The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo: ? to September 16, 2009

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo has passed from Sector 001 and was beamed aboard the Enterprise E to be with his Starfleet Captain Jean Luc Picard earlier this morning.

The Reverend D. was born to a thick fog and his father remained unknown. He devoted his life to bringing the word of the Justice League and Starfleet Command to the masses and was ardent supporter of putting Batman and Captain James T. Kirk back in the classroom. Drinkmo was the head of a faith known as the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets.

Elvis D. lead a life of strict piety and devoted his every moment to warning people about the Marvel biased media and spreading the good news of Batgirl (except when he was caught partying down with Emma Frost and Elektra, doing lines of ketracel white and watching Stargate Atlantis- for which the Reverend had repented publicly on several occasions).

Before he left us, he wanted his followers to continue his struggle to stop raising taxes on America's most wealthy people to spend on foolish things like food for children and universal healthcare. As he took his final breaths, he warned people of the evils of Borg Collectivism and the rising influence the Black Manta and the Legion of Doom have been exercising on the nation through their best friend in the white house.

He is survived by two half-brothers: The Mothman of Point Pleasant, WVa, Pumpkinhead of Clay, WVa, cousins Batboy of Pittsburgh, PA and the Crypt Keeper of some unknown planet of the Alpha Quadrant. He was preceded in death by his uncle, The Creature From the Black Lagoon, whose extremist, right-wing political views influenced many of his beliefs.

The Intergalactic Board of Elders will hold a service on Risa at 10:00 AM September 30th at the Lieutenant Commander Worf Sanctuary representing the First Deacons for Hawkgirl.

Update:

The Elders have contacted the Guardians of Oa who spoke with Elvis Drinkmo through an multidimensional communication device and he has granted you all permission to visit this commie's blog:

F**ked Up World

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of United Federation of Planets Speaks

Good Evening Friends,

I know it's been some time since our last sermon. Certain events have kept us away such as the varying interpretations of the latest book of Star Trek.

Millions people have flocked to our church halls and asked me and the Intergalactic Board of Elders the same question, "Reverend of Highest Truthes and Elders of All Eternal Knowledges, what does the complete destruction of Vulcan mean to our faith? Does this mean that the Vulcans aren't going to rescue us after we launch a great nuclear holocaust to wipe out all the infidels and Stargate Atlantis fans?"

Our answer remains the same and we speak with one voice channeled through Lieutenant Uhura in the Almighty Name of Starfleet. The Prophet JJ Abrams isn't teaching about the annihilation of Vulcan, he's teaching us about the annihilation of common decency here in the United States. Take the healthcare debate for example. Instead of being quiet about being sick and just
curling up in the corner to die, people want the Borg Collective to get a solid foothold in the Alpha Quadrant by passing some sort of universal healthcare bill. Few people are aware that the President and his Borg sympathizing allies in congress want to set up what we call "assimilation panels" to decide whether people are too sick to heal and those people deemed unhealthy will be traded off to the Borg in exchange for technology. People who think we're being paranoid about this devastating new threat will think twice when their wheelchairs are traded in for an alcove and a robotic eyepiece.

So friends, the time for vigilance is now. If the Borg is allowed to rule this country through the White House, there won't be any Captain Kirk at all. Just a planet full of automatons, who put un-American ideals like equality and civil liberties above safety, morals, and the right to hoard more money than you'll ever need in five lifetimes.

So saith Our Holy Starfleet Captains.

What Really Fuels the Violence

Rush Limbaugh recently blamed the American left for the violence at the Holocaust Museum.

"Very predictably, ladies and gentlemen, the media, the American left is trying to score some political points as a result of this tragedy at the Holocaust Museum in Washington yesterday, and as predictable, they are trying to blame this on me, other conservatives and right-wingers. It's the traditional approach taken by the American left. The facts of the case, however, are such that if we want start assigning blame for this beyond this nutcase Jew hater, and notice that very few people actually want to do that. They want to claim this guy didn't have the ability to act on his own. He only could act if he was inspired by somebody. Well, who did he hate? He hated both Bushes. He hated neocons. He hated John McCain. He hated Republicans. He hated Jews as well. He believes in an inside job conspiracy of 9/11. This guy is a leftist, if anything. This guy's beliefs, this guy's hate stems from influence that you find on the left, not on the right."

Paul Krugman disagrees and says it's the fault of the American right.

"But with the murder of Dr. George Tiller by an anti-abortion fanatic, closely followed by a shooting by a white supremacist at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, the analysis looks prescient. There is, however, one important thing that the D.H.S. report didn’t say: Today, as in the early years of the Clinton administration but to an even greater extent, right-wing extremism is being systematically fed by the conservative media and political establishment."

But we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician understand what drives these wanton acts of violence. And no, it isn't that some people are mentally disturbed, unbalanced and have distorted views that come mostly from within their own minds. We know that these displays of horrendous violence are caused solely by the publication of Marvel Comics.

Think about it. You've got the Incredible Hulk who turns all green and explodes out his clothes wreaking havoc on everybody. The Punisher goes on rampages blowing up everything in sight. No one ever seems to know if Ghost Rider is possessed by some evil spirit or if he's a real superhero. Spiderman's got that evil alter ego named Venom and how's anyone to know which is which?

It's no wonder that perfectly sane people pick up a copies of these comic books and go out on a shooting a rampage. If they had stuck with Superman and the Green Lantern, they would undoubtedly be productive citizens doing harmless things like running major corporations, getting kickbacks and bonuses based on the number of people they layoff and families they toss out into the streets.

It's simple logic. If more people stuck with DC Comics instead of delving into the abyss as presented by Marvel, our society would be completely free from all insanity and all forms of random violent crimes.

