Natural Disasters

In case you missed it, Sharon Stone stirred some controversy when she stated that the recent earthquake in China was caused by Karma; in an effort to seek out revenge for the government's brutal treatment of the Tibetan people.

So the Elders and I decided to launch our own investigation. We got out a few books like the Dhammapada, Upanisads, Bhagavad-Gita and a few books about something called "Zen" to see what we could find. It didn't us take long to give up our research because none of these books had any pictures in them or frame by frame action or characters attempting to teach us eternal wisdom through speech balloons. We can only assume that this hero they call Karma is the same as all the rest; no utility belts, planes or cool cars, and certainly no idea on how to command a Galaxy-class starship.

We would like to call out to our friends who get derive their knowledge and wisdom through comic books with no pictures and people who find their spirituality inside faiths that have never even ran a weekly television show. We would like to tell them that this kind of thinking is complete nonsense.

There is a better explanation on why people endure these bouts of nasty weather and wicked natural occurrences.

It is because we as a people have turned our backs on the Justice League and Starfleet. No, our Heroes do not cause these natural disasters, supervillians do. But they have the ability to stop them if we could only bring ourselves to ask.

Picture this: the Weather Wizard decides to reek havoc upon humanity because he is evil and loves to see people in fear. The Flash has stopped him on numerous occasions. But if we can't even be bothered to get out bed one day of the week to gather and offer Him thanks, why should He bother to get out of bed and stop the Weather Wizard or any other member of the Rouge's Gallery when they decide to rob and steal and create massive diversions in order to do so.

You see, the answers to all these problems are simple if you just stop and think about it for a few minutes. There isn't any need to understand or explain things like earthquakes in terms of tectonic plates or any other kind of scientific mumbo jumbo. There are forces at work out to destroy us all and if we don't surrender ourselves to Batgirl and the JLA, we will all perish. Bad things only happen to bad people and bad people is anyone who doesn't have enough faith in the Batcave and anyone who refuses to acknowledge that Superman was sent here from Krypton to save us from our sinisters.

If we live right and follow the path laid out for us by DC Comics and Star Trek, everyday for all the world will be warm, breezy, and filled with rays of sunshine.


Tags:
Sharon Stone, Earthquake, China, Karma, Famous People Saying Dumb Things

The Only Message Anyone Need Concern Themselves With

Just letting everyone know what will be missing from the Second Annual Conference Religion and Media in Tehran.

I hope they all enjoy their stay at Arkham.

Guess We Weren't Invited

It would seem that the world's pictureless comic book fans are having a gathering to discuss religion and the media. Since we represent the only one True faith and also present weekly media coverage on the imminent threat posed by the Legion of Doom, we can only assume our invitation got lost in the mail.

Here is a description of the event from their website:

It is a pleasure to invite you to join the media researchers and scholars, representatives from diverse religious traditions, professionals and students involved with the subjects of the conference who will gather in Tehran in November 2008 to explore the complex relationship among religion and media. The purpose of the conference is to share developments in and research on religion and media (with emphasis on Television and Radio).

What's really surprising about us not receiving an invitation is the fact that Iran has always been noted for its consistent religious tolerance and open-minded approach to different views on the subject of culture and religious thought. Perhaps because we use subspace channels to spread our wisdom instead of TV and radio the organizers of this momentous event feel we wouldn't have anything to contribute. Or maybe Tehran is still embarrassed about the Ayatollah Khomeini appointing the Joker to the position of ambassador to the US right after he killed the second Robin, they felt we would automatically decline.

Nevertheless, the voice of Hawkgirl and the Green Lantern will not be heard at this gathering. The only people who stand to lose from this omission are the good, decent people of Sector 2814 who stand firm against Sinestro, Lex Luthor, and everything that is truly evil.


Tags:
Iran, Second International Conference On Religion and Media, Tehran, Hawkgirl, Green Lantern

Why Not Ask the Real Religious Experts

We stumbled across this article from the Ottawa Citizen under the subtitle Ask the Religion Experts:

Question: If an intelligent life form with free will were found elsewhere in the universe, how would that affect your faith group? Would it change your theology?

A: The most immediate impact is that we would try to sign them up as members!

I guess my first curiosity would be to find out if these life forms, with their free will, set up houses of prayer, and if so, what religion they embrace.

Kidding aside, the existence of other life forms would be an exciting reality were it to unfold. If we contemplated this from a big picture perspective, it would certainly enhance our appreciation of God as the Creator of more than just one world.

