Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Five Pillars of Star Trek

People are always asking themselves: just what are the Five Pillars of Star Trek?

No, they aren't the five movies that were worth a shit: Wrath of Khan, Search for Spock, Undiscovered Country, Generations, and First Contact.

They are: The Original Series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise. Each contains the literal Truth and each demands that you live a life of humility, a life worthy of Starfleet. Everything else that strays from the tenants of the Five Pillars is either produced by shape-shifters or strategically placed by the Borg and their sympathizors to lead people down the path of assimilation. Any questioning of the purity behind the Five Pillars means eternal separation from the United Federation of Planets and this, my friends, is worse than being reincarnated as a Klingon targ destined to be used for target practice in the woods somewhere on Romulus.

Now, you will meet some Orthodox Trekiologists, who believe that the scriptures ended with the conclusion of Captain James T. Kirk's original five year mission aboard the USS Enterprise. They cling to old ways and focus solely on the first Enterprise's mission of warding off hostile aliens from Sector 001. They fail to embrace the message of enhanced peace, mutual acceptance, and interspecies love that was first offered to us through the Next Generation and Captain Jean Luc Picard as well as the Holy Starfleet Captains who followed. It is important that we not reject the teachings of Captain Kirk, but we must also realize that Captain Picard was given to us by Starfleet to expand upon His mission. We must remember that Captain Benjamin Sisko risked His life to keep us safe from the influences of the Dominion and that Captain Kathryn Janeway devised the Only Plan that could keep us from being eaten alive by enzymes spat from the wicked mouthes of Species 8472. And of course, there is Captain Jonathan Archer who helped to forge the alliance that we now know as the Federation. Something so many Terrans take for granted these days.

Unfortunately, friends, these hardcore "TOS" orthodox types won't learn the real Truth until they're forced to fight the Dominion while their brains are hardwired to a dark alcove inside a Borg Cube floating through the space where the Gamma Quadrant meets the Delta Quadrant. There's no point in trying to argue with them or teach them that in the 24th century the Klingons will become our allies.

We must learn to study all five Pillars if we are to follow a path of righteousness. We must recognize the sacrifices of not just Captain Kirk, but of Commander Riker, Lieutenant Dax, and Ensign Kim. We must seek to understand that everything Captain Janeway stands for is pure and holy. Most importantly, we must acknowledge that every word in every episode from the Five Pillars is the literal truth. When the scriptures teach us that the Eugenics Wars happened in the 1990s- then that's exactly what it means. Stop asking questions and experience the joy that comes from accepting Starfleet Command as your only savior.

Redemption is our business here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. We are here to interpret the literal Truth behind the Star Trek scriptures for you so that your busy lives won't be burdened with too much unnecessary thinking.

Remember, there is no need to yearn for the things you deserve in this life because those who Believe in the Five Pillars of Star Trek will be commissioned aboard the Enterprise in the next. If there is any way we can help, please let us know.


Malach the Merciless said...

Where does Dr. Who fit in with all this?

JDB said...

Am I going to Arkham because I actually like Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Rev?

I'll lose sleep over this!

Elvis Drinkmo said...


Since you heed the final word of this church and enjoy the benefits that come from our spiritual healing, it's likely that you will still get your commission in the afterlife and will be spared the terrors of Arkham and/or Borg assimilation.

Of course, it's not our place to judge. We leave that up to Starfleet and the Justice League of America.

H. said...

Gee. I never thought of myself as hardcore orthodox before...
Oh and that is a very spiffy pic of Pike.

Jack Dorf said...

Forgive me Elvis for I have sinned in deed & thought by attacking Picard as a poor facsimile of the mighty Kirk.

If I send a donation can you help me redeem myself?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Indeed, you may Jack. Six figures will work. Remember, all donations to this church are used for the expressed purpose of bringing the Federation to the people and getting our pro-WWIII candidates elected to office.