Borg Collectivism Seems Neverending

Everybody knows that unfettered and reckless capitalism is the only economic system ordained by the Justice League. It's the only economic system that works and the proof lies with the booming, robust economy we're experiencing here in the U.S. today.

Yet Americans were content to send a Legion of Doom sympathizer to the White House this past November. The fact that Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama sat in church beside the Black Manta while they all plotted the overthrow of the blond-haired, blue-eyed Aquaman and sought to destroy the underwater city of Atlantis never deterred the voters. So this is what we get: regulation on the credit card industry.

I've been listening to AM radio lately and agree with such brilliant investigators as Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck. Americans are outraged at the thought of a credit card company not being allowed to jack up interest rates on them when they aren't looking. It's been a fun surprise when you open your your mail every month, trying to guess whether your rate is going to be 12% or a more reasonable 28%. It's alot more exciting than those boring old traditional banks who are confined to a mere 2% increase over a limited period of
And Americans love the idea of paying hidden fees for being one day late with their minimum payment. It's like you're Dale Earnhart Jr. at Pocono- racing to get those payments in because you received the bill on Monday and it happens to be due by Friday. Exciting. The majority of Americans also feel "over-the-limit" and "pay-by-phone" fees are like contributions to one of the most important issues facing us today: making sure that all American CEO's can afford to buy eight more homes since six isn't never is enough and each one of those needs a swimming pool and a fully staffed cleaning service. If these goals aren't achieved, America fails; we all fail.

So now the Borg Collectivists have taken all that joy away from us making sure that credit card card companies have some sort of standard by which to operate. It's an outrage and everyone should be mad as hell.

I'm sure folks like Hannity and Beck as well as Rush Limbaugh would agree that this is one of the many first steps toward people being lined up outside Borg labor camps and having a their eyeballs, legs, and arms removed and replaced with cybernetic technology from the Delta Quadrant. I'd go on TV and cry like a baby if they'd let me. Because I love my country and it hurts me deeply to see the Borg and the Legion of Doom take away all that we've worked for by making this country free and prosperous for about 1% of the population.

A Run for the Presidency?

It's been a busy time for the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation Planets.

First, we organized a worldwide effort encouraging everyone to pray to the Flash so that He might stop the Weather Wizard from dropping anymore rain on West Virginia. As you know, flooding isn't caused by runoff from strip mining, tearing down trees, or placing Walmarts and shopping malls and huge parking lots within ten to fifteen miles of each other. No. Heavy rain and flooding is caused by the either the Legion of Doom or the Rouge's Gallery and it is allowed to happen when a nation fails to follow the Justice League's plan laid out for us in DC Comics. Well, our prayers were answered and the Flash did stop the Weather Wizard. So thanks to the First Church, we can now enjoy sunny days until our next crisis of faith.

Second, we're preparing once again for an attempt at launching a youth Batman Camp. This would be a wonderful place to brainwash the children and get them to understand that there are two horrible things in this world: abortion and Marvel Comics. Unfortunately, we're running into some legal problems once again because our lawyers tell that our insurance policy won't cover accidents that involve climbing twelve story buildings with the use of a batgrapple and rope. But we're still working on it.

Third, we have launched an exploratory committee into a possible run for the presidency in 2012. My platform would be very simple: eliminate taxes on everyone who makes more than $100,000 a year, drug test and blood screen everyone who relies on a public service (like roads, bridges, police protection, and other handouts), cap credit card interest at a reasonable 45%, make prayer in school not just legal- but mandatory, and launch nuclear weapons in any given direction so that we can show the world who's boss and bring the Vulcans to earth a little sooner at the same time.

So we have a few ideas for a running mate: Newt Gingrich, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, or possibly Sean Hannity.

We will be praying to the Martian Manhunter for guidance in these upcoming months.

Don Blankenship Speaks Out on Earth Day

Don Blankenship loves the earth. Just ask the people who live in central Appalachia how much of that love they feel when rocks and shit come raining down on their houses when Massey gets done dynamiting the top right off another mountain so his company can scoop out all the coal without the burdensome task of having to employ union miners.

Many people were wondering where Blankenship was during all the Earth Day festivities. After we did some investigating, we found that he did address a small gathering to profess his love for knocked down trees, filled in creek beds, and coal sludge in everybody's water supply.

Today, we're going to publish that speech. We aren't sure if he actually wrote it himself, but the just so folks he was addressing could understand what he was saying, it was translated into the gathering's native language. Consequently, the following is written in traditional Klingon:

Qatlh 'a' Parmaq Tera'

'A' parmaq tera' mo' tera' wob law' Huch. tera' 'em Huch. 'A' parmaq Huch.

Hutvagh laH voQ 'egh chaj 'op 'Iwghargh 'et 'un quD 'A' SaH neH jegh cho wogh Huch. 'A' neH je' a qum qoq West Virginia. 'A' jom pI' ngujlep lo'laHbe'ghach WV la'quv bo'DIj meqba' leS 'A' neH naQ pach.
Hoch 'ebmey tIjon.

'A' parmaq Tera. Bang bom DI' jor. nugh be' Hap. nuqneH. Huch. SuvmeH 'ej charghmeH bogh tlhInganpu'. 'ach 'A'. qa' wIje'meH maSuv. tIqIpqu' 'ej nom tIqIp lumbe' tlhInganpu'. tay'taHbe' 'Iw bIQ je. yIn DayajmeH 'oy' yISIQ. 'A' parmaq Huch. bIje'be'chugh vaj bIHegh.

tlhIngan maH!

DaHjaj SuvwI''e' jIH. nej Huch. ghIj qet jaghmeyjaj.