We have thankfully outgrown the notion of many gods, each representing a different nation or ethnic group. We correctly perceive God as being Lord of the entire universe. The bigger the universe, the greater the glory of God.


So what part of the Truth that can only be found in DC Comics and Five Holy Star Trek Shows did this "theologian" miss? What kind of blasphemous heresy promotes the idea that there may or may not be other sentient beings in the universe? What path are these people trying to lead us down when they deny the existence of OA and the Guardians who have assembled the Green Lantern Corps to protect us from the evil doers and defend our way of life? Do they really believe that Superman came from Kansas and not the planet Krypton? Are these people so bereft of belief and hope that they fail to understand the Vulcans are coming down from the sky to wash us of our sinsters and save our planet from impending doom?

Perhaps we should come to expect this from people who follow a god who doesn't even know about the Warp Drive. One thing is for certain, they will never come to the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets for answers. If they did, the Truth would likely blind them quicker than the bright yellow light that comes from the blast of a Klingon disrupter.

You see, once you've accepted Captain James T. Kirk and the Batman into your heart, your mind is open to various dimensions and other forms of life that are as real as unicorns and dragons. Woe is the person who doesn't understand that there are talking rocks, space faring molds, gelatinous shape-shifters, and millions of other humanoid species scattered across four different quadrants because of the ingenious genetic technology scattered about by an ancient dying race.

Friends, it is only on this planet and in this dimension that people fear weak-ass sissy villains like Satan and bumbling, incompetent idiots like the Antichrist. The rest of the galaxy knows that the real threats lie with the Borg Collective and a secret society of supervillains called the Legion of Doom.

It's not too late for you to step into the light. Embrace Starfleet and the Hall of Justice and you will know what path you should be following. The alternative is an afterlife of agony with the Borg Collective or the doctors at Arkham Asylum. Choose wisely.

A Righteous Brew

Last weekend I enjoyed one of the best damn beers I ever tasted. It was brewed by my homeboy, Jackie. And friends, I mean to tell you- it was one awesome bottle of beer. We're not sure if the High Priests of Spiderman or the Green Goblin presided over this creation, but whichever it was, it has brought us one step closer to healing the rift between the teachings that can be found within the sacred scrolls of DC and Marvel Comics.

With permission from the Intergalactic Board of Elders, tonight, I will be enjoying this second bottle of beer as I study the ways of the Batman and Green Lantern in the everlasting search for the meaning of life and to seek out new rules to impose upon the readers of this blog and the followers of this church.

As you can see in the picture, this second bottle came with a warning label placed there presumably by Mrs. Lantern. So if there are no blog entries here for the next couple of weeks then it is safe to assume that I've gone to be with my Heroes in the Hall of Justice.

So far, two swigs down and I haven't gone blind.

Thank you, Jackie for the homemade beer (and the holy, kick ass and righteous Misfits CD.)

Batman Camp

Friends,

It's been awhile since we had a heart to heart discussion about the horrors of Arkham Asylum. I have neglected to remind you all that if you do not follow the righteous path laid out by the DC Scriptures you will end up spending eternity wrapped in a straight jacket while sadistic doctors poke and prod you in no uncertain terms. There will be screaming and people gnashing their teeth. It's just an all around nasty place to be and you can avoid it by giving yourself to the Justice League of America and praying to Batgirl every night before you go to sleep.

Ask yourself, if you were to develop a large brain clot and keel over onto the floor at work tomorrow, would you be getting hauled off on a stretcher to Arkham? Or would your soul go on to meet with Superdog at the glorious gates leading to the Hall of Justice?

What inspired me to remind you of this choice we all face is a documentary I watched last night called "Jesus Camp". What a great way for young children to spend their summers. The only problem I saw with this youth retreat is that they were giving praise to some wimpy hero in toga named Jesus Christ and that comic book character known as God who we all know can't even command a Galaxy class starship.

Instead of frightening young children with some big Halloween party called "hell" and using stuffed animals to inspire terror, they should have been smacking those kids in the back of their heads with baterangs until they started crying and bowing down on their knees confessing all their sinsiters to Batman.

That is why we'd like to launch our own summer camp. A camp where the kids to learn to jump from ten story buildings and learn how to fight with bat'leths. A camp where children can learn to slice each other up with green power rings and shoot arrows filled with explosives and shards of metal and shrapnel. In other words, a camp filled with good, clean wholesome fun where kids can learn about real spirituality.

The only problem we can see is that your children might not be coming home.

So if you're interested in letting your children experience the Almighty ways of the Bat, sign them up now. It's the least you can do for their little souls.