Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Biggest Threat Facing Our Country: Names of Sports Teams

Last year, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays became just the Rays and we're sure that people who read the comic book known as the Holy Bible are thrilled. And they should be. How offensive is it to have a major league sports team celebrating one of your most notorious arch-villains.

Yet, as usual, no one cares about our sensibilities. I'm sure no one cared that a "Devil Ray" also represents the Black Manta, a supervillian whose primary goal is the eminent destruction of Aquaman. New York and San Francisco house "the Giants"- like people everywhere shouldn't live in prepetual fear of Giganta and her sinful wrath. I mean millions of DC Comicticians around the nation are forced every fall to stand by and watch as the Pittsburgh Penguins roll out onto the ice for a game of professional hockey.

This has to stop. The Penguin is no laughing matter and every time Pittsburgh excels toward the Stanley Cup, we are teaching our children that it is OK to turn our backs on the Batman and His teachings to embrace one of his deadliest foes. Should any decent society tolerate the shameless promotion of a dangerous criminal like Oswald Cobblepot?

And while we're on the subject, this church commands you to root for the Tampa Bay Rays should they win because supporting an NL team like the Philedelphia Phillies amounts to apostacy and uncouth moral depravity. Two reasons:

1) No pitcher should be forced to bat. A wise man once said, a nation can be judged by how it treats it's professional league pitchers. What does this say when an entire league makes a guy bat when he needs that arm to throw 90 mile an hour fastballs?

2) When we speak of the Justice League, we speak of the Justice League of America- not the Justice League of the National. I think it's clear which baseball league our Heroes want us to support: the American League.

(We hereby repeal this commandment in advance and retract these statements should the New York Yankees win the pennant in the near future.)

In the meantime, we need to get those petitions and protest signs ready so that we may force the Pittsburgh Penguins to become something a little less offensive like the Pittsburgh Martian Manhunters and convince San Francisco to go from the Giants to the San Francisco Starfleet Captains.



Donutbuzz said...

The Phillies are truly an abomination. Represented by a true fanatic, not even his zealousness can supply the strength to defeat the mighty Rays.

Rays in 5.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

You got it, Hoyt. The Rays got this one in the bag.

Malach the Merciless said...

Sox fan here, but even I hope the Rays win.

JDB said...

Oh my, another crisis of faith - the Phillies are the only reason I ever pay attention to baseball!

And what about the MLS team names - Galaxy, Wizards, Earthquakes, etc. At least my DC guys don't really have one.

Jackie said...

"Justice League of the National"....LMAO!!!

Elvis Drinkmo said...

That's good news, Malach. The only thing I can figure about last night is that the Legion of Doom pulled some kind of wicked shenanigans to cause Boston to make a come back. I went to bed when the score was 5-0 Rays. Woke up this morning and the Sox won. I figure it was the Joker or perhaps a mind beam sent out by Gorilla Grodd.


It's not to late to repent and shun all National League teams as houses of evil and sin. That is, of course, unless they facing the Yankees- then our position on these dire crisis we face every October will flip (and we really require no explanation for this except to say that we talk to the Batman and the Justice League everyday).

This church doesn't partake in soccer, but perhaps we need to change that.

Jackie, I'm glad you see the logic in our efforts to cast out the National League as an abomination of everything that is pure and holy- unless, of course, they are facing the New York Yankees- at which point we will announce that the Justice League is "the Justice League of the Nationals" in a sacred scroll that only we have access to.