Time for DC Jihad

This church tolerates a lot blasphemy, immorality, heathenism, and general incivility from a nation full of journalists that would walk right past the Atom and ask Thor what he thinks about John McCain's big win in New Hampshire.

We tolerate the fact that Hollywood is totally run by Marvel ideals and Legion of Doom sympathizers. We accept our role as a persecuted people under a government so hostile to DC Comics that none of the candidates running for president could be bothered to take sides in the Green Lanterns' latest war against Sinestro and his minions.

But now we have people claiming that Kal-El aka Superman has been taking steroids. Have you people no shame? Have you people no decency? How can you dare commit such heresy against the Son of Krypton, who was sent here to save us from our sinisters.

I mean we're talking about Superman here and not some flash in the pan baseball player who beefed up his arms so he could throw a freakin' ball a little faster. (Instead of looking at Superman as if he were some kind of mortal in need of some strength enhancing drug, people need to looking into the possibility of Lex Luthor and the Joker pushing these steroids on America's favorite pastime in order to throw the games in their favor.)

If this were Wolverine or the Punisher being accused of taking strength enhancing drugs, there'd be lawsuits and protests and you name it. But in this multi-comic book society where almost anything goes, it's perfectly OK to put down the true Man of Steel.

Well folks, we have our limits and this outrage against everything that is True just plain simply calls for a DC Jihad*. The infidels must not be allowed to desecrate the Hero who has given so much of Himself that He even died defending us from Doomsday.

We're only going to say this once: Superman draws His powers from the Earth's yellow sun and has no need for some stupid shit like steroids.

So beware infidels, we're on to you.

*Disclaimer: DC Jihad is not actually meant to be interpreted as a war to be waged against other people. It's the war we wage within ourselves to battle our own inner super-villains and become more righteous in the eyes of the JLA.


Tags:
Superman, Steroids, Baseball, Jihad, Infidel Nation

Fatwa #8: On Joel Schumacher

Fatwa 8:

The Elders hereby demand the arrest and detention of movie producer, Joel Schumacher, based on the following crimes of blasphemy against this church and Batman, himself:

1) Using the movie Batman Forever to promote a false doctrine which claims that Harvey "Two-Face" Dent killed Robin's parents.

2) Producing the movie Batman and Robin- a crime in and of itself. But this work of blasphemy is also guilty of:

- allowing Arnold Schwarzenegger to be cast as Mr. Freeze.

- allowing Alicia Silverstone to play the role of Batgirl.

- committing heresy against Batgirl by not mentioning that Barbara Gordon is the daughter of police commissioner Gordon. Also her hair is red, not blond- that alone should have burned the eyeballs out of the heads of mere mortals watching this "movie".

3) Lastly, for showing an overall blatant display of disrespect for the Holy DC Scriptures by daring to speak untruths about Our Heroes.

For these crimes, Schumacher must be brought before this church for trial and sentence. His Legion of Doom sympathizer allies in Hollywood can't protect him forever.

(Note to Tim Burton, the only reason you're escaping these same charges is because of Jack Nicholson's stellar performance as the Joker. And well, Mars Attacks was pretty cool.)


Update:

The Elders have adjourned and the decision has been rendered to add two new charges to Schumacher's crimes against the only true religion:

- Batgirl was cast with a little mask rather than the full cowl with bat ears that scriptures prove she wore.

- he neglected to recast Billy Dee Williams in the role of Harvey Dent. Even though the first Batman was filled with heresy and blasphemy- two blasphemies don't make a truth.

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets would like to thank Ananke and Chris James for helping to add a few more eternities on Joel Schumacher's imposed sentence of lockdown within the walls of Arkham Asylum.

Tags:
Joel Schumacher, Batman and Robin, Tim Burton, Heresy

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 1

People probably think we hate Christianity, Islam, Judaism, etc.. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. Just because the names of these people are on Arkham Asylum's waiting list, doesn't mean that we should discriminate against them or treat these folks any differently than we would the truly righteous people who understand the wonders of Batman and honor the sacrifices Captain James T. Kirk made for Sector 001, daily.

