Return from the Other Side

It has been a little over a year since a beam out accident at one of our houses of worship caused my disappearance. And upon my return what do I see? The world- still a cesspool filled with evil, blasphemy, sinisters, Marvel Comics, and a fall TV lineup that doesn't bother to include any new revelations from the Five Pillars of Star Trek.

But, friends, I didn't just come back here to tell you how you're all doomed and probably headed straight for Arkham Asylum. No. There are a few events which have forced me to return and point my finger at everything which is wrong and unrighteous. You see unlike Fox News, we report and we decide. And unless you fathom the thought of having your arms and legs ripped off to be replaced with Borg technology you best fall in line.

Afterall, we have the 2010 elections coming up. Everyone knows that President Barack Obama has destroyed everything of value within two years and singlehandedly torn down the entire American economy. But instead of trying to right all these wrongs people have chosen to nominate people like Christine O'Donnell who foolishly believe all our problems can be solved by this guy named God who has no heat ray vision and his long haired son who has never logged in any time as a starship commander. She may be on target about masturbation being one of the most serious problems we're facing today, but she has admitted being involved with witchcraft which means her morals are probably closer to those of Silver Banshee rather than the Truth which can only be found within the Word of Superman.

Let us turn to the Batman Chronicles, Volume 1 Chapter 36 Frame 25:

An electrical engineer disappears... an unusual fog covers the city.... the first names on the little book's list are robbed and a dying man utters the sinister name of Professor Hugo Strange.

You see. I think it's obvious the Caped Crusader is trying to tell us that we cannot repeal those tax cuts on the rich without turning our public schools into a hotbed for Legion of Doom activity.

Hawkgirl is always watching you and She knows what you're doing. Be very careful about what you do in these upcoming days. We'll be here every Wednesday night and Sunday morning until courthouses start getting serious about fighting crime again by putting up the Batsignal above all public buildings.

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo: ? to September 16, 2009

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo has passed from Sector 001 and was beamed aboard the Enterprise E to be with his Starfleet Captain Jean Luc Picard earlier this morning.

The Reverend D. was born to a thick fog and his father remained unknown. He devoted his life to bringing the word of the Justice League and Starfleet Command to the masses and was ardent supporter of putting Batman and Captain James T. Kirk back in the classroom. Drinkmo was the head of a faith known as the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets.

Elvis D. lead a life of strict piety and devoted his every moment to warning people about the Marvel biased media and spreading the good news of Batgirl (except when he was caught partying down with Emma Frost and Elektra, doing lines of ketracel white and watching Stargate Atlantis- for which the Reverend had repented publicly on several occasions).

Before he left us, he wanted his followers to continue his struggle to stop raising taxes on America's most wealthy people to spend on foolish things like food for children and universal healthcare. As he took his final breaths, he warned people of the evils of Borg Collectivism and the rising influence the Black Manta and the Legion of Doom have been exercising on the nation through their best friend in the white house.

He is survived by two half-brothers: The Mothman of Point Pleasant, WVa, Pumpkinhead of Clay, WVa, cousins Batboy of Pittsburgh, PA and the Crypt Keeper of some unknown planet of the Alpha Quadrant. He was preceded in death by his uncle, The Creature From the Black Lagoon, whose extremist, right-wing political views influenced many of his beliefs.

The Intergalactic Board of Elders will hold a service on Risa at 10:00 AM September 30th at the Lieutenant Commander Worf Sanctuary representing the First Deacons for Hawkgirl.

Update:

The Elders have contacted the Guardians of Oa who spoke with Elvis Drinkmo through an multidimensional communication device and he has granted you all permission to visit this commie's blog:

F**ked Up World

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of United Federation of Planets Speaks

Good Evening Friends,

I know it's been some time since our last sermon. Certain events have kept us away such as the varying interpretations of the latest book of Star Trek.

Millions people have flocked to our church halls and asked me and the Intergalactic Board of Elders the same question, "Reverend of Highest Truthes and Elders of All Eternal Knowledges, what does the complete destruction of Vulcan mean to our faith? Does this mean that the Vulcans aren't going to rescue us after we launch a great nuclear holocaust to wipe out all the infidels and Stargate Atlantis fans?"

Our answer remains the same and we speak with one voice channeled through Lieutenant Uhura in the Almighty Name of Starfleet. The Prophet JJ Abrams isn't teaching about the annihilation of Vulcan, he's teaching us about the annihilation of common decency here in the United States. Take the healthcare debate for example. Instead of being quiet about being sick and just
curling up in the corner to die, people want the Borg Collective to get a solid foothold in the Alpha Quadrant by passing some sort of universal healthcare bill. Few people are aware that the President and his Borg sympathizing allies in congress want to set up what we call "assimilation panels" to decide whether people are too sick to heal and those people deemed unhealthy will be traded off to the Borg in exchange for technology. People who think we're being paranoid about this devastating new threat will think twice when their wheelchairs are traded in for an alcove and a robotic eyepiece.

So friends, the time for vigilance is now. If the Borg is allowed to rule this country through the White House, there won't be any Captain Kirk at all. Just a planet full of automatons, who put un-American ideals like equality and civil liberties above safety, morals, and the right to hoard more money than you'll ever need in five lifetimes.

So saith Our Holy Starfleet Captains.

What Really Fuels the Violence

Rush Limbaugh recently blamed the American left for the violence at the Holocaust Museum.

