Hymns for the DC Comictician and Star Trekiologist

The Elders have charged me with finding and/or creating hymns to celebrate our love for the Justice League of America; hymns to declare our obedience and search for knowledge through the only real Superheroes in this dimension and others.

Let us start by learning the words to this hymn so that we may offer praise to Batman, Robin, and Batgirl. It may take some time to remember the lyrics to this particular hymn, but as Hourman would undoubtedly remind us, we have the time.

Glory be.

Let us stand, join hands, and sing the following praise together!



Now we just need to find someone to play the organ.


Tags:
Church Hymns, Praise, Revival, Celebration

A Prayer For Perseverance: Captain James T. Kirk

Let us pray.


Dear Captain Kirk,

Please be with us as we explore strange new worlds to seek out new life and new civilizations.

Help us to endure the hardships of this galaxy. Let us not stumble before the Dominion or the Borg. Give us the strength to command our lives the way you so aptly commanded the Starship Enterprise.

And please, Captain, grant us the ability to forgive our enemies; the way you chose to forgive the Klingons and usher in a new era of peace for the United Federation of Planets.

We ask that our public schools begin to acknowledge your wisdom and start teaching our children of your heroism and discoveries. We pray that you will guide our leaders and help them to know when to fire phasers on those who would choose not to believe in your authority and your grace.

Captain, we thank you for all you've done to defend our galaxy and preserve our way of life. In your shadow, we roam the Alpha Quadrant in the everlasting search for meaning and for Mr. Spock.

In the name of intergalactic peace and interstellar law we pray to you,

Amen


Tags:
Captain Kirk, Star Trek, Prayer, Perseverance, United Federation of Planets

This and other wonderful and inspirational pictures of our Holy Starfleet Captain, James T. Kirk, can also be seen at Juanuhcis' Way

How to Battle Human Nature and the Original Sinister

The DC scriptures have so many things to teach us. Not only do our Heroes from the Justice League of America defend us against evil, they also instruct us on how to live our lives.

We were all born with the Original Sinister. It's unavoidable. We were kicked out of Metropolis and Gotham and ever since; each of us was born with the desire to don gaudy costumes and reek havoc upon the world. From the very first time we open our eyes, we are plotting to steal precious jewelry and museum artifacts.

The Legion of Doom knows this. They know we susceptible to temptation. They know that in our hearts we are arch-criminals. That is why Gorilla Grodd hits us with his mind beams causing us to do bad things and read Marvel Comics. That is why Lex Luthor spends millions of dollars creating an atmosphere of crime and evil in a world where people line up around the block to see blasphemous X-Men movies and watch false prophesies from The Fantastic Four, Rise of the Silver Surfer. The Legion loves blasphemy. They love crime. They love evil.

And so I say unto the Legion of Doom, Be Gone!

Be Gone, Riddler! Be Gone, Toyman! Be Gone, Killer Frost! Take thy evil from us and return to your swamp!

We shall not be tempted by your charm and your promise of world domination. We shall not waver. No! We shall not follow you down the path to Arkham Asylum. We shall defend ourselves with the Word.

For Superman saith unto the people, In the aftermath...I consider how closely we had veered toward utter disaster. (Trinity, Page 194-195: Frame 1)

And Wonder Woman tells us, I may never know who it was that came so close to destroying all that I hold dear. I am comforted to know that I now have comrades who would do anything to prevent that. (Trinity, Page 194-195: Frame 2)

Our Heroes truly love us. They hold us dear. They would sacrifice everything to save us from Darkseid, Bizzaro, Star Sapphire, and the most deadly enemy of all: ourselves.

The scriptures also tell us about the Batman.

He has no doubt that Ra's Al Ghul will someday surface to trouble him again. It has happened before. And so he continues the fight...for justice. (Trinity, Page 194-195: Frame 3)

Indeed Ra's Al Ghul will surface again for Ra's Al Ghul exists within all of us. Batman is a patient Hero, but he will not wait forever. Neither will Wonder Woman or Superman. We must resist the urge to become henchmen for the Joker and become Wonder Woman's comrades instead.

Superman tells us, "Part of me regrets the monster's pain. Even as the farm boy in me recongizes... a mad beast that must be put down." (Trinity, Page 190: Frame 1)

We must be ever so careful not become those mad beasts who would deny the power and love that is bestowed upon us by the JLA. Every time we peep into a Marvel comic book or turn on the television to watch Anime, we become like those mad beasts. This brings us one step closer to robbing that jewelry store that we've all been planning to knock over since we were cut from the umbilical cord.

The Truth is so simple and so plain. We must bring this nation back to the DC Comics values upon which it is founded. We must start placing our comic books back in the courthouses and force our public schools to pray everyday to the Justice League and put Superman's picture back on the walls. And we must do this before the real trinity: Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman decide we're all mad beasts and potential Ra's Al Ghuls and abandon us forever.

Tags:
Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Trinity, Original Sinister

It's Rerun Season

Okay, friends, you may have noticed some old posts getting bumped up in the place of new ones.

