DC Comictician on Star Trekiology

Sad State of the Economy

2010-10-12T18:41:00.005-04:00

For the past few months, people from our flock have been saying:

"Reverend D, we know that your knowledge surpasses that of most mortals and that every word which flows from your mouth is blessed with the unquestionable and absolute Truth. Can you tell us why the American economy is in such shambles? Why have the Justice League and Starfleet Command forsaken us?"

The JLA and Starfleet Command do love us. But when we took Batman's name out of our textbooks and His picture off the classroom walls, kids started thinking it was OK to dress up like clowns and terrorize cities with dangerous toys. We lost our moral base and now we're paying the price.

However, I think the biggest problem we face is all these greedy workers who expect to get paid for their work. They're so selfish they demand things like five minute breaks and a lunch. They foolishly think they're entitled to a few days off throughout year and refuse 36 hour shifts like all good workers should. If they can't make it thirty six hours then they need to just fall asleep and fall over into the vat and die so someone else can have a job. Take the Jem'Hadar, the most feared soldiers in the Dominion. They don't require sleep or food or breaks. Plus, they die on command without wasting time asking the boss stupid questions.

We need to stay competitive if we're going to survive. The sooner we institute 36 to 48 hour shifts, get rid of minimum wage, and gut all safety regulations, the sooner our economy will recover. We need big, fat, rich white guys to suck up all the nation's wealth and unless that happens we all lose.

US Senate Race: West Virginia 2010

2010-10-09T19:09:00.007-04:00

We have heard some disturbing news that there are some people here in the state of West Virginia are thinking about voting for Mountain Party candidate, Jesse Johnson instead of one of the two fine major party candidates, John Raese (R) and Joe Manchin (D), for the US Senate.

This reminds us of some people tend to follow the teachings of Spawn instead of choosing to adhere to the beliefs of one of the two only serious comic book publishers, DC and Marvel.

Friends, we need to look at the facts here. Raese and Manchin are men of the people. It's not like these guys were born with silver spoons in their mouths and never had to work a day in their lives. Hell, everybody knows the last name Manchin hardly has any political clout in Charleston. And Raese, well, we all know he has almost as much in common with working people as Leona Helmsy or Warren Buffet. Not like we're supporting some new aristocracy with these two men or anything.

So let's get serious people. Come on.

The Proper Way to End Prayers (Amended)

2010-09-30T12:24:00.003-04:00

We have been asked repeatedly over the past several months why we have chosen to remove the word "A-men" from our prayers.

Well, folks, upon intense study and debate by the Intergalactic Board of Elders and the Deacons from various sectors of the quadrant we have decided that to use "A-men" to end a prayer excludes the thousands of other humanoid races which the Prophet Gene Roddenberry has described for us in the scriptures.

So in order to satisfy the needs of the multitude and make this world a better place we have chosen to end all prayers with "A-Klingon" instead of "A-men".

And so it shall come to pass.

Election 2010

2010-09-29T19:22:00.004-04:00

Another election year is upon us and many friends of the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets are asking us how we think they should vote.

It's easy to get excited as the time to choose our leaders is at hand. Especially here in West Virginia where two of the most selfless candidates in the race, Joe Manchin and John Raese, vie for a seat in the US Senate. Truly, these two upstanding citizens who worked so hard to pull themselves up by their bootstraps are men of people.

But it is important to not get too carried away with inspiring candidates like these who do so much more than give themselves pay raises and remember our Heroes in the Hall of Justice and what they crave for humanity.

Turn with me please to the Batman Chronicles Volume 2 No. 43 Frame 49:

For Robin saith unto the Bat, "Our plan is working! The people are beginning to laugh at Greer's men".

And Batman replied, "Good! I knew they would lose fear once those hoodlums were made to look like fools. Now we're ready!"

The Dynamic Duo understands politics far better than the average mortal and it is important to carry Their Word with you wherever you go- even when you head into the election booths.

Vote death penalty, small government, major military spending, Uzis for everyone, bailouts for Wall Street only, and tax cuts on the wealthy. If you read every word from every DC Comic Book from Superman to Booster Gold, you'll see what we're saying is true.

Still Fighting the Infinite Crisis

2010-09-26T15:48:00.010-04:00

Friends,

I want you to stop for minute and think. Think back to a long time ago- all the way back to 2007. Life was glorious in those days. There was no unemployment, no crime, no wars. The US economy was booming and everything just felt like it was going to be alright.

Then the Legion of Doom put their heads together and got the Black Manta's friend, Barack Obama, elected to office. Within two months our robust economy collapsed and unemployment soared. A hole formed in the ozone. A socialist healthcare bill that would make the entire Borg Collective blush got passed. Wars started up in Iraq and Afghanistan. Then there was 9-11 (well 9-11 actually happened in 2001, but we think Obama had a hand in that too. The Star Trek scriptures teach us that time travel is possible).

So let's take a look at this Legion of Doom ally and Borg sympathizer:

1) The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets has yet to see Barack Obama's birth certificate.

Now, many of those fans of the comic book called the Holy Bible claim that Obama was born in Kenya. We here at the First Church think it's much worse than that. We believe President Obama is hiding his birth certificate from the public because he was actually part of a cloning experiment on the planet Romulus. Just like the scriptures teach us that the Romulans tried cloning Captain Jean Luc Picard, we feel that Barack Obama could very well be a botched up attempt at cloning Captain Benjamin Sisko from the Deep Space Nine scriptures. They more than likely sent this clone back in time from the 24th century to wreak havoc on humanity. If you think about it, it makes sense. Plus no one can prove we're wrong.

2) Obama's determination to cooperate with other nations has weakened us in the face of our enemies.

Just like former ambassador John Bolton pointed out after his speech at the UN, Barack Obama is making us look like fools. And Bolton would know. All those years he spent illegally helping the fair, peace-loving Contras in Nicaragua battle the evil, war-monering hoards in the Sandinista government gives him special clairvoyance when it comes to international affairs.

3) The president's failure to use stimulus money to build new starbases along the Neutral Zone proves he isn't serious about our economy.

There is only one reason we can think of that would cause the Obama to overlook this badly needed addition to our infrastructure and that's that the president has stacked his administration with Borg sympathizers who want us to be weak when the Collective invades our planet in the year 2365. The facts here are plain for anyone who bothers to think about it.

4) Allowing Bush's tax cuts on our nation's wealthiest to expire proves that Barack Obama wants America to fail.

If there is anything we try to teach you here at this church, it's that the needs of top 1% of the country's income bracket is far more important than those of the other 99%. Half this nation could starve to death, but if even just one of America's most privileged children doesn't get a yacht for Christmas, then folks, we as a nation have failed.

You see, it's very important that we rally our voters at election time so that we can stop this Romulan cloned Borg collaborator before it's too late. The very safety of the multiverse hangs in the balance.

Return from the Other Side

2010-09-25T22:15:00.010-04:00

It has been a little over a year since a beam out accident at one of our houses of worship caused my disappearance. And upon my return what do I see? The world- still a cesspool filled with evil, blasphemy, sinisters, Marvel Comics, and a fall TV lineup that doesn't bother to include any new revelations from the Five Pillars of Star Trek.

But, friends, I didn't just come back here to tell you how you're all doomed and probably headed straight for Arkham Asylum. No. There are a few events which have forced me to return and point my finger at everything which is wrong and unrighteous. You see unlike Fox News, we report and we decide. And unless you fathom the thought of having your arms and legs ripped off to be replaced with Borg technology you best fall in line.

Afterall, we have the 2010 elections coming up. Everyone knows that President Barack Obama has destroyed everything of value within two years and singlehandedly torn down the entire American economy. But instead of trying to right all these wrongs people have chosen to nominate people like Christine O'Donnell who foolishly believe all our problems can be solved by this guy named God who has no heat ray vision and his long haired son who has never logged in any time as a starship commander. She may be on target about masturbation being one of the most serious problems we're facing today, but she has admitted being involved with witchcraft which means her morals are probably closer to those of Silver Banshee rather than the Truth which can only be found within the Word of Superman.

Let us turn to the Batman Chronicles, Volume 1 Chapter 36 Frame 25:

An electrical engineer disappears... an unusual fog covers the city.... the first names on the little book's list are robbed and a dying man utters the sinister name of Professor Hugo Strange.

You see. I think it's obvious the Caped Crusader is trying to tell us that we cannot repeal those tax cuts on the rich without turning our public schools into a hotbed for Legion of Doom activity.

Hawkgirl is always watching you and She knows what you're doing. Be very careful about what you do in these upcoming days. We'll be here every Wednesday night and Sunday morning until courthouses start getting serious about fighting crime again by putting up the Batsignal above all public buildings.

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo: ? to September 16, 2009

2009-09-16T18:35:00.008-04:00

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo has passed from Sector 001 and was beamed aboard the Enterprise E to be with his Starfleet Captain Jean Luc Picard earlier this morning.

The Reverend D. was born to a thick fog and his father remained unknown. He devoted his life to bringing the word of the Justice League and Starfleet Command to the masses and was ardent supporter of putting Batman and Captain James T. Kirk back in the classroom. Drinkmo was the head of a faith known as the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets.

Elvis D. lead a life of strict piety and devoted his every moment to warning people about the Marvel biased media and spreading the good news of Batgirl (except when he was caught partying down with Emma Frost and Elektra, doing lines of ketracel white and watching Stargate Atlantis- for which the Reverend had repented publicly on several occasions).

Before he left us, he wanted his followers to continue his struggle to stop raising taxes on America's most wealthy people to spend on foolish things like food for children and universal healthcare. As he took his final breaths, he warned people of the evils of Borg Collectivism and the rising influence the Black Manta and the Legion of Doom have been exercising on the nation through their best friend in the white house.

He is survived by two half-brothers: The Mothman of Point Pleasant, WVa, Pumpkinhead of Clay, WVa, cousins Batboy of Pittsburgh, PA and the Crypt Keeper of some unknown planet of the Alpha Quadrant. He was preceded in death by his uncle, The Creature From the Black Lagoon, whose extremist, right-wing political views influenced many of his beliefs.

The Intergalactic Board of Elders will hold a service on Risa at 10:00 AM September 30th at the Lieutenant Commander Worf Sanctuary representing the First Deacons for Hawkgirl.

Update:

The Elders have contacted the Guardians of Oa who spoke with Elvis Drinkmo through an multidimensional communication device and he has granted you all permission to visit this commie's blog:

F**ked Up World

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of United Federation of Planets Speaks

2009-08-27T20:43:00.009-04:00

Good Evening Friends,

I know it's been some time since our last sermon. Certain events have kept us away such as the varying interpretations of the latest book of Star Trek.

Millions people have flocked to our church halls and asked me and the Intergalactic Board of Elders the same question, "Reverend of Highest Truthes and Elders of All Eternal Knowledges, what does the complete destruction of Vulcan mean to our faith? Does this mean that the Vulcans aren't going to rescue us after we launch a great nuclear holocaust to wipe out all the infidels and Stargate Atlantis fans?"

Our answer remains the same and we speak with one voice channeled through Lieutenant Uhura in the Almighty Name of Starfleet. The Prophet JJ Abrams isn't teaching about the annihilation of Vulcan, he's teaching us about the annihilation of common decency here in the United States. Take the healthcare debate for example. Instead of being quiet about being sick and just
curling up in the corner to die, people want the Borg Collective to get a solid foothold in the Alpha Quadrant by passing some sort of universal healthcare bill. Few people are aware that the President and his Borg sympathizing allies in congress want to set up what we call "assimilation panels" to decide whether people are too sick to heal and those people deemed unhealthy will be traded off to the Borg in exchange for technology. People who think we're being paranoid about this devastating new threat will think twice when their wheelchairs are traded in for an alcove and a robotic eyepiece.

So friends, the time for vigilance is now. If the Borg is allowed to rule this country through the White House, there won't be any Captain Kirk at all. Just a planet full of automatons, who put un-American ideals like equality and civil liberties above safety, morals, and the right to hoard more money than you'll ever need in five lifetimes.

So saith Our Holy Starfleet Captains.

Word to All Supervillains: Leave Our State, We Have a Superhero Protecting Us in Charleston

2009-07-10T12:59:00.011-04:00

It's a great day to be a West Virginian. Don't worry about the economy that's crashing down harder than an fully loaded atom bomb- just go starve to death quietly and be grateful you had food to eat up until now. Others aren't so fortunate.

What's exciting is that we have a governor who is willing to challenge crime head on and call criminals out as if he were the incarnation of the Batman himself. Any day now Joe Manchin is going to tear open his shirt and show us that he is, in fact, the New Man of Steal- oops, I mean "Steel".

This comes from the Charleston Daily Mail:

Gov. Joe Manchin has a message for drug dealers: Get out of West Virginia and don't come back.

Manchin kicked off a statewide crackdown called "Operation Eviction'' on Thursday in Huntington.

The governor says state and local authorities will do whatever it takes to rid the state of drug dealers.

Manchin has asked Military Affairs and Public Safety Secretary Jim Spears to research the legality of hard labor as punishment. The governor says he expects to hear constitutional concerns but he wants punishment that will make drug dealers wish they never came to the state.

That's right, punks. You're going back to where you came from.

Finally, after years of liberals in Charleston pandering to the Joker and the Legion of Doom we have a governor who isn't going to take it anymore, a man who will stand up against the scum, the filth. A man who will send Darkseid back to Apokolips, Bizzaro Superman back to Bizarro World, and drug dealers back the island of Drugdealerousistan.

All Praise Be to Hawkgirl for this brave man under the gold capitol dome who isn't afraid to challenge evil wherever it stalks the innocent.

Beware criminals, Governor Manchin has his eye on you and it's only a matter of time before that eye starts shooting heat-ray vision.

What Really Fuels the Violence

2009-06-12T23:52:00.007-04:00

Rush Limbaugh recently blamed the American left for the violence at the Holocaust Museum.

"Very predictably, ladies and gentlemen, the media, the American left is trying to score some political points as a result of this tragedy at the Holocaust Museum in Washington yesterday, and as predictable, they are trying to blame this on me, other conservatives and right-wingers. It's the traditional approach taken by the American left. The facts of the case, however, are such that if we want start assigning blame for this beyond this nutcase Jew hater, and notice that very few people actually want to do that. They want to claim this guy didn't have the ability to act on his own. He only could act if he was inspired by somebody. Well, who did he hate? He hated both Bushes. He hated neocons. He hated John McCain. He hated Republicans. He hated Jews as well. He believes in an inside job conspiracy of 9/11. This guy is a leftist, if anything. This guy's beliefs, this guy's hate stems from influence that you find on the left, not on the right."

Paul Krugman disagrees and says it's the fault of the American right.

"But with the murder of Dr. George Tiller by an anti-abortion fanatic, closely followed by a shooting by a white supremacist at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, the analysis looks prescient. There is, however, one important thing that the D.H.S. report didn’t say: Today, as in the early years of the Clinton administration but to an even greater extent, right-wing extremism is being systematically fed by the conservative media and political establishment."

But we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician understand what drives these wanton acts of violence. And no, it isn't that some people are mentally disturbed, unbalanced and have distorted views that come mostly from within their own minds. We know that these displays of horrendous violence are caused solely by the publication of Marvel Comics.

Think about it. You've got the Incredible Hulk who turns all green and explodes out his clothes wreaking havoc on everybody. The Punisher goes on rampages blowing up everything in sight. No one ever seems to know if Ghost Rider is possessed by some evil spirit or if he's a real superhero. Spiderman's got that evil alter ego named Venom and how's anyone to know which is which?

It's no wonder that perfectly sane people pick up a copies of these comic books and go out on a shooting a rampage. If they had stuck with Superman and the Green Lantern, they would undoubtedly be productive citizens doing harmless things like running major corporations, getting kickbacks and bonuses based on the number of people they layoff and families they toss out into the streets.

It's simple logic. If more people stuck with DC Comics instead of delving into the abyss as presented by Marvel, our society would be completely free from all insanity and all forms of random violent crimes.

Borg Collectivism Seems Neverending

2009-05-22T07:10:00.006-04:00

Everybody knows that unfettered and reckless capitalism is the only economic system ordained by the Justice League. It's the only economic system that works and the proof lies with the booming, robust economy we're experiencing here in the U.S. today.

Yet Americans were content to send a Legion of Doom sympathizer to the White House this past November. The fact that Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama sat in church beside the Black Manta while they all plotted the overthrow of the blond-haired, blue-eyed Aquaman and sought to destroy the underwater city of Atlantis never deterred the voters. So this is what we get: regulation on the credit card industry.

I've been listening to AM radio lately and agree with such brilliant investigators as Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck. Americans are outraged at the thought of a credit card company not being allowed to jack up interest rates on them when they aren't looking. It's been a fun surprise when you open your your mail every month, trying to guess whether your rate is going to be 12% or a more reasonable 28%. It's alot more exciting than those boring old traditional banks who are confined to a mere 2% increase over a limited period of
And Americans love the idea of paying hidden fees for being one day late with their minimum payment. It's like you're Dale Earnhart Jr. at Pocono- racing to get those payments in because you received the bill on Monday and it happens to be due by Friday. Exciting. The majority of Americans also feel "over-the-limit" and "pay-by-phone" fees are like contributions to one of the most important issues facing us today: making sure that all American CEO's can afford to buy eight more homes since six isn't never is enough and each one of those needs a swimming pool and a fully staffed cleaning service. If these goals aren't achieved, America fails; we all fail.

So now the Borg Collectivists have taken all that joy away from us making sure that credit card card companies have some sort of standard by which to operate. It's an outrage and everyone should be mad as hell.

I'm sure folks like Hannity and Beck as well as Rush Limbaugh would agree that this is one of the many first steps toward people being lined up outside Borg labor camps and having a their eyeballs, legs, and arms removed and replaced with cybernetic technology from the Delta Quadrant. I'd go on TV and cry like a baby if they'd let me. Because I love my country and it hurts me deeply to see the Borg and the Legion of Doom take away all that we've worked for by making this country free and prosperous for about 1% of the population.

A Run for the Presidency?

2009-05-20T09:05:00.004-04:00

It's been a busy time for the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation Planets.

First, we organized a worldwide effort encouraging everyone to pray to the Flash so that He might stop the Weather Wizard from dropping anymore rain on West Virginia. As you know, flooding isn't caused by runoff from strip mining, tearing down trees, or placing Walmarts and shopping malls and huge parking lots within ten to fifteen miles of each other. No. Heavy rain and flooding is caused by the either the Legion of Doom or the Rouge's Gallery and it is allowed to happen when a nation fails to follow the Justice League's plan laid out for us in DC Comics. Well, our prayers were answered and the Flash did stop the Weather Wizard. So thanks to the First Church, we can now enjoy sunny days until our next crisis of faith.

Second, we're preparing once again for an attempt at launching a youth Batman Camp. This would be a wonderful place to brainwash the children and get them to understand that there are two horrible things in this world: abortion and Marvel Comics. Unfortunately, we're running into some legal problems once again because our lawyers tell that our insurance policy won't cover accidents that involve climbing twelve story buildings with the use of a batgrapple and rope. But we're still working on it.

Third, we have launched an exploratory committee into a possible run for the presidency in 2012. My platform would be very simple: eliminate taxes on everyone who makes more than $100,000 a year, drug test and blood screen everyone who relies on a public service (like roads, bridges, police protection, and other handouts), cap credit card interest at a reasonable 45%, make prayer in school not just legal- but mandatory, and launch nuclear weapons in any given direction so that we can show the world who's boss and bring the Vulcans to earth a little sooner at the same time.