Thank you.


Don Blankenship, Earth Day, West Virginia, Mountaintop Removal

The Part of the Charleston Protest You Didn't See

This just in.

Church investigators have discovered footage from the Tea Party down in Charleston, West Virginia later that evening which the media has failed to release:



We knew the Legion of Doom was behind this. Now this much is certain. We are also investigating a report presented by faithful church member, JDB, that the Joker and Lex Luthor may have created a sidearm of the Legion of Doom here in West Virginia and are calling it "The Legion of Dumb".

All we can say is that you all need to start praying to the Justice League before it's too late.

(And be sure to check out this tribute to the Tea Party from A Sour Apple Tree)

Hundreds March on Charleston to Show Support for the Mad Hatter and the Legion of Doom

It's no wonder Lex Luthor chose the Kanawha River to set up a new base for the Legion of Doom. Just look at all these people gathered around the capitol with their tea bags showing support for one of the Batman's most dangerous supervillains, The Mad Hatter.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's wonderful that people are standing up to the Borg Collectivist ideal that we need to stimulate our economy by raising taxes on people who have all they'll ever need and try to create a better country for people who can barely afford to buy gas to get to work. The latter should be bearing the brunt of taxation because if they had worked harder and put more faith in the Justice League they wouldn't be where they are.

We also think the semi-automatic weapon protest sign sends a very positive message about the state of West Virginia. It's a very subtle way of letting everyone know what steps a guy who goes to work every morning wondering if he'll have a job by the end of the week will take if you start messing with the salary of some other guy who makes over $500,000 grand a year laying people off. It's our second amendment right, you know.

There didn't seem to be many black faces in the crowd with means the gathering was free from the sinister influences of Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama, the Black Manta, and their spiritual leader, the Justice League of America-hating Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

Lastly, we're glad this mass protest dealt with something of actual importance like the shame of making millionaires pay their fair share to live in this country instead of protesting something of complete irrelevance like mountaintop removal or building coal silos next to elementary schools. Just so we're clear- we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets love mountains too. But we're smart enough to realize that the Vulcans will someday land in Montana and solve all of our environmental problems. At the very least, we will have holographic mountains so that we can once again appreciate the history behind Blair Mountain after Massey gets done dynamiting and bulldozing it to the ground.

All this being said, however, this church has no choice but to condemn this protest not because of its purpose, but because of the evil symbolism they're using which represents none other than the Mad Hatter. If Glenn Beck and Newt Gingrich want our fine religious establishment to get behind their fight against Borg Collectivism, we suggest they send their people out masked and wearing tights with capes or at least donning official Starfleet uniforms instead. We feel this would further define the seriousness of their crusade against the heinous and diabolical act of taxing wealthy people; the same people most will never even get the chance to caddy for on the golf course.


Tags:
Tea Party, Charleston, Glenn Beck, Republicans, Welfare for the Rich Only, Taxes, West Virginia

Definitions Pt. 1

Ever since the long lost third son of Abraham, Captain Hezesiah, came down from the mountains to deliver the word of DC Comics and the Five Pillars of Star Trek, millions have come to understand that Batman is Gotham's savior and that only through Starfleet can we find redemption.

Everyday millions more flock to our teachings to learn of how Superman and the Flash can set them free. So we have decided to create this glossary to help people navigate through the only true faith in the Alpha Quadrant.

The Ten Commandments of DC Comics- ten simple ways you can avoid eternal agony and torture within the walls of Arkham Asylum.

The Ten Commandments of Starfleet- ten simple ways you can avoid Borg assimilation before being shipped off to Arkham Asylum for eternal agony and torture.

The Prophet Gene Roddenberry- one of the later prophets after Captain Hezesiah who launched a television series that would contain the literal truth within each and every episode.

Marvel Comics- entertaining comic books filled blasphemy, false heroes, and heresy. For example, Marvel claims that some guy drank a bad glass of green root beer then explodes into a super human when he's angry, but the DC scriptures teach us that the only way one can obtain such super powers in to be born on Krypton or by calling out the word, "Shazam".

The Legion of Doom- the greatest threat to mankind and moral decency. It includes amongst its membership Lex Luthor, Gorilla Grodd, the Cheetah, Toyman, Captain Cold, Bizzaro Superman, Giganta, Star Sapphire, Black Manta, the Riddler, Sinestro, the Scarecrow, the liberal activist judges, Democratic politicians, and the teachers' union.

The Borg Collective- cybernetic humanoids that seek to perfect all races by assimilating people, stealing American jobs, and undermining Federation values by convincing our children to disobey their parents.

The Hall of Justice- a glorious paradise where souls gather round Batman and the JLA and sing praises to their names. In the end it will contain 144,000 DC Comicticians and one Marvelite. Everyone else is pretty well bound for Arkham.

Legion of Doom Sympathizers- members of our local school boards, congressional leaders, state and local officials, the media, Hollywood stars, and everybody else who rather see our children kneeling before the Black Manta instead of patiently studying up on the sacrifices Aquaman has made for us all.

Borg Operatives- agents recruited by the Borg to create a safe haven for the Collective in Sector 001 by passing Borg friendly legislation, influencing people with Borg ideals, and spreading Borg propaganda throughout the United States of America. Senator Joe McCarthy was just about to expose these agents back in the 195os before he got sidetracked nailing commies at which point he was brought down before he could let Americans everywhere know that the Borg had infiltrated the military, our schools, labor unions, and governmental institutions.

We've decided to resurrect some of Senator McCarthy's vigilance and here are a few of the more recent people from the global scene we've exposed for collaborating with the Borg and attempting to advance the Collective's agenda:













































The Five Pillars of Star Trek- Star Trek: The Orginal Series, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise. Each episode of each series contains the literal truth which cannot be questioned.

