Friday, March 20, 2009

One Nation Under The Green Lantern's Light

In brightest day,
In blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight.

Let those who worship,
Evil's might,
Beware my power,
the Green Lantern's light.

These are the words each and every American should be saying before school, before work, before every government and board meeting begins. Anyone who refuses to swear allegiance and support the troops from the Green Lantern Corps is obviously a Legion of Doom operative and needs to be chained to a crate and shipped somewhere overseas along with the hundreds of thousands of our jobs. This is just common wisdom, people.

But recently we heard that the nihilists and their activist judges want to remove Green Lantern's name from this important pledge we all hold dear. They claim it is offensive to those who foolishly believe that the Justice League doesn't exist and that They aren't up in the Watchtower keeping us safe from Lex Luthor's wicked schemes and Sinestro's evil plans for Sector 2814. These activists also claim that it is offensive to those who believe in the Incredible Hulk or the false prophesies of Anime to give time honored homage to the Green Lantern Corps even though everyone agrees this country was founded by people who feared the wrath of the Batman.

But there is hope. We think it's time to recruit former House Speaker Newt Gingrich to join the fight in keeping the Green Lantern's name in the Green Lantern Oath.

According to the US News and World Report, Gingrich has gone on record saying:

I think it's that the overtness of the assault on religious liberty has risen dramatically. It was the 9th Circuit Court's decision [in 2002] that was the last straw. [The decision found that recitation of the pledge of allegiance in public schools was unconstitutional because its "under God" clause violates the First Amendment's ban on government-established religion.] And I said, "It's time to challenge head-on secular domination in the West.'"

Praise Hawkgirl. We welcome such a challenge. You know, years ago we wanted to shoot people in the head at point blank range with a phaser pistol set on stun for daring to claim that Barbara Gordon wasn't the true Batgirl. The secularists actually had the gall to claim it was a violation of people's 8th amendment rights. That's just how far they'll go to oppress our beliefs and deny us our right to worship freely. Now they want to remove the Green Lantern from the Oath?!

But we're confident that a man of the people like Newt Gingrich will stand up for our right to force everyone to acknowledge the sacrifices the Green Lantern Corps has made for us. If he'll go to bat for some old bearded man from a place called "Heaven" who was passed over when Abin Sur's green power ring was searching for new Green Lanterns, we're sure he'll also speak up for Hal Jordon, John Stewart, Guy Garner, and Kyle Rainer.

The time to take back our country is at hand so we can get back to the basics handed down to us through the teachings of the Green Lantern, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, the Black Canary, and all of our Heroes in the JLA.


Malach the Merciless said...

Wouldn't that be:

"In the BLACKEST night"?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Thank you, Malach.

You've just earned 400 years off your eternal sentence in Arkham Asylum.

libhom said...

Sorry, but Newt will probably be too busy serving divorce papers on another wife with cancer to help you.