So we have a few ideas for a running mate: Newt Gingrich, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, or possibly Sean Hannity.

We will be praying to the Martian Manhunter for guidance in these upcoming months.

Don Blankenship Speaks Out on Earth Day

2009-04-24T20:25:00.007-04:00

Don Blankenship loves the earth. Just ask the people who live in central Appalachia how much of that love they feel when rocks and shit come raining down on their houses when Massey gets done dynamiting the top right off another mountain so his company can scoop out all the coal without the burdensome task of having to employ union miners.

Many people were wondering where Blankenship was during all the Earth Day festivities. After we did some investigating, we found that he did address a small gathering to profess his love for knocked down trees, filled in creek beds, and coal sludge in everybody's water supply.

Today, we're going to publish that speech. We aren't sure if he actually wrote it himself, but the just so folks he was addressing could understand what he was saying, it was translated into the gathering's native language. Consequently, the following is written in traditional Klingon:

Qatlh 'a' Parmaq Tera'

'A' parmaq tera' mo' tera' wob law' Huch. tera' 'em Huch. 'A' parmaq Huch.

Hutvagh laH voQ 'egh chaj 'op 'Iwghargh 'et 'un quD 'A' SaH neH jegh cho wogh Huch. 'A' neH je' a qum qoq West Virginia. 'A' jom pI' ngujlep lo'laHbe'ghach WV la'quv bo'DIj meqba' leS 'A' neH naQ pach.
Hoch 'ebmey tIjon.

'A' parmaq Tera. Bang bom DI' jor. nugh be' Hap. nuqneH. Huch. SuvmeH 'ej charghmeH bogh tlhInganpu'. 'ach 'A'. qa' wIje'meH maSuv. tIqIpqu' 'ej nom tIqIp lumbe' tlhInganpu'. tay'taHbe' 'Iw bIQ je. yIn DayajmeH 'oy' yISIQ. 'A' parmaq Huch. bIje'be'chugh vaj bIHegh.

tlhIngan maH!

DaHjaj SuvwI''e' jIH. nej Huch. ghIj qet jaghmeyjaj.

Thank you.

Don Blankenship, Earth Day, West Virginia, Mountaintop Removal

The Part of the Charleston Protest You Didn't See

2009-04-17T14:45:00.007-04:00

This just in.

Church investigators have discovered footage from the Tea Party down in Charleston, West Virginia later that evening which the media has failed to release:

We knew the Legion of Doom was behind this. Now this much is certain. We are also investigating a report presented by faithful church member, JDB, that the Joker and Lex Luthor may have created a sidearm of the Legion of Doom here in West Virginia and are calling it "The Legion of Dumb".

All we can say is that you all need to start praying to the Justice League before it's too late.

(And be sure to check out this tribute to the Tea Party from A Sour Apple Tree)

Hundreds March on Charleston to Show Support for the Mad Hatter and the Legion of Doom

2009-04-16T20:15:00.018-04:00

It's no wonder Lex Luthor chose the Kanawha River to set up a new base for the Legion of Doom. Just look at all these people gathered around the capitol with their tea bags showing support for one of the Batman's most dangerous supervillains, The Mad Hatter.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's wonderful that people are standing up to the Borg Collectivist ideal that we need to stimulate our economy by raising taxes on people who have all they'll ever need and try to create a better country for people who can barely afford to buy gas to get to work. The latter should be bearing the brunt of taxation because if they had worked harder and put more faith in the Justice League they wouldn't be where they are.

We also think the semi-automatic weapon protest sign sends a very positive message about the state of West Virginia. It's a very subtle way of letting everyone know what steps a guy who goes to work every morning wondering if he'll have a job by the end of the week will take if you start messing with the salary of some other guy who makes over $500,000 grand a year laying people off. It's our second amendment right, you know.

There didn't seem to be many black faces in the crowd with means the gathering was free from the sinister influences of Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama, the Black Manta, and their spiritual leader, the Justice League of America-hating Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

Lastly, we're glad this mass protest dealt with something of actual importance like the shame of making millionaires pay their fair share to live in this country instead of protesting something of complete irrelevance like mountaintop removal or building coal silos next to elementary schools. Just so we're clear- we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets love mountains too. But we're smart enough to realize that the Vulcans will someday land in Montana and solve all of our environmental problems. At the very least, we will have holographic mountains so that we can once again appreciate the history behind Blair Mountain after Massey gets done dynamiting and bulldozing it to the ground.

All this being said, however, this church has no choice but to condemn this protest not because of its purpose, but because of the evil symbolism they're using which represents none other than the Mad Hatter. If Glenn Beck and Newt Gingrich want our fine religious establishment to get behind their fight against Borg Collectivism, we suggest they send their people out masked and wearing tights with capes or at least donning official Starfleet uniforms instead. We feel this would further define the seriousness of their crusade against the heinous and diabolical act of taxing wealthy people; the same people most will never even get the chance to caddy for on the golf course.

Tags:
Tea Party, Charleston, Glenn Beck, Republicans, Welfare for the Rich Only, Taxes, West Virginia

Definitions Pt. 1

2009-04-14T19:42:00.033-04:00

Ever since the long lost third son of Abraham, Captain Hezesiah, came down from the mountains to deliver the word of DC Comics and the Five Pillars of Star Trek, millions have come to understand that Batman is Gotham's savior and that only through Starfleet can we find redemption.

Everyday millions more flock to our teachings to learn of how Superman and the Flash can set them free. So we have decided to create this glossary to help people navigate through the only true faith in the Alpha Quadrant.

The Ten Commandments of DC Comics- ten simple ways you can avoid eternal agony and torture within the walls of Arkham Asylum.

The Ten Commandments of Starfleet- ten simple ways you can avoid Borg assimilation before being shipped off to Arkham Asylum for eternal agony and torture.

The Prophet Gene Roddenberry- one of the later prophets after Captain Hezesiah who launched a television series that would contain the literal truth within each and every episode.

Marvel Comics- entertaining comic books filled blasphemy, false heroes, and heresy. For example, Marvel claims that some guy drank a bad glass of green root beer then explodes into a super human when he's angry, but the DC scriptures teach us that the only way one can obtain such super powers in to be born on Krypton or by calling out the word, "Shazam".

The Legion of Doom- the greatest threat to mankind and moral decency. It includes amongst its membership Lex Luthor, Gorilla Grodd, the Cheetah, Toyman, Captain Cold, Bizzaro Superman, Giganta, Star Sapphire, Black Manta, the Riddler, Sinestro, the Scarecrow, the liberal activist judges, Democratic politicians, and the teachers' union.

The Borg Collective- cybernetic humanoids that seek to perfect all races by assimilating people, stealing American jobs, and undermining Federation values by convincing our children to disobey their parents.

The Hall of Justice- a glorious paradise where souls gather round Batman and the JLA and sing praises to their names. In the end it will contain 144,000 DC Comicticians and one Marvelite. Everyone else is pretty well bound for Arkham.

Legion of Doom Sympathizers- members of our local school boards, congressional leaders, state and local officials, the media, Hollywood stars, and everybody else who rather see our children kneeling before the Black Manta instead of patiently studying up on the sacrifices Aquaman has made for us all.

Borg Operatives- agents recruited by the Borg to create a safe haven for the Collective in Sector 001 by passing Borg friendly legislation, influencing people with Borg ideals, and spreading Borg propaganda throughout the United States of America. Senator Joe McCarthy was just about to expose these agents back in the 195os before he got sidetracked nailing commies at which point he was brought down before he could let Americans everywhere know that the Borg had infiltrated the military, our schools, labor unions, and governmental institutions.

We've decided to resurrect some of Senator McCarthy's vigilance and here are a few of the more recent people from the global scene we've exposed for collaborating with the Borg and attempting to advance the Collective's agenda:

The Five Pillars of Star Trek- Star Trek: The Orginal Series, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise. Each episode of each series contains the literal truth which cannot be questioned.

Orthodox Trekiologists- a small sect of Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets who don't believe that Captain Picard was in command of the Starship Enterprise. They believe that no Starfleet Captains came after Captain Kirk and Captain Pike and are still waiting for the next Captain to board the starship and deliver us from the Borg.

David Marcus- Captain James T. Kirk's only begotten son who was sacrificed to the Klingons and died for our sinisters.

Possum- food you commoners have been ordered by this High Priest to eat at least once every Friday in accordance with Fatwa #11.

We hope that you will become acquainted with these terms and concepts. If you don't, well, you better get used to saying the words "your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own......" in unison with the rest of your commie friends aboard the nearest Borg cube.

Fatwa #12: On the Easter Bunny

2009-04-12T19:18:00.008-04:00

Ever since my grandson turned 1, I have tried to teach him about the ways of the Batman and have told him repeatedly that spider bites don't give people super powers. I let him know about the Green Lantern Corps and their fight against evil and that the X-Men were a bunch of groupies hanging around with some old guy who did too much LSD in the 60's.

But in a blatant attempt to undermine the DC morals upon which this great nation was founded, the Easter Bunny has been delivering baskets like the one seen to your left and they're filled with dangerous propaganda.

So, it has come down to this:

Fatwa #12

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets hereby orders the arrest and detention of the Easter Bunny for distributing blasphemous literature and heresy against the teachings of the only religion that is true.

We understand that bunny rabbits are among the most deadly animals on the planet, but this rabbit won't just eat all your green bean plants- he will also spread lies which will buy your children a one way ticket to Arkham Asylum.

All Praise Be to Star Man for bestowing the leadership of this church with such a profound sense of morality that should be imposed on the rest of the planet.

Update:

Because of the generosity bestowed upon the masses by the leaders of this fine religious establishment, we have heard the pleas of mercy from Buzzard Billy and have decided to exclude all West Virginian Easter Bunnies from this order.

Lost: America's Moral Compass

2009-04-11T14:19:00.010-04:00

If it isn't bad enough that our nation has succumb to Borg Collectivism, now the leaders of this church believe the opposition has also been co-opted by the Legion of Doom.

But let's not get ahead ourselves.

We start with some recent events that have spelled disaster for this great nation. First, the country elects Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama. Nevermind all those ridiculous distractions like the economy and a crumbling infrastructure. President Obama reads from cue cards. Can you believe that?! Then after that startling information comes to light, we found out that he bowed before some Saudi Arabian leader in the Middle East. This is devastating. America has never seen such imminent danger.

But we tried to warn you all. People get so worked up about a living wage, they fail to realize that they need to be worrying about a dying wage, in other words what will happen to their souls when they die. The scriptures teach us it is easier for a space station to travel through a collapsing wormhole then it is for a rich man to get into the Hall of Justice (well, unless you're Bruce Wayne or Ollie Queen- and in case you're wondering, you're not). It is better to starve to death and give all your money to millionaire bankers knowing that you have a friend in Plastic Man than it is to demand enough money so you can feed your family and pay for luxuries like heat and a roof over your head only be sent to Arkham Asylum for your insatiable greed.

It used to be that men of the people like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich and Dick Cheney were the lone voices out there trying to stop Borg values from overtaking our society. Now come to find out that these people are now saluting the Mad Hatter, one of Batman's most lethal foes, by throwing tea parties.

I mean we respect the premise of protests about raising taxes on rich people because everybody knows that what's good for the 1% who have everything is good for the other 99% who live paycheck to paycheck. Foolish people judge an economy based on how well the majority of the population is doing, but the wise understand that a good economy is all about some big rich white guy having talcum powder sprinkled over his wide ass next to a swimming pool located on the ranch of his third home. But are these patriots not aware of the threat that the Mad Hatter poses to our children?

What America needs is a Senator like Joe McCarthy. Senator McCarthy knew long before anyone else the Borg were sending operatives to this quadrant to try and quell the power of free market capitalism, which we know is the only system that truly works as made obvious by the booming economy the U.S. is experiencing today. Two days before McCarthy was going to expose all these Borg sympathizors in the highest levels of our society, he was brought down by the Collective's allies in the American Communist Party. The price we paid was dear.

Listen friends, we got to get back to the basics. We need to ban all imagery of supervillains immediately and we need to stop Borg Collectivism before something horrible happens, like credit card companies being unable to charge a reasonable 28% interest on loans. If this madness continues Walmart might actually have to recognize their employees' right to join a labor union. Then they might actually have to compete with other companies and that would be a devastating blow to the natural order- which means socialism for the wealthy and capitalism for everyone else. How fair is that?

Tags:
Tea Party, Economy, Hannity, Values, The Borg, Obama Bows Saudi Arabia, Mad Hatter, Plastic Man, Socialism, Capitalism

Our Response to the New Reformation

2009-04-08T18:05:00.036-04:00

Friends,

We have some grave news. The unthinkable has happened over at A Sour Apple Tree. It appears that the Marquis have infiltrated Chris James' blog and are using it to sound off a massive rebellion against the central teachings of this church and the inherent right of its leaders to tell everyone how to live. We can only assume that Chris is being held hostage somewhere in the Badlands so we will prey for his immediate recovery.

We can only hope that the millions of people across the planet, who have embraced Captain Benjamin Sisko as the Alpha Quadrant's True Savior, will reject the 9.5 Theses and understand that we are the only ones who can get them into the Hall of Justice; they only need pay us vast sums in donations and vote the way we tell them to.

Upon learning of this dangerous new development, the Elders arranged for a meeting in the Bolian Sector (they would have chosen Khitomer, but the Five Pillars of Star Trek teach us that it will be destroyed by the Romulans) to denounce the heretical new Marquis doctrine that dares to question our authority and bountiful wisdom. From this meeting came the Elders' first papal bull.

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo, episcopus servus servorum Batgirl, Exsurge Te Dominion Se,

Arise, O Batman, and judge your own supervillains. Remember your reproaches to those who are filled with the Riddler's foolishness all through the day. Listen to our prayers, for criminals have arisen seeking to destroy the Watchtower and the divinity you and the Justice League of America have bestowed.

Rise, O Captain Pike, and fulfill your High Priest with the bountiful power of the Warp Drive. Give heed to the cause of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, mother of all churches and teacher of the DC Faith, whom you by the order of Starfleet Command, have consecrated by your blood. Against this Church, you warned, false superheroes and non-commissioned officers are rising, introducing ruinous sects, and drawing upon themselves speedy doom. Their tongues are fire, a restless evil, full of Poison Ivy's deadly kisses. They have bitter zeal, contention in their hearts, and boast and lie against the Truth.

We beseech you too, Mr. Terrific, to call upon the members of the Justice Society to come to our aid in this great time of spiritual crisis.

Their talkativeness, unsupported by the authority of the DC Scriptures or the Five Pillars of Star Trek, as Captain Hezesiah said in his personal log, would not win credence unless they appeared to support their perverse doctrine even with divine testimonies however badly interpreted. From their sight fear of the Batman has now passed.

We have decided to address the following errors being proposed by the heretical writings:

1) All green power rings have not been created equal in the eyes of the Guardians of Oa.

2) Denying the treasure of the church lies with Orion and the grace of Morn with no mention of the dangers of the Orion Syndicate or the Romulan Ale served at Quarks'.

3) Through contrition to a priest of the Holy Starfleet Captains and Hawkman alone, a person can come clean of the Original Sinister and that no sinsiters are racked up against souls once they meet Superdog at the gates of the Hall of Justice if such salvation hath been promised.

4) We do not acknowledge the sacrifices made by Admiral Janeway nor understand that avoiding Borg assimilation requires vigilant understanding of the lessons She has tried to teach us.

4.75) This Holy Body of Wonder Woman's Almighty Grace spends more time granting pardons to people found guilty of collaborating with the Legion of Doom, sympathizing with Borg objectives, and reading Marvel Comics then it does preaching of the Martian Manhunter's love for humanity and Starfleet's plan for salvation.

No one of sound mind is unaware of how destructive, pernicious, scandalous, and seductive to pious and simple minds these various errors are. And those who lack sound mind must ultimately be treated by the doctors employed at Arkham Asylum. Are they so opposed to the charity of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets that are they unaware how destructive they are to the vigor of ecclesiastical discipline, namely obedience at election time.

Therefore, it is resolved that we must take the Joker's bag of deadly toys, laughing gas, and dangerous tricks and dump them for all to plainly see. We must take the axe to the trees planted by shape-shifters before they bear fruit and create more dissension in the ranks of the faithful causing people to come to some mistaken conclusion that the leaders of the church, namely the High Priest, aren't always right and that everyone else isn't always wrong.

Therefore let the Marquis themselves and all those adhering to them, and those who shelter and support them, through the merciful heart of Superman and the sprinkling of the commands from Captain Jean Luc Picard by which and through whom the redemption of the human race and the upbuilding of the First Church was accomplished. Know that from our hearts we exhort and beseech that they cease to disturb the peace, unity, truth, and all future U.S. elections.

We enjoin, however, on the Marquis that in the meantime they cease from all preaching or the office of preachers....

Tags:
A Sour Apple Tree, Contrition, Protestant Faith, Salvation, Original Sinister, Batman, Chris James

Why Doesn't the Justice League Solve All Our Problems for Us?

2009-04-05T13:34:00.011-04:00

Greetings friends,

We had another glorious day at service this morning. We loudly sang hymns to the Batgirl (without an organ, of course- because the DC scriptures command us to sing to the JLA without the interference of musical instruments). We then held hands as we thanked the Martian Manhunter for His divine plan.

Filing out of the chapel, our hearts filled with love, we were eying each other for signs that someone might be secretly reading Marvel Comic book heresy. Just then a little girl came up and asked me:

"Reverend of the Righteous Truth and the Almighty, Unquestionable Wisdom,

You have taught us the Justice League is real and that every word from every DC Comic book is the literal truth. So why didn't the Green Lantern stop North Korea from launching their rocket? Does He not recognize that this Asian superpower threatens our very existence as a nation and that we need to wipe them all out before they get as strong as the former Soviet Union? Isn't unlimited and devastating war part of the Martian Manhunter's plan for eternal peace?"

This young child forgot to mention world stability and feeding hungry children through economic sanctions, but she was forgiven so I placed my hand on her shoulder and explained,

"First of all, young lady, you shouldn't be questioning the Green Lantern's motives. He answers to the Guardians of Oa and it is only through continual prayer and extreme masochism that we can influence Their decisions. I understand that you're young, but just like sweatshops in third world countries where they have friendlier dictators- there are no age limits on who will be eternally put to work inside the gates of Arkham Asylum.

"Secondly, we can't expect the JLA to do anything for us unless we do something for ourselves first. A good start would be to show how serious we are about our civil liberties and declare martial law; silencing everyone who dares to deny the wisdom that can be found within each and every DC comic book. Our commitment to freedom must be serious if we are to expect the Green Lantern to come to our rescue.

"And lastly, Americans need to remember that if Kim Jong-Il is scary, wait til they get a load of Sinestro and his corps of intergalactic evil minions. We must prepare ourselves for these wicked hoards by making sure the color yellow is banned from all corners of the planet. If we start getting serious about the threat Sinestro poses to Sector 2814 then perhaps the Green Lantern will become more active in our ongoing struggle with the powerful North Korea."

This young girl thanked me and I responded by immediately putting her name on the list of people suspected of secretly harboring kindred feelings toward the Fantastic Four and their blasphemous teachings.