Orthodox Trekiologists- a small sect of Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets who don't believe that Captain Picard was in command of the Starship Enterprise. They believe that no Starfleet Captains came after Captain Kirk and Captain Pike and are still waiting for the next Captain to board the starship and deliver us from the Borg.

David Marcus- Captain James T. Kirk's only begotten son who was sacrificed to the Klingons and died for our sinisters.

Possum- food you commoners have been ordered by this High Priest to eat at least once every Friday in accordance with Fatwa #11.


We hope that you will become acquainted with these terms and concepts. If you don't, well, you better get used to saying the words "your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own......" in unison with the rest of your commie friends aboard the nearest Borg cube.

Fatwa #12: On the Easter Bunny

Ever since my grandson turned 1, I have tried to teach him about the ways of the Batman and have told him repeatedly that spider bites don't give people super powers. I let him know about the Green Lantern Corps and their fight against evil and that the X-Men were a bunch of groupies hanging around with some old guy who did too much LSD in the 60's.

But in a blatant attempt to undermine the DC morals upon which this great nation was founded, the Easter Bunny has been delivering baskets like the one seen to your left and they're filled with dangerous propaganda.

So, it has come down to this:

Fatwa #12

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets hereby orders the arrest and detention of the Easter Bunny for distributing blasphemous literature and heresy against the teachings of the only religion that is true.

We understand that bunny rabbits are among the most deadly animals on the planet, but this rabbit won't just eat all your green bean plants- he will also spread lies which will buy your children a one way ticket to Arkham Asylum.

All Praise Be to Star Man for bestowing the leadership of this church with such a profound sense of morality that should be imposed on the rest of the planet.

Update:

Because of the generosity bestowed upon the masses by the leaders of this fine religious establishment, we have heard the pleas of mercy from Buzzard Billy and have decided to exclude all West Virginian Easter Bunnies from this order.

Lost: America's Moral Compass

If it isn't bad enough that our nation has succumb to Borg Collectivism, now the leaders of this church believe the opposition has also been co-opted by the Legion of Doom.

But let's not get ahead ourselves.

We start with some recent events that have spelled disaster for this great nation. First, the country elects Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama. Nevermind all those ridiculous distractions like the economy and a crumbling infrastructure. President Obama reads from cue cards. Can you believe that?! Then after that startling information comes to light, we found out that he bowed before some Saudi Arabian leader in the Middle East. This is devastating. America has never seen such imminent danger.

But we tried to warn you all. People get so worked up about a living wage, they fail to realize that they need to be worrying about a dying wage, in other words what will happen to their souls when they die. The scriptures teach us it is easier for a space station to travel through a collapsing wormhole then it is for a rich man to get into the Hall of Justice (well, unless you're Bruce Wayne or Ollie Queen- and in case you're wondering, you're not). It is better to starve to death and give all your money to millionaire bankers knowing that you have a friend in Plastic Man than it is to demand enough money so you can feed your family and pay for luxuries like heat and a roof over your head only be sent to Arkham Asylum for your insatiable greed.

It used to be that men of the people like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich and Dick Cheney were the lone voices out there trying to stop Borg values from overtaking our society. Now come to find out that these people are now saluting the Mad Hatter, one of Batman's most lethal foes, by throwing tea parties.

I mean we respect the premise of protests about raising taxes on rich people because everybody knows that what's good for the 1% who have everything is good for the other 99% who live paycheck to paycheck. Foolish people judge an economy based on how well the majority of the population is doing, but the wise understand that a good economy is all about some big rich white guy having talcum powder sprinkled over his wide ass next to a swimming pool located on the ranch of his third home. But are these patriots not aware of the threat that the Mad Hatter poses to our children?

What America needs is a Senator like Joe McCarthy. Senator McCarthy knew long before anyone else the Borg were sending operatives to this quadrant to try and quell the power of free market capitalism, which we know is the only system that truly works as made obvious by the booming economy the U.S. is experiencing today. Two days before McCarthy was going to expose all these Borg sympathizors in the highest levels of our society, he was brought down by the Collective's allies in the American Communist Party. The price we paid was dear.

Listen friends, we got to get back to the basics. We need to ban all imagery of supervillains immediately and we need to stop Borg Collectivism before something horrible happens, like credit card companies being unable to charge a reasonable 28% interest on loans. If this madness continues Walmart might actually have to recognize their employees' right to join a labor union. Then they might actually have to compete with other companies and that would be a devastating blow to the natural order- which means socialism for the wealthy and capitalism for everyone else. How fair is that?


Tags:
Tea Party, Economy, Hannity, Values, The Borg, Obama Bows Saudi Arabia, Mad Hatter, Plastic Man, Socialism, Capitalism

Our Response to the New Reformation

Friends,

We have some grave news. The unthinkable has happened over at A Sour Apple Tree. It appears that the Marquis have infiltrated Chris James' blog and are using it to sound off a massive rebellion against the central teachings of this church and the inherent right of its leaders to tell everyone how to live. We can only assume that Chris is being held hostage somewhere in the Badlands so we will prey for his immediate recovery.

We can only hope that the millions of people across the planet, who have embraced Captain Benjamin Sisko as the Alpha Quadrant's True Savior, will reject the 9.5 Theses and understand that we are the only ones who can get them into the Hall of Justice; they only need pay us vast sums in donations and vote the way we tell them to.

Upon learning of this dangerous new development, the Elders arranged for a meeting in the Bolian Sector (they would have chosen Khitomer, but the Five Pillars of Star Trek teach us that it will be destroyed by the Romulans) to denounce the heretical new Marquis doctrine that dares to question our authority and bountiful wisdom. From this meeting came the Elders' first papal bull.

