Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Our Response to the New Reformation


We have some grave news. The unthinkable has happened over at A Sour Apple Tree. It appears that the Marquis have infiltrated Chris James' blog and are using it to sound off a massive rebellion against the central teachings of this church and the inherent right of its leaders to tell everyone how to live. We can only assume that Chris is being held hostage somewhere in the Badlands so we will prey for his immediate recovery.

We can only hope that the millions of people across the planet, who have embraced Captain Benjamin Sisko as the Alpha Quadrant's True Savior, will reject the 9.5 Theses and understand that we are the only ones who can get them into the Hall of Justice; they only need pay us vast sums in donations and vote the way we tell them to.

Upon learning of this dangerous new development, the Elders arranged for a meeting in the Bolian Sector (they would have chosen Khitomer, but the Five Pillars of Star Trek teach us that it will be destroyed by the Romulans) to denounce the heretical new Marquis doctrine that dares to question our authority and bountiful wisdom. From this meeting came the Elders' first papal bull.

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo, episcopus servus servorum Batgirl, Exsurge Te Dominion Se,

Arise, O Batman, and judge your own supervillains. Remember your reproaches to those who are filled with the Riddler's foolishness all through the day. Listen to our prayers, for criminals have arisen seeking to destroy the Watchtower and the divinity you and the Justice League of America have bestowed.

Rise, O Captain Pike, and fulfill your High Priest with the bountiful power of the Warp Drive. Give heed to the cause of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, mother of all churches and teacher of the DC Faith, whom you by the order of Starfleet Command, have consecrated by your blood. Against this Church, you warned, false superheroes and non-commissioned officers are rising, introducing ruinous sects, and drawing upon themselves speedy doom. Their tongues are fire, a restless evil, full of Poison Ivy's deadly kisses. They have bitter zeal, contention in their hearts, and boast and lie against the Truth.

We beseech you too, Mr. Terrific, to call upon the members of the Justice Society to come to our aid in this great time of spiritual crisis.

Their talkativeness, unsupported by the authority of the DC Scriptures or the Five Pillars of Star Trek, as Captain Hezesiah said in his personal log, would not win credence unless they appeared to support their perverse doctrine even with divine testimonies however badly interpreted. From their sight fear of the Batman has now passed.

We have decided to address the following errors being proposed by the heretical writings:

1) All green power rings have not been created equal in the eyes of the Guardians of Oa.

2) Denying the treasure of the church lies with Orion and the grace of Morn with no mention of the dangers of the Orion Syndicate or the Romulan Ale served at Quarks'.

3) Through contrition to a priest of the Holy Starfleet Captains and Hawkman alone, a person can come clean of the Original Sinister and that no sinsiters are racked up against souls once they meet Superdog at the gates of the Hall of Justice if such salvation hath been promised.

4) We do not acknowledge the sacrifices made by Admiral Janeway nor understand that avoiding Borg assimilation requires vigilant understanding of the lessons She has tried to teach us.

4.75) This Holy Body of Wonder Woman's Almighty Grace spends more time granting pardons to people found guilty of collaborating with the Legion of Doom, sympathizing with Borg objectives, and reading Marvel Comics then it does preaching of the Martian Manhunter's love for humanity and Starfleet's plan for salvation.

No one of sound mind is unaware of how destructive, pernicious, scandalous, and seductive to pious and simple minds these various errors are. And those who lack sound mind must ultimately be treated by the doctors employed at Arkham Asylum. Are they so opposed to the charity of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets that are they unaware how destructive they are to the vigor of ecclesiastical discipline, namely obedience at election time.

Therefore, it is resolved that we must take the Joker's bag of deadly toys, laughing gas, and dangerous tricks and dump them for all to plainly see. We must take the axe to the trees planted by shape-shifters before they bear fruit and create more dissension in the ranks of the faithful causing people to come to some mistaken conclusion that the leaders of the church, namely the High Priest, aren't always right and that everyone else isn't always wrong.

Therefore let the Marquis themselves and all those adhering to them, and those who shelter and support them, through the merciful heart of Superman and the sprinkling of the commands from Captain Jean Luc Picard by which and through whom the redemption of the human race and the upbuilding of the First Church was accomplished. Know that from our hearts we exhort and beseech that they cease to disturb the peace, unity, truth, and all future U.S. elections.

We enjoin, however, on the Marquis that in the meantime they cease from all preaching or the office of preachers....



Malach the Merciless said...

Where is Wolverine and Luke Skywalker when we need them?

Chris James said...

Malach sounds a bit like one of those gnostic Marveltarians. I think that Elvis and I can both agree that he needs to be burnt at the steak (as in Ponderosa should overcook all his meat for the next 5 visits).

Elvis Drinkmo said...

We haven't given up on Malach just yet, Chris. He is paving his own road straight to Arkham Asylum, but it's not too late for him to put down the Marvel blasphemy, kneel down, and kiss the green power ring. :)