The Dark Knight Continues to Rule

Can I get an Amen?

Take that shit Iron Man!

(Just kidding, Jackie.)

A Nation Tastes Righteousness

As we've said before, now is the time to bring people into the light and share with them the love that can only come from the Justice League of America through the scriptures of DC Comics.

So when you're out in public and hear someone talking about how much they enjoyed The Dark Knight, it would be a damn good idea for you to sit down with them, share your thoughts, and ask them a few questions. Here are a few suggestions for things you'll want to ask:

1) Do you feel you have a friend in the Batman? Is there anything we can do to help you get closer to the Caped Crusader?

2) If you were to die tomorrow do you think your soul would enter the Hall of Justice or do you think you would be headed for Arkham Asylum for all eternity?

3) Now that you've experienced Batman's love for humanity, have you also given thought to Batgirl and the sacrifices She has made for you? Have you considered how Aquaman keeps Atlantis safe from evildoers and the Black Manta.

4) And now that you have seen the glorious works of the Bat, have you offered Him thanks lately? Have you knelt down in the direction of Gotham City five times today on a freshly laid out rug and prayed not only to the Batman, but also to Robin, Nightwing, Batgirl, and Zatanna?

5) And if so, have you also remembered to thank Plastic Man, Hawkgirl, and Booster Gold. Have you shown any appreciation to the Green Lantern Corps for defending our liberties against the likes of Sinestro and Star Sapphire?

If they have answered no to any of these questions, share with them some passages from the Batman Chronicles. Remind them that the Batman tells us, "all criminals are weak and cowardly". When they ask how you define "criminal", be sure that they understand that it means anyone who doesn't obey the strict orders of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets and its leaders.

Folks, it's time to take our message to the streets. The Justice League is calling out to all the world and asking them to repent and confess their sinisters. The opportunity has never been this great to create a nation that will stand like a beacon on the hill for our Heroes in the Watchtower.

Superman was sent here from Krypton to save us from our sinsiters. Is it too much to ask that we give Him something back in return? I think not.

The time to kneel before the Martian Manhunter is at hand, people. If we stand together and follow His path, we will all be saved.

Here's What We Can Do

The Elders received the following letter via subspace:

Dear Reverend High Priest,

I'm really excited to report that people are lining up at our local theater to see the wisdom and experience the love that the Batman has to offer humanity. The people of my community are excited about the Dark Knight and they may be willing to surrender themselves at last.

A chance has appeared upon the horizon for us to bring this nation back to its DC Comics roots. People's lives are filled with despair and this just might be the best time for us to teach them about the salvation the JLA has to offer.

Is there anything we can do to help bring all these people who were raised in the Legion of Doom's secular schools into the light so they may understand that Batman and His friends in the Justice League are not just made up superheroes, but guardians of all things right who have a plan for us to follow?

Signed,
Alfred's Brigade to Liberate Humanity from the Joker

Our response:

Dear Brigade,

We thank the Martian Manhunter that people like you are out trying to make people see that the Hall of Justice awaits those who keep Batman and Robin in their hearts 24/7.

To answer your question, there are things you can do to help people see that the Justice League loves them and wants them to spend the afterlife in their grace.

First, don't be afraid to take a few copies of the Batman Chronicles to your local movie theater. Share passages from the scriptures with them and don't be afraid to beat on the cover with your fist when your warning them about an afterlife full of misery in Arkham Asylum if they refuse to hear the Word. There are worse things you can be in this world besides a DC Comic Book thumper.

Second, you should take the excitement surrounding his movie of righteousness and put it to work at your local school boards, city halls, and county commissions. Our public officials need to see that we aren't just concerned about the Joker's and his influence over our children, but Gorilla Grodd, the Cheetah, Black Manta, and Sinestros' too. Allowing kids to play football with the color yellow on their jerseys is paramount to child abuse. How they supposed to enjoy the Green Lantern's protection with this evil color surrounding them out on the field?

Lastly, we need to take the fanaticism surrounding this new found love for the Batman and put it to work in the voting booths. That way we can oust all these moral relativist liberals who stand in the way of a public inquisition so that may weed out all of the Legion of Doom sympathizors from our society. These people are responsible for this nation's decline and it is time we called on it. When America was devoted to Superman, we didn't have all these problems. Back when kids cherished their Flash comic books, gas was under a dollar a gallon. Simple logic tells us what went wrong, people.

Remember, the First Amendment doesn't separate religion and state, it simply prohibits the establishment of a national one. There is nothing in the First Amendment that says we can't scare the shit out children everyday with stories about the Riddler and Bizarro Superman. There is nothing in there that says we can't force them to kneel down before the Justice League of America before they start class every morning.

Now is the time for us to bring this country back to it's DC roots and praise Wonder Woman as a nation so that America may be once again restored to its glory.

The Dark Knight

I remember when The Passion of the Christ came out on the big screen. I was thinking that this nation was truly lost. I mean here was this big revival taking place over some guy who didn't have a cool car or a cave from which to solve crimes.

Perhaps I was wrong afterall.

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 7

It's time for people to realize that we have the answers that the others don't. The facts are simple- we're right and you're wrong and you really need to just face it, unless you want to spend eternity writhing in pain within the walls of Arkham Asylum.

I mean listen, we aren't narrow-minded bigots. We just don't tolerate anyone who disagrees with us. People who want to believe differently than we do have every right to live and breath- just so long as they do it somewhere else. People use the word fundamentalist like it's a bad thing. But when you have the answers to everything that matters while they don't, why should you suffer their presence. People who don't believe that every word from the DC scriptures is literal truth are blights on the body of the JLA.

I tell you, folks. If loving the Batman is wrong, we don't want to be right.

Some people think that DC Comics are just comic books published for the entertainment of children, but they are much more than that. The DC Scriptures have laid out a path for you to follow, if you want to join your Heroes in the Hall of Justice.

In this world that is filled with Sinestro Corps sympathizers and Legion of Doom influences, one church stands out like a beacon on a hill for people who love righteousness and the pursuit of justice. That church is the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. All other churches just follow some god with no heat vision and chase abstract notions that won't bring you any closer to the Truth.

Isn't it time you heed the call of the Watchtower and embraced the love and wisdom that is offered to us daily by the Martian Manhunter?

Firearms for Jesus

Question of the day: what kind of a sissy ass god needs AK-47s, M-16s, and 9MMs? Answer: apparently, the one out of the big black comic book called the Holy Bible.

Or so says The Register.

An Oklahoma baptist church has insisted it will proceed with its controversial plan to give away an AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle* during a youth conference - a move described as "a way of trying to encourage young people to attend the event", according to local Koko 5 news.

Windsor Hills Baptist apparently has a history of worshipping God through firepower, and last year ran a shooting competition as part of its annual shindig. This year, it reportedly shelled out $800 for said trophy semi, but the church’s youth pastor, Bob Ross, claimed the main thrust of the conference wasn't about guns but rather "teens finding faith".

Anyone who understands the Batman's grace will shake their heads in disbelief. If the DC scriptures have taught us anything, it's that real superheroes don't need guns to fight evil. All they need are brains, strong determination and an absolute will to get the job done. Apparently, people who follow the plan of other superheroes from other comic books have missed out on this plain and simple Truth.



Well, most of time Batman doesn't use guns.

OK, Question time is over.