Saturday, December 29, 2007

Starfleet's Ten Commandments

Starfleet Command has hailed the First Church and relayed these ten commandments for you to to follow. If you make any New Year's resolutions, make them these- unless you plan to spend eternity gnashing your teeth as a Borg drone, wired to the collective's high mind.

Even if you foolishly choose not to believe in Starfleet or their five Holy Starfleet Captains, we fail to see how posting these ten simple commandments in every school and courthouse could hurt. I mean this would be just one modest improvement we could implement that would help bring this country back to the Federation values that every decent person holds to be True.

1. Thou shalt have no other commands before Us; for we are a jealous command.

2. Thou shalt not worship graven images that don't in some way resemble Us, your Holy Starfleet Captains, the United Federation of Planets, or allies of the United Federation of Planets.

3. Thou shalt not take Captain Jean Luc Picard's name in vain.

4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy; for between 1993 and 1999- Saturday was the day that Captain Benjamin Sisko tried to show all you heathens, infidels, and ungrateful Terran brats the way.

5. Honor the Prime Directive as you would the orders handed down by your Holy Starfleet Captains.

6. Thou shalt always keep your phasers on stun without a direct command from Captain James T. Kirk to do otherwise.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless you are vacationing on Risa, come from a Federation world that condones it, or come from a planet aligned with the Federation that condones it.

8. Thou shalt not conspire to aid the Borg or the Dominion or any other enemy of the United Federation of Planets; unless Captain Kathryn Janeway enlists you into a plot to foil strange, new aliens- more dangerous than those listed in these commandments.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor, friendly aliens, neutral aliens, or aliens from a pre-warp society.

10. Thou shalt not covet our photon torpedoes, our phaser banks, our Galaxy-class starships, or our warp drive capabilities.

It has been said. We are your Starfleet Command, the only Command, and these are your orders.

Monday, December 24, 2007

The Pope's Christmas Speech in Klingon

Even though we think it is a total waste of time to follow anyone who can't pilot a Constitution or Galaxy-class starship and wore a toga instead of the proud gold and red uniforms of commanding Starfleet officers, we thought we'd share the Pope's annual Christmas speech. Since the Catholic Church isn't considerate enough to keep all of the galaxy's children in mind when they preach their false prophesies, we offer Pope's words to you in Klingon. Now if your first language is Romulan or Vulcan and you feel left out- go here to get your own translation.

Ram maH Qoyta' latlh Duy Daq. je maH vo' vetlh le' ram Bethle'hem ram ghorgh puqloD vo' joH'a' mojta' loD ghaHta' bogh Daq je. Ghorgh puqloD vo' joH'a' mojta' loD ghaHta' bogh Daq a stabl.

Daq vam Sagh jaj Duy pa' maH loDpu' je be'pu' vo' wejDIch milli'nni Daq. Ghotpu vo' DaHjaj qo' ghobe' Daq chaw' ghaH 'el chaj chaj vengmey chaj tuqpu'. Daq Tera'! Daq milli'nni je Daq ghaHta' chenmoHta' Daq vo' je scie.

DaHjaj maH laH vo' vast 'ach loDpu' je be'pu' Daq maj te'chkologic vo' chaj ghaj je t'chnikhal Dung Daq je vo'. Vetlh ghaH qatlh 'oH ghaH vaj vaD maH Daq poSmoH maj je tIQDu' Daq vo' Khrist vam vo' toDtaHghach nuq laH nob chu' tul Daq yIn vo' Teran'.

Sum knI'cking Daq maj lojmIt ghaH maH je maj ghaH khalls maH Daq chay' maH je yIn maj. GhaH leghpu' awak vo' meq vo' s tera. Vo'. Daq Khrist'mas HoSghaj puq je aks vaD maj QaH je. Daj way vo' vetlh ghaH ghaH joH'a' maj way vo' taH teran.Wak Dung toH loD vaD lIj chIch joH'a' mojta' loD!

