We Have the Answers Part 7: How to Stop the Moral Corrosion of Our Society

I hear people talking all the time about the need to get back to the basics. They feel that America has lost its way and turned into a nation of crime, sex, and drugs. And we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets couldn't agree more.

But the people who read that big, pictureless comic book called the Holy Bible seem to think the solution to the problem is prayer in school to some guy who could have played lead guitar for the Doobie Brothers, teaching kids about some old white man in the sky, and hanging the ten commandments in our public buildings. I fail to see how any of this is going to accomplish anything. How can these guys who never even took command of Galaxy-class starship fix the problems we face everyday in this country?

This is why I hereby propose another alternative which should prove much more effective: light up the Batsignal over every city and town in America. With Batman on our side we really can't fail, but if we ignore Him; He is most likely going to ignore us. The answer to the problem is clear.

Seriously, if we light up our skies with this great signal which the Bat hath handed down to us to use when we need His protection (or the protection of Robin, Batgirl, and Nightwing) people will think twice before they do something wrong. Throw the Batsignal up every night and explain to our children what it means and watch them grow to respect the laws and common decency upon which this nation was founded.

This is just plain common sense, people. Lobby your city hall, your courthouses, and your public schools to bring America back the basics by showing the Batman that Yes! We, here in this nation full of Gothamites, still believe in Him and still yearn for His love and protection.

Tags:
Batman, Gotham City, The Bat Signal, Church and State, Prayer in School

We Have the Answers Part 6: How Life Began

A new $27 million dollar museum has opened down in Kentucky called the Creation Museum. There, people are treated to an "alternative" perspective on how the earth came be. It presents world history and science from a biblical perspective. According to them, the world is only 6,000 years old, the dinosaurs were cast out of the Garden of Eden along with Adam and Eve, and the Grand Canyon was created by the flood that killed everyone except Noah and his family.

Astounding.

I thought that everyone knew by now how life came to be on this planet; a group of humanoids from another galaxy scattered their DNA throughout the Milky Way Galaxy in order to preserve some part of themselves after they realized they were dying off. This DNA was set to evolve so that on earth-like environments, one species of Mammal would be dominant and resemble this mysterious, dying race of preservers.

As a matter of fact, Q took Captain Jean Luc Picard back in time to the beginning of life on earth and showed him a pool of genomes electronically combusting to form life- not Adam and Eve making love for the first time!

Turn with me, please, to Star Trek The Next Generation (Season 6:20):

"You're wondering who we are; why we have done this; how it has come that I stand before you - the image of a being from so long ago. Life evolved on my planet before all others in this part of the galaxy. We left our world, explored the stars and found none like ourselves. Our civilization thrived for ages, but what is the life of one race, compared to the vast stretches of cosmic time?

We knew that one day we would be gone, and nothing of us would survive - so we left you. Our scientists seeded the primordial oceans of many worlds, where life was in its infancy. This body you see before you, which is of course shaped as yours is shaped, for you are the end result. The seed code also contains this message, which was scattered in fragments on many different worlds.

It was our hope that you would have to come together in fellowship and companionship to hear this message, and if you can see and hear me, our hope has been fulfilled. You are a monument, not to our greatness, but to our existence. That was our wish - that you too would know life and would keep alive our memory. There is something of us in each of you, and so, something of you in each other. Remember us."

I think its clear where the Truth can be found and it isn't in that graphic novel they call Genesis. And how do we reward this ancient race who seeded the oceans with our DNA? By banning them from our schools and replacing them with two conflicting stories of equal absurdity: the Bible's version of creation and Darwin's theory of evolution. Here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, we believe there is no need for conflict. The Five Pillars of Star Trek teach us that we evolved by the intelligent design of an ancient race known as the Preservers. That's all the children need to know.

I mean the biblical creationist theories are colorful and interesting. But while their theories might address the question of how humans ended up on earth; they fail to explain how the Vulcans ended up on Vulcan or how the Klingons ended up on Qo'Nos. I really do hope parents will take that into account before they take their kids to this Creation Museum and let them think that any of it is historically or scientifically accurate.




