Happy New Year!!!

Starfleet's Ten Commandments

Starfleet Command has hailed the First Church and relayed these ten commandments for you to to follow. If you make any New Year's resolutions, make them these- unless you plan to spend eternity gnashing your teeth as a Borg drone, wired to the collective's high mind.

Even if you foolishly choose not to believe in Starfleet or their five Holy Starfleet Captains, we fail to see how posting these ten simple commandments in every school and courthouse could hurt. I mean this would be just one modest improvement we could implement that would help bring this country back to the Federation values that every decent person holds to be True.

1. Thou shalt have no other commands before Us; for we are a jealous command.

2. Thou shalt not worship graven images that don't in some way resemble Us, your Holy Starfleet Captains, the United Federation of Planets, or allies of the United Federation of Planets.

3. Thou shalt not take Captain Jean Luc Picard's name in vain.

4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy; for between 1993 and 1999- Saturday was the day that Captain Benjamin Sisko tried to show all you heathens, infidels, and ungrateful Terran brats the way.

5. Honor the Prime Directive as you would the orders handed down by your Holy Starfleet Captains.

6. Thou shalt always keep your phasers on stun without a direct command from Captain James T. Kirk to do otherwise.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless you are vacationing on Risa, come from a Federation world that condones it, or come from a planet aligned with the Federation that condones it.

8. Thou shalt not conspire to aid the Borg or the Dominion or any other enemy of the United Federation of Planets; unless Captain Kathryn Janeway enlists you into a plot to foil strange, new aliens- more dangerous than those listed in these commandments.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor, friendly aliens, neutral aliens, or aliens from a pre-warp society.

10. Thou shalt not covet our photon torpedoes, our phaser banks, our Galaxy-class starships, or our warp drive capabilities.


It has been said. We are your Starfleet Command, the only Command, and these are your orders.


Starfleet, Ten Commandments, Captain Picard, James T. Kirk, Captain Janeway, Benjamin Lafayette Sisko

The Pope's Christmas Speech in Klingon

Even though we think it is a total waste of time to follow anyone who can't pilot a Constitution or Galaxy-class starship and wore a toga instead of the proud gold and red uniforms of commanding Starfleet officers, we thought we'd share the Pope's annual Christmas speech. Since the Catholic Church isn't considerate enough to keep all of the galaxy's children in mind when they preach their false prophesies, we offer Pope's words to you in Klingon. Now if your first language is Romulan or Vulcan and you feel left out- go here to get your own translation.

Ram maH Qoyta' latlh Duy Daq. je maH vo' vetlh le' ram Bethle'hem ram ghorgh puqloD vo' joH'a' mojta' loD ghaHta' bogh Daq je. Ghorgh puqloD vo' joH'a' mojta' loD ghaHta' bogh Daq a stabl.

Daq vam Sagh jaj Duy pa' maH loDpu' je be'pu' vo' wejDIch milli'nni Daq. Ghotpu vo' DaHjaj qo' ghobe' Daq chaw' ghaH 'el chaj chaj vengmey chaj tuqpu'. Daq Tera'! Daq milli'nni je Daq ghaHta' chenmoHta' Daq vo' je scie.

DaHjaj maH laH vo' vast 'ach loDpu' je be'pu' Daq maj te'chkologic vo' chaj ghaj je t'chnikhal Dung Daq je vo'. Vetlh ghaH qatlh 'oH ghaH vaj vaD maH Daq poSmoH maj je tIQDu' Daq vo' Khrist vam vo' toDtaHghach nuq laH nob chu' tul Daq yIn vo' Teran'.

Sum knI'cking Daq maj lojmIt ghaH maH je maj ghaH khalls maH Daq chay' maH je yIn maj. GhaH leghpu' awak vo' meq vo' s tera. Vo'. Daq Khrist'mas HoSghaj puq je aks vaD maj QaH je. Daj way vo' vetlh ghaH ghaH joH'a' maj way vo' taH teran.Wak Dung toH loD vaD lIj chIch joH'a' mojta' loD!

Hutlh wov vo' Khrist wov vo' meq ghaH ghobe' Daq teran je.

VaD vam meq mu'mey vo' Khrist'mas Gospl: wov vetlh Hoch loD ghaHta' choltaH Daq vam qo'. DaH latlh vo' salvat. 'oH ghaH neH Daq vo'. Mu' chenmoHta' ghab vetlh vo' tera ta'taH ghobe' tire vo' vam vo' tul Sum cha'DIch Vatican nuq loSmaH DISmey ago.

LoDpu' je be'pu' vo' DaHjaj Teran' ghoS vo' vIHHa' vaj. Daq yab je DichDaq chaw' puq vo' Bethle'hem tlhap SoH Sum ghop ta' ghobe' taHvIp lan lIj voq Daq ghaH. HoS vo' Daj wov ghaH vaD chu' qo' Daq je.