Hutlh wov vo' Khrist wov vo' meq ghaH ghobe' Daq teran je.

VaD vam meq mu'mey vo' Khrist'mas Gospl: wov vetlh Hoch loD ghaHta' choltaH Daq vam qo'. DaH latlh vo' salvat. 'oH ghaH neH Daq vo'. Mu' chenmoHta' ghab vetlh vo' tera ta'taH ghobe' tire vo' vam vo' tul Sum cha'DIch Vatican nuq loSmaH DISmey ago.

LoDpu' je be'pu' vo' DaHjaj Teran' ghoS vo' vIHHa' vaj. Daq yab je DichDaq chaw' puq vo' Bethle'hem tlhap SoH Sum ghop ta' ghobe' taHvIp lan lIj voq Daq ghaH. HoS vo' Daj wov ghaH vaD chu' qo' Daq je.

May Daj muSHa' Hoch ghotpu Daq tera' je chaj vo' taH qorDu' ja' Daq vo' voq je. Klingons DichDaq taH laH Daq law' vo': vo' vo' Daq Daq nuq vo' Teran ghotpu' yIn vo' vo' Daq je QIH nuq vo' maj Qo'nos.

JoH'a' 'Iv mojta' loD pa' vo' muSHa' vaD Teran Hoch chaH Daq Afrik'ha 'Iv vum vaD roj je vo' vaD vo' vIHHa' je vo' HochHom vo' chaH chaH Daq [Darfur] je Daq latlh vo' Afrik'ha. GhaH Dev ghotpu' vo' Latee Amerik'ha Daq yIn Daq roj je. GhaH Daq ghotpu vo' QaQ DichDaq Daq le' puH Daq Irakh Daq Lebanon nuqDaq vo' tul nuq 'oH ghobe'. Daq taH Sum vangta'ghachmey Sum je valtaHghach ghaH vo' Daq Qorean peninsulak je Daq vo' Aseyah vaj vetlh Sum vo' je "peeezzzful" laH taH Daq qa' vo' nuq chaj ghotpu'.

Daq Khrist'mas maH joH'a' chenmoHta' loD batlh bIng vo' puq Daq je Daq manger vo' Hoch Daq vo' neoQb. MaH vam maH vIt vetlh maH je muSHa' vetlh maj. Daq Bethlehem ram wa' vo' maH maj Hemey vo'. Chaw' maH tlhap ghop nuq ghaH pa' Daq Klingons:'oH ghaH ghop nuq Daq tlhap pagh vo' maH 'ach neH Daq.

Tlhej chaw' devwI maH 'el vo' Bethle'hem bIng muSHa'taH vo' Ma'ry tam vo' Daj. GhaH QaH maH Daq vo' Khrist'mas [may] ghaH ghojmoH maH chay' Daq Daq maj tIQDu' vo' joH'a' 'Iv vaD maj chIch mojta' loD je ghaH QaH maH Daq SIQ Daq maj qo' Daq Daj vIt Daj muSHa' je Daj "Peeezzz".


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

From the Desk of the First Church


Please forgive us here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets for the light posting.

We are currently gearing up for Robinmas Day, a time when everybody but retail store check out clerks celebrate Dick Grayson's ascendancy to Batman's side as Robin.

So please, everyone, have a Merry Robinmas Day. We'll see you soon.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Living a Life Worthy of the Batman

Today, I hit the streets with a copy of the Batman Chronicles in my hand. I was shouting toward the passers-by trying to share the good word of the Bat only to get funny looks and expressions of intense anger. People thought I was crazy, but we all understand that those of us who follow the rules- laid out for us by the Justice League of America- are bound to endure some scorn in this Marvel-ridden land that does everything but outright sacrifice lambs at the Legion of Doom's alter.

Well, friends, I'm going to ask you the same question that I asked those gawking Incredible Hulk fans on the streets today:

If you were to die tonight where do you think you would be tomorrow? Would you join Batman, Batgirl, and Robin in the Hall of Justice? Or would you be getting sprayed in the face with one of the Joker's deadly and poisonous flower lapels behind the walls of Arkham Asylum? If Batman came crashing through the roof of your house tonight, would He protect you from Mr. Freeze? Or would He drag you off by your hair into the night to face your worst fears?