The moral of the story, friends, is that we must come to understand what the Justice League wants from us if we are to hope they'll respond to what we want from them. Otherwise, they are going to stop fighting crime and leave us all to the Kim Jong-Il, the Legion of Doom, and the Sinestro Corps. And at that point their thirst for unlimited power and destruction will be quenched.

Tags:
Kim Jong Il, Rocket, North Korea, Foreign Policy

Yes, Superman Still Presides Over the State of West Virginia

2009-04-03T19:41:00.036-04:00

Good evening friends,

Turn with me please to the Superman Chronicles I, 64:1

"Friend of the helpless and oppressed is SUPERMAN, a man possessing the strength of a dozen Sampsons! Lifting and rending gigantic weights, vaulting over skyscrapers, racing a bullet, possessing a skin impenetrable to even steel, are his physical assets used in his one-man battle against evil and injustice!"

Now, most people read this passage from the DC scriptures and they understand what it means: cut taxes on the wealthiest Americans, stop all social spending, create more jobs by creating more pollution, and make sure that whatever you do- you vote to protect the protouniverse in the intergalactic womb at all costs.

But when you take another look at this passage, it looks as though the Prophet Jerry Siegal saw into the state of West Virginia's future and predicted the second coming of Superman, himself, in our Dear Leader, Governor Joe Manchin.

Now I know in the past the leaders of this church have accused the governor of collaborating with the Legion of Doom and working to conceal the Black Manta's new base which everyone knows is built along the Kanawha River so that Lex Luthor and Gorilla Grodd can blast their mind beams straight through the gold plated capitol dome and into every single legislative session; hence putting a stop to common sense legislation like banning the sale of Barbie Dolls and drug testing all those shape-shifters posing as laid off Terrans- just so they can draw unemployment off the West Virginian taxpayer.

It's time to put all that behind us and recognize that Governor Manchin isn't just some shiny, bullshitting politician who has made of a life off the system by working hard to be from highly connected political family. No. We now understand that Manchin was sent here to stop crime and balance the state budget on the backs of the people, especially on the backs of the state workers. All he needs is the strength (and the legislative authority) to drum up a new superpower called "the Furlough" then the governor will set things straight.

That's right. Our Dear Leader has shown that he can almost rival Ollie Queen and Bruce Wayne, themselves, by giving himself a $55,000 annual pay raise just before he decides to place a hiring freeze on the state. It's not like West Virginians rely on petty things such as roads, healthy food, environmental protection, economic assistance, quality healthcare, or drivers licenses. And who needs education?

Cleverly, he told the media that he might share any surplus with state employees and teachers so they can foolishly squander it at their nearest Goodwill, but he secretly knows that that money could be better spent on an airplane to carry our $150,000 Governor around the globe to combat sinister deeds and make sure all pseudo-ephedrine is safely locked up behind the pharmacy counter. And it's only a matter of time before his own staff will take their 11% pay raise and put it to use making sure people obtain a doctor's prescription before they can purchase kryptonite. This church understands what he means when he vaguely explains that they're taking on new responsibilities. If he told the press of his real plans, the Legion of Doom would most likely spring from their base off the Kanawha and launch an all assault on our state's decency and morality.

Governor Joe Manchin understands how high the stakes really are and this state will not have a budget until he can clean up West Virginia and deliver our people from the Legion of Doom once and for all! Not even kryptonite can stop the Supergovernor from getting everything he wants with zero accountability.

Tags:
Joe Manchin, Joe Manchin Gets a Raise, State Employees, Furlough, West Virginia, Superman, Legion of Doom, WV State Budget, Economic Crisis, Salary Hikes for Governors, Bankrupt States

(The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets would like to give an extra special thanks to Hoyt from The Donut Buzz for letting us borrow the picture and for consistently staying on top of what a wonderful governor we have here in the Mountain State. You will one day sit at Batman's right hand side, Hoyt.)

Update:

In a rare opportunity to show how humble we are here at The First Church, we must admit that we stand corrected. The Super Gov has explained to the Charleston Gazette: "This is not a hiring freeze. It's responsible government".

We commend the governor once again for demonstrating keen wisdom in his wording. A "hiring freeze" is something a supervillain like Captain Cold or Killer Frost would do. "Responsible government", on the other hand, is carried out by a superpolitician who understands the need to grab a huge pay raise and a new airplane before putting a halt to hiring more ingrates to work for the state.

Confession Weekend

2009-03-27T06:44:00.004-04:00

All this weekend, the Elders and I are giving you all a chance to confess your sinisters.

There's a pretty good chance that most of you are going to Arkham Asylum anyway. However, confession has always been a means of increasing you chances of getting into the Hall of Justice so we are giving you this opportunity to confess to the Justice League and Starfleet Command. We will determine if how bad your sinisters are and if you have any chance for redemption.

So if you've disobeyed any of our commands or ignored our Fatwas we have issued, now's your chance to get it off your chest. If you thought about robbing a bank with the Riddler, if you looked at Marvel Comics when you should have been studying the Batman's wisdom, if you allowed your children to carry Spiderman lunchboxes to school or let them watch Anime or Stargate Atlantis when they should have been in front of the TV studying one of the Five Pillars of Star Trek, if you smoked the Legion of Doom's weed called marijuana or voted for a candidate who doesn't support the right of the protouniverse to survive in the intergalactic womb, now is your chance to confess.

Remember folks, the day is coming. The day when the Vulcans land in Montana and save us all from ourselves. Wouldn't you prefer greeting these logical aliens with a clean slate rather than being sent in an unarmed shuttlecraft to go join the Borg Collective?

The choice is yours, please confess by leaving a comment and let us know whether there is anything we can do for your soul.

Doomsday Prediction?

2009-03-22T22:32:00.009-04:00

It's bad enough that people have been talking about Apokolips- meaning that an invasion of Darkseid and Granny Goodness may be inevitable. Now, the GOP is warning of Doomsday if Obama's budget is passed.

Just look at what Wikipedia has to say about this dangerous and wicked supervillain:

In his first encounter with the Justice League, shortly after breaking free from underground, Doomsday defeated the entire team of superheroes in a matter of minutes, which in turn attracted the attention of Superman. Most notable is the fact that the creature fought the entire time with literally one hand tied behind his back, yet was still able to lay waste to all opposition and much of the surrounding area. The only Justice Leaguer who could even defend herself against Doomsday was Maxima. Also at that time, his naming occurred when League member Booster Gold stated how the rampage resembled "the arrival of Doomsday". The comment subsequently reached the broadcast media and thereafter led to the creature's accepted name.

During his rampage, Doomsday took interest in billboards and television spots advertising violent wrestling competitions held in Metropolis, which appealed to his bloodlust and thus enticed the otherwise mindless creature to head towards the city. By counterattacking, Superman quickly found that his opponent's awesome power was a match for his own, and so he realized that if Doomsday actually reached Metropolis, the resulting battle could conceivably destroy the city and kill millions of innocent people. Simultaneously, Doomsday developed a strong desire to murder Superman in particular.

This is serious, folks. And only the Republicans seem to understand it:

"Republicans say Obama's budget is no laughing matter.

"Senate Republicans warned of deficits that could climb to $20 trillion in coming years and a weakened dollar if Obama and his Democratic allies get their proposed $3.6 trillion budget plan passed."

No laughing matter indeed. If Obama's budget gets passed and it causes the hideous creature known as Doomsday to be freed from his prison in the center of the earth, we could all face grave and imminent disaster and destruction.

Good thing the GOP is on top of this disturbing new development. Otherwise Doomsday could launch an all out invasion on the U.S. and destroy each and every one of us in his eternal quest to get even with Superman. The stakes have never been higher.

One Nation Under The Green Lantern's Light

2009-03-20T06:48:00.012-04:00

In brightest day,
In blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight.

Let those who worship,
Evil's might,
Beware my power,
the Green Lantern's light.

These are the words each and every American should be saying before school, before work, before every government and board meeting begins. Anyone who refuses to swear allegiance and support the troops from the Green Lantern Corps is obviously a Legion of Doom operative and needs to be chained to a crate and shipped somewhere overseas along with the hundreds of thousands of our jobs. This is just common wisdom, people.

But recently we heard that the nihilists and their activist judges want to remove Green Lantern's name from this important pledge we all hold dear. They claim it is offensive to those who foolishly believe that the Justice League doesn't exist and that They aren't up in the Watchtower keeping us safe from Lex Luthor's wicked schemes and Sinestro's evil plans for Sector 2814. These activists also claim that it is offensive to those who believe in the Incredible Hulk or the false prophesies of Anime to give time honored homage to the Green Lantern Corps even though everyone agrees this country was founded by people who feared the wrath of the Batman.

But there is hope. We think it's time to recruit former House Speaker Newt Gingrich to join the fight in keeping the Green Lantern's name in the Green Lantern Oath.

According to the US News and World Report, Gingrich has gone on record saying:

I think it's that the overtness of the assault on religious liberty has risen dramatically. It was the 9th Circuit Court's decision [in 2002] that was the last straw. [The decision found that recitation of the pledge of allegiance in public schools was unconstitutional because its "under God" clause violates the First Amendment's ban on government-established religion.] And I said, "It's time to challenge head-on secular domination in the West.'"

Praise Hawkgirl. We welcome such a challenge. You know, years ago we wanted to shoot people in the head at point blank range with a phaser pistol set on stun for daring to claim that Barbara Gordon wasn't the true Batgirl. The secularists actually had the gall to claim it was a violation of people's 8th amendment rights. That's just how far they'll go to oppress our beliefs and deny us our right to worship freely. Now they want to remove the Green Lantern from the Oath?!

But we're confident that a man of the people like Newt Gingrich will stand up for our right to force everyone to acknowledge the sacrifices the Green Lantern Corps has made for us. If he'll go to bat for some old bearded man from a place called "Heaven" who was passed over when Abin Sur's green power ring was searching for new Green Lanterns, we're sure he'll also speak up for Hal Jordon, John Stewart, Guy Garner, and Kyle Rainer.

The time to take back our country is at hand so we can get back to the basics handed down to us through the teachings of the Green Lantern, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, the Black Canary, and all of our Heroes in the JLA.

Abstinence is the Only Safe Sex

2009-03-17T21:19:00.002-04:00

Good evening, friends.

Today I'd like to discuss something that is as dangerous to our way of life as drugs, heavy metal, and rap music: premarital sex. We really need to discuss this serious crisis that threatens to destroy everything that we, as a nation, hold to be True in the universe. Nothing could be more serious.

You see, prior to 1968 there were no teenagers having sex. In fact, it was last thing on anyone's mind. Afterall, it's not like human beings are animals with an instinct for procreation or anything. Then in blew the secular humanists and liberal activist judges who removed Captain James T. Kirk from the walls of our schools and Batman from the public curriculum. Next thing you know, kids everywhere were copulating and having sex as if they lived on Risa.

Well, we know for a fact that when Captain Kirk traveled the stars, abstinence was one of His primary objectives. Restraint from physical pleasure was as sacred to Him as the Prime Directive itself. The Five Pillars of Star Trek are very clear about this and the need to wait until marriage before having sex.

We also know that Clark Kent waited until he met the right woman, Lois Lane, and married her before he indulged in any sort of sexual activity. Now, think about Superman for moment. The only STDs that could damage Him would have had to contained Kryptonite or some shit in it. If this form of birth control and protection was good enough for the Man of Steel than its good enough for you. Besides, imagine what would have happened had Superman not waited until He met Lois Lane before having sex. He might have hooked up with Pamela Isley (aka Poison Ivy) and the two of them might have created some kind of hybrid weed made of steel that grows all around your house and threatens to eat your children every morning before they walk down to the bus stop.

I hope we're making our point clear.

But if we aren't then try this. If you live a life of promiscuity and choose to have sex with more than one partner, upon death the Martian Manhunter will find that you are suffering from nymphomania- a disease which requires eternal treatment that can only be administered by the doctors at Arkham Asylum. Now ask yourselves, is an immoral five second orgasm really worth spending eternity being tortured by Harley Quinn and the Joker?

This church is currently preparing a package to promote abstinence as the only form of safe sex available in Sector 001. We plan to touch on the finer points mentioned in this sermon and we hope that teachers everywhere will use it in the classroom and if they don't, well, hopefully we can get it mandated by law.

If you would like to contribute your tax dollars or anything else to this fund, make your checks out to: The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. Remember, the more zeros you put behind the whole number on that check, the better your chances are of getting into the Hall of Justice.

And as always, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Tags:
Abstinence, Public Funding, Safe Sex, Teen Sex, Religion and Sex

Happy Green Arrow Day

2009-03-17T19:59:00.008-04:00

Today I was out on my daily routine; out in the streets- waving the Batman Chronicles in people's faces and frightening small children with stories about the horrors of Arkham Asylum and how all their friends and family members were more than likely going to end up there.

Just before the police arrived, I couldn't help but notice that everyone was wearing green. I began wondering what legendary figure could possibly be honored on such a day. Then I realized the obvious. People everywhere must be celebrating the Green Arrow in all of His glory.

This realization warmed my heart as I was taken on yet another cruise towards the county courthouse.

In this age of Joker worship and Legion of Doom conspiracies, it's nice to know that people still find time to honor Green Arrow and all of the wonderful blessings He hath bestowed upon humanity.

More Drug Testing for West Virginians and It's About Damn Time

2009-03-17T07:34:00.000-04:00

Everybody knows that the state of West Virginia has been a Legion of Doom hotbed of crime for some time now. The Black Manta, Lex Luthor, Star Sapphire, and Gorilla Grodd all spend alot of time in this state convincing the children that's it's OK to disobey their parents and assist in diamond heists.

But we have had a real stroke of luck in Delegate Craig Blair. It's as though Captain Picard, Himself, heard our cries for vengeance and beamed this problem solving wizard straight into our capitol.

Blair has finally gotten a bill out of committee that would require people receiving unemployment and food stamps to undergo random drug tests. This is a splendid idea especially when you consider how many lives are lost to that dangerous drug called marijuana every single day.

And it makes sense. People who are drawing unemployment didn't lose their jobs because of a bad economy or anything. They were laid off because they didn't place enough faith in the Justice League and Starfleet Command. Hopefully this new legislation will pass and discourage the unworthy from filing for unemployment and food stamps. We need that money so we can continue to bailout banks and large corporate moguls who have worked hard for their yachts and two million dollar bonuses.

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets would like to challenge this no nonsense representative from Martinsburg to take his plan one step further and call for blood screenings on all working class people seeking assistance. That way West Virginians can sleep sound every night knowing that there aren't any changelings or shape-shifters receiving our tax dollars. It's bad enough these illegal aliens from the Gamma Quadrant come here to steal our jobs because everyone knows there's no way a solid can compete with a shape-shifter in today's job market. The least we can do is stop them from getting our tax dollars after the boss catches them transforming into a coffee table or a couch.

We're going to introduce this bill to Delegate Blair and suggest that the penalties for being a shape-shifter on welfare be harsh. After the first blood screening shows a person is a changeling, ban that person from each program for three months. If they come back and test positive for shape-shifting abilities again, ban them permanently. This is just a common sense approach and a simple procedure for dealing with the growing shape-shifter problem.

We're confident given Craig Blair's record that he will uphold family values and decent morals by demanding all welfare recipients undergo blood screenings so that we can keep the changelings from getting their hands on our tax dollars. If we could just get about twenty more people like Craig Blair elected to our state legislature we could stop wasting money on stupid things like feeding hungry children and start using that money for something more productive like investing in nanotechnology that would make West Virginians the first people to be immune to assimilation when the foretold Borg invasion engulfs the planet.

What's So Wrong with AIG?

2009-03-16T18:05:00.013-04:00

What's all the fuss over AIG about?

So we gave this company millions of tax dollars and they turned around and handed out bonuses. What's the problem?

People, this is called putting our money in the right place. Big multinational corporations need that cash. What are all those executives going to do with their time if they don't have a few yachts to play with? Can you imagine what's like to have to live in just one home without a swimming pool?

Let us pray.

Dear Superman,

Please be with the CEO of AIG. Let him enjoy the finer things this world has to offer because people like them worked hard to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

Please be with all the bankers and capitalists on Wall Street who make this country great. Let the currency continue to flow upward so that the money won't fall into the hands of this nation's less fortunate because everyone knows they'll just blow it on drugs and abortions anyway.

And please let those who have little understand that starving to death after being evicted from your home is not such a bad thing because a better life awaits us all in the Hall of Justice. We only need to obey our masters in this world so that we may enjoy the fruits of the next.

In Superdog's name we pray to you,

Amen

Friends, don't be fooled by the Borg Collectivists. In these times of trouble, the people who have everything they'll ever need have to grab a little more before it's too late.

Ban Barbie from West Virginia for Good

2009-03-13T18:03:00.007-04:00

Along with drug testing all those people who decided to get themselves laid off and sign up for the food stamp program, another sensible piece of legislation has landed on our state legislature's floor: ban the sale of all Barbie Dolls. It's about time our lawmakers started getting serious about the problems we face everyday in West Virginia. For years now, the folks down in Charleston have been coddling criminals, giving hand outs to Legion of Doom sympathizers, and taking the wrong side in the culture war. But there may be a ray of hope in our state after all.

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets wholeheartedly endorses this idea. Barbie exhibits no superpowers or swift fighting skills which inadvertently teaches young girls to ignore the Batgirl's righteousness. Girls will never aspire to live up to the Black Canary's example laid out for us in the DC scriptures if they're playing with dolls that obsess over looking good?

As for other problems that face this state like mountaintop removal, unemployment, poverty, literacy rates, and a multitude of health issues- don't worry about any of that. When the Vulcans arrive those problems will be solved. But they may decide not to visit at all if they look down here and see children playing with Barbie and Ken. Then we will be lost.

We haven't been this excited since Tipper Gore tried to pull the plug on rap and heavy metal. Friends, this why we pay these people $20,000 a year for three months of "work". They're working hard to make West Virginia a state worthy of being beamed aboard the Starship Enterprise.

Ask The DC Comictician

2009-03-10T17:53:00.025-04:00

Friends, it's time again to open the floor to letters from believers (who will sit at the Martian Manhunter's right side in the Hall of Justice) and the infidels (who are haplessly bound for Arkham Asylum) alike. Remember, we have the answers. All you have to do is close your minds and obey our simple commands to the letter (especially at election time).

Dear High Priest of Infinite Knowledge and Wisdom,

I recently lost my job and only have $150 to last me and my family the rest of the month. Do you have any advice to offer me as we struggle through these tough times?

- Crusader for Batman's Love

Dear Crusader,

The first thing you need to do is understand how an economy works. A good economy happens to nations when the people spend hours praying to Aquaman for deliverance and forcing other people to do the same thing- at gunpoint if necessary. A bad economy happens when people turn their back on the Justice League and gamble with decks of cards containing the deadly face of the Joker. It's that simple. We elected a Legion of Doom sympathizer to the white house and just look at the results.

Second, you need to get out your checkbook and write us a check for $149. You probably feel you need your savings for food, but keep in mind it's more important to feed your soul with knowledge than to feed your bellies with nourishment. A $149 donation will still leave you with $1, which should at least be enough to buy a small order of fries that you and your family can divide up and ration throughout the month.

Friends, the answer is plain. The sooner we round all of our children up like cattle and herd them around the flagpole for daily prayer service to Batgirl, the sooner our economy will recover.

