Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Ask The DC Comictician

Friends, it's time again to open the floor to letters from believers (who will sit at the Martian Manhunter's right side in the Hall of Justice) and the infidels (who are haplessly bound for Arkham Asylum) alike. Remember, we have the answers. All you have to do is close your minds and obey our simple commands to the letter (especially at election time).

Dear High Priest of Infinite Knowledge and Wisdom,

I recently lost my job and only have $150 to last me and my family the rest of the month. Do you have any advice to offer me as we struggle through these tough times?

- Crusader for Batman's Love

Dear Crusader,

The first thing you need to do is understand how an economy works. A good economy happens to nations when the people spend hours praying to Aquaman for deliverance and forcing other people to do the same thing- at gunpoint if necessary. A bad economy happens when people turn their back on the Justice League and gamble with decks of cards containing the deadly face of the Joker. It's that simple. We elected a Legion of Doom sympathizer to the white house and just look at the results.

Second, you need to get out your checkbook and write us a check for $149. You probably feel you need your savings for food, but keep in mind it's more important to feed your soul with knowledge than to feed your bellies with nourishment. A $149 donation will still leave you with $1, which should at least be enough to buy a small order of fries that you and your family can divide up and ration throughout the month.

Friends, the answer is plain. The sooner we round all of our children up like cattle and herd them around the flagpole for daily prayer service to Batgirl, the sooner our economy will recover.

Dear Preacher for the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets,

Over the years I have seen actor William Shatner doing Priceline.com commercials and was wondering just how you explain Captain Kirk's endorsement of this product. Does this coincide with your faith? Or are you and your "Elders" ignorant of this ongoing development?

- Color Me Skeptical

Dear Color Me,

It's very important that we understand that there is a difference between Captain James T. Kirk and actor William Shatner. Captain Kirk was the second Starfleet Captain who tried to bring us the message (Captain Pike was the first). William Shatner is most likely a changeling from the Gamma Quadrant assuming Captain Kirk's form- sent here to steer us away from the literal truth as handed down to us by the Prophets Gene Roddenberry and Rick Berman in each and every episode of all five spinoffs of the Star Trek television series. Altering the will of the Prophets means a one way trip around the galaxy hardwired to a Borg cube.

The same is true of actors Avery Brooks, Patrick Stewart, Kate Mulgrew, Nichele Nichols, Terry Farrell, Leonard Nemoy, Michael Dorn, Colm Meanie, Conner Trinneer, and Scott Bakula. We keep extensive files on these people and have inconclusive proof of their connection with the Founders. I mean think about it. Would Captain Kathryn Janeway have married some secular humanist, anything goes liberal nonbeliver who ran for governor of the State the Ohio? No. The Voyager scriptures tell us that She saved Herself for Starfleet Command and devoted Her life to save the people of the Alpha Quadrant. Major Kira Narys debasing Herself by appearing in the new Battlestar Galactica? I think not.

Furthermore, anyone whom has gotten an autograph from one of these shape-shifters is likely carrying a hidden beacon for the day when the Borg surrounds this planet and begins assimilating anyone who chooses to ignore the Word.

Dear Reverend of the Truest Truth,

My girlfriend left me. She said I've been spending too much time in the basement reading the Word of Batman and studying the ways of Starfleet Command through the Five Pillars of Star Trek on DVD. Is she right?

- Broken in Heart, Strong in Spirit

Dear Broken,

It's a good thing you didn't get married. For marrying someone who doesn't understand that Captain Kirk gave his only begotten son to the Klingons to save us from our sinisters is a fate as bad as being shot at point blank range with a phaser pistol on stun. When the Vulcans land in Montana do you really want to be holding hands with a Borg sympathizer.

Let us turn to the scriptures. Star Trek the Next Generation 3:26-

For Captain Jean Luc Picard so loved the quadrant that he said: "Borg vessel, you have committed acts of aggression against the United Federation of Planets. We have developed new defensive capabilities since our last encounter and we will be forced to use them if you do not withdraw from Federation space."

I think it's plain to see what Captain Picard was trying to tell us. Avoid all nonbelievers whenever possible and don't marry them. If an eye offendeth Starfleet, it is better just to pluck it out than to hand it over to the Borg Collective.

Dear Reverend D.,

Every time I turn on the news I get more and more depressed. Is there anything I can do to alleviate this feeling of dread.

-Captian Pike's Witness

Dear Witness,

We know things are grim these days. With Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama and his Legion of Doom friends pushing their left-wing Borg Collectivist ideals on the nation, it's no wonder people are turning to Marvel Comics, Anime, and Stargate Atlantis for answers. They won't find any.

The only thing we can really do at this point is to keep lobbying congress to launch an all out nuclear war against another country. It doesn't matter which country just so long as there's enough radiation in the air to kill off 3/4 of the planet. Then the Vulcans will arrive and save us from ourselves.

Before that can happen though, we need to get our people elected to office so that we can set up a Federation-worthy society with brute force; a shining nation that is completely intolerant of anyone who disagrees with us. Only then will we be ready to embrace the unquestionable logic of the Vulcans.

We hope we've adequately answered your questions and put some of your minds at ease. Thanks for your questions and your relentless obedience. As always, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.


JDB said...

Your answers make so much more sense than when Billy Graham answers his mail, Rev!

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Thanks, JDB.

We're still trying to reach out to Graham and other such People of the Comic Book. The Elders believe that he will eventually see why it makes more sense to follow Heroes with X-ray vision, utility belts, telepathic communication with fish, and the ability to pilot a Galaxy-class starship.

Malach the Merciless said...

Dear Reverend, how does the most sacred Watchmen fit into your philosophies . . . or is Alan Moore to much of a loose cannon?

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