Folks, we have a choice. We have a choice between following the righteous ways of the JLA and the JSA or following those who seek to steal jewelry and precious museum artifacts and essentially destroy our way of life. People who choose not to believe in the Catwoman will fall prey to her claws. It's simple logic, people.

Will the Penguin have to shove one of his umbrellas up your ass before you can realize the dangers that exist right here in our world? Will Two-Face have to decide your fate by flipping a coin over your broken body before you understand that Daredevil and the X-Men aren't coming? I hope not.

Give up your sinister ways and become worthy of the Holy Trinity (Batman, Robin, and Batgirl) before it is too late.


Monday, December 10, 2007

Stop Illegal Immigration (from the Gamma Quadrant)

What's wrong with these two pictures?

Well, I'll give you a hint. Building a fence around the Arizona and Texas borders or the city of San Diego ain't gonna do a goddamn thing to stop Dominion infiltrators from the Gamma Quadrant.

When shape-shifters and other aliens from the other side of the Bajoran wormhole come here to this planet and start stealing our jobs, the human race has got some serious fuckin' problems. So instead of beefing up national borders, we need to start building up our forces along galactic borders. Security starts at home and home starts on the edge of what we all know as the Alpha Quadrant. Wake up, people!

You think people singing the national anthem in Spanish is bad, just wait 'til we're all forced to stand and sing "All Hail the Founders" in Dominionese.

Hat Tip to Chris James from The Sour Apple Tree for alerting everyone to this negligence on behalf of the next election's show ponies.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Putting Superman Back in Our Schools

People seem to think that the 1st Amendment to the Constitution prohibits us from teaching religious values to the children in our public schools. I mean no questions the fact that Superman is the Man of Steel, yet children would never be allowed to spend at least one entire school year pondering on what this means and why it is so important to everything that takes place in this world.

Well, here is what the 1st Amendment says:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

I don't know about you, but I see nothing here that says we can't force children to kneel down every morning and pray to Superman- at gunpoint if necessary. "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion". No, there is nothing here that says we can't take ten year-olds on top of a twenty story building and teach them to fly to the next one using a batcape that converts into a batglider. If they get hurt, well, it just means that they didn't have enough faith in the Justice League of America.

The 1st amendment says nothing about prohibiting Batman and Robin panoramas on public property for Robinmas Day. It says nothing about enacting laws that would require each and every citizen to read at least one DC comic book a day. There is no clause in that amendment which says we can't require people to swear oaths on the Batman Chronicles before they testify in court.

So what is the problem? Why can't we bring ourselves to admit that this nation was founded upon DC principles by people who practiced morals handed to down to us by the Martian Manhunter and JLA?

The answer is that the Legion of Doom has hijacked this country and used the influence of secular humanism as well as people who will always choose convenience over faith to advance their sinister agenda.

The sooner we all realize this the better off we will be.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

The War on Robinmas Day Continues

The other day I got thrown out of the county courthouse for demanding that the local officials set a panorama up on public property celebrating the day that Dick Grayson joined Batman's fight against crime as Robin. Needless to say my request was denied.

Later that same day, I was tossed out of a retail store for grabbing a cashier by his collar and demanding that he wish me a Merry Robinmas Day- instead of this secular Happy Holidays bullshit. Apparently, it's perfectly acceptable for Marvelites to tell their story in the month of December by advertising Spiderman 3 and Fantastic Four DVDs, but demanding that everyone be forced to kneel down before Batman and Robin in prayer isn't. What kind of a world are we living in, people?!

I mean I can't understand this. What would it hurt even for people who don't believe in Batman to take just a few minutes out of one day and listen to His teachings? Why can't children sing His praises in public schools anymore?