May Daj muSHa' Hoch ghotpu Daq tera' je chaj vo' taH qorDu' ja' Daq vo' voq je. Klingons DichDaq taH laH Daq law' vo': vo' vo' Daq Daq nuq vo' Teran ghotpu' yIn vo' vo' Daq je QIH nuq vo' maj Qo'nos.

JoH'a' 'Iv mojta' loD pa' vo' muSHa' vaD Teran Hoch chaH Daq Afrik'ha 'Iv vum vaD roj je vo' vaD vo' vIHHa' je vo' HochHom vo' chaH chaH Daq [Darfur] je Daq latlh vo' Afrik'ha. GhaH Dev ghotpu' vo' Latee Amerik'ha Daq yIn Daq roj je. GhaH Daq ghotpu vo' QaQ DichDaq Daq le' puH Daq Irakh Daq Lebanon nuqDaq vo' tul nuq 'oH ghobe'. Daq taH Sum vangta'ghachmey Sum je valtaHghach ghaH vo' Daq Qorean peninsulak je Daq vo' Aseyah vaj vetlh Sum vo' je "peeezzzful" laH taH Daq qa' vo' nuq chaj ghotpu'.

Daq Khrist'mas maH joH'a' chenmoHta' loD batlh bIng vo' puq Daq je Daq manger vo' Hoch Daq vo' neoQb. MaH vam maH vIt vetlh maH je muSHa' vetlh maj. Daq Bethlehem ram wa' vo' maH maj Hemey vo'. Chaw' maH tlhap ghop nuq ghaH pa' Daq Klingons:'oH ghaH ghop nuq Daq tlhap pagh vo' maH 'ach neH Daq.

Tlhej chaw' devwI maH 'el vo' Bethle'hem bIng muSHa'taH vo' Ma'ry tam vo' Daj. GhaH QaH maH Daq vo' Khrist'mas [may] ghaH ghojmoH maH chay' Daq Daq maj tIQDu' vo' joH'a' 'Iv vaD maj chIch mojta' loD je ghaH QaH maH Daq SIQ Daq maj qo' Daq Daj vIt Daj muSHa' je Daj "Peeezzz".

Tags:
The Pope, The Vatican, The Klingon High Command, GhaH QaH maH Daq

From the Desk of the First Church

Friends,

Please forgive us here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets for the light posting.

We are currently gearing up for Robinmas Day, a time when everybody but retail store check out clerks celebrate Dick Grayson's ascendancy to Batman's side as Robin.

So please, everyone, have a Merry Robinmas Day. We'll see you soon.

Living a Life Worthy of the Batman

Today, I hit the streets with a copy of the Batman Chronicles in my hand. I was shouting toward the passers-by trying to share the good word of the Bat only to get funny looks and expressions of intense anger. People thought I was crazy, but we all understand that those of us who follow the rules- laid out for us by the Justice League of America- are bound to endure some scorn in this Marvel-ridden land that does everything but outright sacrifice lambs at the Legion of Doom's alter.

Well, friends, I'm going to ask you the same question that I asked those gawking Incredible Hulk fans on the streets today:

If you were to die tonight where do you think you would be tomorrow? Would you join Batman, Batgirl, and Robin in the Hall of Justice? Or would you be getting sprayed in the face with one of the Joker's deadly and poisonous flower lapels behind the walls of Arkham Asylum? If Batman came crashing through the roof of your house tonight, would He protect you from Mr. Freeze? Or would He drag you off by your hair into the night to face your worst fears?

Folks, we have a choice. We have a choice between following the righteous ways of the JLA and the JSA or following those who seek to steal jewelry and precious museum artifacts and essentially destroy our way of life. People who choose not to believe in the Catwoman will fall prey to her claws. It's simple logic, people.

Will the Penguin have to shove one of his umbrellas up your ass before you can realize the dangers that exist right here in our world? Will Two-Face have to decide your fate by flipping a coin over your broken body before you understand that Daredevil and the X-Men aren't coming? I hope not.

Give up your sinister ways and become worthy of the Holy Trinity (Batman, Robin, and Batgirl) before it is too late.

Tags:
Batman, Batgirl, Robin, The Holy Trinity

Stop Illegal Immigration (from the Gamma Quadrant)

What's wrong with these two pictures?

Well, I'll give you a hint. Building a fence around the Arizona and Texas borders or the city of San Diego ain't gonna do a goddamn thing to stop Dominion infiltrators from the Gamma Quadrant.

When shape-shifters and other aliens from the other side of the Bajoran wormhole come here to this planet and start stealing our jobs, the human race has got some serious fuckin' problems. So instead of beefing up national borders, we need to start building up our forces along galactic borders. Security starts at home and home starts on the edge of what we all know as the Alpha Quadrant. Wake up, people!

You think people singing the national anthem in Spanish is bad, just wait 'til we're all forced to stand and sing "All Hail the Founders" in Dominionese.


Hat Tip to Chris James from The Sour Apple Tree for alerting everyone to this negligence on behalf of the next election's show ponies.