Dear Preacher for the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets,

Over the years I have seen actor William Shatner doing Priceline.com commercials and was wondering just how you explain Captain Kirk's endorsement of this product. Does this coincide with your faith? Or are you and your "Elders" ignorant of this ongoing development?

- Color Me Skeptical

Dear Color Me,

It's very important that we understand that there is a difference between Captain James T. Kirk and actor William Shatner. Captain Kirk was the second Starfleet Captain who tried to bring us the message (Captain Pike was the first). William Shatner is most likely a changeling from the Gamma Quadrant assuming Captain Kirk's form- sent here to steer us away from the literal truth as handed down to us by the Prophets Gene Roddenberry and Rick Berman in each and every episode of all five spinoffs of the Star Trek television series. Altering the will of the Prophets means a one way trip around the galaxy hardwired to a Borg cube.

The same is true of actors Avery Brooks, Patrick Stewart, Kate Mulgrew, Nichele Nichols, Terry Farrell, Leonard Nemoy, Michael Dorn, Colm Meanie, Conner Trinneer, and Scott Bakula. We keep extensive files on these people and have inconclusive proof of their connection with the Founders. I mean think about it. Would Captain Kathryn Janeway have married some secular humanist, anything goes liberal nonbeliver who ran for governor of the State the Ohio? No. The Voyager scriptures tell us that She saved Herself for Starfleet Command and devoted Her life to save the people of the Alpha Quadrant. Major Kira Narys debasing Herself by appearing in the new Battlestar Galactica? I think not.

Furthermore, anyone whom has gotten an autograph from one of these shape-shifters is likely carrying a hidden beacon for the day when the Borg surrounds this planet and begins assimilating anyone who chooses to ignore the Word.

Dear Reverend of the Truest Truth,

My girlfriend left me. She said I've been spending too much time in the basement reading the Word of Batman and studying the ways of Starfleet Command through the Five Pillars of Star Trek on DVD. Is she right?

- Broken in Heart, Strong in Spirit

Dear Broken,

It's a good thing you didn't get married. For marrying someone who doesn't understand that Captain Kirk gave his only begotten son to the Klingons to save us from our sinisters is a fate as bad as being shot at point blank range with a phaser pistol on stun. When the Vulcans land in Montana do you really want to be holding hands with a Borg sympathizer.

Let us turn to the scriptures. Star Trek the Next Generation 3:26-

For Captain Jean Luc Picard so loved the quadrant that he said: "Borg vessel, you have committed acts of aggression against the United Federation of Planets. We have developed new defensive capabilities since our last encounter and we will be forced to use them if you do not withdraw from Federation space."

I think it's plain to see what Captain Picard was trying to tell us. Avoid all nonbelievers whenever possible and don't marry them. If an eye offendeth Starfleet, it is better just to pluck it out than to hand it over to the Borg Collective.

Dear Reverend D.,

Every time I turn on the news I get more and more depressed. Is there anything I can do to alleviate this feeling of dread.

-Captian Pike's Witness

Dear Witness,

We know things are grim these days. With Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama and his Legion of Doom friends pushing their left-wing Borg Collectivist ideals on the nation, it's no wonder people are turning to Marvel Comics, Anime, and Stargate Atlantis for answers. They won't find any.

The only thing we can really do at this point is to keep lobbying congress to launch an all out nuclear war against another country. It doesn't matter which country just so long as there's enough radiation in the air to kill off 3/4 of the planet. Then the Vulcans will arrive and save us from ourselves.

Before that can happen though, we need to get our people elected to office so that we can set up a Federation-worthy society with brute force; a shining nation that is completely intolerant of anyone who disagrees with us. Only then will we be ready to embrace the unquestionable logic of the Vulcans.

We hope we've adequately answered your questions and put some of your minds at ease. Thanks for your questions and your relentless obedience. As always, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Trapped on a Desert Island

2009-03-04T19:33:00.006-05:00

A good friend and loyal member of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, Buzzard Billy, has invited me and the Elders to a meme.

Normally, we here at the church are far too serious by the daily threats being advanced by the Legion of Doom and a new administration of Borg Collectivism to accept these challenges. But since its common knowledge that Billy carries the Batgirl in her heart the word of Starfleet upon her lips, the Elders decided that we should graciously accept.

It goes like this:

"Your ship has sunk. You have, of course, been stranded on a deserted island. You have salvaged a copy of the King James Version of the Bible and a copy of the complete works of Shakespeare. Nothing else. “The very next day you find one of those Arabian Lamps in the sand. Of course, you rub it and, of course, a rather grumpy Genie appears. “‘Let’s get this straight - there is a recession going on. There are restrictions on the three wishes now. I don’t do water or air transport now so no boats, planes or magic carpets. As for electronics, forget it. There isn’t the infrastructure on this island. “‘I can let you have one book and I mean one VOLUME, one essential item and one luxury item. Now hurry up and make your choices, I have to get to those five other islands you are going nominate."

This is easy.

First of all, the book would be The Batman Chronicles Volume 1. Because it is written that with the wisdom of Batman your belly will never be empty. Even stranded on a desert island, we must maintain eternal vigilance against the Joker and his bag of deadly toys.

We don't do luxury items for we live on the knowledge of the Justice League and Starfleet alone. But we will take a phaser rifle (which don't require no electronics) and a Klingon bat'leth; both for hunting purposes.

And you all know that we wouldn't be on this island long because no genie, no matter how grumpy, is as a powerful as a Galaxy-class starship or the infinite strength of Hawkgirl- who talks to us daily.

So there it is. Believing in the Five Pillars of Star Trek and the Word of DC Comics can do more than save your soul, it can save you from being stranded on a desert island. Need we say more on why you should deplete your bank accounts to make a donation to the church today.

(The Justice League strictly prevents us from tagging others, so if you want this meme- it's yours.)

Drug Testing Doesn't Go Far Enough

2009-03-02T19:46:00.011-05:00

For the past twenty years, employers everywhere have been drug testing their employees. We think this is a great idea, especially tests aimed at making sure people aren't smoking dope on their free time. Surely, we know by now that marijuana is a deadly drug which kills millions of people everyday. If people aren't overdosing on weed, they're laying around listening to Bob Marley when they should be studying the Batman Chronicles. Truly, marijuana is the weed with the roots that lead straight to the swamp that's home to the Legion of Doom's headquarters.

But drug testing doesn't go nearly far enough to keep us safe while we're on the job. We also need to start doing blood screenings on the nation's workforce.

How do you know that the guy on the forklift next to you isn't a shape-shifter from the Gamma Quadrant sent here to undermine Federation values?

The answer is, you don't. Not unless you grab him by the hand and slice open his palm to be sure that the blood hitting the floor is really blood and not the gelatinous goo that the Star Trek scriptures tells us make up a changeling. Of course, there are more humane ways to draw blood and we don't start blood screenings now, people will be slicing each other up as soon as they find out how dangerous the Dominion threat is to the Alpha Quadrant.

We need blood screenings, not just once a month, but everyday. Administer them at the time clock before the whistle blows. Remember, that guy in the hard hat you call "Burl" might be a shape shifter posing as Burl the very next morning. You just never know. We need to set up road blocks every Friday and Saturday night and screen the blood of the people on our highways to ensure that there are no Dominion operatives out there on the road. Do surprise blood screenings every hour to make sure that no shape-shifters are driving our buses or flying our airplanes. I don't think any of this would be too extreme.

I mean if truck drivers snortin' coke out on the road scare you, imagine shape-shifters barreling down our highways with big loads of ketracel white to feed the Jem'Hadar, the most feared soldiers in the Dominion. Construction sites full of people on meth? How about construction sites used to launch a sneak invasion from the Gamma Quadrant. And let's not forget our school teachers. It isn't enough to discourage them from smoking dope on the weekends, we need to make sure that they're actually who they say they are. Teachers should set a good example for our children by not doing drugs and they should also be able to prove every morning before class that they're not dangerous changeling operatives sent here to poison our kids with Dominion propaganda.

Once again, this is just plain common sense. Check every worker's piss for drugs then be sure to check their veins for blood. "Drop your pants and stick out your arm" should be the mantra of every business in the country. It should be on the cover of every employee handbook. We can never take too many precautions in this day and age when it comes to keeping our people safe.

Dealing With Legion of Doom Sympathizers

2009-03-02T18:57:00.006-05:00

On Sunday, we had a wonderful service. People were alive with the Word of Batgirl and they went home carrying the good news of Captain Benjamin Sisko and His lessons from Deep Space Nine on their lips.

While the members we're filing out an elderly lady stopped me and asked, "Great Reverend of the Highest Truth and Wisdom, I suspect that my next door neighbors have been conspiring with the Legion of Doom to destroy our moral fabric and put an end to our way of life. I'm not sure what tipped me off exactly. They bought one of their children a stuffed animal for Christmas that looks like Gorilla Grodd, they have ivy growing all over one side of their house and they go to the beach every summer which makes me think they have been having secret meetings with the Black Manta and his evil hoard. Is there anything I can do?"

So I told her:

"The Batman teaches us to be relentless in our fight against crime. If you suspect that your neighbors are Legion of Doom sympathizors then there is a pretty good chance that they are. Unfortunately, the law prevents us from having monthly at-the-stake burnings, which is just one of the many signs that we are still the most oppressed faith in the world.

"The only thing you can do for now is keep a daily journal of everything they do from sunrise to sunset and even after- remember that Sinestro and the Cheetah have commit some of their greatest crimes at night. Take photos and be sure to note anything odd; such as allowing their children to wear Spiderman or Incredible Hulk costumes at Halloween. Listen closely to the gossip of other children to find out if these kids' parents let them watch Anime after school. Start some kind of idle conversation with the parents and see if you can get them to admit they watch Stargate Atlantis in place of one of the Five Pilars of Star Trek. Be sure to write this all down.

"Hopefully, we can start getting our people elected to office who will make these things retroactive crimes with lifetime prison sentences, but until then- we've got that damn U.S. Constitution standing in our way. But I would urge you remain strong and vigilante. You and I know that Legion of Doom sympathizors are everywhere but until the government starts listening to us and letting us start wiretapping everyone's homes, not a single one of us will be safe from their diabolical influences."

Together, we said three Hail Starfleet Commands and asked Captain Kirk for forgiveness. We went on about our way to go door to door; bringing the Justice League to the masses.

May Hawkgirl continue to bless this sweet little old lady. It's people like her that will get us all back on the path to righteousness.

(PS- I hope the picture in the left-hand corner answers your question, JDB.)

We Have the Answers Part 7: How to Stop the Moral Corrosion of Our Society

2009-02-27T18:30:00.014-05:00

I hear people talking all the time about the need to get back to the basics. They feel that America has lost its way and turned into a nation of crime, sex, and drugs. And we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets couldn't agree more.

But the people who read that big, pictureless comic book called the Holy Bible seem to think the solution to the problem is prayer in school to some guy who could have played lead guitar for the Doobie Brothers, teaching kids about some old white man in the sky, and hanging the ten commandments in our public buildings. I fail to see how any of this is going to accomplish anything. How can these guys who never even took command of Galaxy-class starship fix the problems we face everyday in this country?

This is why I hereby propose another alternative which should prove much more effective: light up the Batsignal over every city and town in America. With Batman on our side we really can't fail, but if we ignore Him; He is most likely going to ignore us. The answer to the problem is clear.

Seriously, if we light up our skies with this great signal which the Bat hath handed down to us to use when we need His protection (or the protection of Robin, Batgirl, and Nightwing) people will think twice before they do something wrong. Throw the Batsignal up every night and explain to our children what it means and watch them grow to respect the laws and common decency upon which this nation was founded.

This is just plain common sense, people. Lobby your city hall, your courthouses, and your public schools to bring America back the basics by showing the Batman that Yes! We, here in this nation full of Gothamites, still believe in Him and still yearn for His love and protection.

Tags:
Batman, Gotham City, The Bat Signal, Church and State, Prayer in School

We Have the Answers Part 6: How Life Began

2009-02-27T17:58:00.011-05:00

A new $27 million dollar museum has opened down in Kentucky called the Creation Museum. There, people are treated to an "alternative" perspective on how the earth came be. It presents world history and science from a biblical perspective. According to them, the world is only 6,000 years old, the dinosaurs were cast out of the Garden of Eden along with Adam and Eve, and the Grand Canyon was created by the flood that killed everyone except Noah and his family.

Astounding.

I thought that everyone knew by now how life came to be on this planet; a group of humanoids from another galaxy scattered their DNA throughout the Milky Way Galaxy in order to preserve some part of themselves after they realized they were dying off. This DNA was set to evolve so that on earth-like environments, one species of Mammal would be dominant and resemble this mysterious, dying race of preservers.

As a matter of fact, Q took Captain Jean Luc Picard back in time to the beginning of life on earth and showed him a pool of genomes electronically combusting to form life- not Adam and Eve making love for the first time!

Turn with me, please, to Star Trek The Next Generation (Season 6:20):

"You're wondering who we are; why we have done this; how it has come that I stand before you - the image of a being from so long ago. Life evolved on my planet before all others in this part of the galaxy. We left our world, explored the stars and found none like ourselves. Our civilization thrived for ages, but what is the life of one race, compared to the vast stretches of cosmic time?

We knew that one day we would be gone, and nothing of us would survive - so we left you. Our scientists seeded the primordial oceans of many worlds, where life was in its infancy. This body you see before you, which is of course shaped as yours is shaped, for you are the end result. The seed code also contains this message, which was scattered in fragments on many different worlds.

It was our hope that you would have to come together in fellowship and companionship to hear this message, and if you can see and hear me, our hope has been fulfilled. You are a monument, not to our greatness, but to our existence. That was our wish - that you too would know life and would keep alive our memory. There is something of us in each of you, and so, something of you in each other. Remember us."

I think its clear where the Truth can be found and it isn't in that graphic novel they call Genesis. And how do we reward this ancient race who seeded the oceans with our DNA? By banning them from our schools and replacing them with two conflicting stories of equal absurdity: the Bible's version of creation and Darwin's theory of evolution. Here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, we believe there is no need for conflict. The Five Pillars of Star Trek teach us that we evolved by the intelligent design of an ancient race known as the Preservers. That's all the children need to know.

I mean the biblical creationist theories are colorful and interesting. But while their theories might address the question of how humans ended up on earth; they fail to explain how the Vulcans ended up on Vulcan or how the Klingons ended up on Qo'Nos. I really do hope parents will take that into account before they take their kids to this Creation Museum and let them think that any of it is historically or scientifically accurate.

Tags:
Creation Museum, Creationism, Noah's Ark, Captain Picard, Star Trek, The Preservers, Adam and Eve

We Have the Answers Part 5: What We Need to Fear

2009-02-26T20:10:00.003-05:00

The other day I heard people saying that recent events taking place in the world today are signs the end of the world is near. One woman even spoke of the Apokolips and I began to violently shake in my shoes.

I don't think people realize just how serious this is.

If Darkseid is planning an invasion, we had best prepare ourselves immediately.

Read about it here:

"Surprisingly, Apokolips is second to New Genesis in technological advancement. With their technology, they are the height of power in most of the universe and are able to devastate galaxies when they choose to use it. Apokoliptian technology is furthermore the source of unparalleled misery in the universe as the planet routinely arms evil groups with advanced technology in order to further its influence (and misery) across the universe."

This is no shit. I mean if you're one of those people who fears Hillary Clinton, you're going to just love Granny Goodness.

Tags:
Darkseid, Apocalypse, Apokolips, Granny Goodness, Hillary Clinton, The End of Times

We Have the Answers Part 4: Why Illegal Aliens Are So Dangerous

2009-02-26T06:45:00.006-05:00

I'm going to say this because somebody has to. I'm scared for our future. I'm scared at the prospect of illegal aliens crossing the borders which separate the Alpha Quadrant from the Beta, Gamma, and Delta Quadrants. If this is allowed to continue, none of us will have jobs and Terrans everywhere will be forced to learn Klingon, Borg, Romulan, and Dominionese.

So who are these aliens that are migrating to the Quadrant of the Free everyday looking for handouts and seeking to destroy our very way of life? Well, let's cover a few of the more dangerous ones.

The Klingons- Sure, they will become Federation allies in the 24th century, but don't let that fool you- we can be their friends so long as they stay within the Qo'nos sphere of influence; meaning the Beta Quadrant. These aliens put a lot of stock in pride and honor. So when they come to this land in search of those dream jobs that everyone wants (like working on a farm for less than a dollar fifty an hour for twelve hours a day in the burning hot sun) they will require no paychecks at all. Klingon warriors need only be convinced that rapid production for nothing is a matter of honor and their pay will be satisfied.

The Founders (aka Shape Shifters, aka Changlings)- the rulers of the Dominion. These beings from the Gamma Quadrant can assume any shape or form they so desire. They can become you and go to work for you- which wouldn't be all bad except that they can also cash your paycheck on Friday. Put ten shape-shifters on a work site and that's ten of us who are out of a job. They can also change form again and go down to the local welfare office where they can receive food stamps and medicaid. If we allow these aliens to integrate into our society, we'll be singing the Star-Spangled Banner in Dominionese while the Alpha Quadrant goes broke. Clearly, this is a threat at the highest levels.

The Borg Collective- these drones from the Delta Quadrant will do your job five times faster than you will. They don't complain and they follow orders without question. Plus, they don't require food which means that they won't even ask for lunch breaks. All employers will have to do to keep these aliens productive is set up a few alcoves in which they can regenerate. That will ultimately be much cheaper for potential employers than having to cough up a whole $6.55 an hour.

The Viidians- also from the Delta Quadrant. These aliens will not only steal our jobs, they will also steal our body organs because their entire race is plagued with some infectious disease that makes leprosy look like a sunny day at the park. They need fresh body parts to survive and to get back those fashion model faces. If this ain't a threat to national security, I honestly don't know what the fuck is. No more Viidians should be allowed to cross the border of the Delta Quadrant and that is just that.

The Romulans- an offshoot of the Vulcan race. But unlike the Vulcans, Romulans are treacherous, violent, and governed by intense passion. If they are allowed to immigrate here from the Beta Quadrant, there won't be a safe bar in all of Manhattan. They will steal our jobs when our backs our turned quicker than you can say, "Space, the final frontier....". And giving these aliens driver's licenses will put the capital "D" in the word total disaster. Talk about some road rage now.

These are the questions you should be asking yourself during the next election before you spin the wheel on those video poker machines that select our representatives for us. Our very livelihoods are at stake here, people.

In the meantime, contact your senators and representatives and tell them you and your children have no plans to learn Romulan. Tell them that you want your government to build electric barbwire fences around all borders and cross sections of space that lead to the Alpha Quadrant. Tell them that you want bans placed on wormhole traffic and blood screenings in all buildings and on every job site (in case a few shape-shifters slip through).

Get it together. Let's keep the Alpha Quadrant free and prosperous for Alpha Quandrians First.

Tags:
Illegal Immigration, Borders, Electric Fences, 2008 Election

We Have the Answers Pt 3: What Awaits Us in the Afterlife

2009-02-25T11:23:00.010-05:00

The Elders were recently contacted by some aliens who represent all four quadrants of our galaxy about a documentary on the Terran view of the afterlife. The program is supposed to go out an Intergalactic Public Broadcasting network and I joined a couple of the other comic book followers from Sector 001 in explaining our beliefs.

