Thursday, September 11, 2008

A Few Revisions

Friends,

I'm sure you noticed we've been away. The Elders and I have been gone these past few weeks because we have been consulting an independent citizens' panel on how better to run this holy institution and how to herd more sheep into that glorious place that the world knows as the Hall of Justice; a place where all your worries and fears will smother in the shadow of the Batman, Wonder Woman and the JLA.

Here are the panel's major recommendations:

1) They have suggested that we raise our salaries by 33% and cut our actual working months down to two. Now, if that sounds like a state legislature near you, it's probably just a coincidence.

2) They have told us that our membership fees are too low and that we need to raise the premiums on our members. They seem to think that we're not being competitive enough with other major faiths. Afterall, every good capitalist knows that competition breeds innovation especially when it's done on the backs of those who can least afford it. Mix religion with capitalism and what you have is a Molotov cocktail ready to explode and spread a zealous fire of pure righteousness.

3) Lastly, this panel feels that we're not emphasizing enough negativity in our sermons. This also has to do with competition. Other faiths scare their people with some boring place called hell when we have the Borg Collective and Arkham Asylum to hang over people's heads. I mean let's face it. Hell looks like a really fun Halloween party compared to being spread out on on operating table by Borg drones and having your eyeballs pulled out of your head with no anesthesia or any access to Vicoden.

So in the upcoming months we plan to implement these new suggestions in order to run a more effective soul saving operation. If you're not happy with these changes, think about how much you would enjoy having your arms and legs ripped off and replaced with the latest Borg technology.

All Praise Be to Hawkgirl for the light that this panel has shown to us and the world.

10 comments:

Malach the Merciless said...

What is this Scientology?

JDB said...

Are you implying that said unnamed state legislature is . . . um, "holy?"

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Malach,

We were disappointed when we discovered that Scientology wasn't a religion founded upon comic books with scientists shedding their lab coats to whip ass on some bad people. We are nothing like these scientologists because we understand that gods and prophets who don't have superpowers and gadgets or fly starships aren't worth following. If they can't thrash evil with phaser banks and baterangs then why should we listen to their theories on life?

JDB,

There is nothing holy about this unnamed legislature. The are filled with Legion of Doom rot and Borg propaganda, but they are two notches above this particular state's chief executive- which ain't sayin' a whole hell of alot.

The Film Geek said...

Great post! And glad you are back.

Donutbuzz said...

It's good to see you back, too!! Do The Elders have any thoughts on building a theme park to help in recruitment?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Thanks, Film Geek and Donut Buzz. It is through Batgirl's grace that we manage to continue to spread the Truth.

The Elders have indeed laid out plans for an amusement park. Most notably, we would like to have a room where we can display how life really began in the galaxy by reenacting Captain Picard's discoveries in the STNG episode, "The Chase". First on the list to invite to come and visit is Governor Palin of Alaska.

Anne Johnson said...

I think it sort of counts that scientology was "founded" by a science fiction writer who wasn't making enough off his books...

Rev. Elvis - a point of nit-picky theology: If I have a Borg-like titanium hip, does that make me unclean to the Church of DC?

Anne Johnson said...

I think it sort of counts that scientology was "founded" by a science fiction writer who wasn't making enough off his books...

Rev. Elvis - a point of nit-picky theology: If I have a Borg-like titanium hip, does that make me unclean to the Church of DC?

Anne Johnson said...

See, I'm unworthy. I hit the comment button twice. Batwoman just would not do that.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

It's ok to have a titanium hip, Anne. Just remember that Borg nanoprobes can easily spread through the body through those artificial parts so be sure to always keep Captain Jean Luc Picard in your heart and to hold the orders of Starfleet Command as sacred.