Friday, April 4, 2008

The Downfall of Western Civilization: Popular Music

For the past few weeks, I've been driving back and forth to Clarksburg for DC Comictician and Starfleet spiritual training. The Elders thought it would be a good idea for us to learn how to wield phasers and rotate their modulations in case of an early Borg invasion. We've been learning how to use golden truth telling ropes, learning to throw baterangs, and practicing hand to hand combat with Klingon bat'leths. So far only three people have died so it's safe to say this camp has been a real success.

Anyway, while I'm driving to and from this training for the self-righteous, I'm usually listening to kick-ass CDs created by the the blessed souls of West Virginia who understand the need to implement General Order 24 from time to time. But yesterday, I decided to tune into the radio and find out what kind of evil messages were being sent from the Legion of Doom to the citizens of north central West Virginia. I wasn't disappointed.

First, we have this singer who calls herself Fergie. She blasphemes against the Justice League of America as a matter of course. Check out the lyrics to her song "Glamorous":

We flyin' first class
Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' my life
In the fast lane
And I wont change

1) She claims to have the same superpowers as Supergirl and the Flash.

2) The words: "if you ain't got no money take your broke ass home" get repeated over and over. This a clear indication that she's trying to convince kids to go out and rob precious museum artifacts and get involved in other such master capers.

Both are a clear violations of the Justice League's Ten Commandments. And we wouldn't be too surprised if Catwoman was in the studio overseeing the production of this song.

And another of Fergie's songs, "Clumsy" practically sounds like a song released by Poison Ivy, herself, to lure people into a big greenhouse full of deadly man-eating vines, mayhem and heinous criminal activity. I mean can you imagine Batgirl claiming to be trippin' and stumblin' just because she's falling in love? I think the message Fergie is sending out here is plain, she's on the Legion of Doom's payroll and she wants you and your children to join her.

Next, we have this performer called Rihanna who sings praises to the Penguin by advocating for shelter under an umbrella. This is a blatant attempt to persuade our children to join one of Batman's foes and train to become one of Oswald Cobblepot's henchmen. We should also note that The Film Geek has discovered that the word "umbrella" may actually be "under my arm Berella". Since this kind of thing is something the Riddler might do in order to baffle the Dynamic Duo, we may be witnessing a joint effort between him and the Penguin to lead our children down a path of sinister darkness through this popular song.

There are many more popular songs we could name. Country radio seems all but taken over by Darkseid and Granny Goodness. Those golden oldies stations regularly send out subliminal messages trying to convince people that Lex Luthor is innocent of all crimes and that they should abandon the Justice League and follow him. If you play One Republic's song "Apologize" backwards on our CD player, you'll hear the words: "Black Manta is your master, join the Legion of Doom."

So what we need to do is take some proactive measures against all this popular music that is corroding our civilization and turning our youngsters into potential clown thugs for the Joker.

First, we need congressional hearings on this attempt by the Legion of Doom to infiltrate the minds of young people and make them do things they wouldn't have done had they not been exposed to this wicked music. Things like doing drugs, joining gangs, and committing suicide. It's the music's fault because it's inspired by the likes of Toyman and the Riddler.

Second, we need stickers on every album that this church believes is fostering an anti-JLA mentality. These stickers should read: Parental Advisory: Songs Contain Legion of Doom Inspired Messages and Joker Related Lyrics.

Next, we all need to call in to all local radio stations several times an hour and demand that they pull any song from their playlist that might conflict with the teachings of Supergirl, Batman, the Martian Manhunter, and any other member of the Justice League or Justice Society.

Folks, we must abandon our defensive stance for an offensive one. If we don't nip this problem in the bud, our entire way of life will be destroyed and the Legion of Doom's flag will be flying and souls will be herded by the thousands into the gates of Arkham Asylum.



Juanuchis said...

Truly, the evil nexus in Clarksburg is indeed Eastepointe/Newpointe, the designers of which -- may they rot in the depths of Gre'thor -- force the masses into endless traffic tie-ups and fender-benders.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

No doubt, Juanuchis.

Is there any way they can pack the city of Clarksburg in a little tighter?