Thursday, May 1, 2008

The Eugenics Wars

People are always coming to me after Sunday service and saying,

Reverend D., we know that your heart is filled with Captain Kirk's love and that your lips are filled with the wisdom offered to us by Starfleet Command. We know that every word you say is true and that the Elders always know what's best for us.

We also accept the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets' firm stand on how every single word from every single Star Trek episode is meant to be taken as the literal Truth. But Reverend High Priest, we don't understand how the Eugenics Wars could have happened in 1990s as the scriptures have taught us. Please spare us the burden of having to think for ourselves and explain how this inaccuracy could be.

And so I say unto them and anyone who will listen to the Truth,

My children,

We have to accept the fact that there are some things in this world that are just too complicated to understand. Just because we didn't see the Eugenic Wars or hear of the name Khan in our history books doesn't mean that they weren't as real as the rainbow.

You see, time might have worked differently for the Prophet Gene Roddenberry. For him, seconds could have meant years; minutes could have meant centuries. To us, the 1990s started in the year 1991 and ended in the year 2000. But for Roddenberry, the 1990s could have meant something entirely different and only our five Holy Starfleet Captains know what the Prophet meant when he used the phrase, 'the 90's'. The 90s could have been a frame of mind or angles that certain planets take in relation to others. Only Starfleet knows and our job is to believe and to pray; not to question the meaning of such insignificant things as dates and time lines.

Non-believers will tell you that just because we didn't see the Eugenics Wars on CBS News or read about Khan in the New York Times, they didn't exist or that they won't exist or that they aren't happening right now. These are the same people who grew in a public school system that teaches worthless skills like math and critical thinking. Their teachers taught them that the scientific method is the only to measure ideas and totally dismiss the fact that faith alone is just as effective at proving things are real.

It is a well known fact that there are flaws in Darwin's theory of evolution and that scientists can't pinpoint the exact moment the earth was actually formed. This proves that there are Vulcans out there exploring the galaxy who will eventually come to earth and save us all from ourselves. It proves that the Borg Collective is expanding in the Delta Quadrant and are preparing for an all assault on Earth after which they will undoubtedly being carrying off all the nihilists and heretics who refuse to embrace the teachings of Captain Jean Luc Picard.

Besides, it doesn't really matter what the Prophet Roddenberry meant when he wrote "the 1990's" in our holy scriptures. What matters is that we remember that Mr. Spock gave His life defending the Enterprise so that He could be resurrected on the Genesis planet to walk across the stars and form lasting truce with the Klingon Empire.

So there you have it. The Eugenics Wars and interpretations of what really constitutes the 1990's are a matter a belief which fall outside the realm of science and rationality. If you can't embrace this simple piece of wisdom, enjoy having your eyeballs pulled out and arms ripped off when the Borg finally catch up with you and your non-believer ways.



Malach the Merciless said...

Reverend: Can you explain to me who Captain Kirk had more hair now, that he did in the 60's? Does he have the same disease as Elton John?

bacchus said...

dude has wierd b**** tits

Elvis Drinkmo said...


It is important to remember that there is our real, beloved Captain James T. Kirk and a shape-shifter who calls himself William Shatner and does commercials and poses as Captain James T. Kirk.

Aside from that, I would advice you not to ask too many more questions. The Elders warn us that thinking too hard is a path which leads straight to the Borg Collective.