Dr. Pat Robertson:

"Jesus gave a parable, very clear, about a rich man who dined sumptuously. He wore beautiful clothes. There was a beggar named Lazarus who was content to eat the scraps off the rich man’s table. The Bible says they both died. He says the beggar was carried by the angels to Abraham’s bosom. The rich man wound up in hell. He saw Lazarus in Abraham’s bosom, and he says, 'Please, send Lazarus over to me and just dip his finger in some water, because I am 'tormented by this flame.'' Abraham said, 'I’m sorry, old buddy, but there is a great gulf between us. He can’t go from where he is to you, and you can’t come over to us. You are set there forever.' Jesus Himself talked about outer darkness. He talked about a lake that burns with fire. He talked about eternal separation from God. Hell is real. Whether it’s the torment of the flames of remorse, it’s what you could have had. The Bible talks the lake of fire reserved for the devil and his angels. There is no doubt that it’s real."

Pastor John Hagee:

"In the first moment after your last breath, angels will escort you to Heaven, into the presence of God. Jesus implied as much when telling the story of the rich man and Lazarus, the poor beggar. Jesus said, ' So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by angels to Abraham's bosom'(Luke 16:22).

"God Himself will meet you at the gates of heaven and wipe any tears from your eyes. Scripture says, '… for the lamb who is in the midst of the throne will Shepard them and led them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away ever tear from there eyes' (revalation7:17). You'll never have reason to weep again. You'll never have to say good-bye again. You'll never fell physical or emotional pain again; You'll never experience another moment of regret, remorse, or rejection.

"You will receive a dazzling white robe of righteousness, without spot or wrinkle. Ephesians 5:27 states, '… that He might present her [the bride of Christ] to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.' The church is the bride of Christ, and God is preparing us to step into eternity with Him at any moment!

"Are you prepared for your 'promotion'? Now is the time to do what God has called you to do. Today is your opportunity to tell someone else about Jesus, to you neighbor, and to do good in Jesus' name. Remember, the clock is ticking… time is almost up.

"The best is yet to come! You need not fear leaving your comfort zone. Men and women cannot discover new oceans unless they have the courage to lose sight of the shore. Now is the time to get ready! Heaven is only a breath away!"

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo:

"Ever since the Preservers scattered our DNA across the four corners of the galaxy to evolve in their image, we have had a choice; a choice between embracing the founding principles of the Justice League and the United Federation of Planets or following the path of the Borg Collective and the Legion of Doom.

"But unlike those comic books that don't have any pictures in them, we offer you two opportunities for bliss. If you welcome Batgirl and Captain James T. Kirk into your heart and submit to Their divinity, you can either join the Justice League in the Hall of Justice or join Starfleet Academy so that you may one day sit at Captain Jean Luc Picard's side. If you die a glorious death in battle against the Dominion, you will then proceed to the Hall of Justice.

"In your first moments after death you will either be beamed aboard a starship or greeted by Superdog at the gates of the Hall of Justice. One way or another you will judged on how well you followed the path laid out for us in DC Comics and the Five Pillars of Star Trek. Superdog will have a list of souls who will be allowed admittance. The commanding officer aboard the starship will decide whether your soul is worthy of Starfleet training. It's all up to you.

"The alternative to embracing the love of Captain Kirk and accepting Batman as Gotham's True Savior is either being dragged by the hair to Arkham Asylum for all eternity or to be sent in an unarmed shuttle craft directly into Borg space where you will be assimilated and tortured for the rest of your existence- after which you will be sent to Arkham. There, you will be forever separated from the wisdom of Superman and Starfleet Command.

"For the Batman Chronicles tell us, 'the mighty Batman is upon the surprised Joker before he can use his venom gun.' and He saith unto the Joker, 'Why don't you laugh now, Mr. Joker?' Verily, what the Bat is trying to tell us is that those who are laughing now will be crying later.

"You see, Captain Picard is real. The Joker is real. Batman is real. Arkham is real. Your soul is real and all criminals are weak and cowardly. The Day of the Legion is upon us and the Borg are going to invade this planet any minute.

"Tell all your friends, the Hall of Justice awaits them. Embrace the teachings of the Justice League of America and get your promotion to First Officer aboard the Enterprise E. Eternity awaits your decision, so choose wisely."

Tags:
Afterlife, Hell, Arkham, Damnation, Fire, Brimstone, Death, Horror

We Have the Answers Pt 2: Why Society is Crumbling

2009-02-24T19:14:00.004-05:00

A 2 Part Series:

In a nearby town, the high school's sports teams are called the Blue Devils. Another nearby town has the Red Devils. Religious figures have often called on these names to be changed because they believe that the Devil really exists and we should not be encouraging support for this evil master of the dark realm.

Pat Robertson's 700 Club and other fundamentalist organizations routinely call for the banning of Halloween for much the same reason: we shouldn't be encouraging our kids to dress up as goblins and witches because they believe such characters are real and do the daily work of Satan, himself.

Well, the other day I got to looking around and I noticed something wasn't right. People everywhere are wearing Nikes. Aside from the fact that Nike Inc. is king when it comes to exploiting sweatshop labor and charging $100 for a pair of shoes made by some ten year-old kid from the third world who makes about 5 cents an hour, I also couldn't help but notice that they also use the same logo as Captain Boomerang, a ruthless enemy of the Flash who devises explosive boomerangs to terrorize the people of Central City.

Clearly, this is unacceptable. From Wikipedia on this evil supervillian:

"Although he lacked any actual superhuman abilities, he became a recurring enemy of the Flash, typically by devising altered boomerangs which could produce astonishing effects (some would explode, others had razor-sharp edges, etc.), and using them ruthlessly. He became a staple member of the Rogues Gallery, a group of villains dedicated to opposing Flash."

Celebrating a staple member of the Rogues Gallery! This is an outrage. What's next? Pictures of Captain Cold on lunch boxes? Mirrors on people's tee-shirts that the Mirror Master could use to travel from dimension to dimension and control people's minds?

Before we start banning Halloween and removing devil logos from high school football teams, we need to get Captain Boomerang's logo off the street before this gets out of hand. It's an affront to justice everywhere and it's offensive to the Flash.

2nd Sermon in Series:

Some people still don't believe me when I tell them that America is lost. We, as a nation, have gone downhill since we began turning our backs on the Justice League. Ever since we've removed Superman from our public schools, "anything goes" is apparently this nation's motto.

Here's more proof. When I was pushing my buggy down the cosmetics aisle in the store yesterday, I couldn't help but notice something strange in the deodorant section. Ultra Dry Degree is using the symbol of Captain Boomerang to sell their product!

Along with Captain Cold and the Mirror Master, Captain Boomerang is one of the founding members of the Rogues Gallery, which is dedicated to destroying the Flash, our Scarlett Speedster. His boomerangs reek havoc everywhere, often exploding on impact. But despite all this, retail stores around the nation seem to have no moral qualms with spreading his image everywhere.

So I went directly to the store manager and demanded that these evil symbols of destruction and doom be pulled off their shelves immediately. Well, I was thrown out of the store and asked never to come back- if you can believe that.

And, folks, this about sums up where we are today. The heinous crimes of Captain Boomerang and his symbolism take precedence over the teachings and sacrifices of the Flash. Yet, people still wonder why we, as a nation, face so many problems in our daily lives.

I hope you realize just what it is you are doing when you apply this evil deodorant to your under arms after a shower. This is more than just some agent to keep your armpits dry; it's an agent of Gorilla Grodd, the Rogues Gallery, and the Legion of Doom.

We hereby demand that Degree and Nike shoes be removed from the public eye until they remove these offensive symbols from their product. No child anywhere should be exposed to this very real dangerous influence.

We Have the Answers Part 1: What Happened to the Dinosaurs

2009-02-24T19:05:00.005-05:00

Let us begin today's lesson on just what exactly happened the dinosaurs. We know for certain that none of them are around today, but that's just on this planet.

While Captain Kathryn Janeway was stuck in the Delta Quadrant along with the rest of her crew aboard the Starship Voyager, she made contact with a reptilian race called the Voth or Saurians (Star Trek Voyager, Season 3: Chapter 23). Two of the Voth scientists, one named Gegen, believed that their people came from a distant far away planet and they discover through meeting the crew of Voyager that that planet is called Earth. Professor Gegen called this the "Distant Origin Theory".

Captain Janeway and the Doctor use holographic imagines to confirm Professor Gegen's findings. They figure out that the Voth did indeed descend from the Hadrosaur which evolved right here on our own planet. Apparently, millions of years ago these Hadrosaurs realized that they were about to be wiped out by reoccurring natural disasters; so they banded together and invented warp powered vessels then headed out toward the other side of the galaxy to find a new world where they could live.

Professor Gegen was criticized and faced a trial for his unorthodox views and for challenging the Voth Ministry of Elders' doctrine that the Voth/Saurians were the first intelligent species in their realm of space. Even though the scientific evidence was right there in front of the Ministry, they chose to ignore it and punish Gegen for heresy instead.

I realize it's hard for us here on Earth to imagine governments and religious figures denying scientific facts and reason because it conflicts with certain beliefs and doctrines, but apparently it happens within the Voth realm of space.

So before people even think of teaching kids in our public schools that the dinosaurs died off because none of them would fit on Noah's Ark, they had better include the account of the Saurians and their quest for a new home out there in the Delta Quadrant where they formed the highly, technologically advanced civilization of the Voth.

It's only fair.

Important Message for the Upcoming Weeks

2009-02-24T18:03:00.003-05:00

Good evening,

Here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of United Federation of Planets we understand that the majority of you who are reading this are headed straight for Arkham Asylum. That being said, we are in the business of saving souls and we want to save yours by letting you know that Batgirl has good news to share with you. We want you to know that by following the path laid out for us by the JLA and Starfleet Command, you too can know the bliss that comes from knowing that Captain James T. Kirk was on a five year mission to seek out new life and new civilizations.

Friends, the end is near and the signs are everywhere. We have a man in the white house who's full name is Barack Hussein Luthor Obama and nothing could be more undermining to the principles this nation and its Founding Fathers who understood that Superman was sent here from Krypton to save us from our sinisters than to have someone who clearly believes the Legion of Doom, the Sinestro Corps, the Dominion, and the Borg Collective don't pose a threat to our way of life- daily.

So the Elders have decided we need to recast some of our past sermons. It's important that we keep Charles Darwin out of our public schools because his theories on evolution do not adequately explain certain theories that we all know to be true. He may have understood how turtles became birds or whatever, but he fails to account for how life evolved on Vulcan or how Klingons ended up becoming the dominant life on Q'onos. On the other hand, the Five Pillars of Star Trek (The Original Series, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise) have all the answers our children need to learn.

It's important to understand why the color yellow should be banned from the public sphere and how ice machines in motels influence our children to grow up and become arch criminals like Mr. Freeze, Captain Cold, and Killer Frost.

And so we bring these lessons back not only because Truth is eternal, but because we, the leaders of this church, understand the Truth and graciously interpret it for you. Thinking is a burden which we seek alleviate.

So close your minds to the blasphemy that follows from asking too many questions and hear the teachings handed down by Starfleet Command and the Justice League of America. The question is will you hear the call and board the Enterprise E when you die or will you allow yourself to become another victim of the oncoming Borg Cubes?

Today's Sermon: The Legion of Doom Wants Your Children

2009-02-22T00:25:00.005-05:00

Good morning,

Most of us go to work everyday thinking about the Batman and all of the wonderful things He has done for our lives. But how many us are truly devoted His righteousness and take the teachings of the JLA as seriously as we should?

My friends, we are all were all born with the Original Sinister, therefore we all are all sinisters by nature. That is why we all need to cleanse ourselves with daily prayers to our Heroes in the Watchtower and daily readings from the DC scriptures.

But it saddens me that youngsters these days have no respect for the things that the Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman do for us every day. It's not an accident. No. The Legion of Doom is well versed in the vulnerability of a child's morals. Their agents use fancy words, colorful pictures, and Gorilla Grodd's mind beams to lead our children into a life of depravity. We as adults aren't doing them any favors when we allow them to carry Incredible Hulk lunchboxes to school and watch Anime when they come home. We can't tell our children that Marvel Comics and Anime teach false prophesies which conflict with the literal Truth found only in DC Comics and allow them to indulge in this blasphemy against Krypton. We can't teach our children that Bruce Wayne is the Only Batman and Robin is His Partner then turn the other cheek while they watch Spiderman cartoons on TV.

So we've resurrected this eternal message from the 70's which we hope will help you teach your children that DC Comics aren't just pictures and words in speech balloons, they're a handbook on how to live your life right in the eyes of the Martian Manhunter and the Justice League of America:

All Praise Be to Aquaman this important message that we should all be carrying in our hearts.

The Faces of Evil

2009-02-21T12:59:00.012-05:00

You might notice that the DC scriptures have taken a turn with new prophesies called "Faces of Evil". We urge you all to read these scriptures while keeping in mind that every single word in every single issue is the literal truth. (As always, you need to read without thinking too much because as soon as you start asking questions, the doctors in Arkham Asylum are preparing a bed for your eternal soul.)

Friends, what the Prophets are trying to teach you is that we cannot turn our backs on the evil which lurks under every bed, inside every closet, and under every rock. You are seconds away from imminent destruction, disaster and doom every single day and if you aren't scared from the time you wake up until the time you go to bed then you are putting your soul at grave risk.

The underlying message to "Faces of Evil" is simple.

The Cheetah is not just a dangerous supervillian who is committed to the destruction of Wonder Woman, she's that woman on your local school board who refuses to allow a moment of silence in our public schools every morning so that our children may quietly pray to Hawkgirl for deliverance.

Lex Luthor isn't just the arch-criminal with a diabolical and insane genius, he's that politician who works hard everyday to undermine our nation's moral fabric by preventing those of us who have accepted Batman into our hearts from putting the Batsignal over every single courthouse and public building. He's that mayor and councilperson who feels hanging Superman's picture in our courtrooms and leading a prayer to the Justice League before every trial is a violation of the First Amendment. I challenge these so called liberals to show me where just exactly where in the Constitution it says we can't worship (or force other people to worship) Plastic Man in public. We all know that the Founding Fathers were avid readers and believers in the Word of DC Comics, yet all these activist judges would have us believe otherwise. They are the Faces of Evil.

But there is good news! The Justice League of America is real and they're out there fighting to preserve our way of life. No arch-villain, liberal activist judge, secular humanist, or Marvel Comics reader can stop them. The question is: when the Day of the Legion of Doom arrives which side will you be on? Will you side with the Faces of Evil or will you accept the love that the Justice League has to offer you and sit with the Martian Manhunter for all eternity in the Hall of Justice where streets are paved with gold and all suffering is nonexistent?

Friends please, listen to the message and embrace Batgirl. Your salvation is entirely up to you. Remember, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Mr. Freeze Strikes Again

2009-02-20T06:51:00.008-05:00

Some of my friends have been complaining about how the weather has went from the 50s down into the teens. And they seem to have forgotten what I told them: when people turn their backs on the Batman's teachings, bad things are going to happen to everyone. It has nothing to do with weather patterns, barometric pressures, or cold fronts. It has to do with how much faith a people has in the JLA.

If we falter in our devotion to our Heroes in the Watchtower, the Justice League will stand by and do nothing while arch-criminals like Mr. Freeze, Captain Cold and the Weather Wizard- who struck us all with wind storms last week because people refused to the hear the call to pay homage to the Flash for all He does to protect our way of life.

You better get with it, people. The sooner we get all our kids around the flag pole to hold hands and pray to Batgirl for Her blessing and forgiveness- the sooner we will have eternal bliss and 70 degree days of sunshine.

If we don't change our sinister ways, who knows what might happen next week. The Black Manta might destroy all of West Virginia with a tsunami or the Joker might unload millions of pounds of Smilex gas upon the populace. Or we might even up with a total jackass for a governor and none of us in this state knows what that is like.

The Missing Days of the Reverend

2009-02-16T11:43:00.004-05:00

People from all over the world have been wondering why I was absent for most of December and all of January. Well, as the only True spokesperson for the Martian Manhunter's plan of salvation, I feel it's only right to explain why I haven't been spreading Batgirl's good news and checking everyone's blogs for points of heresy and impure thoughts.

After the Legion of Doom got their man elected to the white house against the dire warnings of this church and the Truth we hold within our shrines, I needed some time to reflect on just why people would choose to ignore the wisdom of Batman and refuse to write-in the popular vice-president, Dick Cheney, a true man of the people who has proven time and time again that he's a real leader.

With the blessing of the Elders, I felt it was time to travel to Oa in an attempt to join the Green Lantern Corps. I have always supported the troops against Sinstro, his evil minions, and the color yellow. It was time to put my beliefs into action.

Unfortunately, after rigorous tests and training I was passed over by the floating Green Ring and another was chosen. Someone without a beer gut, who didn't smoke and could run a few yards without being totally out of breath (and since smoking inside those green bubbles when floating through space is prohibited, the Ring probably made the right decision).

The Guradians of Oa instructed me to return to Sector 2814 and continue to spread the gospel of the Green Lantern. They wanted me to let you know that the day is drawing near when all Terrans must choose between an eternity of bliss and one of pure damnation.

So I'm back to remind you all of your daily sinsiters and how the need to repent and confess your love for the Justice League is more pressing then ever. Heed the warning.

Where Can You Find the Answers? Hint: Not the Holy Bible

2009-02-15T00:20:00.008-05:00

I think we can all agree that this world is filled with madness.

It's a part of life we have to accept. You see we were all born with "the original sinister" which means that as soon as the doctor snips your umbilical cord you are planning the perfect diamond heist. Don't deny it. The first cry to come out your mouth can easily be translated as "I want to don a gaudy costume and become an arch-criminal". It is only through the Justice League of America and Starfleet Command that we can find salvation from a destiny Lex Luthor and the Borg Collective are more than happy to exploit.

But even the "original sinister" can't adequately explain the insanity one will find in the Baptist Times. We won't even mention how insulting it is to Aquaman that people think they can cleanse their souls by being submerged in water. If you can't communicate with fish while your under there, you're wasting your time and you're denying the Truth: Aquaman is the only King of Atlantis and Aqualad is His Partner.

But listen to this from "the Times":

Christians can make a 'fresh and distinctive' contribution to the public debate about this new capitalism, which 'marries wealth creation and social justice', the statement said.

For instance, the Bible teaches that wealth is a gift for the whole community. Wealth creation must serve a just society, and 'we therefore recognise the critical role for commercial enterprise in poverty alleviation,' the statement continued.

If these people really want to contribute to a positive economy, the first thing they can do is give up on that God who has no heat ray vision, utility belt, or golden magic lasso. Seriously, when was the last time you turned on a holy episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation and saw Jesus Christ leading a Galaxy-class starship into battle with one of the Federation's lethal enemies.

The only thing the Bible teaches is that there is no planet called Vulcan and no dimension where Bizarro Superman reigns supreme. We find this insulting when the scriptures of DC Comics and Star Trek plainly show that both worlds exist and have daily meaning to each and every one of our lives. What part of "to boldly go where no man has gone before" do these people not understand?

Friends, we have a choice. An economy that reflects the morals of Batman and one that reflects the wicked ways of the Legion of Doom. It is better to die broke and unemployed and enter the Hall of Justice than it is to get a little money from this new bailout package and end up in one Arkham Asylum's straight jackets.

"Fresh and distinctive" is no substitute for pious and rigid. But, it would appear that for some the lesson won't be learned until they've been strapped down to a gurney and given a lobotomy by one of Arkham's tenured doctors.

