Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Know Your Aliens 2

At the request of my friends, Malach and Juanuhcis (who probably spent her day being flooded in- you're not alone, Juanuhcis, it's coming down our way now.), we are running our second in the "Get to Know Your Neighborhood Aliens" series.

The first alien needs no introduction. This is a Klingon. Klingons are renown fighters and they place honor in battle above everything else. Klingons were Federation enemies in the Star Trek Original Series Testaments, but by the Next Generation these aliens were our allies. The Deep Space Nine scriptures teach us about how Captain Sisko would have never reclaimed the station from the Dominion without the aid of the Klingon Empire.

Our second alien is a Vulcan. Vulcans are founding members of the United Federation of Planets. In case you didn't know, these are the logical aliens who will come down from the sky in 2051 and solve all our problems. The Star Trek scriptures teach us this. So crank up those air conditioners and fire up those humvees because the Vulcans are coming and they will set everything right for those who believe.

Next we have the Tellarites. The Tellarites love to argue and insult people. They also enjoy a good mud bath. They are founding members of the Federation and can also be trusted to do the right thing when push comes to shove.

Lastly, we have the Tholians. They live in tropical climates and are most comfortable in rooms set at temperatures around 480 kelvins (200 degree Celsius). Tholians are extremely xenophobic and don't care much for other aliens snooping around in their space. You should avoid Tholians whenever possible and if you are taking your warp capable vessel for a spin around the Alpha Quadrant, don't tangle with one of their ships or you might get caught in one of their webs made out of pure energy that you aren't likely to escape. On the other hand, the Tholians weave an expensive, fine silk that is just all the rage on many Federation homeworlds.

This concludes are second installment in a series designed to teach all you disenfranchised Terrans about the things you should be learning in school. There will likely be a third part since the Borg have infected me with some kind of nanoprobe that lasts at least three weeks and causes sinus problems, a sore throat, a runny nose, headaches and the general inability to sit up in front of this computer too damn long. I swear to Captain James T. Kirk that they'll do anything to try and prevent me from getting the Truth out to the masses.


Anne Johnson said...

Okay, I'm stuck living in New Jersey right now, and every one of these creatures lives in my neighborhood. What should I do? I already don't allow my kids to go outside, but what about the cats?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Your cats should be fine, Anne. Just don't let your dog out around the Tellarites. They consider dog a delicacy.

Malach the Merciless said...

Yeah Klingons, don't kill me