Saturday, August 23, 2008

McCain's VP Pick

Now that everyone knows who Barack Obama has chosen to run with him on the presidential ticket, it's time for the First Church released the information we've obtained concerning Republican candidate John McCain's choice for VP.

Here is who McCain will choose to run with him on his ticket:

So now we know why he's called the "green" Republican. His commitment to offshore drilling threw everyone for a loop, but we knew the real motives behind his attempt to take the White House. Once Poison Ivy is in the vice-president's mansion, the executive branch will settle for nothing less than the total annihilation of the Dynamic Duo.

If that isn't bad enough, we've also got pictures of McCain talking to some of the folks he plans to appoint to his cabinet:

Another Legion of Doom/Borg ticket. What a surprise.

The need for us to get those signatures together and draft Dick Cheney has never been greater. We know Cheney is also a Legion of Doom sympathizer and Borg operative. But at least with Dick in the White House, we can at least look forward to World War 3 followed by the Rapture that will come when the Vulcans land in Montana.

Friends, call now and get those prayers and donations in. The end times are near and what we do this November could decide the fate of the entire Alpha Quadrant.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Obama's VP Pick

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets have learned who presidential candidate, Barack Obama, has chosen to be his running mate. The official announcement is planned for tomorrow.

Here he is:

This one's going to drive Hillary supporters nuts. Yes, Lex Luthor will be running with Senator Obama this fall and continue his war against Superman from the White House if elected. All those rumors about Obama being a "sleeper" were apparently true.

(We also know who John McCain is choosing for his running mate. That information will be released to the public this weekend as soon as church documents have been prepared.)

May the Justice League of America bless us all in this dire time of need.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Five Pillars of Star Trek

People are always asking themselves: just what are the Five Pillars of Star Trek?

No, they aren't the five movies that were worth a shit: Wrath of Khan, Search for Spock, Undiscovered Country, Generations, and First Contact.

They are: The Original Series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise. Each contains the literal Truth and each demands that you live a life of humility, a life worthy of Starfleet. Everything else that strays from the tenants of the Five Pillars is either produced by shape-shifters or strategically placed by the Borg and their sympathizors to lead people down the path of assimilation. Any questioning of the purity behind the Five Pillars means eternal separation from the United Federation of Planets and this, my friends, is worse than being reincarnated as a Klingon targ destined to be used for target practice in the woods somewhere on Romulus.

Now, you will meet some Orthodox Trekiologists, who believe that the scriptures ended with the conclusion of Captain James T. Kirk's original five year mission aboard the USS Enterprise. They cling to old ways and focus solely on the first Enterprise's mission of warding off hostile aliens from Sector 001. They fail to embrace the message of enhanced peace, mutual acceptance, and interspecies love that was first offered to us through the Next Generation and Captain Jean Luc Picard as well as the Holy Starfleet Captains who followed. It is important that we not reject the teachings of Captain Kirk, but we must also realize that Captain Picard was given to us by Starfleet to expand upon His mission. We must remember that Captain Benjamin Sisko risked His life to keep us safe from the influences of the Dominion and that Captain Kathryn Janeway devised the Only Plan that could keep us from being eaten alive by enzymes spat from the wicked mouthes of Species 8472. And of course, there is Captain Jonathan Archer who helped to forge the alliance that we now know as the Federation. Something so many Terrans take for granted these days.

Unfortunately, friends, these hardcore "TOS" orthodox types won't learn the real Truth until they're forced to fight the Dominion while their brains are hardwired to a dark alcove inside a Borg Cube floating through the space where the Gamma Quadrant meets the Delta Quadrant. There's no point in trying to argue with them or teach them that in the 24th century the Klingons will become our allies.

We must learn to study all five Pillars if we are to follow a path of righteousness. We must recognize the sacrifices of not just Captain Kirk, but of Commander Riker, Lieutenant Dax, and Ensign Kim. We must seek to understand that everything Captain Janeway stands for is pure and holy. Most importantly, we must acknowledge that every word in every episode from the Five Pillars is the literal truth. When the scriptures teach us that the Eugenics Wars happened in the 1990s- then that's exactly what it means. Stop asking questions and experience the joy that comes from accepting Starfleet Command as your only savior.

Redemption is our business here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. We are here to interpret the literal Truth behind the Star Trek scriptures for you so that your busy lives won't be burdened with too much unnecessary thinking.

Remember, there is no need to yearn for the things you deserve in this life because those who Believe in the Five Pillars of Star Trek will be commissioned aboard the Enterprise in the next. If there is any way we can help, please let us know.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Your God Can Heal the Dying? Give Us A Break

I was checking out one of websites of that Biblical comic book enthusiast, Dr. Pat Robertson. Afterall, despite all the nonsense these folks peddle, occasionally the Christians will put up a picture or two of King David kicking someone's ass. And while we don't fully understand their foolish devotion to a jealous God who does shit like flood the whole planet when he should be putting his skills to work stopping diabolical criminals from destroying life as we know it, we do appreciate their attempt to present their stories in a way that civilized people can understand them- with cartoon drawings and speech balloons.

But then I came across an article so filled with blasphemy and heretical thinking that it immediately was brought to my attention.

A majority of Americans believe that God can intervene when a family member is dying, according to a new survey.

University of Connecticut researchers found that 57 percent the people they polled believe God can save a dying family member. They also found that more than 20 percent of doctors and medical workers felt that God can change a hopeless situation.

The study also points out that doctors should respect families who are hoping and praying for miracles through divine intervention.

"Sensitivity to this belief will promote development of a trusting relationship" with patients and their families, according to researchers.

