Along with drug testing all those people who decided to get themselves laid off and sign up for the food stamp program, another sensible piece of legislation has landed on our state legislature's floor: ban the sale of all Barbie Dolls. It's about time our lawmakers started getting serious about the problems we face everyday in West Virginia. For years now, the folks down in Charleston have been coddling criminals, giving hand outs to Legion of Doom sympathizers, and taking the wrong side in the culture war. But there may be a ray of hope in our state after all.
The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets wholeheartedly endorses this idea. Barbie exhibits no superpowers or swift fighting skills which inadvertently teaches young girls to ignore the Batgirl's righteousness. Girls will never aspire to live up to the Black Canary's example laid out for us in the DC scriptures if they're playing with dolls that obsess over looking good?
As for other problems that face this state like mountaintop removal, unemployment, poverty, literacy rates, and a multitude of health issues- don't worry about any of that. When the Vulcans arrive those problems will be solved. But they may decide not to visit at all if they look down here and see children playing with Barbie and Ken. Then we will be lost.
We haven't been this excited since Tipper Gore tried to pull the plug on rap and heavy metal. Friends, this why we pay these people $20,000 a year for three months of "work". They're working hard to make West Virginia a state worthy of being beamed aboard the Starship Enterprise.