In fact, the stories from that comic book people call the Bible are pretty entertaining. Worth worshiping, though? Nah, you're better off following the Incredible Hulk- which isn't saying a lot. In fact, the only problem we do have with the Holy Bible is that it doesn't contain any pictures. I mean how is a person supposed to comprehend the strength of King David if they can't look at drawings of him kicking Philistine ass- frame by frame. It makes no sense.

Sure, they've made comic books to go with the big comic book- but the big book, itself, is filled with nothing more than "thou"s, "shalts", "not"s and "beget"s. There's no pictures of Jesus smashing Satan in the jaw; no pictures of God throwing rocks at people for following the orders of Baal or whatever. And how are we supposed to know if John wore a mask when he became The Baptist? Did these "heroes" wear capes? These are important facts that no religious text should omit.

But I guess that's life in the Alpha Quadrant.

The same goes for the Quran, the Torah, the Tao Te Ching, the Upanisads. No pictures, just text. All the pictures I seen of Mohammad show his face whited out. Does this mean he had face disguising spray paint like the Question? Followers really need to know this shit.

Now, up in Moundsville, the Hare Krishnas from that temple sell comic books with pictures. But we all know that Power Girl would have kicked the shit clean out of Krishna, so that pretty much cancels that one out. The guy didn't even wear a utility belt- I mean come on.

So we are going to launch a new series designed to show all the unworthy; the heathens and the infidels, why they should give up their religion and subscribe to ours. Without the Martian Manhunter, there can be no peace and we're willing to bash people in the head to prove our commitment to non-violence. But it won't come that. Once you've seen the Truth, we're certain that you'll convert without the need for us to put you to the sword or tie you to a stake and light a fire beneath your feet.

The Truth which comes from DC Comics and Star Trek are there for all to see. You only have to open your eyes and see it.

Tags:
DC Comics, Star Trek, Power Girl, Truth

The War Has Ended

While the media is busy covering the battle of the Iowa caucus, we thought we'd let you know that the Green Lantern Corps has won the battle over the Sinestro Corps. Balance had been restored to the universe, but you'd never know it if you were to turn on CNN.

I suppose if Spiderman or the Fanatastic Four were on the scene the media would be all over this breaking news. Where these Marvel heroes were during this fight to save the galaxy is anyone's guess- probably in out in Iowa holding up signs for Hillary.

Yes, friends, Sinestro and minions have been defeated.

And they did it all without the help of Mike Huckabee, Barrack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Mitt Romney, NBC News, or that so-called superhero called the Messiah, aka Jesus Christ.

For John Stewart saith unto Guy Garner, I guess the good guys won. And Hal Jordon proclaimed unto the masses, One more thing, Sinestro, you're under arrest.

Green Lantern 25: 175-177

So shall glory reign upon the cosmos and let us all bow our heads in honor of Sector 2814's Green Lanterns. We shall give praise to their almighty names.


Tags:
Green Lantern, Sinestro, Iowa Caucus

The Best Diplomat

Your Star Trekiology quote of the week:

While discussing the art of diplomacy in dealing with hostile aliens, our Holy Engineer, Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott tells Dr. McCoy,


"Well, the best diplomat I know is a fully charged phaser bank."

-Star Trek 1:23

Tags:
Mr. Scott, Dr. McCoy, Diplomacy

The Eternal Souls

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of United Federation of Planets spend a lot of time telling you who is going to go to Arkham Asylum when they die and who will be joining the Borg Collective for an afterlife party full of pain, torment, and zombie-like obedience. Afterall, these numbers include about 99.9% of our government and an even higher percentage of Hollywood actors. In fact, it's safe to say that 9 out of every 10 people reading this will not reach the Hall of Justice in the next life or become commissioned officers in Starfleet.

But we would like to start the New Year off by telling you about some of the people who may, in fact, have the Justice League of America smiling down upon them from the Almighty Watchtower. We must remember that even Batman is a merciful hero who will take pity on us; unless we happen take up sides with the Penguin.

Bloggers from West Virginia deserve a special note. Ever since the Black Manta sailed his submarine into the Kanawha River and convinced Governor Joe Manchin to hang "Open for Business" signs all over the state, we've had our hands full battling the evil minions of darkness. The First Church learned early on that "Open for Business" was nothing more than a secret code for Legion of Doom arch-villains to take up temporary residence in our mountains where they can plan sinister operations, each one more devious than the last. (And it's also common knowledge that our state legislature is filled with Borg drones and shape-shifters. They have to consume large amounts of booze while they're in session so that no one discovers they aren't entirely human.)

