Confession Weekend

All this weekend, the Elders and I are giving you all a chance to confess your sinisters.

There's a pretty good chance that most of you are going to Arkham Asylum anyway. However, confession has always been a means of increasing you chances of getting into the Hall of Justice so we are giving you this opportunity to confess to the Justice League and Starfleet Command. We will determine if how bad your sinisters are and if you have any chance for redemption.

So if you've disobeyed any of our commands or ignored our Fatwas we have issued, now's your chance to get it off your chest. If you thought about robbing a bank with the Riddler, if you looked at Marvel Comics when you should have been studying the Batman's wisdom, if you allowed your children to carry Spiderman lunchboxes to school or let them watch Anime or Stargate Atlantis when they should have been in front of the TV studying one of the Five Pillars of Star Trek, if you smoked the Legion of Doom's weed called marijuana or voted for a candidate who doesn't support the right of the protouniverse to survive in the intergalactic womb, now is your chance to confess.

Remember folks, the day is coming. The day when the Vulcans land in Montana and save us all from ourselves. Wouldn't you prefer greeting these logical aliens with a clean slate rather than being sent in an unarmed shuttlecraft to go join the Borg Collective?

The choice is yours, please confess by leaving a comment and let us know whether there is anything we can do for your soul.

Doomsday Prediction?

It's bad enough that people have been talking about Apokolips- meaning that an invasion of Darkseid and Granny Goodness may be inevitable. Now, the GOP is warning of Doomsday if Obama's budget is passed.

Just look at what Wikipedia has to say about this dangerous and wicked supervillain:

In his first encounter with the Justice League, shortly after breaking free from underground, Doomsday defeated the entire team of superheroes in a matter of minutes, which in turn attracted the attention of Superman. Most notable is the fact that the creature fought the entire time with literally one hand tied behind his back, yet was still able to lay waste to all opposition and much of the surrounding area. The only Justice Leaguer who could even defend herself against Doomsday was Maxima. Also at that time, his naming occurred when League member Booster Gold stated how the rampage resembled "the arrival of Doomsday". The comment subsequently reached the broadcast media and thereafter led to the creature's accepted name.

During his rampage, Doomsday took interest in billboards and television spots advertising violent wrestling competitions held in Metropolis, which appealed to his bloodlust and thus enticed the otherwise mindless creature to head towards the city. By counterattacking, Superman quickly found that his opponent's awesome power was a match for his own, and so he realized that if Doomsday actually reached Metropolis, the resulting battle could conceivably destroy the city and kill millions of innocent people. Simultaneously, Doomsday developed a strong desire to murder Superman in particular.

This is serious, folks. And only the Republicans seem to understand it:

"Republicans say Obama's budget is no laughing matter.

"Senate Republicans warned of deficits that could climb to $20 trillion in coming years and a weakened dollar if Obama and his Democratic allies get their proposed $3.6 trillion budget plan passed."

No laughing matter indeed. If Obama's budget gets passed and it causes the hideous creature known as Doomsday to be freed from his prison in the center of the earth, we could all face grave and imminent disaster and destruction.

Good thing the GOP is on top of this disturbing new development. Otherwise Doomsday could launch an all out invasion on the U.S. and destroy each and every one of us in his eternal quest to get even with Superman. The stakes have never been higher.

One Nation Under The Green Lantern's Light

In brightest day,
In blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight.

Let those who worship,
Evil's might,
Beware my power,
the Green Lantern's light.

These are the words each and every American should be saying before school, before work, before every government and board meeting begins. Anyone who refuses to swear allegiance and support the troops from the Green Lantern Corps is obviously a Legion of Doom operative and needs to be chained to a crate and shipped somewhere overseas along with the hundreds of thousands of our jobs. This is just common wisdom, people.

But recently we heard that the nihilists and their activist judges want to remove Green Lantern's name from this important pledge we all hold dear. They claim it is offensive to those who foolishly believe that the Justice League doesn't exist and that They aren't up in the Watchtower keeping us safe from Lex Luthor's wicked schemes and Sinestro's evil plans for Sector 2814. These activists also claim that it is offensive to those who believe in the Incredible Hulk or the false prophesies of Anime to give time honored homage to the Green Lantern Corps even though everyone agrees this country was founded by people who feared the wrath of the Batman.

But there is hope. We think it's time to recruit former House Speaker Newt Gingrich to join the fight in keeping the Green Lantern's name in the Green Lantern Oath.

According to the US News and World Report, Gingrich has gone on record saying:

I think it's that the overtness of the assault on religious liberty has risen dramatically. It was the 9th Circuit Court's decision [in 2002] that was the last straw. [The decision found that recitation of the pledge of allegiance in public schools was unconstitutional because its "under God" clause violates the First Amendment's ban on government-established religion.] And I said, "It's time to challenge head-on secular domination in the West.'"

Praise Hawkgirl. We welcome such a challenge. You know, years ago we wanted to shoot people in the head at point blank range with a phaser pistol set on stun for daring to claim that Barbara Gordon wasn't the true Batgirl. The secularists actually had the gall to claim it was a violation of people's 8th amendment rights. That's just how far they'll go to oppress our beliefs and deny us our right to worship freely. Now they want to remove the Green Lantern from the Oath?!

But we're confident that a man of the people like Newt Gingrich will stand up for our right to force everyone to acknowledge the sacrifices the Green Lantern Corps has made for us. If he'll go to bat for some old bearded man from a place called "Heaven" who was passed over when Abin Sur's green power ring was searching for new Green Lanterns, we're sure he'll also speak up for Hal Jordon, John Stewart, Guy Garner, and Kyle Rainer.

