I'm sure you noticed we've been away. The Elders and I have been gone these past few weeks because we have been consulting an independent citizens' panel on how better to run this holy institution and how to herd more sheep into that glorious place that the world knows as the Hall of Justice; a place where all your worries and fears will smother in the shadow of the Batman, Wonder Woman and the JLA.
Here are the panel's major recommendations:
1) They have suggested that we raise our salaries by 33% and cut our actual working months down to two. Now, if that sounds like a state legislature near you, it's probably just a coincidence.
2) They have told us that our membership fees are too low and that we need to raise the premiums on our members. They seem to think that we're not being competitive enough with other major faiths. Afterall, every good capitalist knows that competition breeds innovation especially when it's done on the backs of those who can least afford it. Mix religion with capitalism and what you have is a Molotov cocktail ready to explode and spread a zealous fire of pure righteousness.
3) Lastly, this panel feels that we're not emphasizing enough negativity in our sermons. This also has to do with competition. Other faiths scare their people with some boring place called hell when we have the Borg Collective and Arkham Asylum to hang over people's heads. I mean let's face it. Hell looks like a really fun Halloween party compared to being spread out on on operating table by Borg drones and having your eyeballs pulled out of your head with no anesthesia or any access to Vicoden.
So in the upcoming months we plan to implement these new suggestions in order to run a more effective soul saving operation. If you're not happy with these changes, think about how much you would enjoy having your arms and legs ripped off and replaced with the latest Borg technology.
All Praise Be to Hawkgirl for the light that this panel has shown to us and the world.