Once again, the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets will turn its attention to some questions that our readers have asked us.
We remind you that we don't have the answers to everything- just the answers to everything that matters. And of course, you will find more insight in our responses than you will find here or here.
Dear Reverend Elvis,
Some of my friends at school have been telling me that the First Church is full of hypocrites. They say that you, in particular, are a fraud and that I would be better off following the Fantastic Four or Daredevil. They tell me that it isn't right for you or any church to promote peace, understanding, and non-violence while worshiping Heroes who regularly beat their enemies to a pulp and Starfleet Captains who disregard the Prime Directive whenever it suits them.
Please give me some advice on how I can approach these friends when they criticize everything that is true.
- Alive with the Batcave
You need new friends. Plain and simple. A path led by infidels is a path to Arkham Asylum. I mean ask yourself, who are these kids to be questioning the motives of Captain James T. Kirk?
But to address the matter at hand, we are not hypocrites for advocating non-violence while worshiping Heroes who will knock the shit clean out of those who oppose them. (At this point it is important to remind our readers that too much thinking can also become a path to Arkham, we advise against it.)
However, if you feel the need for clarity remember of the words of the Bat from Batman Chronicles 1:
"Well, kids, there's your proof. Crooks are yellow without their guns. Don't go around admiring them... rather do your best in fighting them and all their kind!"
Dear Pastor D.,
Is there a way for us to invest and make loads of money while still remaining true to goals laid out for us in the scriptures of DC Comics?
- Batgirl's Devoted Servant
That is a difficult question.
We know that Bruce Wayne had loads of money and Oliver Queen wasn't that bad off either. The scriptures tell us that Wonder Woman was an Amazon princess, so she must have had some loot.
But you should always remember, it is ok for our Heroes and the leaders of this church to do some things that the average person should not. However, we think that it would be alright for you to make millions if you give 85% of it to this church and spend another 10% on candidates who support a constitutional amendment that would allow us to bring Superman's teachings back into the classroom. That will leave you with 5% and a soul that might just get to enter the Hall of Justice.
Dear High Priest of the Truth,
I'm having troubles with my boyfriend. I've been praying to Captain Kirk and fasting for Spock in hopes that things will get better between the two of us. I have been studying all three seasons of the original Star Trek and trying to learn all I can about what it takes to make a relationship work.
Do have any other advice?
- Captain Picard's First Yeoman
You've done yourself a wonderful favor by learning the ways of Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock.
However, I would recommend turning your attention away from the Original Series for a moment and begin to explore the scriptures laid out in the episodes of Deep Space Nine. While Captain Kirk is the King when it comes to starting new relationships, Captain Benjamin Sisko can help you understand what it takes to make them last. Lieutenant Dax can also help guide you in the ways of love because she has eight lives (well, actually nine counting Ezri) of experience in such matters with various males, females, aliens and entities. It is here that your answers should be sought.
Dear Holy Messenger of Starfleet,
Lately, I've been depressed. My doctor thinks it's seasonal, but it is starting to give me aches and pains around my neck. Is there a dance I can perform or a song I can sing that will make this depression go away?
- Gratitude Be with Lt. Commander Tuvok
First off, dump the doctor. Any quack who thinks that winter causes depression has obviously never been to the Andorian Academy of Art. Clearly, this guy is a total crackpot.
There are a few things you can try. Spinning in circles while humming the theme song from Star Trek The Original Series can help lift your spirits. You might also try going to a crowded local restaurant, standing on a table and singing the 60's Batman TV show theme- that will certainly take your mind off any other problems you might be facing.
But the best thing you can do right now is call your bosses and tell them your taking the next month off for spiritual healing. Then barricade yourself in the basement and begin watching Star Trek from the pilot episode with Captain Pike to the last episode with Captain Archer. That is really the only way you'll begin to understand the Truth and become one with Starfleet. I promise your depression will lift quicker than a Federation runabout trapped on the Breen homeworld once you understand what Starfleet Command has to offer us.
Thank you all for submitting your questions. Remember, it is our job to bring the Word of Batman and spread the love of Captain Picard. If there is anyway, we can help you deal with this Borg infested world run by the Legion of Doom, please let us know.