"Very predictably, ladies and gentlemen, the media, the American left is trying to score some political points as a result of this tragedy at the Holocaust Museum in Washington yesterday, and as predictable, they are trying to blame this on me, other conservatives and right-wingers. It's the traditional approach taken by the American left. The facts of the case, however, are such that if we want start assigning blame for this beyond this nutcase Jew hater, and notice that very few people actually want to do that. They want to claim this guy didn't have the ability to act on his own. He only could act if he was inspired by somebody. Well, who did he hate? He hated both Bushes. He hated neocons. He hated John McCain. He hated Republicans. He hated Jews as well. He believes in an inside job conspiracy of 9/11. This guy is a leftist, if anything. This guy's beliefs, this guy's hate stems from influence that you find on the left, not on the right."

Paul Krugman disagrees and says it's the fault of the American right.

"But with the murder of Dr. George Tiller by an anti-abortion fanatic, closely followed by a shooting by a white supremacist at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, the analysis looks prescient. There is, however, one important thing that the D.H.S. report didn’t say: Today, as in the early years of the Clinton administration but to an even greater extent, right-wing extremism is being systematically fed by the conservative media and political establishment."

But we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician understand what drives these wanton acts of violence. And no, it isn't that some people are mentally disturbed, unbalanced and have distorted views that come mostly from within their own minds. We know that these displays of horrendous violence are caused solely by the publication of Marvel Comics.

Think about it. You've got the Incredible Hulk who turns all green and explodes out his clothes wreaking havoc on everybody. The Punisher goes on rampages blowing up everything in sight. No one ever seems to know if Ghost Rider is possessed by some evil spirit or if he's a real superhero. Spiderman's got that evil alter ego named Venom and how's anyone to know which is which?

It's no wonder that perfectly sane people pick up a copies of these comic books and go out on a shooting a rampage. If they had stuck with Superman and the Green Lantern, they would undoubtedly be productive citizens doing harmless things like running major corporations, getting kickbacks and bonuses based on the number of people they layoff and families they toss out into the streets.

It's simple logic. If more people stuck with DC Comics instead of delving into the abyss as presented by Marvel, our society would be completely free from all insanity and all forms of random violent crimes.

Borg Collectivism Seems Neverending

Everybody knows that unfettered and reckless capitalism is the only economic system ordained by the Justice League. It's the only economic system that works and the proof lies with the booming, robust economy we're experiencing here in the U.S. today.

Yet Americans were content to send a Legion of Doom sympathizer to the White House this past November. The fact that Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama sat in church beside the Black Manta while they all plotted the overthrow of the blond-haired, blue-eyed Aquaman and sought to destroy the underwater city of Atlantis never deterred the voters. So this is what we get: regulation on the credit card industry.

I've been listening to AM radio lately and agree with such brilliant investigators as Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck. Americans are outraged at the thought of a credit card company not being allowed to jack up interest rates on them when they aren't looking. It's been a fun surprise when you open your your mail every month, trying to guess whether your rate is going to be 12% or a more reasonable 28%. It's alot more exciting than those boring old traditional banks who are confined to a mere 2% increase over a limited period of
And Americans love the idea of paying hidden fees for being one day late with their minimum payment. It's like you're Dale Earnhart Jr. at Pocono- racing to get those payments in because you received the bill on Monday and it happens to be due by Friday. Exciting. The majority of Americans also feel "over-the-limit" and "pay-by-phone" fees are like contributions to one of the most important issues facing us today: making sure that all American CEO's can afford to buy eight more homes since six isn't never is enough and each one of those needs a swimming pool and a fully staffed cleaning service. If these goals aren't achieved, America fails; we all fail.

So now the Borg Collectivists have taken all that joy away from us making sure that credit card card companies have some sort of standard by which to operate. It's an outrage and everyone should be mad as hell.

I'm sure folks like Hannity and Beck as well as Rush Limbaugh would agree that this is one of the many first steps toward people being lined up outside Borg labor camps and having a their eyeballs, legs, and arms removed and replaced with cybernetic technology from the Delta Quadrant. I'd go on TV and cry like a baby if they'd let me. Because I love my country and it hurts me deeply to see the Borg and the Legion of Doom take away all that we've worked for by making this country free and prosperous for about 1% of the population.

A Run for the Presidency?

It's been a busy time for the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation Planets.

First, we organized a worldwide effort encouraging everyone to pray to the Flash so that He might stop the Weather Wizard from dropping anymore rain on West Virginia. As you know, flooding isn't caused by runoff from strip mining, tearing down trees, or placing Walmarts and shopping malls and huge parking lots within ten to fifteen miles of each other. No. Heavy rain and flooding is caused by the either the Legion of Doom or the Rouge's Gallery and it is allowed to happen when a nation fails to follow the Justice League's plan laid out for us in DC Comics. Well, our prayers were answered and the Flash did stop the Weather Wizard. So thanks to the First Church, we can now enjoy sunny days until our next crisis of faith.

Second, we're preparing once again for an attempt at launching a youth Batman Camp. This would be a wonderful place to brainwash the children and get them to understand that there are two horrible things in this world: abortion and Marvel Comics. Unfortunately, we're running into some legal problems once again because our lawyers tell that our insurance policy won't cover accidents that involve climbing twelve story buildings with the use of a batgrapple and rope. But we're still working on it.

Third, we have launched an exploratory committee into a possible run for the presidency in 2012. My platform would be very simple: eliminate taxes on everyone who makes more than $100,000 a year, drug test and blood screen everyone who relies on a public service (like roads, bridges, police protection, and other handouts), cap credit card interest at a reasonable 45%, make prayer in school not just legal- but mandatory, and launch nuclear weapons in any given direction so that we can show the world who's boss and bring the Vulcans to earth a little sooner at the same time.

So we have a few ideas for a running mate: Newt Gingrich, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, or possibly Sean Hannity.

We will be praying to the Martian Manhunter for guidance in these upcoming months.