A Strange Dimension

Friends,

I have some rather troubling news. I was giving a sermon on the wickedness that has befallen our country and how our nation has become a like one big dark city full of Legion of Doom operatives and Sinestro Corps sympathizors. I was preaching the Gospel of the Batman Chronicles and waving my finger in other peoples faces; explaining about how they were doomed to serve the Joker in his realm at Arkham Asylum when suddenly I was pulled away and dropped somewhere strange.

The Elders must have needed my spiritual guidance elsewhere and tried to beam me to another location for soul saving when an accident must have occurred that brought me here.

Those of you who have accepted Batgirl into your hearts and understand the wisdom of the Black Canary know that every word from the DC scriptures are true. Therefore, you know that the only explanation which could exist is that I have been inadvertently been beamed into Bizzaro World.

Proof? I'll show you:



At this point, you're probably thinking, "so what? A Marvelite shrine."

But no. There was a name plaque on the desk that said: "The Reverend Drinkus Elmo". There were signs on the wall that said "May Jean Gray Bless You Always" and "Iron Man Has a Plan and a Path For YOU to follow" and "The Incredible Hulk Is Your Only Chance for Salvation". I met my Bizzaro World counterpart and I might add that this High Priest strikingly resembled the same beautiful face that I greet in the mirror every morning:



For now, these Marveliteish fanatics from this parallel world have decided to let me live even though they tell me that my "DC heresy" is an affront to their fundamentalist beliefs in some Holy Land promised to them by the Captain America, the Avengers, and the Fantastic Four. Can you imagine such intolerance? Drinkus Elmo also answers to a parallel Intergalatic Board of Elders and they ordered him not to burn me at the stake even though they felt I was beyond redemption with my undying loyalty to the Batman.

Apparently, their plans are to study me and find some way to send evangelists from this Bizzaro World to force Spiderman's word upon Sector 2814. I managed to sneak into Reverend Elmo's office after he entered the Shrine of Daredevil so I could get this message out to you. I ask that you all pray to Aquaman and ask Him to help me escape from this crazy world where people believe that Prince Namor rules Atlantis.

Until then, wish me luck folks.

The Dark Knight Continues to Rule

Can I get an Amen?

Take that shit Iron Man!

(Just kidding, Jackie.)

A Nation Tastes Righteousness

As we've said before, now is the time to bring people into the light and share with them the love that can only come from the Justice League of America through the scriptures of DC Comics.

So when you're out in public and hear someone talking about how much they enjoyed The Dark Knight, it would be a damn good idea for you to sit down with them, share your thoughts, and ask them a few questions. Here are a few suggestions for things you'll want to ask:

1) Do you feel you have a friend in the Batman? Is there anything we can do to help you get closer to the Caped Crusader?

2) If you were to die tomorrow do you think your soul would enter the Hall of Justice or do you think you would be headed for Arkham Asylum for all eternity?

3) Now that you've experienced Batman's love for humanity, have you also given thought to Batgirl and the sacrifices She has made for you? Have you considered how Aquaman keeps Atlantis safe from evildoers and the Black Manta.

4) And now that you have seen the glorious works of the Bat, have you offered Him thanks lately? Have you knelt down in the direction of Gotham City five times today on a freshly laid out rug and prayed not only to the Batman, but also to Robin, Nightwing, Batgirl, and Zatanna?

5) And if so, have you also remembered to thank Plastic Man, Hawkgirl, and Booster Gold. Have you shown any appreciation to the Green Lantern Corps for defending our liberties against the likes of Sinestro and Star Sapphire?

If they have answered no to any of these questions, share with them some passages from the Batman Chronicles. Remind them that the Batman tells us, "all criminals are weak and cowardly". When they ask how you define "criminal", be sure that they understand that it means anyone who doesn't obey the strict orders of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets and its leaders.

Folks, it's time to take our message to the streets. The Justice League is calling out to all the world and asking them to repent and confess their sinisters. The opportunity has never been this great to create a nation that will stand like a beacon on the hill for our Heroes in the Watchtower.

Superman was sent here from Krypton to save us from our sinsiters. Is it too much to ask that we give Him something back in return? I think not.

The time to kneel before the Martian Manhunter is at hand, people. If we stand together and follow His path, we will all be saved.