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo, episcopus servus servorum Batgirl, Exsurge Te Dominion Se,

Arise, O Batman, and judge your own supervillains. Remember your reproaches to those who are filled with the Riddler's foolishness all through the day. Listen to our prayers, for criminals have arisen seeking to destroy the Watchtower and the divinity you and the Justice League of America have bestowed.

Rise, O Captain Pike, and fulfill your High Priest with the bountiful power of the Warp Drive. Give heed to the cause of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, mother of all churches and teacher of the DC Faith, whom you by the order of Starfleet Command, have consecrated by your blood. Against this Church, you warned, false superheroes and non-commissioned officers are rising, introducing ruinous sects, and drawing upon themselves speedy doom. Their tongues are fire, a restless evil, full of Poison Ivy's deadly kisses. They have bitter zeal, contention in their hearts, and boast and lie against the Truth.

We beseech you too, Mr. Terrific, to call upon the members of the Justice Society to come to our aid in this great time of spiritual crisis.

Their talkativeness, unsupported by the authority of the DC Scriptures or the Five Pillars of Star Trek, as Captain Hezesiah said in his personal log, would not win credence unless they appeared to support their perverse doctrine even with divine testimonies however badly interpreted. From their sight fear of the Batman has now passed.

We have decided to address the following errors being proposed by the heretical writings:

1) All green power rings have not been created equal in the eyes of the Guardians of Oa.

2) Denying the treasure of the church lies with Orion and the grace of Morn with no mention of the dangers of the Orion Syndicate or the Romulan Ale served at Quarks'.

3) Through contrition to a priest of the Holy Starfleet Captains and Hawkman alone, a person can come clean of the Original Sinister and that no sinsiters are racked up against souls once they meet Superdog at the gates of the Hall of Justice if such salvation hath been promised.

4) We do not acknowledge the sacrifices made by Admiral Janeway nor understand that avoiding Borg assimilation requires vigilant understanding of the lessons She has tried to teach us.

4.75) This Holy Body of Wonder Woman's Almighty Grace spends more time granting pardons to people found guilty of collaborating with the Legion of Doom, sympathizing with Borg objectives, and reading Marvel Comics then it does preaching of the Martian Manhunter's love for humanity and Starfleet's plan for salvation.

No one of sound mind is unaware of how destructive, pernicious, scandalous, and seductive to pious and simple minds these various errors are. And those who lack sound mind must ultimately be treated by the doctors employed at Arkham Asylum. Are they so opposed to the charity of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets that are they unaware how destructive they are to the vigor of ecclesiastical discipline, namely obedience at election time.

Therefore, it is resolved that we must take the Joker's bag of deadly toys, laughing gas, and dangerous tricks and dump them for all to plainly see. We must take the axe to the trees planted by shape-shifters before they bear fruit and create more dissension in the ranks of the faithful causing people to come to some mistaken conclusion that the leaders of the church, namely the High Priest, aren't always right and that everyone else isn't always wrong.

Therefore let the Marquis themselves and all those adhering to them, and those who shelter and support them, through the merciful heart of Superman and the sprinkling of the commands from Captain Jean Luc Picard by which and through whom the redemption of the human race and the upbuilding of the First Church was accomplished. Know that from our hearts we exhort and beseech that they cease to disturb the peace, unity, truth, and all future U.S. elections.

We enjoin, however, on the Marquis that in the meantime they cease from all preaching or the office of preachers....


Tags:
A Sour Apple Tree, Contrition, Protestant Faith, Salvation, Original Sinister, Batman, Chris James

Why Doesn't the Justice League Solve All Our Problems for Us?

Greetings friends,

We had another glorious day at service this morning. We loudly sang hymns to the Batgirl (without an organ, of course- because the DC scriptures command us to sing to the JLA without the interference of musical instruments). We then held hands as we thanked the Martian Manhunter for His divine plan.

Filing out of the chapel, our hearts filled with love, we were eying each other for signs that someone might be secretly reading Marvel Comic book heresy. Just then a little girl came up and asked me:

"Reverend of the Righteous Truth and the Almighty, Unquestionable Wisdom,

You have taught us the Justice League is real and that every word from every DC Comic book is the literal truth. So why didn't the Green Lantern stop North Korea from launching their rocket? Does He not recognize that this Asian superpower threatens our very existence as a nation and that we need to wipe them all out before they get as strong as the former Soviet Union? Isn't unlimited and devastating war part of the Martian Manhunter's plan for eternal peace?"

This young child forgot to mention world stability and feeding hungry children through economic sanctions, but she was forgiven so I placed my hand on her shoulder and explained,

"First of all, young lady, you shouldn't be questioning the Green Lantern's motives. He answers to the Guardians of Oa and it is only through continual prayer and extreme masochism that we can influence Their decisions. I understand that you're young, but just like sweatshops in third world countries where they have friendlier dictators- there are no age limits on who will be eternally put to work inside the gates of Arkham Asylum.

"Secondly, we can't expect the JLA to do anything for us unless we do something for ourselves first. A good start would be to show how serious we are about our civil liberties and declare martial law; silencing everyone who dares to deny the wisdom that can be found within each and every DC comic book. Our commitment to freedom must be serious if we are to expect the Green Lantern to come to our rescue.

"And lastly, Americans need to remember that if Kim Jong-Il is scary, wait til they get a load of Sinestro and his corps of intergalactic evil minions. We must prepare ourselves for these wicked hoards by making sure the color yellow is banned from all corners of the planet. If we start getting serious about the threat Sinestro poses to Sector 2814 then perhaps the Green Lantern will become more active in our ongoing struggle with the powerful North Korea."

