The Missing Days of the Reverend

People from all over the world have been wondering why I was absent for most of December and all of January. Well, as the only True spokesperson for the Martian Manhunter's plan of salvation, I feel it's only right to explain why I haven't been spreading Batgirl's good news and checking everyone's blogs for points of heresy and impure thoughts.

After the Legion of Doom got their man elected to the white house against the dire warnings of this church and the Truth we hold within our shrines, I needed some time to reflect on just why people would choose to ignore the wisdom of Batman and refuse to write-in the popular vice-president, Dick Cheney, a true man of the people who has proven time and time again that he's a real leader.

With the blessing of the Elders, I felt it was time to travel to Oa in an attempt to join the Green Lantern Corps. I have always supported the troops against Sinstro, his evil minions, and the color yellow. It was time to put my beliefs into action.

Unfortunately, after rigorous tests and training I was passed over by the floating Green Ring and another was chosen. Someone without a beer gut, who didn't smoke and could run a few yards without being totally out of breath (and since smoking inside those green bubbles when floating through space is prohibited, the Ring probably made the right decision).

The Guradians of Oa instructed me to return to Sector 2814 and continue to spread the gospel of the Green Lantern. They wanted me to let you know that the day is drawing near when all Terrans must choose between an eternity of bliss and one of pure damnation.

So I'm back to remind you all of your daily sinsiters and how the need to repent and confess your love for the Justice League is more pressing then ever. Heed the warning.

Where Can You Find the Answers? Hint: Not the Holy Bible

I think we can all agree that this world is filled with madness.

It's a part of life we have to accept. You see we were all born with "the original sinister" which means that as soon as the doctor snips your umbilical cord you are planning the perfect diamond heist. Don't deny it. The first cry to come out your mouth can easily be translated as "I want to don a gaudy costume and become an arch-criminal". It is only through the Justice League of America and Starfleet Command that we can find salvation from a destiny Lex Luthor and the Borg Collective are more than happy to exploit.

But even the "original sinister" can't adequately explain the insanity one will find in the Baptist Times. We won't even mention how insulting it is to Aquaman that people think they can cleanse their souls by being submerged in water. If you can't communicate with fish while your under there, you're wasting your time and you're denying the Truth: Aquaman is the only King of Atlantis and Aqualad is His Partner.

But listen to this from "the Times":

Christians can make a 'fresh and distinctive' contribution to the public debate about this new capitalism, which 'marries wealth creation and social justice', the statement said.

For instance, the Bible teaches that wealth is a gift for the whole community. Wealth creation must serve a just society, and 'we therefore recognise the critical role for commercial enterprise in poverty alleviation,' the statement continued.

If these people really want to contribute to a positive economy, the first thing they can do is give up on that God who has no heat ray vision, utility belt, or golden magic lasso. Seriously, when was the last time you turned on a holy episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation and saw Jesus Christ leading a Galaxy-class starship into battle with one of the Federation's lethal enemies.

The only thing the Bible teaches is that there is no planet called Vulcan and no dimension where Bizarro Superman reigns supreme. We find this insulting when the scriptures of DC Comics and Star Trek plainly show that both worlds exist and have daily meaning to each and every one of our lives. What part of "to boldly go where no man has gone before" do these people not understand?

Friends, we have a choice. An economy that reflects the morals of Batman and one that reflects the wicked ways of the Legion of Doom. It is better to die broke and unemployed and enter the Hall of Justice than it is to get a little money from this new bailout package and end up in one Arkham Asylum's straight jackets.

"Fresh and distinctive" is no substitute for pious and rigid. But, it would appear that for some the lesson won't be learned until they've been strapped down to a gurney and given a lobotomy by one of Arkham's tenured doctors.

A Prayer for a Speedy Recovery: The Flash

Good evening, friends. Let us bow our heads.

Dear Flash,

Hallow be thy name. And blessed be those who await our souls in the Hall of Justice.

We ask you in the name of the Justice League to help speed our nation's recovery. Please grant your superpower of speed to the opposition to all these new economic programs which were undoubtedly hatched from the minds of Gorilla Grodd, the Trickster, and Captain Cold. For only you can understand the sinister motives behind these arch-criminals and the undo influence they have over our children and the impressionable minds of young adults. The new Rouges Gallery counterculture that has arisen over the past few decades to promote public indecency, immorality and the X-Men cannot endure.