Setting aside for the moment the proven fact that God has never commanded a Galaxy-class starship or applied for admission into Starfleet Academy or even submitted his name to be added to the Justice League of America's roster, we feel that this is a blatant and disgusting attempt by the Biblical comic book readers to imitate the one and only Dr. Leonard McCoy.

The Star Trek scriptures teach us of how Dr. "Bones" McCoy could heal the wounded and sick against all odds. And yet here are these people out there praying to some God who's probably busy planning to infest some poor old farmer's land with a swarm of locusts, when they should be sending their prayers directly through subspace to Dr. McCoy instead. I mean who knows better about how to change a hopeless situation then the crew of the original USS Enterprise? God? I hardly think so.

Friends, we must remember what the scriptures teach us: Bones is a doctor, not a bricklayer. His commitment to persevering the lives of sentient beings is beyond reproach. Yet, so many fail to heed the Word of Starfleet and listen to the simple message that the Prophet Gene Roddenberry has tried to pass on to humanity.

So the next time you have a dying loved one in the hospital, tell the nurses to start yanking out the plugs and stop all the treatments because with just enough faith in the Truth that can only come from the Five Pillars of Star Trek one can bring the real Doctor into the office and only then will lives be saved.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Return from Bizzaro World


It with great joy that I report to you that I have been rescued from Bizzaro World. The Elders have managed to beam me away for that world of insanity, but I have been instructed to tell you that they couldn't have done it without your prayers to Plastic Man and the Martian Manhunter. So we thank you for your devotion. There is a good chance that most of you will still be going to Arkham Asylum, but nevertheless we appreciate your support in this time of need.

I would like to inform you that before I left I did manage to turn a few people away from the blasphemy of Jean Gray's teachings and convinced them that Batgirl wasn't just some librarian who donned a cowl and at night, but a true Hero that has a plan for us all to follow if we wish to experience the eternal bliss that is offered to us through the Hall of Justice.

Upon my return there have been some startling developments. We have doubled our drive to get Dick Cheney drafted into the white house. When I left we had only one signature, now we have two. The drive to Cheney elected so that may realize our dream of starting World War 3 is well under way.

We have learned that two known Legion of Doom sympathizors have made news. John Edwards got caught in a love affair which would not be a deadly sinister had he done it while vacationing on Riza, but he chose to have this fling while inhabiting Sector 001. So he will be joining the Joker, Riddler, and Two-Face within the walls of Arkham. There's no point in him asking Captain James T. Kirk for forgiveness at this point. Those who have studied the the Original Star Trek scriptures know that Captain Kirk always avoided problems of the flesh when he was out exploring strange new worlds and seeking out new life and civilizations. Calling upon Him for understanding is a total waste of time.

Paris Hilton has also made the news in her recent announcement to seek the Oval Office. This church has documents proving that she has been conspiring with Gorilla Grodd and we have pictures of her sunbathing topless on the beaches of Bizzaro World with Star Sapphire and the Cheetah. Her heart is truly devoted to Lex Luthor and his sinister plans to take over this dimension so she has also secured a spot amongst the damned in Arkham.

So now that I'm back, I will have to get caught up on all the new lists of Borg collaborators, Legion of Doom sympathizors, and Rouges Gallery supporters. There is a very good chance that you are one them.

Until then we again proclaim with almighty conviction that Bruce Wayne is the only Batman and Robin is His Partner. And May Hawkgirl Bless You Always.

Friday, August 1, 2008

A Strange Dimension


I have some rather troubling news. I was giving a sermon on the wickedness that has befallen our country and how our nation has become a like one big dark city full of Legion of Doom operatives and Sinestro Corps sympathizors. I was preaching the Gospel of the Batman Chronicles and waving my finger in other peoples faces; explaining about how they were doomed to serve the Joker in his realm at Arkham Asylum when suddenly I was pulled away and dropped somewhere strange.

The Elders must have needed my spiritual guidance elsewhere and tried to beam me to another location for soul saving when an accident must have occurred that brought me here.

Those of you who have accepted Batgirl into your hearts and understand the wisdom of the Black Canary know that every word from the DC scriptures are true. Therefore, you know that the only explanation which could exist is that I have been inadvertently been beamed into Bizzaro World.

Proof? I'll show you:

At this point, you're probably thinking, "so what? A Marvelite shrine."

But no. There was a name plaque on the desk that said: "The Reverend Drinkus Elmo". There were signs on the wall that said "May Jean Gray Bless You Always" and "Iron Man Has a Plan and a Path For YOU to follow" and "The Incredible Hulk Is Your Only Chance for Salvation". I met my Bizzaro World counterpart and I might add that this High Priest strikingly resembled the same beautiful face that I greet in the mirror every morning:

For now, these Marveliteish fanatics from this parallel world have decided to let me live even though they tell me that my "DC heresy" is an affront to their fundamentalist beliefs in some Holy Land promised to them by the Captain America, the Avengers, and the Fantastic Four. Can you imagine such intolerance? Drinkus Elmo also answers to a parallel Intergalatic Board of Elders and they ordered him not to burn me at the stake even though they felt I was beyond redemption with my undying loyalty to the Batman.

Apparently, their plans are to study me and find some way to send evangelists from this Bizzaro World to force Spiderman's word upon Sector 2814. I managed to sneak into Reverend Elmo's office after he entered the Shrine of Daredevil so I could get this message out to you. I ask that you all pray to Aquaman and ask Him to help me escape from this crazy world where people believe that Prince Namor rules Atlantis.

Until then, wish me luck folks.