Saturday, July 5, 2008

Innocent of All Crimes


After a lengthy trial filled with rumors, falsehoods, and outright lies, I have been found innocent of all wrong doings. The judge had this to say after the verdict was read:

"We are pleased with the jury's decision because we came here with the full knowledge that the Reverend High Priest Elvis Drinkmo carries with him the love of Captain Jean Luc Picard and the blessings of the Batman. This court apologizes to the faithful members of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the Untied Federation of Planets for the inconvenience presented by this trial. Our system of justice promises a fair and swift trial for the accused and in this case Reverend Drinkmo was denied this justice after enduring more than two long weeks of awaiting an innocent verdict."

The court's apology has not been accepted by me or this church because we are well aware of the Legion of Doom's influence over our legal system and we also know that every branch of this government is sympathetic to the ideals of the Borg Collective. We have papers and files that clearly demonstrate the duplicity of our appointed judges and elected officials and we're waiting for the right time to present them to a national audience.

In case you were wondering, our lawyers got me acquitted by using an unprecedented "shape-shifter defense". Church lawyers argued before the jury that since the police did not conduct proper blood screenings at the crime scene, the court could not be certain whether the person actually found at the crime scene was me or some changeling from the Gamma Quadrant sent here to conquer the Alpha Quadrant a little early by assuming my form. The fact that Gamma Quadrant narcotics were found in the room only helped to strengthen our case. The drug in question was ketracel white, the same drug the Founders use to ensure loyalty amongst their Jem'Hadar soldiers.

Folks, I can assure you that it was not me at that hotel room with the X-Men's Emma Frost and Elektra. It must have been a shape-shifter, possibly the one who does commercials and calls himself William Shatner- while simultaneously claiming that he played Captain James T. Kirk in the scriptures.

Unfortunately the missing church treasury funds will not be recovered. No one is sure what happened to them. But before any more rumors start floating around, I want to make it clear that the yacht I recently bought was paid for by my own salary and will be used for the strict purpose of investigating recent developments concerning the Black Manta.

The Elders and I thank you for your patience and your absolute devotion to the Truth which can only be found the scriptures of DC Comics and the Five Holy Star Trek Series's. May Batgirl bless you always.


The Film Geek said...

Glad you and your reputation are back, and intact. But you don't have to convince me: These shapeshifters have caused such problems on Earth for years, from the Jim and Tammy Faye scandal up to Monica's blue dress ordeal. I wish the Justice League could intervene and end the shifters' terror. I feel so powerless...

Malach the Merciless said...

Hey congrats