Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Important Message for the Upcoming Weeks

Good evening,

Here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of United Federation of Planets we understand that the majority of you who are reading this are headed straight for Arkham Asylum. That being said, we are in the business of saving souls and we want to save yours by letting you know that Batgirl has good news to share with you. We want you to know that by following the path laid out for us by the JLA and Starfleet Command, you too can know the bliss that comes from knowing that Captain James T. Kirk was on a five year mission to seek out new life and new civilizations.

Friends, the end is near and the signs are everywhere. We have a man in the white house who's full name is Barack Hussein Luthor Obama and nothing could be more undermining to the principles this nation and its Founding Fathers who understood that Superman was sent here from Krypton to save us from our sinisters than to have someone who clearly believes the Legion of Doom, the Sinestro Corps, the Dominion, and the Borg Collective don't pose a threat to our way of life- daily.

So the Elders have decided we need to recast some of our past sermons. It's important that we keep Charles Darwin out of our public schools because his theories on evolution do not adequately explain certain theories that we all know to be true. He may have understood how turtles became birds or whatever, but he fails to account for how life evolved on Vulcan or how Klingons ended up becoming the dominant life on Q'onos. On the other hand, the Five Pillars of Star Trek (The Original Series, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise) have all the answers our children need to learn.

It's important to understand why the color yellow should be banned from the public sphere and how ice machines in motels influence our children to grow up and become arch criminals like Mr. Freeze, Captain Cold, and Killer Frost.

And so we bring these lessons back not only because Truth is eternal, but because we, the leaders of this church, understand the Truth and graciously interpret it for you. Thinking is a burden which we seek alleviate.

So close your minds to the blasphemy that follows from asking too many questions and hear the teachings handed down by Starfleet Command and the Justice League of America. The question is will you hear the call and board the Enterprise E when you die or will you allow yourself to become another victim of the oncoming Borg Cubes?

1 comment:

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