Tags:
Creation Museum, Creationism, Noah's Ark, Captain Picard, Star Trek, The Preservers, Adam and Eve

We Have the Answers Part 5: What We Need to Fear

The other day I heard people saying that recent events taking place in the world today are signs the end of the world is near. One woman even spoke of the Apokolips and I began to violently shake in my shoes.

I don't think people realize just how serious this is.

If Darkseid is planning an invasion, we had best prepare ourselves immediately.

Read about it here:

"Surprisingly, Apokolips is second to New Genesis in technological advancement. With their technology, they are the height of power in most of the universe and are able to devastate galaxies when they choose to use it. Apokoliptian technology is furthermore the source of unparalleled misery in the universe as the planet routinely arms evil groups with advanced technology in order to further its influence (and misery) across the universe."

This is no shit. I mean if you're one of those people who fears Hillary Clinton, you're going to just love Granny Goodness.



Tags:
Darkseid, Apocalypse, Apokolips, Granny Goodness, Hillary Clinton, The End of Times

We Have the Answers Part 4: Why Illegal Aliens Are So Dangerous

I'm going to say this because somebody has to. I'm scared for our future. I'm scared at the prospect of illegal aliens crossing the borders which separate the Alpha Quadrant from the Beta, Gamma, and Delta Quadrants. If this is allowed to continue, none of us will have jobs and Terrans everywhere will be forced to learn Klingon, Borg, Romulan, and Dominionese.

So who are these aliens that are migrating to the Quadrant of the Free everyday looking for handouts and seeking to destroy our very way of life? Well, let's cover a few of the more dangerous ones.

The Klingons- Sure, they will become Federation allies in the 24th century, but don't let that fool you- we can be their friends so long as they stay within the Qo'nos sphere of influence; meaning the Beta Quadrant. These aliens put a lot of stock in pride and honor. So when they come to this land in search of those dream jobs that everyone wants (like working on a farm for less than a dollar fifty an hour for twelve hours a day in the burning hot sun) they will require no paychecks at all. Klingon warriors need only be convinced that rapid production for nothing is a matter of honor and their pay will be satisfied.



The Founders (aka Shape Shifters, aka Changlings)- the rulers of the Dominion. These beings from the Gamma Quadrant can assume any shape or form they so desire. They can become you and go to work for you- which wouldn't be all bad except that they can also cash your paycheck on Friday. Put ten shape-shifters on a work site and that's ten of us who are out of a job. They can also change form again and go down to the local welfare office where they can receive food stamps and medicaid. If we allow these aliens to integrate into our society, we'll be singing the Star-Spangled Banner in Dominionese while the Alpha Quadrant goes broke. Clearly, this is a threat at the highest levels.

The Borg Collective- these drones from the Delta Quadrant will do your job five times faster than you will. They don't complain and they follow orders without question. Plus, they don't require food which means that they won't even ask for lunch breaks. All employers will have to do to keep these aliens productive is set up a few alcoves in which they can regenerate. That will ultimately be much cheaper for potential employers than having to cough up a whole $6.55 an hour.

The Viidians- also from the Delta Quadrant. These aliens will not only steal our jobs, they will also steal our body organs because their entire race is plagued with some infectious disease that makes leprosy look like a sunny day at the park. They need fresh body parts to survive and to get back those fashion model faces. If this ain't a threat to national security, I honestly don't know what the fuck is. No more Viidians should be allowed to cross the border of the Delta Quadrant and that is just that.

The Romulans- an offshoot of the Vulcan race. But unlike the Vulcans, Romulans are treacherous, violent, and governed by intense passion. If they are allowed to immigrate here from the Beta Quadrant, there won't be a safe bar in all of Manhattan. They will steal our jobs when our backs our turned quicker than you can say, "Space, the final frontier....". And giving these aliens driver's licenses will put the capital "D" in the word total disaster. Talk about some road rage now.

These are the questions you should be asking yourself during the next election before you spin the wheel on those video poker machines that select our representatives for us. Our very livelihoods are at stake here, people.

In the meantime, contact your senators and representatives and tell them you and your children have no plans to learn Romulan. Tell them that you want your government to build electric barbwire fences around all borders and cross sections of space that lead to the Alpha Quadrant. Tell them that you want bans placed on wormhole traffic and blood screenings in all buildings and on every job site (in case a few shape-shifters slip through).

