Saturday, February 16, 2008

An Open Letter to the High Priest

The Elders intercepted the following on subspace:

To the Reverend High Priest Elvis D. and the Intergalactic Board of Elders,

Some of us have noticed lately how much attention you've been giving to Captain Benjamin Sisko. We've counted the number of times his name has been mentioned versus the times you've mentioned Captain Kathryn Janeway.

In one of your recent sermons, you praised Sisko for being pro-protouniverse and completely ignored Captain Janeway's own commitment to other alien forms of life. It's as though the High Priest and the Elders believe that the inexperienced former commander of Deep Space Nine is some kind of savior who will ride a horse across the Alpha Quadrant and single handedly conquer all our enemies.

It is apparent to some us within the Church that the Reverend High Priest and the all male Intergalactic Board of Elders are misogynists who refuse to acknowledge the great stands made by Captain Janeway while ignoring all the obvious faults of Captain Sisko.

We are tired. We are tired of this obvious bias this church consistently shows toward Benjamin Sisko and his followers over Captain Janeway and those of us who live by Her wisdom alone. Sisko is a divider, not a uniter. He would sell out the entire Alpha Quadrant just to appease our enemies. His record proves it. Have the leaders of this church forgotten how he managed to pull the Romulans into the Dominion War?


Captain Janeway's Dissidents in Servitude

Our reply:

Dear Dissidents in Servitude,

First of all, the Intergalatic Board of Elders is not entirely male. There are two women, four men, three are genderless, and two are from a species which has a third gender that is neither male or female.

Second, we wake up every morning and give praise to Captain Kathryn Janeway. We firmly believe that all Starfleet Captains are sacred, the teachings of the five major Captains are at the heart of this very church's being.

It is true that we
neglected to mention Captain's Janeway's heroic efforts to rescue a fetal Borg drone in the womb of Voyager's science lab. So we bow down and ask for Her forgiveness.

You might want to consider doing the same by bowing down to Captain Sisko and asking Him to forgive you of your trespasses. He could turn the wormhole aliens against you and if they can stop an entire Dominion fleet from entering Bajoran space, they can stop a group of unarmed, disgruntled Star Trekiologists from breaking away from the only church that is recognized by Starfleet Command.

Third, people, we must stop this petty bickering. There is a whole fleet of Borg cubes waiting to cross over into the Alpha Quadrant to assimilate Earth and add our biological and technological distinctiveness to their own.

If we continue to haggle over who is the better Starfleet officer, our enemies will surely prevail before the Vulcans even get a chance to land in Montana. So please, everyone join hands and sing praises to all of our Holy Starfleet Captains before it is too late.


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