A Prayer for a Speedy Recovery: The Flash

2009-02-11T18:22:00.011-05:00

Good evening, friends. Let us bow our heads.

Dear Flash,

Hallow be thy name. And blessed be those who await our souls in the Hall of Justice.

We ask you in the name of the Justice League to help speed our nation's recovery. Please grant your superpower of speed to the opposition to all these new economic programs which were undoubtedly hatched from the minds of Gorilla Grodd, the Trickster, and Captain Cold. For only you can understand the sinister motives behind these arch-criminals and the undo influence they have over our children and the impressionable minds of young adults. The new Rouges Gallery counterculture that has arisen over the past few decades to promote public indecency, immorality and the X-Men cannot endure.

Flash, we ask forgiveness for all those who have chosen ignore the lessons you've tried to teach us and instead look to the Punisher and the Fantastic Four for answers. We ask that you and your friends have mercy upon this nation which has turned the public sphere into a Legion of Doom hotbed for secular humanism, liberalism, Anime, and Marvel Comics and away from the moral fabric that can only be found within the teachings of the Justice League and the Justice Society.

Our Scarlet Speedster, we ask that you watch over us as you race back and forth across the planet fighting evil wherever it rears its ugly head. Just as the four men who donned the rightous costume befriended the Green Lantern's, we ask that you befriend those of us who believe that only the JLA can save us from our sinisters.

In Bart Allen's name we pray,

Amen.

Taking the Plunge with Aquaman's Grace

2009-02-08T17:28:00.007-05:00

Good evening friends,

Tonight, I would like you to take a few minutes to remember what Aquaman has tried to teach you. There is no body of water too deep or too cold to jump into. Just as Aquaman swims through perilous waters of all depths and temperatures to keep us safe from the evil schemes of Black Manta, so too are we expected to do what is necessary when the cause is just and submerge ourselves in ice water in the beginning of February.

Now, infidels and the nonbelievers will ask, "Reverend D., why would you do such a thing?" My reply would be, "why does Aquaman brave the cold water talking to fish everyday in order to save us from our sinisters?" I think the Truth is plain to see for all who choose to see the JLA's wisdom.

Yesterday, a few of us accepted Aquaman into our hearts and jumped in some ice water. And some who didn't jump did a great job raising some money to help out here and offered those of us who did plunge moral support. We had a really good time meeting, talking, swimmin' and freezin' and most of all- being thankful to Batgirl for watching over us with Her almighty blessing.

So here is a roundup of some folks who will one day sit at the Batman's side in the Hall of Justice:

Bill

The Film Geek

Jackie, who has been granted asylum by the Elders even though he refuses to give up on Marvel Comics blasphemy.

The Godfather

All Click

Mountain Laurel

Ruppie

May the Martian Manhunter bless us that we may all have this chance to get together again.

The Stimulus Package Trojan Horse

2009-02-05T18:18:00.007-05:00

In our last sermon, we ordered you to beware of "stimulus packages" and rebuilding our nation's infrastructure. I would like to take this opportunity to expand on our church's position about this liberal Legion of Doom and hostile Borg takeover we are experiencing in the United States.

First off, we know that the nonbelievers in congress have earmarked millions of tax payer dollars to go to the their favorite arch-criminal friends. Some want to channel money in to Luthor Corp technology still others are so in love with the Joker that they're willing to invest in Smilex Gas. All of this money is being earmarked to undermine the moral fabric of this country which was founded on the principles of DC Comics and Starfleet directives.

The Batman is watching.

Secondly, the "stimulus package" does not contain enough tax cuts for the wealthy. How are millionaires who strive to live their lives like Bruce Wayne and Ollie Queen going to fund new projects to become superheroes with government breathing down their necks all day. No one making over $500,000 a year should even pay taxes. Taxes are for the little people who can only hope to die a quick and early death so that they may join Wonder Woman and the JLA in the Hall of Justice. In the Hall of Justice everyday is sunshine and no stimulus packages are needed.

The secular humanist liberals of the country want to turn this great nation into a socialist boot camp for losers and commies. If we let them, they'll succeed. If people really want to see where stimulus packages lead, they need look no further than the nearest Borg Cube where they will see just what a real hippy commune looks like.

A New Era

2009-02-04T21:26:00.006-05:00

Friends,

We are embarking upon a new era. The choice before us now is whether we will follow the path laid out for us in the scriptures of DC Comics or whether we will follow the Joker straight into the bowels of Arkham Asylum.

Beware, my friends, of the new liberal nihilistic mantra. All this talk about stimulus packages when we need to be stimulating our spirits so that we may die and go to the Hall of Justice.

When Barack Obama talks about "infrastructure" what he's really saying is that he wants to pour billions of our taxpayer dollars into a new headquarters for the Black Manta and all his other friends in the Legion of Doom. Remember these are the same people who have made careers keeping Batman out of the classroom. How can you trust them?

Yes, we have a fight ahead us, my faithful flock. We must keep our prayers to the Martian Manhunter vigilant; lest we all perish in the flames of Gorilla Grodd and Lex Luthor.

The Gorn: The Most Misunderstood Race in the Alpha Quadrant

2008-12-01T20:28:00.007-05:00

Many people who study the Word of Starfleet through the first of the Five Pillars watched with tears as our beloved Captain James T. Kirk struggled for survival against what some believe was a hostile race of lizard people known as the Gorn.

What people outside the inner chambers of this great church fail to realize is that the scriptures teach us the Gorn were not a hostile race at all. And few know the story of how Captain Kirk and his new lizard friend split a case of malt liquer and sang songs of grace after a treaty was signed.

If your read the instructions inside the game called Starfleet Command "Empires At War", you'll see that the Gorn had been fighting against a treacherous race known to most Terans as Romulans. The Romulans had been up to their same dirty tricks and pulled some backstabbing maneuver on this friendly green species from the other side of the quadrant. When they saw humans accidentally settling in on one of their planets, they thought the humans were Romulans. Afterall, mammalian humanoids look the same when you've got a hundred and two little silver eyes in your sockets.

Now we know what you're thinking, "Reverend, Star Trek books and games aren't cannon; therefore they can't be the literal truth as presented in each sacred episode." Well, we'll make this simple for you. Anything that we say is cannon is cannon; if you believe otherwise, there's a Borg cube out there with your name on its guest list.

So the next time you see a Gorn when you're out at the bars, pat him or her on the back and call them friend.

A New Discussion Board

2008-11-13T18:29:00.002-05:00

After hours spent praying to the Hawkgirl, Captain Kirk, and the Guardians of Oa, I received the sign that JLA and Starfleet condone and approve of this message board:

Straight Outta of Appalachia.

Click here to join us, now

Lest the Batman come to your house and make you see the errors of your folly.

The Difference Between Trekies and Trekiologists

2008-11-08T13:40:00.021-05:00

Many people make the erroneous and often times outright blasphemous mistake as referring to those of us who have devoted our lives to delivering the message Starfleet and Captain Jean Luc Picard as Trekies, when in fact there are distinct differences between those follow what they consider a TV show and those of us who consider every word in every episode as literal Truth for all Terans and friendly aliens to live by.

1) Trekies dress up like Captain Kirk, Spock, and Mr. Scott; whereas Trekiologists build temples in their honor and worship them.

2) Trekies go to conventions once or twice a year. Trekiologists attend worship services once or twice a week to pay homage to our commanding officers in Starfleet.

3) Trekies learn to speak Klingon. Trekiologists translate important speeches and historical documents in Klingon so that we will be prepared for the peace that will come after the Khitomer Accords.

4) Trekies watch Star Trek in the basement all day while Trekiologists watch Star Trek in the basement all day- meditating and praying to Captain Kathryn Janeway that she may deliver us from the evils of Delta Quadrant.

5) Trekies dress in Federation uniforms when they serve on juries. Trekiologists dress in Federation uniforms when they're picketing the local school boards- protesting and demanding that our faith, which is the only true one, be taught in our schools.

6) Trekies call Star Trek episodes "reruns" while Trekiologists call Star Trek episodes the Gospel which contains eternal wisdom that cannot be questioned.

7) Trekies get autographs from William Shatner, Patrick Stewart, Kate Mulgrew, and Avery Brooks. Trekiologists watch these people closely and keep extensive files on them because we know that they are Gamma Quadrant shape-shifters sent here by the Dominion to pose as our Holy Starfleet Captains and lead the faithful astray.

8) Trekies raised money in an attempt to keep the show Enterprise on the air. Trekiologists raise money to get politicians elected so that America may have a government which reflects the values and morals taught to us by the Five Pillars of Star Trek as interpreted by the leaders of this church.

9) Trekies hope for a new Star Trek series on television. Trekiologists hope for a Sixth Pillar to the Prophet Gene Roddenberry's Word of Truth which will only come after a devastating nuclear war wipes out all the Borg sympathizing riff-raff after which the Vulcans will land in Montana to cleanse the pure of heart.

10) Trekies create new sagas and write new books while Trekiologists consider any additions to the work of the Prophets Gene Roddenberry and Rick Berman sheer heresy and intolerable blasphemy that should be met with swift persecution.

So there you have it. This is why we take offense to being referred to as Trekies. Trekies consider Star Trek to be entertaining show and a hobby. We see the Five Pillars as a way of life that should be imposed on everyone, by force if necessary.

Our Link to Western Religions

2008-11-06T18:23:00.019-05:00

The mainstream press has claimed to have stumbled upon secret documents kept safe in our church vaults. They seem to believe that the people who gather everyday around the shrines to pay homage to the Batman and kneel before the grace of Captain James T. Kirk have been mislead:

"the paperwork we have recently uncovered proves a theory that many have been advocating for the past several years. While the overbearing Elders of the First Church of the DC Comictician and their boisterous High Priest, the Reverend Elvis D., are busy insulting people from the Judeo-Christian and Muslim faiths they have failed to disclose that the people they deride may actually be their distant cousins. Historical documents show that Abraham had another son named Captain Hezasiah, whose decedents went on to preach the gospel of Starfleet and DC Comics.

"This unknown son of Abraham was said to have spoken of the Martian Hunter and a future where the Andorians, Tellarites, Terrans, and Vulcans would found the Federation. Captain Hezasiah was noted in these scrolls as drawing pictures of Batgirl in color and his children went on to build a faith around her, the Justice League of America, and Starfleet Command.

"The Elders and the High Priest keep this truth hidden deep within their archives for fear that if the millions of Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets discovered their link to other western faiths that they might begin to question church doctrine on how life began or what happened to the dinosaurs and realize that Zephran Cochran and Bruce Wayne may have indeed been distant relatives of Muhammad or even King David, himself."

We will say right here and now that it is no secret that our faith claims Captain Hezasiah as one of our earliest believers and that he was, in fact, the unknown son of Abraham and is discussed in our sacred scrolls. It is well known within the ranks of this great church that Hezesiah was one of the first people to journey up into the mountains and come down with a stack full of DC Comics to deliver to the people.

One major difference between him and his brothers- while Ismael and Issac were out in the desert trying to teach rocks to speak in tongues, Captain Hezasiah was studying up on the warp drive and inventing new technology for the Batman to discover and use against His foes.

There is no secret being revealed here. We have always respected our Judeo-Christian and Muslim cousins whom we like to refer to as "The People of the Comic Book". The DC scriptures and the Five Pillars of Star Trek instruct us to love all Terran nonbelievers and different cultures from other planets. And we work tirelessly everyday to convince them that they need to give up on prophets and heroes without heat-ray vision or magical golden truth lassos.

What good is Heaven if the guy who commands it can't even pilot a galaxy-class starship?

Prophesy Unfolding

2008-11-05T21:25:00.005-05:00

The election is over and the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets congratulates Senator Barack Obama for his stunning victory.

Now, the Legion of Doom will be flying their flag over the White House and every public building in America. We don't blame the voters. Afterall, it was either that or McCain and his friends in the Borg Collective. This world has strayed so far from the teachings of the Martian Manhunter, Hawkgirl, and the Prophet Gene Roddenberry that many people feel they have no choice but to embrace the ideals of Batman's sworn enemies. Once they removed Starfleet from our schools, we were headed for failure. We won't go so far as to say that Obama is the anti-Aquaman foretold in the DC scriptures, but we will be watching and praying to our Heroes in the JLA for the safety of our great nation.

We here at the First Church are still alive with the Word and we do understand that we are witnessing the beginning of a prophesy unfolding. Just as it was foretold in the Book of First Contact, the Vulcans are coming and they will bring with them the Kingdom that is the United Federation of Planets. But first, we will endure hard times including a disasterous third world war that will probably incinerate everyone who is reading this. Everything happens for a reason and this is all part of Starfleet's plan.

Just remember that those who embrace the Five Pillars of Star Trek will rejoice aboard the Enterprise E in the next life. If you see the signs of the end times coming, perhaps you should surrender yourself to Captain Jean Luc Picard and come to the realization that every word in every episode of all five Star Trek shows is the literal truth containing a path for you to follow.

And as always, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Election Day 2008

2008-11-03T20:54:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is the big day, people. The biggest day of all big days. The day that defines what big really means. In fact, this day is so big that the word big isn't big enough to describe how big it is.

Tomorrow, you have a choice America: the teachings of Starfleet and the JLA or the path which leads to Arkham Asylum and absolute Dominion rule.

So remember where your priorities lie as you go to the polls tomorrow. There's no need to concern yourselves with trivial matters like the economy or the ability to put food on your table. Focus instead on what's important like protecting the protouniverse in the galatic womb and preserving our right to carry phase pistols with stun and kill settings.

Starfleet provides for those who provide for themselves. Besides how is anyone going to hunt deer when the government charges into our homes and confiscates our bat'leths? How will we defend ourselves against the coming swarm of Jem'Hadar soldiers if they take away our hunting rifles? Pure logic and common sense thinking should serve to remind you that we're right and everyone else is wrong.

Keep your priorities straight when you go out and vote tomorrow, people. Because if you don't, Borg cubes will almost certainly surround this planet and add our biological and technological distinctiveness to their own.

Ten Reasons on Just Why This Election Should Frighten You

2008-10-31T18:46:00.025-04:00

1) Barrack Obama is very likely a Legion of Doom sleeper who will have the Black Manta advising him on foreign and domestic policy once he's seated in the Oval Office. In fact, this church has secret documents which prove that Senator Obama got his political start with the help of criminal friends like Toyman, Cheetah, Star Sapphire, Captain Cold, Killer Croc, Poison Ivy, and the Mad Hatter. Nothing could more dangerous to this country and the cause of freedom than to have the Legion-inspired terror mongering hoards running the show behind the scenes.

2) With Democrats back in the White House, we are more than likely going to see twice as many Marvel comic book based movies; hence our nation's moral fabric will seriously undermined. In this age of multi-comic bookism in the classroom and in our public buildings, people forget that this nation was founded by people who feared the wrath of the Batman.

3) If we don't pursue Ronald Reagan's dream of a defensive net around the planet, we're never going to be able to stop the Borg from traveling back in time and assimilating earth before the United Federation of Planets can be founded. Friends, we must practice eternal vigilance if we a are to smite our foes; our foes who seek to kill every single person who believes that Captain Kirk was in command of the Starship Enterprise.

4) The wall which separates church and state is still standing. We've heard stories about children trying to pray to the Green Lantern in school, only to hauled off to the principle's office, locked in closets and exposed to the color yellow- the color of Sinestro and everything that is evil. We need a president who will declare martial law, expel all Legion of Doom sympathizers from our country, and force people to kneel down at the alter of Superman.

5) All of the candidates running for office are surrounded by umbrellas when they're giving speeches in the rain. This tells us not only that these politicians are out of touch with the teachings of the Batman, but that they also demonstrate there ignorance of the Penguin and how much influence he has over our youth in these modern times.

6) If we give up on national defense, Gorilla Grodd could lead an all out Legion of Doom assault on our very homeland. And since we, as a nation, have turned our backs on the Word of the Justice League; they may just be inclined not to rescue us from these evil agents of destruction and mayhem.

7) The borders of the Alpha Quadrant are still open to aliens like the Romulans, the Gorn, and the Vidiians- as if we don't have enough trouble managing incursions by the Breen and Cardassians. Friends, if this is allowed to continue, we will have to learn Klingon just to shop at our local convenience stores. Are people going to wait until the Star-Spangled Banner is sung in Tholian before they realize what a threat these illegal aliens pose to our way of life? We all should be demanding an Alpha Quadrant for Alpha Quandrians. What's the harm in that?

8) All this talk of wealth redistribution and regulating the markets is the first step toward creating a Borg Collective here in Sector 001. Mark my words, the next step after raising taxes on the super mega-wealthiest will be to have everyone's eyeballs pulled out and replaced with the latest Borg technology. Soviet-style detention centers will spring up over night and we will all be marched into the camps, but instead of bullets- we'll be treated to nanoprobes and mechanical devices for arms.

9) The people of this nation have forgotten that this nation was founded on DC morals by people in search of Batgirl's promise of justice and freedom. This fact has been wiped clean from our history books by the multi-comic bookists. Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and George Washington were all believers in the Batman who felt that our schools and public institutions should be run by the JLA and those who adhere to their word. If they didn't mention any of our Heroes by name in the constitution, it's because the Founding Fathers didn't want to reveal their secret identities.

10) No matter who wins this election, DC Comicbookists and Star Trekiologists will continue to be the most oppressed people in the world. The fact that they canceled Enterprise half-way through the show proves that it is us against the infidels who run this world. Cartoon Network was once a vassal spreading the Justice League's Truth. Now you turn it on and all you get is Iron Man.

Truly, no group of people has ever had to endure the level of hatred, oppression and humiliation that we endure each and every day. And that is why everyone should be pissing their pants, violently trembling and hiding under their beds when they think about this upcoming election.

Special Election Coverage 2008: Gun Control

2008-10-27T20:15:00.007-04:00

It has been said, "if guns are outlawed, only the Penguin's henchmen will own guns". And there is a lot of truth in that wisdom. But what can we expect from a bunch of Hollywood liberals and their media friends who care nothing for the teachings of Vigilante and the Green Lantern. In fact, we wouldn't be surprised if these same pinkos wanted to take away our green power rings when they've done confiscated all our hunting rifles.

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets have another saying, "Gun control means pointing your phaser at the right people and setting it to kill only when it's necessary".

And if you need further proof, here is a passage from the DC scriptures that let's us know where the Batman stands on this crucial issue that is so vital to our homeland security:

So you see, we need to be careful about who we're voting for this November. One wrong flip of the switch- the next thing you know you'll be stripped of all your defenses when the Legion of Doom barges into your house and induces your children into a life of crime.

Tags:
Gun Control, Election 2008, Phasers, Batman

The Sixth Pillar of Star Trek

2008-10-27T19:32:00.014-04:00

My man, Bill Lynch, from Don't Print This asks:

"Will this mean there will be a 6th pillar when the movie comes out in the Spring?"

Now, it is common knowledge that Bill walks with Captain Kirk and carries the Word of Starfleet in his heart. But I'm afraid there will be no 6th pillar.

Friends, we will wait and see just what this new movie has to offer us as far as sacred and literal truth goes, but there will be no new series on the Truth. The chance for redemption has almost past. This Starfleet has promised us and they have grown tired of infidels and false believers who claim to cherish the messsage then secretly pray to the Borg when they think no one is looking.

