Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Definitions Pt. 1

Ever since the long lost third son of Abraham, Captain Hezesiah, came down from the mountains to deliver the word of DC Comics and the Five Pillars of Star Trek, millions have come to understand that Batman is Gotham's savior and that only through Starfleet can we find redemption.

Everyday millions more flock to our teachings to learn of how Superman and the Flash can set them free. So we have decided to create this glossary to help people navigate through the only true faith in the Alpha Quadrant.

The Ten Commandments of DC Comics- ten simple ways you can avoid eternal agony and torture within the walls of Arkham Asylum.

The Ten Commandments of Starfleet- ten simple ways you can avoid Borg assimilation before being shipped off to Arkham Asylum for eternal agony and torture.

The Prophet Gene Roddenberry- one of the later prophets after Captain Hezesiah who launched a television series that would contain the literal truth within each and every episode.

Marvel Comics- entertaining comic books filled blasphemy, false heroes, and heresy. For example, Marvel claims that some guy drank a bad glass of green root beer then explodes into a super human when he's angry, but the DC scriptures teach us that the only way one can obtain such super powers in to be born on Krypton or by calling out the word, "Shazam".

The Legion of Doom- the greatest threat to mankind and moral decency. It includes amongst its membership Lex Luthor, Gorilla Grodd, the Cheetah, Toyman, Captain Cold, Bizzaro Superman, Giganta, Star Sapphire, Black Manta, the Riddler, Sinestro, the Scarecrow, the liberal activist judges, Democratic politicians, and the teachers' union.

The Borg Collective- cybernetic humanoids that seek to perfect all races by assimilating people, stealing American jobs, and undermining Federation values by convincing our children to disobey their parents.

The Hall of Justice- a glorious paradise where souls gather round Batman and the JLA and sing praises to their names. In the end it will contain 144,000 DC Comicticians and one Marvelite. Everyone else is pretty well bound for Arkham.

Legion of Doom Sympathizers- members of our local school boards, congressional leaders, state and local officials, the media, Hollywood stars, and everybody else who rather see our children kneeling before the Black Manta instead of patiently studying up on the sacrifices Aquaman has made for us all.

Borg Operatives- agents recruited by the Borg to create a safe haven for the Collective in Sector 001 by passing Borg friendly legislation, influencing people with Borg ideals, and spreading Borg propaganda throughout the United States of America. Senator Joe McCarthy was just about to expose these agents back in the 195os before he got sidetracked nailing commies at which point he was brought down before he could let Americans everywhere know that the Borg had infiltrated the military, our schools, labor unions, and governmental institutions.

We've decided to resurrect some of Senator McCarthy's vigilance and here are a few of the more recent people from the global scene we've exposed for collaborating with the Borg and attempting to advance the Collective's agenda:

The Five Pillars of Star Trek
- Star Trek: The Orginal Series, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise. Each episode of each series contains the literal truth which cannot be questioned.

Orthodox Trekiologists- a small sect of Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets who don't believe that Captain Picard was in command of the Starship Enterprise. They believe that no Starfleet Captains came after Captain Kirk and Captain Pike and are still waiting for the next Captain to board the starship and deliver us from the Borg.

David Marcus- Captain James T. Kirk's only begotten son who was sacrificed to the Klingons and died for our sinisters.

Possum- food you commoners have been ordered by this High Priest to eat at least once every Friday in accordance with Fatwa #11.

We hope that you will become acquainted with these terms and concepts. If you don't, well, you better get used to saying the words "your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own......" in unison with the rest of your commie friends aboard the nearest Borg cube.

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