Friday, September 19, 2008

Special Election Coverage '08: Putting the Truth About Creation Back in Our Schools

The news reports that vice-presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, wants creationism taught in public schools. In case you're unfamiliar with this term, "creationism" means teaching kids that some guy with big white beard created the heavens and the earth all by himself in seven days. The story of creationism comes from the pictureless comic book known as the Holy Bible and it includes an account of how this guy who calls himself God and goes by the superhero name "Jehovah" created men (Adam) out of some dust and women (Eve) by ripping out one of Adam's ribs.

Simple logic can dispel this madness. First of all, we know that God never enlisted in Starfleet, was never promoted to captain, and was never put in charge of a Galaxy-class starship. This smacks against everything that a true believer holds dear. If someone can't lead an armada to fight the Borg, then how can he lead the creation of a planet? I mean let's think about this for a minute.

Second, there is no indication that God had access to a tricorder. How are we supposed to believe that this medical wonder could have occurred with out the use of this indispensable technology? The Star Trek scriptures teach us of how Commander Data created life when he made his daughter. It is sheer blasphemy to suggest that any being could rival the intelligence and ingenuity of the Federation's only functioning android. I think it's safe to say that this Jehovah guy couldn't even create an interesting holosuite, let alone a world. And if he could, why the hell didn't he? For that matter, why didn't he take a couple extra days to invent photon torpedoes and starships? Was he unaware of the hostile aliens which live within the borders of the Gamma and Delta Quadrants?

An omniscient being? I hardly think so.

Lastly, it is an affront to our faith and the Truth to suggest that Captain Jean Luc Picard was wrong in His discoveries on how life began on earth. The scriptures teach us that our DNA was programmed to evolve by a group of conscientious aliens and Captain Picard was whisked back in time by Q to witness the first combustion that would eventually lead to intelligent beings. It's right there in the episodes, people. How much clearer does it need to be?

This is what we want taught in our schools. We need to rid ourselves of Darwin and Palin and get straight down to the facts. If only our children could be made to pray to Starfleet and watch the Next Generation episode "All Good Things...." everyday for twelve straight years. Anything less would be offensive and intolerable to us. We won't stand for heretical teachings in our public schools without a balance that is sensitive to those who believe that the Vulcans are on their way to bring peace and restore the planet.



Malach the Merciless said...

Palin would be extra hot is a Starfleet Uniform

The Film Geek said...

I'm struck at how much Palin looks like Barbara (Batgirl) Gordon.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

We have two counts of heresy in this thread already.

1) Palin would not look good in a Starfleet uniform. Her belief in this seven day creation thing would automatically exclude her from joining Starfleet Academy. A Borg uniform with the eyepiece and mechanical arm is more of what we had in mind.

2) Palin does not in anyway resemble Our Holy Batgirl. Despite what blasphemous media outlets who serve the Legion of Doom's minions have tried to tell the people, Batgirl's hair is red, not brown.

However, since the Elders believe that both your hearts are sincere with the love of the Justice League and Captain James T. Kirk, we offer forgiveness. We only ask that you say three Hail Starfleets and toss a handful of salt over your left shoulder.

Jackie said...

Jesus Rev, just when I think you've written the greatest blog post ever...I read your comments and I have to totally re-evaluate whatever the hell I was thinking.

Keep...It...Up.... :D:D:D

Aphra said...

How does the Flying Spaghetti Monster fit in with all this? Methinks it deserves equal consideration.

Chris James said...

I was soooo bummed when it turned out to be some ghey science message instead of some sort of badass weapon to teacher the Borg and the Dominion a lesson.