So here's the role call of some bloggers whom you should visit often, from West Virginia, Appalachia, the United States, and Beyond:

The Film Geek- granted he did violate an issued Fatwa commanding him not to watch that Marvelite blasphemy, Ghost Rider. But the Elders have decided to grant him reprieve and have included him amongst the honored and blessed souls of this dimension and others.

Buzzard Billy is one of the faithful whose soul cannot falter. She has recently declared her desire to live a life worthy of the Bat which means that the Holy Trinity: Batman, Batgirl, and Robin will be smiling upon her. We suggest you do the same unless being smacked with a baterang upside the head is something you enjoy.

Chris James from A Sour Apple Tree is someone you need to hear. His bodyguards helped foil a plot by the Borg and Bizzaro Legion of Doom sympathizors from taking over Huntington.

Saved by the Torso is run by Jackie, a Marvelite heretic, who has also been granted amnesty by the Elders and this church. While Jackie still insists that Prince Namor has a claim to the world that we all know belongs to Aquaman, we still dig him and appreciate his efforts to help Little Jackie understand the wondrous and True ways of the Bat.

Scarlet Tanager is another wonderful blogger with a heart so big that she might be convinced to create tissue boxes for all you lost souls that will need a whole lot of those tissues for your crying eyes once you realize that eternity for you lies within the walls of Arkham Asylum.

Hoyt from Donut Buzz deserves your undivided attention as does Primalscreamx from Don't Print This. Both bloggers will one day walk with Starfleet and if you wish to do the same, we suggest that you visit their blogs and hear what they have to say.

We also recommend that you drop by Jennyville for it is as a sacred a place to visit as Smallville, Gotham City, or Metropolis itself. Where else can you learn to make Tiramisu, one the foods that reportedly caught the attention of the Kryptonians- which in turn convinced them to send their only begotten son, Superman, to save us from our sinisters.

JDB from Infinity Ranch understands that a God who can't even shoot laser beams from his eyeballs or defend himself from a Klingon disruptor has no business being placed in our schools. And Alabama's own Jennifer from The Infinite Sphere has graciously offered to use her rope and grapple to place the True commandments that truly belong in schools and courthouses- those from the Justice League of America. Her soul will be forever be blessed by Batgirl and all the bountiful blessings She offers.

Ananke from Confused and Amused is keeping Starfleet Command alive down in Kentucky- she hasn't violated a single one of their commandments and will one day serve with Captain Picard. As will Aphra from The Answers 42 who heeds the call of Lieutenant Uhura's hails from her abode in the isles of Great Britain.

We have Anne, once Marvelite infidel- turned Milk and Cheese Slave Graphic adherent from the The Gods Are Bored and Rosie from Smokey Mountain Breakdown, an anime'ithiest. Both follow strange and mystical beliefs that only the doctors in Arkham can truly understand, but the Martian Manhunter has chosen to bless to them and we do not question J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter.

And we should not forget Rebecca from Carpe You Some Diem who shall one day carpe diem with Captain Jean Luc Picard aboard the Enterprise E, The Blonde Goddess who has secured the blessings of Catwoman's good side (or maybe her bad side- we ain't sure), Juanuhcis' Way, The Glamorous Life of a Hausfrau, Wabi-sabi, Muzings, This is Not My Blog, and Jelly Filled- all bloggers who will witness the glory that is the Hall of Justice and sit at the Green Lantern's side. Even Muze, who I've disagreed with on some issues in the past, will one day get to stand with Hawkgirl and behold the Thanagarian might.

There's also a site you might try with pictures of a beautiful family and some geeky communist guy named Chad- who is such a loser, I'll bet he owns all three X-Men movies on DVD and even a few Spiderman movies on VHS. Poor Lisa.

Thank you all for making this dark heathen world full of infidels, sinisters, hostile aliens and arch-supervillains a little brighter for the members of this fundamentalist and intolerant church of self-righteous beings.


Tags:
Fundamentalism, Arkham, Hall of Justice, Blessed Souls, Barbarian Heathens