What Really Fuels the Violence

Rush Limbaugh recently blamed the American left for the violence at the Holocaust Museum.

"Very predictably, ladies and gentlemen, the media, the American left is trying to score some political points as a result of this tragedy at the Holocaust Museum in Washington yesterday, and as predictable, they are trying to blame this on me, other conservatives and right-wingers. It's the traditional approach taken by the American left. The facts of the case, however, are such that if we want start assigning blame for this beyond this nutcase Jew hater, and notice that very few people actually want to do that. They want to claim this guy didn't have the ability to act on his own. He only could act if he was inspired by somebody. Well, who did he hate? He hated both Bushes. He hated neocons. He hated John McCain. He hated Republicans. He hated Jews as well. He believes in an inside job conspiracy of 9/11. This guy is a leftist, if anything. This guy's beliefs, this guy's hate stems from influence that you find on the left, not on the right."

Paul Krugman disagrees and says it's the fault of the American right.

"But with the murder of Dr. George Tiller by an anti-abortion fanatic, closely followed by a shooting by a white supremacist at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, the analysis looks prescient. There is, however, one important thing that the D.H.S. report didn’t say: Today, as in the early years of the Clinton administration but to an even greater extent, right-wing extremism is being systematically fed by the conservative media and political establishment."

But we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician understand what drives these wanton acts of violence. And no, it isn't that some people are mentally disturbed, unbalanced and have distorted views that come mostly from within their own minds. We know that these displays of horrendous violence are caused solely by the publication of Marvel Comics.

Think about it. You've got the Incredible Hulk who turns all green and explodes out his clothes wreaking havoc on everybody. The Punisher goes on rampages blowing up everything in sight. No one ever seems to know if Ghost Rider is possessed by some evil spirit or if he's a real superhero. Spiderman's got that evil alter ego named Venom and how's anyone to know which is which?

It's no wonder that perfectly sane people pick up a copies of these comic books and go out on a shooting a rampage. If they had stuck with Superman and the Green Lantern, they would undoubtedly be productive citizens doing harmless things like running major corporations, getting kickbacks and bonuses based on the number of people they layoff and families they toss out into the streets.

It's simple logic. If more people stuck with DC Comics instead of delving into the abyss as presented by Marvel, our society would be completely free from all insanity and all forms of random violent crimes.

Borg Collectivism Seems Neverending

Everybody knows that unfettered and reckless capitalism is the only economic system ordained by the Justice League. It's the only economic system that works and the proof lies with the booming, robust economy we're experiencing here in the U.S. today.

Yet Americans were content to send a Legion of Doom sympathizer to the White House this past November. The fact that Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama sat in church beside the Black Manta while they all plotted the overthrow of the blond-haired, blue-eyed Aquaman and sought to destroy the underwater city of Atlantis never deterred the voters. So this is what we get: regulation on the credit card industry.

I've been listening to AM radio lately and agree with such brilliant investigators as Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck. Americans are outraged at the thought of a credit card company not being allowed to jack up interest rates on them when they aren't looking. It's been a fun surprise when you open your your mail every month, trying to guess whether your rate is going to be 12% or a more reasonable 28%. It's alot more exciting than those boring old traditional banks who are confined to a mere 2% increase over a limited period of
And Americans love the idea of paying hidden fees for being one day late with their minimum payment. It's like you're Dale Earnhart Jr. at Pocono- racing to get those payments in because you received the bill on Monday and it happens to be due by Friday. Exciting. The majority of Americans also feel "over-the-limit" and "pay-by-phone" fees are like contributions to one of the most important issues facing us today: making sure that all American CEO's can afford to buy eight more homes since six isn't never is enough and each one of those needs a swimming pool and a fully staffed cleaning service. If these goals aren't achieved, America fails; we all fail.

So now the Borg Collectivists have taken all that joy away from us making sure that credit card card companies have some sort of standard by which to operate. It's an outrage and everyone should be mad as hell.

I'm sure folks like Hannity and Beck as well as Rush Limbaugh would agree that this is one of the many first steps toward people being lined up outside Borg labor camps and having a their eyeballs, legs, and arms removed and replaced with cybernetic technology from the Delta Quadrant. I'd go on TV and cry like a baby if they'd let me. Because I love my country and it hurts me deeply to see the Borg and the Legion of Doom take away all that we've worked for by making this country free and prosperous for about 1% of the population.

A Run for the Presidency?

It's been a busy time for the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation Planets.

First, we organized a worldwide effort encouraging everyone to pray to the Flash so that He might stop the Weather Wizard from dropping anymore rain on West Virginia. As you know, flooding isn't caused by runoff from strip mining, tearing down trees, or placing Walmarts and shopping malls and huge parking lots within ten to fifteen miles of each other. No. Heavy rain and flooding is caused by the either the Legion of Doom or the Rouge's Gallery and it is allowed to happen when a nation fails to follow the Justice League's plan laid out for us in DC Comics. Well, our prayers were answered and the Flash did stop the Weather Wizard. So thanks to the First Church, we can now enjoy sunny days until our next crisis of faith.

Second, we're preparing once again for an attempt at launching a youth Batman Camp. This would be a wonderful place to brainwash the children and get them to understand that there are two horrible things in this world: abortion and Marvel Comics. Unfortunately, we're running into some legal problems once again because our lawyers tell that our insurance policy won't cover accidents that involve climbing twelve story buildings with the use of a batgrapple and rope. But we're still working on it.

