asses all over the Mediterranean. Pregnant or not, any soldier who approached Her would be picking up their teeth and rolling around on the floor to keep from drowning in their own blood.

The Black Canary would have went straight to the source and rode her bike on over to the palace and cornered King Herod just before tattooing his face with her knuckles. She'd be kicking "the King" all over his bedroom and bashing his head into walls. For the grand encore, she would have let off a siren wail that would would have brought the entire castle to the ground. There wouldn't have been a guard in that palace that would have been able to stop Her. The ones brave enough to face Her would quickly fall and the rest would have run off screaming like babies and pissing in their tunics.

So you see, the choice here is obvious. In a really tight spot would rather have have the Virgin Mary come to aid or would you want the Black Canary to come screaming onto the scene to rescue you and make all of your enemies pay. I mean immaculate conception is nice, but it ain't nothing compared to a glass shattering scream followed by some ass-kicking judo.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

A Few Revisions


I'm sure you noticed we've been away. The Elders and I have been gone these past few weeks because we have been consulting an independent citizens' panel on how better to run this holy institution and how to herd more sheep into that glorious place that the world knows as the Hall of Justice; a place where all your worries and fears will smother in the shadow of the Batman, Wonder Woman and the JLA.

Here are the panel's major recommendations:

1) They have suggested that we raise our salaries by 33% and cut our actual working months down to two. Now, if that sounds like a state legislature near you, it's probably just a coincidence.

2) They have told us that our membership fees are too low and that we need to raise the premiums on our members. They seem to think that we're not being competitive enough with other major faiths. Afterall, every good capitalist knows that competition breeds innovation especially when it's done on the backs of those who can least afford it. Mix religion with capitalism and what you have is a Molotov cocktail ready to explode and spread a zealous fire of pure righteousness.

3) Lastly, this panel feels that we're not emphasizing enough negativity in our sermons. This also has to do with competition. Other faiths scare their people with some boring place called hell when we have the Borg Collective and Arkham Asylum to hang over people's heads. I mean let's face it. Hell looks like a really fun Halloween party compared to being spread out on on operating table by Borg drones and having your eyeballs pulled out of your head with no anesthesia or any access to Vicoden.

So in the upcoming months we plan to implement these new suggestions in order to run a more effective soul saving operation. If you're not happy with these changes, think about how much you would enjoy having your arms and legs ripped off and replaced with the latest Borg technology.

All Praise Be to Hawkgirl for the light that this panel has shown to us and the world.