What we might think of as "a 6th Pillar" will come only after World War III has been launched and 3/4 of the planet has been wiped out. After that glorious day of battle the new series will, in fact, be our very lives. The Vulcans will land in Montana and only those who hear Captain Picard's knock on the door will rushed into the new era of peace and prosperity. Everyone else will be sent in shuttle pods to the Delta Quadrant where they can join their masters in the Borg Collective and live out the rest of their miserable existence as mindless automatons.

Yes, friends, the day is almost at hand. And we as faithful adherents to the message of the Prophet Gene Roddenberry have a duty to prepare the way for the Vulcans by creating a society that reflects the values and decency that can only be found within each episode of Star Trek. Those who do not believe we, as Starfleet's chosen, should be running this pious new government can experience first hand the effects of what it feels like to blasted with phaser on stun at point blank range.

Because it's all about tolerance, peace, and understanding (but only for those who agree with us). This is the message we hold dear above all else.

So let us prepare for the 6th Pillar, the pillar to end all pillars, by preparing ourselves and our nation for the Kingdom that is the United Federation of Planets.

Won't you join us before its too late?

Tags:
Five Pillars, United Federation of Planets, End Times, World War III

Ask the High Priest

2008-10-18T10:07:00.007-04:00

It's time once again to open the door and allow people to ask this church a few questions about life. Unlike our public schools which are run by Borg drone collaborators and people who think that loving the Joker is cool, we seek to educate people with a balanced perspective with emphasis on the Truth that has been given to us by the Justice League of America and Our Holy Starfleet Captains. We may not have the answers to all life's problems, but we promise that you'll find more answers here than you will here. If you didn't get a chance to submit your questions before the deadline, feel free to leave a comment and I will run it by the Intergalactic Board of Elders. Let us begin.

Dear Reverend of Unquestionable Truth,

What are your feelings about recent events on Wall Street and do you believe that this is the end of our nation?

- Adherent to the Literal Word of the Flash

Dear Adherent,

That's a good question. Frankly, we believe that this nation was doomed the minute they canceled the Fifth Pillar of Star Trek (Enterprise). Granted, Captain Jonathan Archer's style of preaching was a little dry and the stories didn't stack up to those told in Deep Space Nine and the Next Generation, but Captain Archer did carry the word of Starfleet Command with which means that you and I are in no position to judge the method of delivery. We simply have to hear the words and obey. Everything else is just simply Borg material.

Now, when I heard the news that Enterprise was being canceled, I knew something rotten was going to happen. To top things off, the channel that claims to cherish the Message, Cartoon Network, stopped airing new episodes of Justice League Unlimited as delivered to through the Prophet Bruce Timm. I set down my copy of the Batman Chronicles and told our deacons, "now they've done it. Within a few years gas will be $4 a gallon, people will begin losing their homes and the stock market will crash". It turns out I was right.

You see, this is simple logic. When a nation turns its back on the JLA and Starfleet, Starfleet and the JLA will turn their backs on us. While I do believe that there was some Ferangi involvement in this sub-prime mortgage and inflated stocks scandal, it is our nation's reluctance to give itself over to the Five Pillars of Star Trek and the teachings of the Batman that is the cause of all our woes.

Dear Reverend High Priest,

I'm really worried about our economy. The news seems like it's much worse than most of think. Is there anything we can do to ward off imminent disaster and total destruction?

-Concerned Follower of Batgirl's Righteous Path

Dear Concerned,

First off, imminent disaster and total destruction are unavoidable. However, there is good news to found within the Five Pillars of Star Trek. If we busy ourselves preparing the way, the Vulcans are going to land in Montana and all of those who believed in Captain James T. Kirk will be saved. Make no mistake, those who laugh at the Star Trek scriptures now will be crying later. They'll be beating on the doors of the Vulcan shuttlepod and asking for forgiveness. But the Vulcans will not hear them; for their fate will be sealed.

As for our economy, I can only tell you that we, as a nation, have strayed from the founding principles of the United Federation of Planets. This is why we are experiencing such woes. The only way we are going to restore this country to its formal glory is to put Captain Jean Luc Picard back in our schools. Once the public begins confessing their sins to Starfleet Command and praying to our Holy Starfleet Captains, our spirtual lives will become whole again and our economy will follow.

Dear Reverend Elvis D,

We cannot see how you can continue to spread lies about any Starfleet Captain other than Captain Kirk. Jean Luc Picard was a fraud and the real Trekiologists are still waiting for a real Starfleet Captain to come and lead the Enterprise on a new mission to explore strange new worlds and seek out new civilizations. Do you have any proof to offer us that can show Picard was the prophesied Captain that the original scriptures fortold?

- The Only First Officer was Mr. Spock

Dear Only,

Yes, we can prove it. If you look to the scriptures, you'll see that Star Trek Next Generation 1:1 says:

For Captain Picard so loved the Federation He stood on the bridge of the Enterprise and spoke to the masses, "Let's see what this Galaxy-class starship can do".

I think it's plain to see from this verse that Jean Luc Picard was a Starfleet Captain and that every word He says is the literal truth. Just remember that if you add something the scriptures, the Borg will add a body part to you just as if you take away from the scriptures, the Borg will take a body part from you.

Dear High Priest of Eternal Rightousness,

We have a little bit of money that we are thinking of using to invest in our future. Are there any stocks or bonds you recommend buying?

- In Love with Captain Janeway's Wisdom

Dear In Love,

Money is the root of all evil and it is immoral to have too much of it, unless of course you are Bruce Wayne or Ollie Queen- and you're not.

So what we recommend you do with this money is give it all to us. We can use this money to study the evil it creates and lobby our politicians to launch World War 3 so that the Vulcans will come to earth a little early and save those of us who believe in the Word of Star Trek and DC Comics from a world infested by Borg automatons and Dominion shape-shifters. We accept cash, checks, money orders and credit cards.

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets thanks you for submissions. As always, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Two Counts of Heresy from this Year's Election (and yes, we're keeping count)

2008-10-17T17:57:00.008-04:00

So here, we have somebody who has superimposed John McCain's head on our beloved Starfleet Captain, James T. Kirk. As if any mere mortal can come anywhere close to being our revered Captain Kirk. And a Gorn ally with a McCain sign! Where is a stake and some matches when you need 'em. I mean how much more offensive can this get?

Well....

Here we have a presidential candidate claiming to be born on Krypton. And he claims he's the son of Jor-El on top of that. There is only one Superman and it is in His grace that we dwell. This is so offensive that it damn near burned out my eyeballs.

Friends, I tell you. If this nation doesn't clean up it's act, we are all going to perish and the Vulcans are never going to land in Montana. If we don't stop mocking our Heroes and start getting serious about the lessons that are taught to us through the Five Pillars of Star Trek and DC Comics, we will never see the United Federation of Planets. Instead, the Borg and the Dominion will be fighting over our smoldering ashes for control of the Alpha Quadrant. Nothing could present a more serious threat.

A High Priestly Moralistic-ish Hat Tip to the Godfather for alerting us to this perilous new development.

The Biggest Threat Facing Our Country: Names of Sports Teams

2008-10-16T17:37:00.012-04:00

Last year, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays became just the Rays and we're sure that people who read the comic book known as the Holy Bible are thrilled. And they should be. How offensive is it to have a major league sports team celebrating one of your most notorious arch-villains.

Yet, as usual, no one cares about our sensibilities. I'm sure no one cared that a "Devil Ray" also represents the Black Manta, a supervillian whose primary goal is the eminent destruction of Aquaman. New York and San Francisco house "the Giants"- like people everywhere shouldn't live in prepetual fear of Giganta and her sinful wrath. I mean millions of DC Comicticians around the nation are forced every fall to stand by and watch as the Pittsburgh Penguins roll out onto the ice for a game of professional hockey.

This has to stop. The Penguin is no laughing matter and every time Pittsburgh excels toward the Stanley Cup, we are teaching our children that it is OK to turn our backs on the Batman and His teachings to embrace one of his deadliest foes. Should any decent society tolerate the shameless promotion of a dangerous criminal like Oswald Cobblepot?

And while we're on the subject, this church commands you to root for the Tampa Bay Rays should they win because supporting an NL team like the Philedelphia Phillies amounts to apostacy and uncouth moral depravity. Two reasons:

1) No pitcher should be forced to bat. A wise man once said, a nation can be judged by how it treats it's professional league pitchers. What does this say when an entire league makes a guy bat when he needs that arm to throw 90 mile an hour fastballs?

2) When we speak of the Justice League, we speak of the Justice League of America- not the Justice League of the National. I think it's clear which baseball league our Heroes want us to support: the American League.

(We hereby repeal this commandment in advance and retract these statements should the New York Yankees win the pennant in the near future.)

In the meantime, we need to get those petitions and protest signs ready so that we may force the Pittsburgh Penguins to become something a little less offensive like the Pittsburgh Martian Manhunters and convince San Francisco to go from the Giants to the San Francisco Starfleet Captains.

Tags:
Tampa Bay Rays, Baseball, World Series, Pittsburgh Penguins

Missing from the Debates

2008-10-08T17:56:00.011-04:00

People are always asking me, "Reverend D., can you prove to us that our nation is controlled by Borg automatons as you're always telling us?" And they ask it with sincerity as if I have to prove anything to heathens, heretics, and non-believers. I obtain my knowledge through Elders who obtain their knowledge through the Five Pillars of Star Trek and then I administer that knowledge to those who seek to have their thirst for Truth quenched.

But if non-believers insist on proof that everything taught to us by the Prophet Gene Roddenberry is the literal Truth then I will point those people in the direction of the metric system; or the lack thereof here in the United States.

Let's look at the metric system. Here is a system that is easy to understand and calculate. It's based on a set of tens. A kilometer is 1000 meters, a centimeter is 1/100 of a meter, and a milliliter is 1000th af a liter. It's simple and it's easy. Most importantly it's what is used in the only running television show that tried to teach you about the mysteries of life and how you need to live it almost every week from 1966 to 1969 and from 1987 to 2005. Yes, when Captain Picard spoke of distances, He spoke of kilometers.

But what do we have here in the US? We have the customary system. Instead of using the meter and its principles of tens, we use the size of some old king's foot as a standard of measurement. Then we have the inch which is one twelfth of a foot, a yard equaling three feet. Instead of something simple like kilometer to the meter, we get: 1 mile= 5,280 feet.

Now I ask you. Why in the hell would Americans be so resistant to change from this "36 inches equals a fuckin' yard" to a measurement system that actually makes some damn sense?

The answer is a four letter word and it's spelled B-O-R-G. What a better way to keep Terrans down and prevent us from knowing the Truth that comes from knowing the Federation than to boogle our minds with a system that cave people came up with when they were trying to figure out who had the biggest clubs or how much saber bear they were supposed to consume during a meal.

You never heard Captain Jean Luc Picard tell His helm to take the Enterprise 5 miles away from an imploding supernova did you. That's all the proof you need.

Tags:
Metric System, U.S., Customary System, Foot

Beth Walker Will Protect Us From the Joker

2008-10-02T20:46:00.010-04:00

The First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens gladly stands behind Beth Walker for the Supreme Court of Appeals here in the state of West Virginia. Hell, we really admire this woman. Anyone who can get up on TV and say they believe in some wimpy-ass hero called God who doesn't have heat ray vision or the tactical knowledge to lead a Galaxy-class starship into battle with a Borg armada has got to have something going for them.

Besides, we are convinced that Beth can rid this state once and for all of the Legion of Doom. These criminals she speaks of have been coddled too long if you ask us and West Virginia has become a haven for supervillains. Why do you think the Black Manta placed his new headquarters right off the shores of the Kanawha? With Beth on the Supreme Court we can chase him back to the Atlantic where Aquaman can deal with him and that, friends, is something worth fighting for.

I tell you, all these liberal activist judges who impose their values on everyone (instead of imposing ours) have got to go. Everytime a child is forbidden to pray to the Almighty Batman to keep his school safe from the Penguin and his deadly umbrellas, the Legion of Doom scores a victory at the expense of Justice League of America loving citizens like us. Beth will serve to protect our values and our families from Gorilla Grodd and his treacherous mind beams. Is their anything that could be more important than that?

We love Batgirl and we aren't afraid to stand up and say it in public. The activist judges who love the Joker and Lex Luthor's plan for world domination can't stop us. This what true freedom is all about.

Let the Christians tear down the wall between church and state and then we can replace their bogus philosophies, pictureless comic books, and weak heroes with the real Truth that can only come from DC Comics and the Five Pillars of Star Trek.

So if you're going to vote this year vote against the Legion of Doom and their attempts to drag all of West Virginia down into the bowels of Arkham Asylum. It's not just our state that is at risk; but our eternal souls that yearn to one day see the Hall of Justice when we reach the afterlife.

Tags:
Beth Walker, West Virginia, Justice, God, Second Amendment

Preistlyish-like Hat Tip to my man, Chris James at A Sour Apple Tree for directing me toward the inspirational documentary above.

Make That 36- McCain/Palin '08

2008-09-30T18:43:00.014-04:00

The First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets proudly joins with 35 other tax-exempt churches' pastors to endorse McCain/Palin for the White House. The IRS can kiss our Justice League-loving asses because we are not going to pay taxes, but we are going to help throw this election and see to it that this damn wall protected by secular humanist liberals which separates church and state falls even harder than the one the commies built to divide the city of Berlin, Germany.

If we can't have Dick Cheney, a real man of the people, we'll settle for Sarah Palin. It's time for us to bury the hatchet (at least until this election election is over) with all those pictureless comic book fans who tell lies and spread falsehoods about prophets, saviors, and a God who can't even pilot a starship. We need to focus on the one thing we have in common: creating a theocracy and bringing about the end of the world as we know it. Maybe we can even cut a deal: they can hang their witches and devil worshipers if we can burn Dominion sympathizors to the stake and round up all the suspected changlings and place them in front of a few firing squads.

Now, you're probably wondering why would support a guy whose more than likely linked directly to the Borg Queen herself and a woman who takes her marching orders directly from Gorilla Grodd and Poison Ivy and other notorious card-carrying members of the Legion of Doom.

Well, here's our reasons:

1) With fundamentalist Christians at the helm we have have a better change of unleashing our nuclear arsenal on the rest of the world. And like us, they would destroy all those useless cities and incinerate all those people in the name of peace and love. The only difference is that they believe Jesus Christ will come down on a cloud to set things right; whereas we know the Truth as taught to us by the Prophet Gene Roddenberry. The Vulcans will be the ones coming, not Jesus. I mean, you ever heard of a warp-powered cloud? I hardly think so. When the Vulcans arrive even the Christians will be forced to embrace their logic.

2) Governor Palin's overwhelming and superior knowledge of foreign policy. Let's the face the facts: from 1922 to 1991, the Soviet Union practically acted as a beacon sending messages to the Borg Collective's home world over in the Delta Quadrant feeding them information on how best to conquer the Alpha Quadrant. That threat is still with us today and Palin has single-handedly kept the Soviet Premier Vladamir Putin from invading and taking over the state of Alaska where they would undoubtedly hand it over to the Borg for assimilation.

3) The daily threats we face from the Borg, the Dominion, Lex Luthor, the Rouges Gallery, the Romulans, and the Joker cannot be handled by a bunch of wimpy ass, liberal, lefty socialists who foolishly believe that you can bring about peace, love and equality by promoting peace, love and equality. We join hands with the pictureless comic books fans in acknowledging that the only way to create a better world is to bomb the living shit out of every living thing on the planet. It's the only way to show them how much we love them and how we want them to join us and how we want their quality of life to be just as good as our own.

4) The most important reason we are supporting McCain/Palin in contrast to some of the sermons we have been preaching is because we are the leaders of you church and you don't question our decisions. We believe in democracy and the American way; therefore we give your orders and you follow them. We tell you how to think and you obey. This, friends, is true freedom and if you haven't learned this simple fact by now, say "Hi" to the Riddler when you're locked up in Arkham Asylum for all eternity.

There you have it. Now, get your weekly church contributions in immediately so we can help install an administration that will bring us another eight years of peace and prosperity.

Tags:
McCain/Palin, 2008, Putin, Borg, Nukes, Vulcans

Conversations with Batman

2008-09-30T17:58:00.006-04:00

As I walk the beach on a cool summer evening I find myself sitting upon a rock and sitting in silence.

I meditate and try to feel the strength that flows from the Green Lantern's might. I picture myself floating in the center of the universe near the planet Oa; where the Guardians first gave life to the Green Lantern Corps. I feel their cause of justice flow through me like a warm breeze, but it brings me no peace. If I were to be handed a Green power ring, would I find it? My very being yearns for this peace like a drowning clown yearns to shed his floppy shoes so that he may gracefully move his body forward and kick his way through the water to safety.

I begin walking again in the empty land of nature's music. I stare out upon the ocean and a voice cries out through my mouth from an unwilling soul that rests within my weary body, "Batman! What is this all for?"

There is no answer.

So I keep on walking in search of the Eternal Meaning. A brief glance into the sky brings forth but a shimmer of the Batsignal in the clouds and my heart takes this as a sign that the Bat is indeed with me. I can't see His footprints so perhaps He is carrying me or maybe he has a new car that doesn't leave no tracks. For I am riding shotgun where the Boy Wonder should be sitting.

So I ask Him, "Batman, what is the meaning of life?" He doesn't respond or even look in my small direction, but I'm sure that he is there; nurturing my doubts and guiding me through times of trouble. Again I am silent, for the Batman is with me. What more could I need?

Here, I am safe from the Joker and the laughing gas..........

To be continued.

Special Election Coverage 2008: Voting Pro-Protouniverse

2008-09-22T18:58:00.009-04:00

The November election is almost upon us and we ask you, have you given any thought today to the right of the protouniverse to exist?

We've told you this once before, but we must reiterate our orders. You have to vote pro-protouniverse if you want to avoid the pain, agony and damnation of being linked to Borg collective for all eternity. This isn't a request. If you want to walk with Starfleet and commune with your righteous fellows of this church, we expect you to take our orders about voting seriously.

The Star Trek scriptures teach us of how our beloved Captain Benjamin Sisko made the choice and He chose life protecting the proto-universe at all costs (Star Trek DS9 2:17). Therefore, we demand that His example be written into law so that we may force our beliefs on everyone because ours are the only beliefs that are true.

Is it too much to ask for you to get and line and vote the right way? Look at all the sacrifices Captain Sisko has made for you by defending our way of life from the Dominion. All we're asking is that you check out every candidate from county commissioner to assessor to state senator to the presidency and find out where they stand on the rights of the protouniverse. Find out whether they support the protouniverse's right to exist or whether they believe that these infant universes should be eliminated on demand. We don't want universe killers running our government. Do we? Do we want nine Supreme Court Justices who would vote to kill the beginnings of an entire universe? No. And we don't want them running our school boards either.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Reverend D., what about the economy, the environment, our national infrastructure?" And my reply is- what do you think the Borg would do to our economy? They don't use money and they don't have no need for roads. As for the environment, have you ever seen a planet after a Borg invasion? You can't argue with this logic. No, friends, protecting the right of the protouniverse to exist is the greatest mission upon which we can embark.

So you need to know where the candidates stand on this important issue. It is the only issue that you as a non commissioned officer need concern yourself. Don't worry about this life. If you vote the way we instruct you, the next life will be filled with the pleasure and joy that comes from serving aboard the Enterprise E with Captain Picard or on Deep Space Nine with Captain Sisko and Major Kira; a life free from pain and high gas prices and a slumping economy and all those commie Borg collaborators running our media outlets- the ones who pretend a nation's well being is more important than Federation values.