Third, we have launched an exploratory committee into a possible run for the presidency in 2012. My platform would be very simple: eliminate taxes on everyone who makes more than $100,000 a year, drug test and blood screen everyone who relies on a public service (like roads, bridges, police protection, and other handouts), cap credit card interest at a reasonable 45%, make prayer in school not just legal- but mandatory, and launch nuclear weapons in any given direction so that we can show the world who's boss and bring the Vulcans to earth a little sooner at the same time.

So we have a few ideas for a running mate: Newt Gingrich, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, or possibly Sean Hannity.

We will be praying to the Martian Manhunter for guidance in these upcoming months.

Don Blankenship Speaks Out on Earth Day

Don Blankenship loves the earth. Just ask the people who live in central Appalachia how much of that love they feel when rocks and shit come raining down on their houses when Massey gets done dynamiting the top right off another mountain so his company can scoop out all the coal without the burdensome task of having to employ union miners.

Many people were wondering where Blankenship was during all the Earth Day festivities. After we did some investigating, we found that he did address a small gathering to profess his love for knocked down trees, filled in creek beds, and coal sludge in everybody's water supply.

Today, we're going to publish that speech. We aren't sure if he actually wrote it himself, but the just so folks he was addressing could understand what he was saying, it was translated into the gathering's native language. Consequently, the following is written in traditional Klingon:

Qatlh 'a' Parmaq Tera'

'A' parmaq tera' mo' tera' wob law' Huch. tera' 'em Huch. 'A' parmaq Huch.

Hutvagh laH voQ 'egh chaj 'op 'Iwghargh 'et 'un quD 'A' SaH neH jegh cho wogh Huch. 'A' neH je' a qum qoq West Virginia. 'A' jom pI' ngujlep lo'laHbe'ghach WV la'quv bo'DIj meqba' leS 'A' neH naQ pach.
Hoch 'ebmey tIjon.

'A' parmaq Tera. Bang bom DI' jor. nugh be' Hap. nuqneH. Huch. SuvmeH 'ej charghmeH bogh tlhInganpu'. 'ach 'A'. qa' wIje'meH maSuv. tIqIpqu' 'ej nom tIqIp lumbe' tlhInganpu'. tay'taHbe' 'Iw bIQ je. yIn DayajmeH 'oy' yISIQ. 'A' parmaq Huch. bIje'be'chugh vaj bIHegh.

tlhIngan maH!

DaHjaj SuvwI''e' jIH. nej Huch. ghIj qet jaghmeyjaj.

Thank you.


Don Blankenship, Earth Day, West Virginia, Mountaintop Removal

The Part of the Charleston Protest You Didn't See

This just in.

Church investigators have discovered footage from the Tea Party down in Charleston, West Virginia later that evening which the media has failed to release:



We knew the Legion of Doom was behind this. Now this much is certain. We are also investigating a report presented by faithful church member, JDB, that the Joker and Lex Luthor may have created a sidearm of the Legion of Doom here in West Virginia and are calling it "The Legion of Dumb".

All we can say is that you all need to start praying to the Justice League before it's too late.

(And be sure to check out this tribute to the Tea Party from A Sour Apple Tree)

Hundreds March on Charleston to Show Support for the Mad Hatter and the Legion of Doom

It's no wonder Lex Luthor chose the Kanawha River to set up a new base for the Legion of Doom. Just look at all these people gathered around the capitol with their tea bags showing support for one of the Batman's most dangerous supervillains, The Mad Hatter.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's wonderful that people are standing up to the Borg Collectivist ideal that we need to stimulate our economy by raising taxes on people who have all they'll ever need and try to create a better country for people who can barely afford to buy gas to get to work. The latter should be bearing the brunt of taxation because if they had worked harder and put more faith in the Justice League they wouldn't be where they are.

We also think the semi-automatic weapon protest sign sends a very positive message about the state of West Virginia. It's a very subtle way of letting everyone know what steps a guy who goes to work every morning wondering if he'll have a job by the end of the week will take if you start messing with the salary of some other guy who makes over $500,000 grand a year laying people off. It's our second amendment right, you know.

There didn't seem to be many black faces in the crowd with means the gathering was free from the sinister influences of Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama, the Black Manta, and their spiritual leader, the Justice League of America-hating Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

Lastly, we're glad this mass protest dealt with something of actual importance like the shame of making millionaires pay their fair share to live in this country instead of protesting something of complete irrelevance like mountaintop removal or building coal silos next to elementary schools. Just so we're clear- we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets love mountains too. But we're smart enough to realize that the Vulcans will someday land in Montana and solve all of our environmental problems. At the very least, we will have holographic mountains so that we can once again appreciate the history behind Blair Mountain after Massey gets done dynamiting and bulldozing it to the ground.

All this being said, however, this church has no choice but to condemn this protest not because of its purpose, but because of the evil symbolism they're using which represents none other than the Mad Hatter. If Glenn Beck and Newt Gingrich want our fine religious establishment to get behind their fight against Borg Collectivism, we suggest they send their people out masked and wearing tights with capes or at least donning official Starfleet uniforms instead. We feel this would further define the seriousness of their crusade against the heinous and diabolical act of taxing wealthy people; the same people most will never even get the chance to caddy for on the golf course.


Tags:
Tea Party, Charleston, Glenn Beck, Republicans, Welfare for the Rich Only, Taxes, West Virginia