We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of United Federation of Planets spend a lot of time telling you who is going to go to Arkham Asylum when they die and who will be joining the Borg Collective for an afterlife party full of pain, torment, and zombie-like obedience. Afterall, these numbers include about 99.9% of our government and an even higher percentage of Hollywood actors. In fact, it's safe to say that 9 out of every 10 people reading this will not reach the Hall of Justice in the next life or become commissioned officers in Starfleet.
But we would like to start the New Year off by telling you about some of the people who may, in fact, have the Justice League of America smiling down upon them from the Almighty Watchtower. We must remember that even Batman is a merciful hero who will take pity on us; unless we happen take up sides with the Penguin.
Bloggers from West Virginia deserve a special note. Ever since the Black Manta sailed his submarine into the Kanawha River and convinced Governor Joe Manchin to hang "Open for Business" signs all over the state, we've had our hands full battling the evil minions of darkness. The First Church learned early on that "Open for Business" was nothing more than a secret code for Legion of Doom arch-villains to take up temporary residence in our mountains where they can plan sinister operations, each one more devious than the last. (And it's also common knowledge that our state legislature is filled with Borg drones and shape-shifters. They have to consume large amounts of booze while they're in session so that no one discovers they aren't entirely human.)
So here's the role call of some bloggers whom you should visit often, from West Virginia, Appalachia, the United States, and Beyond:
The Film Geek- granted he did violate an issued Fatwa commanding him not to watch that Marvelite blasphemy, Ghost Rider. But the Elders have decided to grant him reprieve and have included him amongst the honored and blessed souls of this dimension and others.
Buzzard Billy is one of the faithful whose soul cannot falter. She has recently declared her desire to live a life worthy of the Bat which means that the Holy Trinity: Batman, Batgirl, and Robin will be smiling upon her. We suggest you do the same unless being smacked with a baterang upside the head is something you enjoy.
Chris James from A Sour Apple Tree is someone you need to hear. His bodyguards helped foil a plot by the Borg and Bizzaro Legion of Doom sympathizors from taking over Huntington.
Saved by the Torso is run by Jackie, a Marvelite heretic, who has also been granted amnesty by the Elders and this church. While Jackie still insists that Prince Namor has a claim to the world that we all know belongs to Aquaman, we still dig him and appreciate his efforts to help Little Jackie understand the wondrous and True ways of the Bat.
Scarlet Tanager is another wonderful blogger with a heart so big that she might be convinced to create tissue boxes for all you lost souls that will need a whole lot of those tissues for your crying eyes once you realize that eternity for you lies within the walls of Arkham Asylum.
Hoyt from Donut Buzz deserves your undivided attention as does Primalscreamx from Don't Print This. Both bloggers will one day walk with Starfleet and if you wish to do the same, we suggest that you visit their blogs and hear what they have to say.
We also recommend that you drop by Jennyville for it is as a sacred a place to visit as Smallville, Gotham City, or Metropolis itself. Where else can you learn to make Tiramisu, one the foods that reportedly caught the attention of the Kryptonians- which in turn convinced them to send their only begotten son, Superman, to save us from our sinisters.
JDB from Infinity Ranch understands that a God who can't even shoot laser beams from his eyeballs or defend himself from a Klingon disruptor has no business being placed in our schools. And Alabama's own Jennifer from The Infinite Sphere has graciously offered to use her rope and grapple to place the True commandments that truly belong in schools and courthouses- those from the Justice League of America. Her soul will be forever be blessed by Batgirl and all the bountiful blessings She offers.
Ananke from Confused and Amused is keeping Starfleet Command alive down in Kentucky- she hasn't violated a single one of their commandments and will one day serve with Captain Picard. As will Aphra from The Answers 42 who heeds the call of Lieutenant Uhura's hails from her abode in the isles of Great Britain.
We have Anne, once Marvelite infidel- turned Milk and Cheese Slave Graphic adherent from the The Gods Are Bored and Rosie from Smokey Mountain Breakdown, an anime'ithiest. Both follow strange and mystical beliefs that only the doctors in Arkham can truly understand, but the Martian Manhunter has chosen to bless to them and we do not question J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter.
And we should not forget Rebecca from Carpe You Some Diem who shall one day carpe diem with Captain Jean Luc Picard aboard the Enterprise E, The Blonde Goddess who has secured the blessings of Catwoman's good side (or maybe her bad side- we ain't sure), Juanuhcis' Way, The Glamorous Life of a Hausfrau, Wabi-sabi, Muzings, This is Not My Blog, and Jelly Filled- all bloggers who will witness the glory that is the Hall of Justice and sit at the Green Lantern's side. Even Muze, who I've disagreed with on some issues in the past, will one day get to stand with Hawkgirl and behold the Thanagarian might.
There's also a site you might try with pictures of a beautiful family and some geeky communist guy named Chad- who is such a loser, I'll bet he owns all three X-Men movies on DVD and even a few Spiderman movies on VHS. Poor Lisa.
Thank you all for making this dark heathen world full of infidels, sinisters, hostile aliens and arch-supervillains a little brighter for the members of this fundamentalist and intolerant church of self-righteous beings.
Fundamentalism, Arkham, Hall of Justice, Blessed Souls, Barbarian Heathens