Monday, March 2, 2009

Drug Testing Doesn't Go Far Enough

For the past twenty years, employers everywhere have been drug testing their employees. We think this is a great idea, especially tests aimed at making sure people aren't smoking dope on their free time. Surely, we know by now that marijuana is a deadly drug which kills millions of people everyday. If people aren't overdosing on weed, they're laying around listening to Bob Marley when they should be studying the Batman Chronicles. Truly, marijuana is the weed with the roots that lead straight to the swamp that's home to the Legion of Doom's headquarters.

But drug testing doesn't go nearly far enough to keep us safe while we're on the job. We also need to start doing blood screenings on the nation's workforce.

How do you know that the guy on the forklift next to you isn't a shape-shifter from the Gamma Quadrant sent here to undermine Federation values?

The answer is, you don't. Not unless you grab him by the hand and slice open his palm to be sure that the blood hitting the floor is really blood and not the gelatinous goo that the Star Trek scriptures tells us make up a changeling. Of course, there are more humane ways to draw blood and we don't start blood screenings now, people will be slicing each other up as soon as they find out how dangerous the Dominion threat is to the Alpha Quadrant.

We need blood screenings, not just once a month, but everyday. Administer them at the time clock before the whistle blows. Remember, that guy in the hard hat you call "Burl" might be a shape shifter posing as Burl the very next morning. You just never know. We need to set up road blocks every Friday and Saturday night and screen the blood of the people on our highways to ensure that there are no Dominion operatives out there on the road. Do surprise blood screenings every hour to make sure that no shape-shifters are driving our buses or flying our airplanes. I don't think any of this would be too extreme.

I mean if truck drivers snortin' coke out on the road scare you, imagine shape-shifters barreling down our highways with big loads of ketracel white to feed the Jem'Hadar, the most feared soldiers in the Dominion. Construction sites full of people on meth? How about construction sites used to launch a sneak invasion from the Gamma Quadrant. And let's not forget our school teachers. It isn't enough to discourage them from smoking dope on the weekends, we need to make sure that they're actually who they say they are. Teachers should set a good example for our children by not doing drugs and they should also be able to prove every morning before class that they're not dangerous changeling operatives sent here to poison our kids with Dominion propaganda.

Once again, this is just plain common sense. Check every worker's piss for drugs then be sure to check their veins for blood. "Drop your pants and stick out your arm" should be the mantra of every business in the country. It should be on the cover of every employee handbook. We can never take too many precautions in this day and age when it comes to keeping our people safe.

3 comments:

Malach the Merciless said...

I am lost . . .

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Of course you are Malach. We all are because we were all born with the Original Sinister.

But it's not too late to embrace the clarity that comes with knowing Starfleet Command.

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Britney
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