Flash, we ask forgiveness for all those who have chosen ignore the lessons you've tried to teach us and instead look to the Punisher and the Fantastic Four for answers. We ask that you and your friends have mercy upon this nation which has turned the public sphere into a Legion of Doom hotbed for secular humanism, liberalism, Anime, and Marvel Comics and away from the moral fabric that can only be found within the teachings of the Justice League and the Justice Society.

Our Scarlet Speedster, we ask that you watch over us as you race back and forth across the planet fighting evil wherever it rears its ugly head. Just as the four men who donned the rightous costume befriended the Green Lantern's, we ask that you befriend those of us who believe that only the JLA can save us from our sinisters.

In Bart Allen's name we pray,

Amen.

Taking the Plunge with Aquaman's Grace

Good evening friends,

Tonight, I would like you to take a few minutes to remember what Aquaman has tried to teach you. There is no body of water too deep or too cold to jump into. Just as Aquaman swims through perilous waters of all depths and temperatures to keep us safe from the evil schemes of Black Manta, so too are we expected to do what is necessary when the cause is just and submerge ourselves in ice water in the beginning of February.

Now, infidels and the nonbelievers will ask, "Reverend D., why would you do such a thing?" My reply would be, "why does Aquaman brave the cold water talking to fish everyday in order to save us from our sinisters?" I think the Truth is plain to see for all who choose to see the JLA's wisdom.

Yesterday, a few of us accepted Aquaman into our hearts and jumped in some ice water. And some who didn't jump did a great job raising some money to help out here and offered those of us who did plunge moral support. We had a really good time meeting, talking, swimmin' and freezin' and most of all- being thankful to Batgirl for watching over us with Her almighty blessing.

So here is a roundup of some folks who will one day sit at the Batman's side in the Hall of Justice:

Bill

The Film Geek

Jackie, who has been granted asylum by the Elders even though he refuses to give up on Marvel Comics blasphemy.

The Godfather

All Click

Mountain Laurel

Ruppie

May the Martian Manhunter bless us that we may all have this chance to get together again.

The Stimulus Package Trojan Horse

In our last sermon, we ordered you to beware of "stimulus packages" and rebuilding our nation's infrastructure. I would like to take this opportunity to expand on our church's position about this liberal Legion of Doom and hostile Borg takeover we are experiencing in the United States.

First off, we know that the nonbelievers in congress have earmarked millions of tax payer dollars to go to the their favorite arch-criminal friends. Some want to channel money in to Luthor Corp technology still others are so in love with the Joker that they're willing to invest in Smilex Gas. All of this money is being earmarked to undermine the moral fabric of this country which was founded on the principles of DC Comics and Starfleet directives.

The Batman is watching.

Secondly, the "stimulus package" does not contain enough tax cuts for the wealthy. How are millionaires who strive to live their lives like Bruce Wayne and Ollie Queen going to fund new projects to become superheroes with government breathing down their necks all day. No one making over $500,000 a year should even pay taxes. Taxes are for the little people who can only hope to die a quick and early death so that they may join Wonder Woman and the JLA in the Hall of Justice. In the Hall of Justice everyday is sunshine and no stimulus packages are needed.

The secular humanist liberals of the country want to turn this great nation into a socialist boot camp for losers and commies. If we let them, they'll succeed. If people really want to see where stimulus packages lead, they need look no further than the nearest Borg Cube where they will see just what a real hippy commune looks like.

A New Era

Friends,

We are embarking upon a new era. The choice before us now is whether we will follow the path laid out for us in the scriptures of DC Comics or whether we will follow the Joker straight into the bowels of Arkham Asylum.

Beware, my friends, of the new liberal nihilistic mantra. All this talk about stimulus packages when we need to be stimulating our spirits so that we may die and go to the Hall of Justice.

When Barack Obama talks about "infrastructure" what he's really saying is that he wants to pour billions of our taxpayer dollars into a new headquarters for the Black Manta and all his other friends in the Legion of Doom. Remember these are the same people who have made careers keeping Batman out of the classroom. How can you trust them?

Yes, we have a fight ahead us, my faithful flock. We must keep our prayers to the Martian Manhunter vigilant; lest we all perish in the flames of Gorilla Grodd and Lex Luthor.