We here at the First Church are extremely busy right now translating the original word of Batgirl and deciphering coded messages from Starfleet Command that they don't want intercepted by the Romulans.

But to ensure that we are still out there spreading Batman and Captain Kirk's love for humanity, we'll be reposting some of our more popular praises that have helped bring so many mere mortals over into the light- which can only come from Star Trek and DC Comics.

Be back soon to let you all know who's saved and who's going straight to Arkham.

What Does the Bible Really Teach Us?

Yesterday some Christians came to my house and gave me a new comic book called "What Does the Bible Really Teach?"

I flipped through it to see if there might be some cool pictures of battles between the Jesus superhero and that villain they call Satan. Just as I thought there were none. Which only confirms what I already believed- that Jesus has no real superpowers and Satan is about as threatening as a dandelion under the mowing deck of a tractor.

Seriously, when I open up a comic book I want to see something or someone evil getting their teeth knocked out. Is this getting to be too much to ask in this day and age? Apparently so.

I found this comic book to be extremely confusing. They talk about their major hero called God and then they switch to the name Jehovah. Now, I thought maybe the God hero may have been taken over by an evil parasite similar to Parallax, who has been known to steal the bodies of the Green Lanterns, but as it turns out Jehovah is this God superhero's real name. Why didn't they just say so in the first place?

Then I got about as far as page ten when I came across this:

"So God is never the source of the wickedness you see in the world around you. Granted, he does allow bad things to happen. But there is a big difference between allowing something to happen and causing it."

Oh, how convenient. This is like saying that Superman didn't create Brainiac; therefore he shouldn't bother trying to stop him from taking over our planet. What kind of superhero is that?

Page eleven:

"Well, the Bible teaches us that God is a "lover of justice". So he cares deeply about what is right and what is wrong. He hates all kinds of injustice."

And yet, he hasn't registered as a member of the Justice League or even applied to get into Starfleet Academy- I suppose if he allows the Borg to assimilate the entire human race he's not responsible because he didn't cause the Borg to come here from the Delta Quadrant. Color me skeptical.

It's a damn good thing that we have Supergirl, Black Canary, the Green Arrow, Mr. Spock, and Captain Kathryn Janeway to protect us against those who hate us because we elect our representatives and seek to destroy our way of life. Because from everything I can tell, these superheros called God and Jesus aren't going to do a damn thing when the Legion of Doom decides to wave their flag over top of the White House, except maybe hang their Ten Commandments somewhere near the flagpole.

Tags:
God, Jehovah, Ten Commandments, The Bible, Satan

Those Who Haven't Heard of the JLA

Friends,

We had a very special service the other day. People were alive with the Justice League. Songs of praise to the Flash filled the air. The Martian Manhunter's spirit was present. Everyone left with firm conviction and a renewed drive to stop the Legion of Doom at all costs.

This week, we tested our faith by passing deadly spiders around the room. Only five people died and those who were bitten and did survive didn't start shooting webs from their palms or show any sort of ability to climb walls, thus proving once again that Marvel teaches false doctrine.

But after we removed the bodies and began to clean the church up, some children whose hearts were filled with the Green Lantern's light asked me:

"Reverend High Priest, we know that everything you say is True and that the Elders' wisdom supersedes that of everyone but our Heroes themselves. We were wondering. If a child is raised on Marvel Comics and their parents never teach them about the DC Comics Truth, will they have to go to Arkham Asylum? Or will the Justice League have mercy and let them enter the Hall of Justice?"

So I answered,

"Children, first of all it isn't up to us to decide who goes to Arkham and who goes to the Hall of Justice. Krypto, the Superdog, will have a list at the Golden Gate. Those whose hearts are full with the wisdom of Superman and lips are filled with the good word of Batgirl, will be allowed to enter.

"Secondly, everyone will hear of Batman at some point in their lives. After they hear his almighty name, they will have a choice. They can follow the righteousness laid out for us by the only True Superheroes or they can continue to follow those who would call themselves the X-Men who really have no superpowers, but think they do because they took too much acid in the 60's. It is after that choice is made that the JLA begins keeping a log containing all their good deeds and all their sinisters.

"So if a child passes before she gets a chance to hear about the wondrous ways of the Elongated Man, chances are Krypto, the Superdog, will allow them to see the Hall of Justice. But if she has heard of Wonder Woman and ignores Her divinity in favor of the Iron Man, well, I'm afraid that Arkham may be the solution to the problem."

The children thanked me and ran home to prepare their daily prayers to the Watchtower, which won't be allowed in our hedonistic, secular humanist public schools thanks to all those liberal activist judges who refuse to allow Batman's teachings in the classroom.

It is not too late for anyone to step into the light, lest doctors wrap your soul in a straight jacket and haul you off in an ambulance to Arkham while you're kicking and screaming in vain.


Tags:
JLA, Super Dog, Children, The Green Lantern's Might, Arkham