I've been trying for weeks to figure out why people are so obsessed with this actor named Lindsay Lohan.
So she got caught with some blow. I mean isn't a celebrity getting caught with cocaine like Santa Claus getting caught with a red bag full of presents?
But the Martian Manhunter visited me in a dream last night and he told me the real story. "LOHAN" actually stands for Legion Of Hatred And Negativity. That's right; she's an agent of Gorilla Grodd.
According to Jonn, her original name was Lindsay Lod. (Legion Of Doom). But Lex Luthor and the Cheetah conspired together and changed it to Lohan because the LOD acronym would be too obvious even for our asleep-at-the-wheel, knee-jerk, Marvel-biased media.
This is the biggest discovery since the Christians outed the rock band Kiss as Knights In Satan's Service and the time I played Digital Underground's "Humpty Dance" song backwards- only to discover that it contained some hidden plans of the Riddler to rob the World Bank.
I hope everyone's paying attention. Make no mistake, this L.O.H.A.N. character has more up her sleeve than just a few bags of coke.
Lindsay Lohan, Gorilla Grodd, Cocaine, Celebrities, Legion of Doom