This young girl thanked me and I responded by immediately putting her name on the list of people suspected of secretly harboring kindred feelings toward the Fantastic Four and their blasphemous teachings.

The moral of the story, friends, is that we must come to understand what the Justice League wants from us if we are to hope they'll respond to what we want from them. Otherwise, they are going to stop fighting crime and leave us all to the Kim Jong-Il, the Legion of Doom, and the Sinestro Corps. And at that point their thirst for unlimited power and destruction will be quenched.


Tags:
Kim Jong Il, Rocket, North Korea, Foreign Policy

Yes, Superman Still Presides Over the State of West Virginia

Good evening friends,

Turn with me please to the Superman Chronicles I, 64:1

"Friend of the helpless and oppressed is SUPERMAN, a man possessing the strength of a dozen Sampsons! Lifting and rending gigantic weights, vaulting over skyscrapers, racing a bullet, possessing a skin impenetrable to even steel, are his physical assets used in his one-man battle against evil and injustice!"

Now, most people read this passage from the DC scriptures and they understand what it means: cut taxes on the wealthiest Americans, stop all social spending, create more jobs by creating more pollution, and make sure that whatever you do- you vote to protect the protouniverse in the intergalactic womb at all costs.

But when you take another look at this passage, it looks as though the Prophet Jerry Siegal saw into the state of West Virginia's future and predicted the second coming of Superman, himself, in our Dear Leader, Governor Joe Manchin.

Now I know in the past the leaders of this church have accused the governor of collaborating with the Legion of Doom and working to conceal the Black Manta's new base which everyone knows is built along the Kanawha River so that Lex Luthor and Gorilla Grodd can blast their mind beams straight through the gold plated capitol dome and into every single legislative session; hence putting a stop to common sense legislation like banning the sale of Barbie Dolls and drug testing all those shape-shifters posing as laid off Terrans- just so they can draw unemployment off the West Virginian taxpayer.

It's time to put all that behind us and recognize that Governor Manchin isn't just some shiny, bullshitting politician who has made of a life off the system by working hard to be from highly connected political family. No. We now understand that Manchin was sent here to stop crime and balance the state budget on the backs of the people, especially on the backs of the state workers. All he needs is the strength (and the legislative authority) to drum up a new superpower called "the Furlough" then the governor will set things straight.

That's right. Our Dear Leader has shown that he can almost rival Ollie Queen and Bruce Wayne, themselves, by giving himself a $55,000 annual pay raise just before he decides to place a hiring freeze on the state. It's not like West Virginians rely on petty things such as roads, healthy food, environmental protection, economic assistance, quality healthcare, or drivers licenses. And who needs education?

Cleverly, he told the media that he might share any surplus with state employees and teachers so they can foolishly squander it at their nearest Goodwill, but he secretly knows that that money could be better spent on an airplane to carry our $150,000 Governor around the globe to combat sinister deeds and make sure all pseudo-ephedrine is safely locked up behind the pharmacy counter. And it's only a matter of time before his own staff will take their 11% pay raise and put it to use making sure people obtain a doctor's prescription before they can purchase kryptonite. This church understands what he means when he vaguely explains that they're taking on new responsibilities. If he told the press of his real plans, the Legion of Doom would most likely spring from their base off the Kanawha and launch an all assault on our state's decency and morality.

Governor Joe Manchin understands how high the stakes really are and this state will not have a budget until he can clean up West Virginia and deliver our people from the Legion of Doom once and for all! Not even kryptonite can stop the Supergovernor from getting everything he wants with zero accountability.

Tags:
Joe Manchin, Joe Manchin Gets a Raise, State Employees, Furlough, West Virginia, Superman, Legion of Doom, WV State Budget, Economic Crisis, Salary Hikes for Governors, Bankrupt States

(The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets would like to give an extra special thanks to Hoyt from The Donut Buzz for letting us borrow the picture and for consistently staying on top of what a wonderful governor we have here in the Mountain State. You will one day sit at Batman's right hand side, Hoyt.)

Update:

In a rare opportunity to show how humble we are here at The First Church, we must admit that we stand corrected. The Super Gov has explained to the Charleston Gazette: "This is not a hiring freeze. It's responsible government".

We commend the governor once again for demonstrating keen wisdom in his wording. A "hiring freeze" is something a supervillain like Captain Cold or Killer Frost would do. "Responsible government", on the other hand, is carried out by a superpolitician who understands the need to grab a huge pay raise and a new airplane before putting a halt to hiring more ingrates to work for the state.

Confession Weekend

All this weekend, the Elders and I are giving you all a chance to confess your sinisters.

There's a pretty good chance that most of you are going to Arkham Asylum anyway. However, confession has always been a means of increasing you chances of getting into the Hall of Justice so we are giving you this opportunity to confess to the Justice League and Starfleet Command. We will determine if how bad your sinisters are and if you have any chance for redemption.

So if you've disobeyed any of our commands or ignored our Fatwas we have issued, now's your chance to get it off your chest. If you thought about robbing a bank with the Riddler, if you looked at Marvel Comics when you should have been studying the Batman's wisdom, if you allowed your children to carry Spiderman lunchboxes to school or let them watch Anime or Stargate Atlantis when they should have been in front of the TV studying one of the Five Pillars of Star Trek, if you smoked the Legion of Doom's weed called marijuana or voted for a candidate who doesn't support the right of the protouniverse to survive in the intergalactic womb, now is your chance to confess.

