Friday, April 3, 2009

Yes, Superman Still Presides Over the State of West Virginia

Good evening friends,

Turn with me please to the Superman Chronicles I, 64:1

"Friend of the helpless and oppressed is SUPERMAN, a man possessing the strength of a dozen Sampsons! Lifting and rending gigantic weights, vaulting over skyscrapers, racing a bullet, possessing a skin impenetrable to even steel, are his physical assets used in his one-man battle against evil and injustice!"

Now, most people read this passage from the DC scriptures and they understand what it means: cut taxes on the wealthiest Americans, stop all social spending, create more jobs by creating more pollution, and make sure that whatever you do- you vote to protect the protouniverse in the intergalactic womb at all costs.

But when you take another look at this passage, it looks as though the Prophet Jerry Siegal saw into the state of West Virginia's future and predicted the second coming of Superman, himself, in our Dear Leader, Governor Joe Manchin.

Now I know in the past the leaders of this church have accused the governor of collaborating with the Legion of Doom and working to conceal the Black Manta's new base which everyone knows is built along the Kanawha River so that Lex Luthor and Gorilla Grodd can blast their mind beams straight through the gold plated capitol dome and into every single legislative session; hence putting a stop to common sense legislation like banning the sale of Barbie Dolls and drug testing all those shape-shifters posing as laid off Terrans- just so they can draw unemployment off the West Virginian taxpayer.

It's time to put all that behind us and recognize that Governor Manchin isn't just some shiny, bullshitting politician who has made of a life off the system by working hard to be from highly connected political family. No. We now understand that Manchin was sent here to stop crime and balance the state budget on the backs of the people, especially on the backs of the state workers. All he needs is the strength (and the legislative authority) to drum up a new superpower called "the Furlough" then the governor will set things straight.

That's right. Our Dear Leader has shown that he can almost rival Ollie Queen and Bruce Wayne, themselves, by giving himself a $55,000 annual pay raise just before he decides to place a hiring freeze on the state. It's not like West Virginians rely on petty things such as roads, healthy food, environmental protection, economic assistance, quality healthcare, or drivers licenses. And who needs education?

Cleverly, he told the media that he might share any surplus with state employees and teachers so they can foolishly squander it at their nearest Goodwill, but he secretly knows that that money could be better spent on an airplane to carry our $150,000 Governor around the globe to combat sinister deeds and make sure all pseudo-ephedrine is safely locked up behind the pharmacy counter. And it's only a matter of time before his own staff will take their 11% pay raise and put it to use making sure people obtain a doctor's prescription before they can purchase kryptonite. This church understands what he means when he vaguely explains that they're taking on new responsibilities. If he told the press of his real plans, the Legion of Doom would most likely spring from their base off the Kanawha and launch an all assault on our state's decency and morality.

Governor Joe Manchin understands how high the stakes really are and this state will not have a budget until he can clean up West Virginia and deliver our people from the Legion of Doom once and for all! Not even kryptonite can stop the Supergovernor from getting everything he wants with zero accountability.


(The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets would like to give an extra special thanks to Hoyt from The Donut Buzz for letting us borrow the picture and for consistently staying on top of what a wonderful governor we have here in the Mountain State. You will one day sit at Batman's right hand side, Hoyt.)


In a rare opportunity to show how humble we are here at The First Church, we must admit that we stand corrected. The Super Gov has explained to the Charleston Gazette: "This is not a hiring freeze. It's responsible government".

We commend the governor once again for demonstrating keen wisdom in his wording. A "hiring freeze" is something a supervillain like Captain Cold or Killer Frost would do. "Responsible government", on the other hand, is carried out by a superpolitician who understands the need to grab a huge pay raise and a new airplane before putting a halt to hiring more ingrates to work for the state.


Malach the Merciless said...

I just saw Superman Returns . . . I am confused.

Hoyt said...

I'm appreciative of your nice thoughts, Reverend, but don't worry because I will still continue to tithe greatly and responsibly to the DC Church, and, of course, Supermanch as "tax contributions" to his state. I think he might even be holding some of them in the picture!

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Indeed, Hoyt.

Joe Manchin is on top of things. He understands the need to fight Borg Collectivism. I read somewhere that the Super Manch stated this country wasn't built on handouts- which means alot coming from a guy who has worked his ass off to be born with the last name "Manchin". Why can't everyone else just do the same thing?

And a $50,000 pay raise (courtesy of the West Virginian taxpayer) isn't a handout, it's responsible government.

Joe for King 2012!