Sunday, April 5, 2009

Why Doesn't the Justice League Solve All Our Problems for Us?

Greetings friends,

We had another glorious day at service this morning. We loudly sang hymns to the Batgirl (without an organ, of course- because the DC scriptures command us to sing to the JLA without the interference of musical instruments). We then held hands as we thanked the Martian Manhunter for His divine plan.

Filing out of the chapel, our hearts filled with love, we were eying each other for signs that someone might be secretly reading Marvel Comic book heresy. Just then a little girl came up and asked me:

"Reverend of the Righteous Truth and the Almighty, Unquestionable Wisdom,

You have taught us the Justice League is real and that every word from every DC Comic book is the literal truth. So why didn't the Green Lantern stop North Korea from launching their rocket? Does He not recognize that this Asian superpower threatens our very existence as a nation and that we need to wipe them all out before they get as strong as the former Soviet Union? Isn't unlimited and devastating war part of the Martian Manhunter's plan for eternal peace?"

This young child forgot to mention world stability and feeding hungry children through economic sanctions, but she was forgiven so I placed my hand on her shoulder and explained,

"First of all, young lady, you shouldn't be questioning the Green Lantern's motives. He answers to the Guardians of Oa and it is only through continual prayer and extreme masochism that we can influence Their decisions. I understand that you're young, but just like sweatshops in third world countries where they have friendlier dictators- there are no age limits on who will be eternally put to work inside the gates of Arkham Asylum.

"Secondly, we can't expect the JLA to do anything for us unless we do something for ourselves first. A good start would be to show how serious we are about our civil liberties and declare martial law; silencing everyone who dares to deny the wisdom that can be found within each and every DC comic book. Our commitment to freedom must be serious if we are to expect the Green Lantern to come to our rescue.

"And lastly, Americans need to remember that if Kim Jong-Il is scary, wait til they get a load of Sinestro and his corps of intergalactic evil minions. We must prepare ourselves for these wicked hoards by making sure the color yellow is banned from all corners of the planet. If we start getting serious about the threat Sinestro poses to Sector 2814 then perhaps the Green Lantern will become more active in our ongoing struggle with the powerful North Korea."

This young girl thanked me and I responded by immediately putting her name on the list of people suspected of secretly harboring kindred feelings toward the Fantastic Four and their blasphemous teachings.

The moral of the story, friends, is that we must come to understand what the Justice League wants from us if we are to hope they'll respond to what we want from them. Otherwise, they are going to stop fighting crime and leave us all to the Kim Jong-Il, the Legion of Doom, and the Sinestro Corps. And at that point their thirst for unlimited power and destruction will be quenched.


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