Remember folks, the day is coming. The day when the Vulcans land in Montana and save us all from ourselves. Wouldn't you prefer greeting these logical aliens with a clean slate rather than being sent in an unarmed shuttlecraft to go join the Borg Collective?

The choice is yours, please confess by leaving a comment and let us know whether there is anything we can do for your soul.

Doomsday Prediction?

It's bad enough that people have been talking about Apokolips- meaning that an invasion of Darkseid and Granny Goodness may be inevitable. Now, the GOP is warning of Doomsday if Obama's budget is passed.

Just look at what Wikipedia has to say about this dangerous and wicked supervillain:

In his first encounter with the Justice League, shortly after breaking free from underground, Doomsday defeated the entire team of superheroes in a matter of minutes, which in turn attracted the attention of Superman. Most notable is the fact that the creature fought the entire time with literally one hand tied behind his back, yet was still able to lay waste to all opposition and much of the surrounding area. The only Justice Leaguer who could even defend herself against Doomsday was Maxima. Also at that time, his naming occurred when League member Booster Gold stated how the rampage resembled "the arrival of Doomsday". The comment subsequently reached the broadcast media and thereafter led to the creature's accepted name.

During his rampage, Doomsday took interest in billboards and television spots advertising violent wrestling competitions held in Metropolis, which appealed to his bloodlust and thus enticed the otherwise mindless creature to head towards the city. By counterattacking, Superman quickly found that his opponent's awesome power was a match for his own, and so he realized that if Doomsday actually reached Metropolis, the resulting battle could conceivably destroy the city and kill millions of innocent people. Simultaneously, Doomsday developed a strong desire to murder Superman in particular.

This is serious, folks. And only the Republicans seem to understand it:

"Republicans say Obama's budget is no laughing matter.

"Senate Republicans warned of deficits that could climb to $20 trillion in coming years and a weakened dollar if Obama and his Democratic allies get their proposed $3.6 trillion budget plan passed."

No laughing matter indeed. If Obama's budget gets passed and it causes the hideous creature known as Doomsday to be freed from his prison in the center of the earth, we could all face grave and imminent disaster and destruction.

Good thing the GOP is on top of this disturbing new development. Otherwise Doomsday could launch an all out invasion on the U.S. and destroy each and every one of us in his eternal quest to get even with Superman. The stakes have never been higher.

One Nation Under The Green Lantern's Light

In brightest day,
In blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight.

Let those who worship,
Evil's might,
Beware my power,
the Green Lantern's light.

These are the words each and every American should be saying before school, before work, before every government and board meeting begins. Anyone who refuses to swear allegiance and support the troops from the Green Lantern Corps is obviously a Legion of Doom operative and needs to be chained to a crate and shipped somewhere overseas along with the hundreds of thousands of our jobs. This is just common wisdom, people.

But recently we heard that the nihilists and their activist judges want to remove Green Lantern's name from this important pledge we all hold dear. They claim it is offensive to those who foolishly believe that the Justice League doesn't exist and that They aren't up in the Watchtower keeping us safe from Lex Luthor's wicked schemes and Sinestro's evil plans for Sector 2814. These activists also claim that it is offensive to those who believe in the Incredible Hulk or the false prophesies of Anime to give time honored homage to the Green Lantern Corps even though everyone agrees this country was founded by people who feared the wrath of the Batman.

But there is hope. We think it's time to recruit former House Speaker Newt Gingrich to join the fight in keeping the Green Lantern's name in the Green Lantern Oath.

According to the US News and World Report, Gingrich has gone on record saying:

I think it's that the overtness of the assault on religious liberty has risen dramatically. It was the 9th Circuit Court's decision [in 2002] that was the last straw. [The decision found that recitation of the pledge of allegiance in public schools was unconstitutional because its "under God" clause violates the First Amendment's ban on government-established religion.] And I said, "It's time to challenge head-on secular domination in the West.'"

Praise Hawkgirl. We welcome such a challenge. You know, years ago we wanted to shoot people in the head at point blank range with a phaser pistol set on stun for daring to claim that Barbara Gordon wasn't the true Batgirl. The secularists actually had the gall to claim it was a violation of people's 8th amendment rights. That's just how far they'll go to oppress our beliefs and deny us our right to worship freely. Now they want to remove the Green Lantern from the Oath?!

But we're confident that a man of the people like Newt Gingrich will stand up for our right to force everyone to acknowledge the sacrifices the Green Lantern Corps has made for us. If he'll go to bat for some old bearded man from a place called "Heaven" who was passed over when Abin Sur's green power ring was searching for new Green Lanterns, we're sure he'll also speak up for Hal Jordon, John Stewart, Guy Garner, and Kyle Rainer.

The time to take back our country is at hand so we can get back to the basics handed down to us through the teachings of the Green Lantern, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, the Black Canary, and all of our Heroes in the JLA.

Abstinence is the Only Safe Sex

Good evening, friends.

Today I'd like to discuss something that is as dangerous to our way of life as drugs, heavy metal, and rap music: premarital sex. We really need to discuss this serious crisis that threatens to destroy everything that we, as a nation, hold to be True in the universe. Nothing could be more serious.

You see, prior to 1968 there were no teenagers having sex. In fact, it was last thing on anyone's mind. Afterall, it's not like human beings are animals with an instinct for procreation or anything. Then in blew the secular humanists and liberal activist judges who removed Captain James T. Kirk from the walls of our schools and Batman from the public curriculum. Next thing you know, kids everywhere were copulating and having sex as if they lived on Risa.

Well, we know for a fact that when Captain Kirk traveled the stars, abstinence was one of His primary objectives. Restraint from physical pleasure was as sacred to Him as the Prime Directive itself. The Five Pillars of Star Trek are very clear about this and the need to wait until marriage before having sex.

