Sunday, April 13, 2008

Religion, Guns, and Illegal Aliens

So Democratic presidential candidate, Barack Obama has stirred some controversy by saying this:

"And it's not surprising then that they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations."

So what's the problem?

Here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, we don't separate guns from religion so we really don't have any frustrations to explain. Hell, we ain't just got guns; we got crossbows, ropes, explosive devices, invisible planes, and utility belts. Because sometimes in order to get your point across about your intentions of peace and non-violence, you have to crack some skulls open.

There's no reason to be bitter. We don't have to hate people because they disagree with us. We just have to separate ourselves from them so that the body of the Justice League doesn't become too polluted. It is important to hate the heresy, but not the heretics. This is central to our church's teachings- in case anyone missed it. Aquaman protects all creatures in the sea whether they're studying upon His sacred teachings or not.

Bitter about immigration? Who the hell wants illegal aliens like Borg drones and Dominion shape-shifters coming into our quadrant and stealing our jobs? It's a non-issue. Without trade agreements, we wouldn't have obtained that cloaking device from the Romulan Star Empire for the Defiant. Don't worry about how the Romulans treat the Remans.

Now look, we can't speak for other comic book fans. But here at the First Church, we have a very efficient system for voting. We tell you how to vote and you do what we tell you; unless being strapped down to a table and and having Arkham's doctors poke and prod at you for all time is something you think you'd enjoy.

It's that simple: one of our most important missions is to spare the average Terran from having to do too much independent thinking. We take care of that for you so that you'll have plenty of time for the important things like football and American Idol.

So you see, there is no controversy here. Crossbows, intolerance, guns, blind faith, and total obedience will never go out of style in this house of worship.


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