Get it together. Let's keep the Alpha Quadrant free and prosperous for Alpha Quandrians First.


Tags:
Illegal Immigration, Borders, Electric Fences, 2008 Election

We Have the Answers Pt 3: What Awaits Us in the Afterlife

The Elders were recently contacted by some aliens who represent all four quadrants of our galaxy about a documentary on the Terran view of the afterlife. The program is supposed to go out an Intergalactic Public Broadcasting network and I joined a couple of the other comic book followers from Sector 001 in explaining our beliefs.

Dr. Pat Robertson:

"Jesus gave a parable, very clear, about a rich man who dined sumptuously. He wore beautiful clothes. There was a beggar named Lazarus who was content to eat the scraps off the rich man’s table. The Bible says they both died. He says the beggar was carried by the angels to Abraham’s bosom. The rich man wound up in hell. He saw Lazarus in Abraham’s bosom, and he says, 'Please, send Lazarus over to me and just dip his finger in some water, because I am 'tormented by this flame.'' Abraham said, 'I’m sorry, old buddy, but there is a great gulf between us. He can’t go from where he is to you, and you can’t come over to us. You are set there forever.' Jesus Himself talked about outer darkness. He talked about a lake that burns with fire. He talked about eternal separation from God. Hell is real. Whether it’s the torment of the flames of remorse, it’s what you could have had. The Bible talks the lake of fire reserved for the devil and his angels. There is no doubt that it’s real."

Pastor John Hagee:

"In the first moment after your last breath, angels will escort you to Heaven, into the presence of God. Jesus implied as much when telling the story of the rich man and Lazarus, the poor beggar. Jesus said, ' So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by angels to Abraham's bosom'(Luke 16:22).

"God Himself will meet you at the gates of heaven and wipe any tears from your eyes. Scripture says, '… for the lamb who is in the midst of the throne will Shepard them and led them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away ever tear from there eyes' (revalation7:17). You'll never have reason to weep again. You'll never have to say good-bye again. You'll never fell physical or emotional pain again; You'll never experience another moment of regret, remorse, or rejection.

"You will receive a dazzling white robe of righteousness, without spot or wrinkle. Ephesians 5:27 states, '… that He might present her [the bride of Christ] to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.' The church is the bride of Christ, and God is preparing us to step into eternity with Him at any moment!

"Are you prepared for your 'promotion'? Now is the time to do what God has called you to do. Today is your opportunity to tell someone else about Jesus, to you neighbor, and to do good in Jesus' name. Remember, the clock is ticking… time is almost up.

"The best is yet to come! You need not fear leaving your comfort zone. Men and women cannot discover new oceans unless they have the courage to lose sight of the shore. Now is the time to get ready! Heaven is only a breath away!"


The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo:

"Ever since the Preservers scattered our DNA across the four corners of the galaxy to evolve in their image, we have had a choice; a choice between embracing the founding principles of the Justice League and the United Federation of Planets or following the path of the Borg Collective and the Legion of Doom.

"But unlike those comic books that don't have any pictures in them, we offer you two opportunities for bliss. If you welcome Batgirl and Captain James T. Kirk into your heart and submit to Their divinity, you can either join the Justice League in the Hall of Justice or join Starfleet Academy so that you may one day sit at Captain Jean Luc Picard's side. If you die a glorious death in battle against the Dominion, you will then proceed to the Hall of Justice.

"In your first moments after death you will either be beamed aboard a starship or greeted by Superdog at the gates of the Hall of Justice. One way or another you will judged on how well you followed the path laid out for us in DC Comics and the Five Pillars of Star Trek. Superdog will have a list of souls who will be allowed admittance. The commanding officer aboard the starship will decide whether your soul is worthy of Starfleet training. It's all up to you.

"The alternative to embracing the love of Captain Kirk and accepting Batman as Gotham's True Savior is either being dragged by the hair to Arkham Asylum for all eternity or to be sent in an unarmed shuttle craft directly into Borg space where you will be assimilated and tortured for the rest of your existence- after which you will be sent to Arkham. There, you will be forever separated from the wisdom of Superman and Starfleet Command.

