Friday, January 25, 2008

Third Party Comics

The other day I was out on the street trying to convince people to give up their sinister ways and live a life worthy of the Batman. I was waving the Batman Chronicles around in their faces and telling them about how they can enter the Hall of Justice as well as about the horrors they may have to face inside Arkham Asylum if they do not give themselves to the JLA. That was when a guy walked by and in his hand was none other than a Spawn comic book.

Now, let's discuss this for a minute.

There are two major comic book publishers in this country: DC and Marvel. Of course, DC is filled with lessons of morality and righteousness while Marvel fills people's minds with unclean thoughts and words of blasphemy.

But what is this Image Comics? I'll tell you. Image Comics does nothing but spoil things for DC Comics. Every time a kid picks up a copy of Spawn, that's money and support that could have been used on one of only two viable comic book publishers. Every time a person wastes a dollar on an independent or third party comic book, they're throwing it away and offering backhanded support to the wrong publisher, Marvel.

One thing I don't want to hear from these loony independent comic book readers is that there is no difference these days between DC and Marvel. That is completely untrue. DC shows Heroes like Batman kicking the shit out of His enemies and Marvel shows heroes like Daredevil kicking the shit out of his enemies.

I mean, come on, people. There is no such thing as the perfect comic book. If you don't like the Green Lantern then get out there and show your support for the Flash. If the Green Lantern is all that's left then just suck it up, get with the program, and buy it. Don't go digging through the racks looking for a hero like Spawn. There is no way that a single knight is going to ride into town and save us all from our sinisters. Every time you purchase a a comic book published by Image, you're helping Marvel win the culture war. When you're reading Spawn instead of Batman, you're really just showing your support for the X-Men whether you admit it or not.

Grow up. This is America, land of the free, where we have choices. And those choices have been all but narrowed down by law to two: DC or Marvel. There's your options, anything else is just a waste of everybody's time. Your ego is not as important as this wonderful system we have going; where only one of two comic book publishers will prevail. What you believe in, who you think is honest and who isn't and the things you stand for are not as important as making sure this remains a two comic book publisher nation. If you don't believe me, just ask the people over here.



Rosie said...

Where does Hellboy fit in. Is he a buddy of Spawn's?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Hellboy is another one of those candidates, I mean comic books, that steal support that rightfully belongs to one of the two major parties, I mean comic book publishers.