If we allow this to go too far, Batman and Robin will end up being taken out of graduation ceremonies. People won't be able to take Robinmas Day off work and it won't even be safe to follow the teachings of the Dynamic Duo in our own private homes. This is a slippery slope of the gravest proportions and the only ones who will come out on top are the Joker and Mr. Freeze.

It's got to stop somewhere. We must let America know that we will win this war that they have declared on Robinmas Day.

'Tis the Season

It's that time of the year again.

You can feel it in the air. The leaves are gone from the trees, snow is falling from the sky, fireplaces are burning, and families gather round to share the warmth of the season. This December the 25th, the world will celebrate the day when Dick Grayson took his rightful place at Batman's side as his Partner.

But you'd never know it in this country full of infidels and nihilists. No rows upon rows of Batman and Robin toys. No cashiers wishing us all a Merry Robin Day. No songs praising the Bat in our department stores. TV stations are too busy showing Stargate Atlantis to give the Boy Wonder praise by running Batman reruns all day and on every channel. All those of us who are holy and understand the Truth get is a half an hour on Saturdays to know all the wondrous ways of the Dynamic Duo.

If all this isn't bad enough, Payless Shoes is advertising these slippers which ought to keep people's feet nice and warm while their basking in the glow of the fires inside the walls of Arkham Asylum. I mean how can anyone believe that some kid who got bit by spider is going to save humanity from the evil that is about to befall us. If DC Comics has tried to teach us anything, it's that the only way you can scale tall buildings is with a batrope and a batgrappler.

But this is what we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets have come to expect from a media and a society that practically runs Iron Man's fan club.

If we continue to turn our backs on the morals of Batman and Robin, we will continue to decay like so many immoral empires before us. It's high time we take this country back for those of us who understand that it was founded upon DC Comic principles by DC Comic Book believers. Just touch a copy of the Batman Chronicles and you too will know divinity.


Sunday, December 2, 2007

Fatwa #7: On Sudan

Fatwa #7:

You are hereby forbidden to visit the nation of Sudan, unless you're planning to briefly stop by and urinate on one of their governmental or religious institutions.

A British teacher in Sudan was found guilty of offending that "prophet" named Muhammad by having her students name a teddy bear after him. It's our guess that the truth is too harsh for these clerics since a person is better off running to a teddy bear for protection against an all out Legion of Doom assault then they are counting on some crazy man who thinks he found Truth in a cave.

Well friends, we know that there is only one cave that contains the Truth and it is called the Batcave and Muhammad ain't never been there, I assure you. Otherwise, he might have joined the Justice League of America instead of leading a band of shepherds to raid the capital of Saudi Arabia, only to start making women cover every part of their body in some sort of self-imposed shame.

This teacher was tried and sentenced. According to BBC News:

Gillian Gibbons, 54, from Liverpool, has been sentenced to 15 days in prison and will then be deported.

She escaped conviction for inciting hatred and showing contempt for religious beliefs, and will now appeal.

Fortunately for Ms. Gibbons, she escaped the forty lashes she was originally facing. The penalties for this were so harsh you'd almost think she was guilty of leading a genocide brigade against the nation's Darfur region- clearly a crime much much lighter than naming some fucking teddy bear after a man who couldn't even shoot laser beams out of his eyeballs.

We find this kind of blasphemy and heresy downright offensive. The DC Comictician encourages all children to play with toys named after Batman, the redoubtable Elongated Man, and all of our other protectors from the JLA and Justice Society. This is just one of many ways that kids can prepare for the coming day of the Legion of Doom. It makes perfect sense.

Plus, our Superheroes are real Superheroes and they do not concern themselves with all these whimsical little details like other religions do- possibly because they know that their prophets, gods, imams, and apostles would crumble like paper towels at the mere glance of someone like Brainiac.

It has been said. All Praise Be to Plastic Man. And we thank the JLA for their ongoing transmissions to the faithful through the Elders.

And a Hat Tip to JDB from Infinity Ranch for alerting the Elders to this outrage.