Monday, January 7, 2008

Fatwa #8: On Joel Schumacher

Fatwa 8:

The Elders hereby demand the arrest and detention of movie producer, Joel Schumacher, based on the following crimes of blasphemy against this church and Batman, himself:

1) Using the movie Batman Forever to promote a false doctrine which claims that Harvey "Two-Face" Dent killed Robin's parents.

2) Producing the movie Batman and Robin- a crime in and of itself. But this work of blasphemy is also guilty of:

- allowing Arnold Schwarzenegger to be cast as Mr. Freeze.

- allowing Alicia Silverstone to play the role of Batgirl.

- committing heresy against Batgirl by not mentioning that Barbara Gordon is the daughter of police commissioner Gordon. Also her hair is red, not blond- that alone should have burned the eyeballs out of the heads of mere mortals watching this "movie".

3) Lastly, for showing an overall blatant display of disrespect for the Holy DC Scriptures by daring to speak untruths about Our Heroes.

For these crimes, Schumacher must be brought before this church for trial and sentence. His Legion of Doom sympathizer allies in Hollywood can't protect him forever.

(Note to Tim Burton, the only reason you're escaping these same charges is because of Jack Nicholson's stellar performance as the Joker. And well, Mars Attacks was pretty cool.)


Update:

The Elders have adjourned and the decision has been rendered to add two new charges to Schumacher's crimes against the only true religion:

- Batgirl was cast with a little mask rather than the full cowl with bat ears that scriptures prove she wore.

- he neglected to recast Billy Dee Williams in the role of Harvey Dent. Even though the first Batman was filled with heresy and blasphemy- two blasphemies don't make a truth.

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets would like to thank Ananke and Chris James for helping to add a few more eternities on Joel Schumacher's imposed sentence of lockdown within the walls of Arkham Asylum.

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5 comments:

Ananke said...

In Joel's defense, he did cast the delicious George Clooney as Batman. Yummmm.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

The Elders, being the open-minded and tolerant beings that they are, have weighed all the facts. George Clooney's hotness and his Appalachian roots were taken into consideration. We also consider the damn good-looking Uma Thurman to be one of the chosen people. I mean, Tim Burton was granted reprieve- which only the Elders can explain and we do not question the wisdom of the Elders- that path leads to Arkham.

But the Elders decided to rule in favor of the Truth versus lies, desecration, and heresy. We can't allow these Legion of Doom sympathizers get away with spreading false doctrine by telling people that Two-Face killed Robin's parents or that Batgirl has blond hair or that the Joker killed Batman's parents.

If we allow this kind of unspeakable falsehoods to spread and exist baterangs will come falling out of the sky and they won't be too particular about whom they hit.

Ananke said...

I gotta agree with the Batgirl argument. There's no reason why Alicia Silverstone couldn't have dyed her hair for a role. Plus, she didn't wear the bat ears, she just opted for that little mask. This whole series of movies played fast and loose with the Batman story, that's for sure.

Chris James said...

I like HArvey Dent better when he was played by Lando.


Damn, I need me a Colt 45 'bout now.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Hell yeah, Chris. Why didn't they just go ahead and recast Billy Dee Williams?

Add another charge to Schumacher's profile.