Sunday, September 26, 2010

Still Fighting the Infinite Crisis


I want you to stop for minute and think. Think back to a long time ago- all the way back to 2007. Life was glorious in those days. There was no unemployment, no crime, no wars. The US economy was booming and everything just felt like it was going to be alright.

Then the Legion of Doom put their heads together and got the Black Manta's friend, Barack Obama, elected to office. Within two months our robust economy collapsed and unemployment soared. A hole formed in the ozone. A socialist healthcare bill that would make the entire Borg Collective blush got passed. Wars started up in Iraq and Afghanistan. Then there was 9-11 (well 9-11 actually happened in 2001, but we think Obama had a hand in that too. The Star Trek scriptures teach us that time travel is possible).

So let's take a look at this Legion of Doom ally and Borg sympathizer:

1) The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets has yet to see Barack Obama's birth certificate.

Now, many of those fans of the comic book called the Holy Bible claim that Obama was born in Kenya. We here at the First Church think it's much worse than that. We believe President Obama is hiding his birth certificate from the public because he was actually part of a cloning experiment on the planet Romulus. Just like the scriptures teach us that the Romulans tried cloning Captain Jean Luc Picard, we feel that Barack Obama could very well be a botched up attempt at cloning Captain Benjamin Sisko from the Deep Space Nine scriptures. They more than likely sent this clone back in time from the 24th century to wreak havoc on humanity. If you think about it, it makes sense. Plus no one can prove we're wrong.

2) Obama's determination to cooperate with other nations has weakened us in the face of our enemies.

Just like former ambassador John Bolton pointed out after his speech at the UN, Barack Obama is making us look like fools. And Bolton would know. All those years he spent illegally helping the fair, peace-loving Contras in Nicaragua battle the evil, war-monering hoards in the Sandinista government gives him special clairvoyance when it comes to international affairs.

3) The president's failure to use stimulus money to build new starbases along the Neutral Zone proves he isn't serious about our economy.

There is only one reason we can think of that would cause the Obama to overlook this badly needed addition to our infrastructure and that's that the president has stacked his administration with Borg sympathizers who want us to be weak when the Collective invades our planet in the year 2365. The facts here are plain for anyone who bothers to think about it.

4) Allowing Bush's tax cuts on our nation's wealthiest to expire proves that Barack Obama wants America to fail.

If there is anything we try to teach you here at this church, it's that the needs of top 1% of the country's income bracket is far more important than those of the other 99%. Half this nation could starve to death, but if even just one of America's most privileged children doesn't get a yacht for Christmas, then folks, we as a nation have failed.

You see, it's very important that we rally our voters at election time so that we can stop this Romulan cloned Borg collaborator before it's too late. The very safety of the multiverse hangs in the balance.

1 comment:

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, do you work for Fox News?