Friday, March 27, 2009

Confession Weekend

All this weekend, the Elders and I are giving you all a chance to confess your sinisters.

There's a pretty good chance that most of you are going to Arkham Asylum anyway. However, confession has always been a means of increasing you chances of getting into the Hall of Justice so we are giving you this opportunity to confess to the Justice League and Starfleet Command. We will determine if how bad your sinisters are and if you have any chance for redemption.

So if you've disobeyed any of our commands or ignored our Fatwas we have issued, now's your chance to get it off your chest. If you thought about robbing a bank with the Riddler, if you looked at Marvel Comics when you should have been studying the Batman's wisdom, if you allowed your children to carry Spiderman lunchboxes to school or let them watch Anime or Stargate Atlantis when they should have been in front of the TV studying one of the Five Pillars of Star Trek, if you smoked the Legion of Doom's weed called marijuana or voted for a candidate who doesn't support the right of the protouniverse to survive in the intergalactic womb, now is your chance to confess.

Remember folks, the day is coming. The day when the Vulcans land in Montana and save us all from ourselves. Wouldn't you prefer greeting these logical aliens with a clean slate rather than being sent in an unarmed shuttlecraft to go join the Borg Collective?

The choice is yours, please confess by leaving a comment and let us know whether there is anything we can do for your soul.

12 comments:

Donutbuzz said...

I sent my son to school this week wearing a Spiderman t-shirt. Please forgive me, Reverend.

Juanuchis said...

I have not held the Awesomeness of Kirk in my thoughts. Please forgive me, for I have sinned.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

DB, I just spoke with the Martian Manhunter and He tells me you are forgiven. Just so long as your boy understands that it wrong to believe a man who was bitten by a spider can climb walls. The Truth teaches us that walls can only be scaled with a Batrope and a Batgrappler.

Juanuchis,

Say three Hail Starfleet Commands and remember to watch at least one episode from the First Pillar of Star Trek such as The Corbomite Maneuver or Day of the Dove so that Captain Kirk may continue to bless you.

Juanuchis said...

AH! Both Lessons are most germane to my transgressions!

I must also ask, Reverend, what do the Elders have to say about the impending Abrams movie? Dare I imply that it ... LOOKS GOOD?! Are the Elders reserving judgement?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

The Elders are definitely refraining from making any comment about the new movie until they've had a chance to compare it with the scriptures which we know contains the literal Truth. We will either praise this movie and order our followers to see it or we will be forced to issue an arrest and detention Fatwa on Abrams for committing crimes of heresy against the Five Pillars and Captain James T. Kirk, Himself.

Speaking of fatwas, the Elders are currently preparing religious legislation against the viewing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Between the knee-jerk, Marvel-biased media and Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama reading from the Legion of Doom's pre-scripted teleprompters, this country is continuing to spiral downward into a moral abyss.

Malach the Merciless said...

Forgive me Reverend I have sinned, I have had carnal relations with Rogue from the X-Men

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Malach,

Please turn with me to the Batman Chronicles 50:67

"For Robin lifted a paper and read unto the Batman, "Look- This article telling about a jewelry concern opening on the top floor of the capitol state building- it's underlined. And then the Batman spoke unto Robin and the masses, "That means they've gone to loot the place! C'mon- there's not a moment to lose!""

So you see, Malach, I think it's clear that Batman is trying to tell us. We are all born with the Original Sinister and it is only through the JLA and Starfleet that we may find eternal redemption.

However, the Justice League only provides for those who provide for themselves. So must stop your wicked Marvelite ways and understand that there is only one league and it's not the X-Men. It's the Justice League. If you do not recant immediately, then Arkham Asylum is the only place that can help you.

Jackie said...

I've got a bad one Rev. I watched all of Punisher:War Zone....and my soul is still hurting. Help me Reverend Elvis, you're my only hope!

BTW- How does Hellboy fit into all of this?

primalscreamx said...

I've fallen, too. This weekend, I did finish watching the entire Firefly series. I also watched the Star Trek Family Guy episode, where they did knowingly mock Captain Kirk. I did laugh.
I might have also read part of Hellboy comic and I'm almost certain I said something disparaging about the mid-90s Justice League. I got a hardback collection from the library. Grant Morrison wrote it, but this was back when Superman had the weird ghostly electric man suit? Batman was still cool, but evidently Grant Morrison was getting his dialogue from the Dinah Shore show. It was just painful... and made me want to smoke human hair.

Hapi said...

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Elvis Drinkmo said...

Jackie,

You too will see the Martian Manhunter and become part of His plan of salvation. For the Elders have spoken with Starfleet and they have decided that you will admitted to the Hall of Justice for confessing even though you are a Marvelite heretic.

Bill,

Those are grave sinisters indeed. We prescribe round the clock readings of Green Lantern: The Greatest Stories Ever Told for one week. We also recommend that you relearn the ways of Captain Kirk and understand His powers of persuasion by viewing Original Series episodes "Elaan of Troyius" and "The City on the Edge of Forever" at once in this year of our Starfleet Captains.

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