Here's What We Can Do

The Elders received the following letter via subspace:

Dear Reverend High Priest,

I'm really excited to report that people are lining up at our local theater to see the wisdom and experience the love that the Batman has to offer humanity. The people of my community are excited about the Dark Knight and they may be willing to surrender themselves at last.

A chance has appeared upon the horizon for us to bring this nation back to its DC Comics roots. People's lives are filled with despair and this just might be the best time for us to teach them about the salvation the JLA has to offer.

Is there anything we can do to help bring all these people who were raised in the Legion of Doom's secular schools into the light so they may understand that Batman and His friends in the Justice League are not just made up superheroes, but guardians of all things right who have a plan for us to follow?

Signed,
Alfred's Brigade to Liberate Humanity from the Joker

Our response:

Dear Brigade,

We thank the Martian Manhunter that people like you are out trying to make people see that the Hall of Justice awaits those who keep Batman and Robin in their hearts 24/7.

To answer your question, there are things you can do to help people see that the Justice League loves them and wants them to spend the afterlife in their grace.

First, don't be afraid to take a few copies of the Batman Chronicles to your local movie theater. Share passages from the scriptures with them and don't be afraid to beat on the cover with your fist when your warning them about an afterlife full of misery in Arkham Asylum if they refuse to hear the Word. There are worse things you can be in this world besides a DC Comic Book thumper.

Second, you should take the excitement surrounding his movie of righteousness and put it to work at your local school boards, city halls, and county commissions. Our public officials need to see that we aren't just concerned about the Joker's and his influence over our children, but Gorilla Grodd, the Cheetah, Black Manta, and Sinestros' too. Allowing kids to play football with the color yellow on their jerseys is paramount to child abuse. How they supposed to enjoy the Green Lantern's protection with this evil color surrounding them out on the field?

Lastly, we need to take the fanaticism surrounding this new found love for the Batman and put it to work in the voting booths. That way we can oust all these moral relativist liberals who stand in the way of a public inquisition so that may weed out all of the Legion of Doom sympathizors from our society. These people are responsible for this nation's decline and it is time we called on it. When America was devoted to Superman, we didn't have all these problems. Back when kids cherished their Flash comic books, gas was under a dollar a gallon. Simple logic tells us what went wrong, people.

Remember, the First Amendment doesn't separate religion and state, it simply prohibits the establishment of a national one. There is nothing in the First Amendment that says we can't scare the shit out children everyday with stories about the Riddler and Bizarro Superman. There is nothing in there that says we can't force them to kneel down before the Justice League of America before they start class every morning.

Now is the time for us to bring this country back to it's DC roots and praise Wonder Woman as a nation so that America may be once again restored to its glory.

The Dark Knight

I remember when The Passion of the Christ came out on the big screen. I was thinking that this nation was truly lost. I mean here was this big revival taking place over some guy who didn't have a cool car or a cave from which to solve crimes.

Perhaps I was wrong afterall.

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 7

It's time for people to realize that we have the answers that the others don't. The facts are simple- we're right and you're wrong and you really need to just face it, unless you want to spend eternity writhing in pain within the walls of Arkham Asylum.

I mean listen, we aren't narrow-minded bigots. We just don't tolerate anyone who disagrees with us. People who want to believe differently than we do have every right to live and breath- just so long as they do it somewhere else. People use the word fundamentalist like it's a bad thing. But when you have the answers to everything that matters while they don't, why should you suffer their presence. People who don't believe that every word from the DC scriptures is literal truth are blights on the body of the JLA.

I tell you, folks. If loving the Batman is wrong, we don't want to be right.

Some people think that DC Comics are just comic books published for the entertainment of children, but they are much more than that. The DC Scriptures have laid out a path for you to follow, if you want to join your Heroes in the Hall of Justice.

In this world that is filled with Sinestro Corps sympathizers and Legion of Doom influences, one church stands out like a beacon on a hill for people who love righteousness and the pursuit of justice. That church is the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. All other churches just follow some god with no heat vision and chase abstract notions that won't bring you any closer to the Truth.

Isn't it time you heed the call of the Watchtower and embraced the love and wisdom that is offered to us daily by the Martian Manhunter?