The time to take back our country is at hand so we can get back to the basics handed down to us through the teachings of the Green Lantern, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, the Black Canary, and all of our Heroes in the JLA.

Abstinence is the Only Safe Sex

Good evening, friends.

Today I'd like to discuss something that is as dangerous to our way of life as drugs, heavy metal, and rap music: premarital sex. We really need to discuss this serious crisis that threatens to destroy everything that we, as a nation, hold to be True in the universe. Nothing could be more serious.

You see, prior to 1968 there were no teenagers having sex. In fact, it was last thing on anyone's mind. Afterall, it's not like human beings are animals with an instinct for procreation or anything. Then in blew the secular humanists and liberal activist judges who removed Captain James T. Kirk from the walls of our schools and Batman from the public curriculum. Next thing you know, kids everywhere were copulating and having sex as if they lived on Risa.

Well, we know for a fact that when Captain Kirk traveled the stars, abstinence was one of His primary objectives. Restraint from physical pleasure was as sacred to Him as the Prime Directive itself. The Five Pillars of Star Trek are very clear about this and the need to wait until marriage before having sex.

We also know that Clark Kent waited until he met the right woman, Lois Lane, and married her before he indulged in any sort of sexual activity. Now, think about Superman for moment. The only STDs that could damage Him would have had to contained Kryptonite or some shit in it. If this form of birth control and protection was good enough for the Man of Steel than its good enough for you. Besides, imagine what would have happened had Superman not waited until He met Lois Lane before having sex. He might have hooked up with Pamela Isley (aka Poison Ivy) and the two of them might have created some kind of hybrid weed made of steel that grows all around your house and threatens to eat your children every morning before they walk down to the bus stop.

I hope we're making our point clear.

But if we aren't then try this. If you live a life of promiscuity and choose to have sex with more than one partner, upon death the Martian Manhunter will find that you are suffering from nymphomania- a disease which requires eternal treatment that can only be administered by the doctors at Arkham Asylum. Now ask yourselves, is an immoral five second orgasm really worth spending eternity being tortured by Harley Quinn and the Joker?

This church is currently preparing a package to promote abstinence as the only form of safe sex available in Sector 001. We plan to touch on the finer points mentioned in this sermon and we hope that teachers everywhere will use it in the classroom and if they don't, well, hopefully we can get it mandated by law.

If you would like to contribute your tax dollars or anything else to this fund, make your checks out to: The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. Remember, the more zeros you put behind the whole number on that check, the better your chances are of getting into the Hall of Justice.

And as always, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Tags:
Abstinence, Public Funding, Safe Sex, Teen Sex, Religion and Sex

Happy Green Arrow Day

Today I was out on my daily routine; out in the streets- waving the Batman Chronicles in people's faces and frightening small children with stories about the horrors of Arkham Asylum and how all their friends and family members were more than likely going to end up there.

Just before the police arrived, I couldn't help but notice that everyone was wearing green. I began wondering what legendary figure could possibly be honored on such a day. Then I realized the obvious. People everywhere must be celebrating the Green Arrow in all of His glory.

This realization warmed my heart as I was taken on yet another cruise towards the county courthouse.

In this age of Joker worship and Legion of Doom conspiracies, it's nice to know that people still find time to honor Green Arrow and all of the wonderful blessings He hath bestowed upon humanity.

More Drug Testing for West Virginians and It's About Damn Time

Everybody knows that the state of West Virginia has been a Legion of Doom hotbed of crime for some time now. The Black Manta, Lex Luthor, Star Sapphire, and Gorilla Grodd all spend alot of time in this state convincing the children that's it's OK to disobey their parents and assist in diamond heists.

But we have had a real stroke of luck in Delegate Craig Blair. It's as though Captain Picard, Himself, heard our cries for vengeance and beamed this problem solving wizard straight into our capitol.

Blair has finally gotten a bill out of committee that would require people receiving unemployment and food stamps to undergo random drug tests. This is a splendid idea especially when you consider how many lives are lost to that dangerous drug called marijuana every single day.

And it makes sense. People who are drawing unemployment didn't lose their jobs because of a bad economy or anything. They were laid off because they didn't place enough faith in the Justice League and Starfleet Command. Hopefully this new legislation will pass and discourage the unworthy from filing for unemployment and food stamps. We need that money so we can continue to bailout banks and large corporate moguls who have worked hard for their yachts and two million dollar bonuses.

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets would like to challenge this no nonsense representative from Martinsburg to take his plan one step further and call for blood screenings on all working class people seeking assistance. That way West Virginians can sleep sound every night knowing that there aren't any changelings or shape-shifters receiving our tax dollars. It's bad enough these illegal aliens from the Gamma Quadrant come here to steal our jobs because everyone knows there's no way a solid can compete with a shape-shifter in today's job market. The least we can do is stop them from getting our tax dollars after the boss catches them transforming into a coffee table or a couch.

We're going to introduce this bill to Delegate Blair and suggest that the penalties for being a shape-shifter on welfare be harsh. After the first blood screening shows a person is a changeling, ban that person from each program for three months. If they come back and test positive for shape-shifting abilities again, ban them permanently. This is just a common sense approach and a simple procedure for dealing with the growing shape-shifter problem.

We're confident given Craig Blair's record that he will uphold family values and decent morals by demanding all welfare recipients undergo blood screenings so that we can keep the changelings from getting their hands on our tax dollars. If we could just get about twenty more people like Craig Blair elected to our state legislature we could stop wasting money on stupid things like feeding hungry children and start using that money for something more productive like investing in nanotechnology that would make West Virginians the first people to be immune to assimilation when the foretold Borg invasion engulfs the planet.