"For the Batman Chronicles tell us, 'the mighty Batman is upon the surprised Joker before he can use his venom gun.' and He saith unto the Joker, 'Why don't you laugh now, Mr. Joker?' Verily, what the Bat is trying to tell us is that those who are laughing now will be crying later.

"You see, Captain Picard is real. The Joker is real. Batman is real. Arkham is real. Your soul is real and all criminals are weak and cowardly. The Day of the Legion is upon us and the Borg are going to invade this planet any minute.

"Tell all your friends, the Hall of Justice awaits them. Embrace the teachings of the Justice League of America and get your promotion to First Officer aboard the Enterprise E. Eternity awaits your decision, so choose wisely."


Tags:
Afterlife, Hell, Arkham, Damnation, Fire, Brimstone, Death, Horror

We Have the Answers Pt 2: Why Society is Crumbling

A 2 Part Series:

In a nearby town, the high school's sports teams are called the Blue Devils. Another nearby town has the Red Devils. Religious figures have often called on these names to be changed because they believe that the Devil really exists and we should not be encouraging support for this evil master of the dark realm.

Pat Robertson's 700 Club and other fundamentalist organizations routinely call for the banning of Halloween for much the same reason: we shouldn't be encouraging our kids to dress up as goblins and witches because they believe such characters are real and do the daily work of Satan, himself.

Well, the other day I got to looking around and I noticed something wasn't right. People everywhere are wearing Nikes. Aside from the fact that Nike Inc. is king when it comes to exploiting sweatshop labor and charging $100 for a pair of shoes made by some ten year-old kid from the third world who makes about 5 cents an hour, I also couldn't help but notice that they also use the same logo as Captain Boomerang, a ruthless enemy of the Flash who devises explosive boomerangs to terrorize the people of Central City.

Clearly, this is unacceptable. From Wikipedia on this evil supervillian:

"Although he lacked any actual superhuman abilities, he became a recurring enemy of the Flash, typically by devising altered boomerangs which could produce astonishing effects (some would explode, others had razor-sharp edges, etc.), and using them ruthlessly. He became a staple member of the Rogues Gallery, a group of villains dedicated to opposing Flash."

Celebrating a staple member of the Rogues Gallery! This is an outrage. What's next? Pictures of Captain Cold on lunch boxes? Mirrors on people's tee-shirts that the Mirror Master could use to travel from dimension to dimension and control people's minds?

Before we start banning Halloween and removing devil logos from high school football teams, we need to get Captain Boomerang's logo off the street before this gets out of hand. It's an affront to justice everywhere and it's offensive to the Flash.

2nd Sermon in Series:

Some people still don't believe me when I tell them that America is lost. We, as a nation, have gone downhill since we began turning our backs on the Justice League. Ever since we've removed Superman from our public schools, "anything goes" is apparently this nation's motto.

Here's more proof. When I was pushing my buggy down the cosmetics aisle in the store yesterday, I couldn't help but notice something strange in the deodorant section. Ultra Dry Degree is using the symbol of Captain Boomerang to sell their product!

Along with Captain Cold and the Mirror Master, Captain Boomerang is one of the founding members of the Rogues Gallery, which is dedicated to destroying the Flash, our Scarlett Speedster. His boomerangs reek havoc everywhere, often exploding on impact. But despite all this, retail stores around the nation seem to have no moral qualms with spreading his image everywhere.

So I went directly to the store manager and demanded that these evil symbols of destruction and doom be pulled off their shelves immediately. Well, I was thrown out of the store and asked never to come back- if you can believe that.

And, folks, this about sums up where we are today. The heinous crimes of Captain Boomerang and his symbolism take precedence over the teachings and sacrifices of the Flash. Yet, people still wonder why we, as a nation, face so many problems in our daily lives.

I hope you realize just what it is you are doing when you apply this evil deodorant to your under arms after a shower. This is more than just some agent to keep your armpits dry; it's an agent of Gorilla Grodd, the Rogues Gallery, and the Legion of Doom.

We hereby demand that Degree and Nike shoes be removed from the public eye until they remove these offensive symbols from their product. No child anywhere should be exposed to this very real dangerous influence.