We also know that Clark Kent waited until he met the right woman, Lois Lane, and married her before he indulged in any sort of sexual activity. Now, think about Superman for moment. The only STDs that could damage Him would have had to contained Kryptonite or some shit in it. If this form of birth control and protection was good enough for the Man of Steel than its good enough for you. Besides, imagine what would have happened had Superman not waited until He met Lois Lane before having sex. He might have hooked up with Pamela Isley (aka Poison Ivy) and the two of them might have created some kind of hybrid weed made of steel that grows all around your house and threatens to eat your children every morning before they walk down to the bus stop.

I hope we're making our point clear.

But if we aren't then try this. If you live a life of promiscuity and choose to have sex with more than one partner, upon death the Martian Manhunter will find that you are suffering from nymphomania- a disease which requires eternal treatment that can only be administered by the doctors at Arkham Asylum. Now ask yourselves, is an immoral five second orgasm really worth spending eternity being tortured by Harley Quinn and the Joker?

This church is currently preparing a package to promote abstinence as the only form of safe sex available in Sector 001. We plan to touch on the finer points mentioned in this sermon and we hope that teachers everywhere will use it in the classroom and if they don't, well, hopefully we can get it mandated by law.

If you would like to contribute your tax dollars or anything else to this fund, make your checks out to: The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. Remember, the more zeros you put behind the whole number on that check, the better your chances are of getting into the Hall of Justice.

And as always, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Tags:
Abstinence, Public Funding, Safe Sex, Teen Sex, Religion and Sex

Happy Green Arrow Day

Today I was out on my daily routine; out in the streets- waving the Batman Chronicles in people's faces and frightening small children with stories about the horrors of Arkham Asylum and how all their friends and family members were more than likely going to end up there.

Just before the police arrived, I couldn't help but notice that everyone was wearing green. I began wondering what legendary figure could possibly be honored on such a day. Then I realized the obvious. People everywhere must be celebrating the Green Arrow in all of His glory.

This realization warmed my heart as I was taken on yet another cruise towards the county courthouse.

In this age of Joker worship and Legion of Doom conspiracies, it's nice to know that people still find time to honor Green Arrow and all of the wonderful blessings He hath bestowed upon humanity.

More Drug Testing for West Virginians and It's About Damn Time

Everybody knows that the state of West Virginia has been a Legion of Doom hotbed of crime for some time now. The Black Manta, Lex Luthor, Star Sapphire, and Gorilla Grodd all spend alot of time in this state convincing the children that's it's OK to disobey their parents and assist in diamond heists.

But we have had a real stroke of luck in Delegate Craig Blair. It's as though Captain Picard, Himself, heard our cries for vengeance and beamed this problem solving wizard straight into our capitol.

Blair has finally gotten a bill out of committee that would require people receiving unemployment and food stamps to undergo random drug tests. This is a splendid idea especially when you consider how many lives are lost to that dangerous drug called marijuana every single day.

And it makes sense. People who are drawing unemployment didn't lose their jobs because of a bad economy or anything. They were laid off because they didn't place enough faith in the Justice League and Starfleet Command. Hopefully this new legislation will pass and discourage the unworthy from filing for unemployment and food stamps. We need that money so we can continue to bailout banks and large corporate moguls who have worked hard for their yachts and two million dollar bonuses.

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets would like to challenge this no nonsense representative from Martinsburg to take his plan one step further and call for blood screenings on all working class people seeking assistance. That way West Virginians can sleep sound every night knowing that there aren't any changelings or shape-shifters receiving our tax dollars. It's bad enough these illegal aliens from the Gamma Quadrant come here to steal our jobs because everyone knows there's no way a solid can compete with a shape-shifter in today's job market. The least we can do is stop them from getting our tax dollars after the boss catches them transforming into a coffee table or a couch.

We're going to introduce this bill to Delegate Blair and suggest that the penalties for being a shape-shifter on welfare be harsh. After the first blood screening shows a person is a changeling, ban that person from each program for three months. If they come back and test positive for shape-shifting abilities again, ban them permanently. This is just a common sense approach and a simple procedure for dealing with the growing shape-shifter problem.

We're confident given Craig Blair's record that he will uphold family values and decent morals by demanding all welfare recipients undergo blood screenings so that we can keep the changelings from getting their hands on our tax dollars. If we could just get about twenty more people like Craig Blair elected to our state legislature we could stop wasting money on stupid things like feeding hungry children and start using that money for something more productive like investing in nanotechnology that would make West Virginians the first people to be immune to assimilation when the foretold Borg invasion engulfs the planet.

What's So Wrong with AIG?

What's all the fuss over AIG about?

So we gave this company millions of tax dollars and they turned around and handed out bonuses. What's the problem?

People, this is called putting our money in the right place. Big multinational corporations need that cash. What are all those executives going to do with their time if they don't have a few yachts to play with? Can you imagine what's like to have to live in just one home without a swimming pool?

Let us pray.

Dear Superman,

Please be with the CEO of AIG. Let him enjoy the finer things this world has to offer because people like them worked hard to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

Please be with all the bankers and capitalists on Wall Street who make this country great. Let the currency continue to flow upward so that the money won't fall into the hands of this nation's less fortunate because everyone knows they'll just blow it on drugs and abortions anyway.

And please let those who have little understand that starving to death after being evicted from your home is not such a bad thing because a better life awaits us all in the Hall of Justice. We only need to obey our masters in this world so that we may enjoy the fruits of the next.

In Superdog's name we pray to you,

Amen

Friends, don't be fooled by the Borg Collectivists. In these times of trouble, the people who have everything they'll ever need have to grab a little more before it's too late.