Remember your priorities, friends. That's all we ask.

Tags:
Pro-life Voting, Election '08, Right to Life, Candidates, Religion, Republicans

Special Election Coverage '08: Putting the Truth About Creation Back in Our Schools

2008-09-19T19:29:00.009-04:00

The news reports that vice-presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, wants creationism taught in public schools. In case you're unfamiliar with this term, "creationism" means teaching kids that some guy with big white beard created the heavens and the earth all by himself in seven days. The story of creationism comes from the pictureless comic book known as the Holy Bible and it includes an account of how this guy who calls himself God and goes by the superhero name "Jehovah" created men (Adam) out of some dust and women (Eve) by ripping out one of Adam's ribs.

Simple logic can dispel this madness. First of all, we know that God never enlisted in Starfleet, was never promoted to captain, and was never put in charge of a Galaxy-class starship. This smacks against everything that a true believer holds dear. If someone can't lead an armada to fight the Borg, then how can he lead the creation of a planet? I mean let's think about this for a minute.

Second, there is no indication that God had access to a tricorder. How are we supposed to believe that this medical wonder could have occurred with out the use of this indispensable technology? The Star Trek scriptures teach us of how Commander Data created life when he made his daughter. It is sheer blasphemy to suggest that any being could rival the intelligence and ingenuity of the Federation's only functioning android. I think it's safe to say that this Jehovah guy couldn't even create an interesting holosuite, let alone a world. And if he could, why the hell didn't he? For that matter, why didn't he take a couple extra days to invent photon torpedoes and starships? Was he unaware of the hostile aliens which live within the borders of the Gamma and Delta Quadrants?

An omniscient being? I hardly think so.

Lastly, it is an affront to our faith and the Truth to suggest that Captain Jean Luc Picard was wrong in His discoveries on how life began on earth. The scriptures teach us that our DNA was programmed to evolve by a group of conscientious aliens and Captain Picard was whisked back in time by Q to witness the first combustion that would eventually lead to intelligent beings. It's right there in the episodes, people. How much clearer does it need to be?

This is what we want taught in our schools. We need to rid ourselves of Darwin and Palin and get straight down to the facts. If only our children could be made to pray to Starfleet and watch the Next Generation episode "All Good Things...." everyday for twelve straight years. Anything less would be offensive and intolerable to us. We won't stand for heretical teachings in our public schools without a balance that is sensitive to those who believe that the Vulcans are on their way to bring peace and restore the planet.

Tags:
God, Sarah Palin, Creationism, Darwin, Public Schools

A Prayer for Humility

2008-09-16T19:26:00.005-04:00

At the request of my man, Jackie, we would would like to repost this very sacred prayer so that people everywhere can have something in their lives that will bring them a little bit closer to the Hall of Justice.

Now friends, let us bow our heads in prayer.

Dear Hawkgirl, who art from Thanagar, hallow be thy name.

We ask you to help us through our errors and mistakes that we make as we dwell in this sector. For we are only mortals beneath the glorious grace of the Justice League's watchful eye. Please guide us through these perilous times and help us to avoid the temptations laid out for us by the Legion of Doom and their deadly mind control beams.

We understand the trials and tribulations that you were forced to undergo when the Thanagarians invaded this planet. We understand how difficult the choice must have been having to choose between your people and your friends in the Justice League. We can only hope to have but a mere ounce of your courage and your strength as we struggle with problems that pale in comparison to your own.

Oh mighty Hawkgirl, we praise and honor you daily and ask that you continue to spread your wings over the quadrant. We ask that you continue to smash the bad guys, falling asteroids, and all those who would choose to oppose our beliefs with your powerful mace.

In the name of justice and all that is Holy we pray to you,

Amen.

Tags:
Hawkgirl, Shayera Hol, Humility, Prayer

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 8

2008-09-12T18:17:00.012-04:00

In the comic book world of the Holy Bible, in the pictureless graphic novel known as "the New Testament" they tell a story about a woman known as the Virgin Mary. We don't know if this was her superhero name, but there are also references to her as the Madonna. So we can't be sure what name she went by or if she wore a cowl and leather when she became "the Madonna" because the people who published these comics weren't considerate enough to draw us any pictures- any faith that doesn't consider this stuff important is doomed to failure.

What we do know is that Mary is considered a hero to the people who read these comic books. She didn't seem to be much of a crime fighter, but she did endure quite a bit throughout her life.

One superpower she does seem to have is the ability to impregnate herself without a partner which would be an indispensable quality if we needed to quickly form an army of people to fight off the Legion of Doom. Within two or three years, she could have popped out four new Teen Titans. But, as far as we know, she never signed up to become a member of the Justice League so all that talent was wasted on some guy who came here to bring peace.

A story of interest is the one where she was pregnant and she went with her new husband to find a hiding place from some supervillian named King Herod. Apparently, Herod had all the newborns around him killed because some fortune teller told him that a baby was about to born who would eventually rule all the nations including his own. Mary and her new sidekick, Joseph, eventually found Bethlehem where she gave birth to Jesus and then kept him safe for a team of shepherds to visit after following a star or a flare from a gun- we're not sure which because, again, there are no pictures to illustrate what really happened.

Now, just imagine if the Black Canary were in this situation instead of Mary.

If some supervillian had put out a death threat on the Black Canary, She would have kicking people's asses all over the Mediterranean. Pregnant or not, any soldier who approached Her would be picking up their teeth and rolling around on the floor to keep from drowning in their own blood.

The Black Canary would have went straight to the source and rode her bike on over to the palace and cornered King Herod just before tattooing his face with her knuckles. She'd be kicking "the King" all over his bedroom and bashing his head into walls. For the grand encore, she would have let off a siren wail that would would have brought the entire castle to the ground. There wouldn't have been a guard in that palace that would have been able to stop Her. The ones brave enough to face Her would quickly fall and the rest would have run off screaming like babies and pissing in their tunics.

So you see, the choice here is obvious. In a really tight spot would rather have have the Virgin Mary come to aid or would you want the Black Canary to come screaming onto the scene to rescue you and make all of your enemies pay. I mean immaculate conception is nice, but it ain't nothing compared to a glass shattering scream followed by some ass-kicking judo.

A Few Revisions

2008-09-11T19:21:00.004-04:00

Friends,

I'm sure you noticed we've been away. The Elders and I have been gone these past few weeks because we have been consulting an independent citizens' panel on how better to run this holy institution and how to herd more sheep into that glorious place that the world knows as the Hall of Justice; a place where all your worries and fears will smother in the shadow of the Batman, Wonder Woman and the JLA.

Here are the panel's major recommendations:

1) They have suggested that we raise our salaries by 33% and cut our actual working months down to two. Now, if that sounds like a state legislature near you, it's probably just a coincidence.

2) They have told us that our membership fees are too low and that we need to raise the premiums on our members. They seem to think that we're not being competitive enough with other major faiths. Afterall, every good capitalist knows that competition breeds innovation especially when it's done on the backs of those who can least afford it. Mix religion with capitalism and what you have is a Molotov cocktail ready to explode and spread a zealous fire of pure righteousness.

3) Lastly, this panel feels that we're not emphasizing enough negativity in our sermons. This also has to do with competition. Other faiths scare their people with some boring place called hell when we have the Borg Collective and Arkham Asylum to hang over people's heads. I mean let's face it. Hell looks like a really fun Halloween party compared to being spread out on on operating table by Borg drones and having your eyeballs pulled out of your head with no anesthesia or any access to Vicoden.

So in the upcoming months we plan to implement these new suggestions in order to run a more effective soul saving operation. If you're not happy with these changes, think about how much you would enjoy having your arms and legs ripped off and replaced with the latest Borg technology.

All Praise Be to Hawkgirl for the light that this panel has shown to us and the world.

McCain's VP Pick

2008-08-23T11:20:00.014-04:00

Now that everyone knows who Barack Obama has chosen to run with him on the presidential ticket, it's time for the First Church released the information we've obtained concerning Republican candidate John McCain's choice for VP.

Here is who McCain will choose to run with him on his ticket:

So now we know why he's called the "green" Republican. His commitment to offshore drilling threw everyone for a loop, but we knew the real motives behind his attempt to take the White House. Once Poison Ivy is in the vice-president's mansion, the executive branch will settle for nothing less than the total annihilation of the Dynamic Duo.

If that isn't bad enough, we've also got pictures of McCain talking to some of the folks he plans to appoint to his cabinet:

Another Legion of Doom/Borg ticket. What a surprise.

The need for us to get those signatures together and draft Dick Cheney has never been greater. We know Cheney is also a Legion of Doom sympathizer and Borg operative. But at least with Dick in the White House, we can at least look forward to World War 3 followed by the Rapture that will come when the Vulcans land in Montana.

Friends, call now and get those prayers and donations in. The end times are near and what we do this November could decide the fate of the entire Alpha Quadrant.

Obama's VP Pick

2008-08-22T19:51:00.009-04:00

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets have learned who presidential candidate, Barack Obama, has chosen to be his running mate. The official announcement is planned for tomorrow.

Here he is:

This one's going to drive Hillary supporters nuts. Yes, Lex Luthor will be running with Senator Obama this fall and continue his war against Superman from the White House if elected. All those rumors about Obama being a "sleeper" were apparently true.

(We also know who John McCain is choosing for his running mate. That information will be released to the public this weekend as soon as church documents have been prepared.)

May the Justice League of America bless us all in this dire time of need.

The Five Pillars of Star Trek

2008-08-20T18:42:00.006-04:00

People are always asking themselves: just what are the Five Pillars of Star Trek?

No, they aren't the five movies that were worth a shit: Wrath of Khan, Search for Spock, Undiscovered Country, Generations, and First Contact.

They are: The Original Series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise. Each contains the literal Truth and each demands that you live a life of humility, a life worthy of Starfleet. Everything else that strays from the tenants of the Five Pillars is either produced by shape-shifters or strategically placed by the Borg and their sympathizors to lead people down the path of assimilation. Any questioning of the purity behind the Five Pillars means eternal separation from the United Federation of Planets and this, my friends, is worse than being reincarnated as a Klingon targ destined to be used for target practice in the woods somewhere on Romulus.

Now, you will meet some Orthodox Trekiologists, who believe that the scriptures ended with the conclusion of Captain James T. Kirk's original five year mission aboard the USS Enterprise. They cling to old ways and focus solely on the first Enterprise's mission of warding off hostile aliens from Sector 001. They fail to embrace the message of enhanced peace, mutual acceptance, and interspecies love that was first offered to us through the Next Generation and Captain Jean Luc Picard as well as the Holy Starfleet Captains who followed. It is important that we not reject the teachings of Captain Kirk, but we must also realize that Captain Picard was given to us by Starfleet to expand upon His mission. We must remember that Captain Benjamin Sisko risked His life to keep us safe from the influences of the Dominion and that Captain Kathryn Janeway devised the Only Plan that could keep us from being eaten alive by enzymes spat from the wicked mouthes of Species 8472. And of course, there is Captain Jonathan Archer who helped to forge the alliance that we now know as the Federation. Something so many Terrans take for granted these days.

Unfortunately, friends, these hardcore "TOS" orthodox types won't learn the real Truth until they're forced to fight the Dominion while their brains are hardwired to a dark alcove inside a Borg Cube floating through the space where the Gamma Quadrant meets the Delta Quadrant. There's no point in trying to argue with them or teach them that in the 24th century the Klingons will become our allies.

We must learn to study all five Pillars if we are to follow a path of righteousness. We must recognize the sacrifices of not just Captain Kirk, but of Commander Riker, Lieutenant Dax, and Ensign Kim. We must seek to understand that everything Captain Janeway stands for is pure and holy. Most importantly, we must acknowledge that every word in every episode from the Five Pillars is the literal truth. When the scriptures teach us that the Eugenics Wars happened in the 1990s- then that's exactly what it means. Stop asking questions and experience the joy that comes from accepting Starfleet Command as your only savior.

Redemption is our business here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. We are here to interpret the literal Truth behind the Star Trek scriptures for you so that your busy lives won't be burdened with too much unnecessary thinking.

Remember, there is no need to yearn for the things you deserve in this life because those who Believe in the Five Pillars of Star Trek will be commissioned aboard the Enterprise in the next. If there is any way we can help, please let us know.

Your God Can Heal the Dying? Give Us A Break

2008-08-19T18:12:00.013-04:00

I was checking out one of websites of that Biblical comic book enthusiast, Dr. Pat Robertson. Afterall, despite all the nonsense these folks peddle, occasionally the Christians will put up a picture or two of King David kicking someone's ass. And while we don't fully understand their foolish devotion to a jealous God who does shit like flood the whole planet when he should be putting his skills to work stopping diabolical criminals from destroying life as we know it, we do appreciate their attempt to present their stories in a way that civilized people can understand them- with cartoon drawings and speech balloons.

But then I came across an article so filled with blasphemy and heretical thinking that it immediately was brought to my attention.

A majority of Americans believe that God can intervene when a family member is dying, according to a new survey.

University of Connecticut researchers found that 57 percent the people they polled believe God can save a dying family member. They also found that more than 20 percent of doctors and medical workers felt that God can change a hopeless situation.

The study also points out that doctors should respect families who are hoping and praying for miracles through divine intervention.

"Sensitivity to this belief will promote development of a trusting relationship" with patients and their families, according to researchers.

Setting aside for the moment the proven fact that God has never commanded a Galaxy-class starship or applied for admission into Starfleet Academy or even submitted his name to be added to the Justice League of America's roster, we feel that this is a blatant and disgusting attempt by the Biblical comic book readers to imitate the one and only Dr. Leonard McCoy.

The Star Trek scriptures teach us of how Dr. "Bones" McCoy could heal the wounded and sick against all odds. And yet here are these people out there praying to some God who's probably busy planning to infest some poor old farmer's land with a swarm of locusts, when they should be sending their prayers directly through subspace to Dr. McCoy instead. I mean who knows better about how to change a hopeless situation then the crew of the original USS Enterprise? God? I hardly think so.

Friends, we must remember what the scriptures teach us: Bones is a doctor, not a bricklayer. His commitment to persevering the lives of sentient beings is beyond reproach. Yet, so many fail to heed the Word of Starfleet and listen to the simple message that the Prophet Gene Roddenberry has tried to pass on to humanity.

So the next time you have a dying loved one in the hospital, tell the nurses to start yanking out the plugs and stop all the treatments because with just enough faith in the Truth that can only come from the Five Pillars of Star Trek one can bring the real Doctor into the office and only then will lives be saved.

Return from Bizzaro World

2008-08-12T06:47:00.009-04:00

Friends,

It with great joy that I report to you that I have been rescued from Bizzaro World. The Elders have managed to beam me away for that world of insanity, but I have been instructed to tell you that they couldn't have done it without your prayers to Plastic Man and the Martian Manhunter. So we thank you for your devotion. There is a good chance that most of you will still be going to Arkham Asylum, but nevertheless we appreciate your support in this time of need.

I would like to inform you that before I left I did manage to turn a few people away from the blasphemy of Jean Gray's teachings and convinced them that Batgirl wasn't just some librarian who donned a cowl and at night, but a true Hero that has a plan for us all to follow if we wish to experience the eternal bliss that is offered to us through the Hall of Justice.

Upon my return there have been some startling developments. We have doubled our drive to get Dick Cheney drafted into the white house. When I left we had only one signature, now we have two. The drive to Cheney elected so that may realize our dream of starting World War 3 is well under way.

We have learned that two known Legion of Doom sympathizors have made news. John Edwards got caught in a love affair which would not be a deadly sinister had he done it while vacationing on Riza, but he chose to have this fling while inhabiting Sector 001. So he will be joining the Joker, Riddler, and Two-Face within the walls of Arkham. There's no point in him asking Captain James T. Kirk for forgiveness at this point. Those who have studied the the Original Star Trek scriptures know that Captain Kirk always avoided problems of the flesh when he was out exploring strange new worlds and seeking out new life and civilizations. Calling upon Him for understanding is a total waste of time.

Paris Hilton has also made the news in her recent announcement to seek the Oval Office. This church has documents proving that she has been conspiring with Gorilla Grodd and we have pictures of her sunbathing topless on the beaches of Bizzaro World with Star Sapphire and the Cheetah. Her heart is truly devoted to Lex Luthor and his sinister plans to take over this dimension so she has also secured a spot amongst the damned in Arkham.

So now that I'm back, I will have to get caught up on all the new lists of Borg collaborators, Legion of Doom sympathizors, and Rouges Gallery supporters. There is a very good chance that you are one them.

Until then we again proclaim with almighty conviction that Bruce Wayne is the only Batman and Robin is His Partner. And May Hawkgirl Bless You Always.

A Strange Dimension

2008-08-01T23:06:00.010-04:00

Friends,

I have some rather troubling news. I was giving a sermon on the wickedness that has befallen our country and how our nation has become a like one big dark city full of Legion of Doom operatives and Sinestro Corps sympathizors. I was preaching the Gospel of the Batman Chronicles and waving my finger in other peoples faces; explaining about how they were doomed to serve the Joker in his realm at Arkham Asylum when suddenly I was pulled away and dropped somewhere strange.

The Elders must have needed my spiritual guidance elsewhere and tried to beam me to another location for soul saving when an accident must have occurred that brought me here.

Those of you who have accepted Batgirl into your hearts and understand the wisdom of the Black Canary know that every word from the DC scriptures are true. Therefore, you know that the only explanation which could exist is that I have been inadvertently been beamed into Bizzaro World.

Proof? I'll show you:

At this point, you're probably thinking, "so what? A Marvelite shrine."

But no. There was a name plaque on the desk that said: "The Reverend Drinkus Elmo". There were signs on the wall that said "May Jean Gray Bless You Always" and "Iron Man Has a Plan and a Path For YOU to follow" and "The Incredible Hulk Is Your Only Chance for Salvation". I met my Bizzaro World counterpart and I might add that this High Priest strikingly resembled the same beautiful face that I greet in the mirror every morning:

For now, these Marveliteish fanatics from this parallel world have decided to let me live even though they tell me that my "DC heresy" is an affront to their fundamentalist beliefs in some Holy Land promised to them by the Captain America, the Avengers, and the Fantastic Four. Can you imagine such intolerance? Drinkus Elmo also answers to a parallel Intergalatic Board of Elders and they ordered him not to burn me at the stake even though they felt I was beyond redemption with my undying loyalty to the Batman.

Apparently, their plans are to study me and find some way to send evangelists from this Bizzaro World to force Spiderman's word upon Sector 2814. I managed to sneak into Reverend Elmo's office after he entered the Shrine of Daredevil so I could get this message out to you. I ask that you all pray to Aquaman and ask Him to help me escape from this crazy world where people believe that Prince Namor rules Atlantis.

Until then, wish me luck folks.

The Dark Knight Continues to Rule

2008-07-30T18:51:00.005-04:00

Can I get an Amen?

Take that shit Iron Man!

(Just kidding, Jackie.)

A Nation Tastes Righteousness

2008-07-25T22:54:00.007-04:00

As we've said before, now is the time to bring people into the light and share with them the love that can only come from the Justice League of America through the scriptures of DC Comics.

So when you're out in public and hear someone talking about how much they enjoyed The Dark Knight, it would be a damn good idea for you to sit down with them, share your thoughts, and ask them a few questions. Here are a few suggestions for things you'll want to ask:

1) Do you feel you have a friend in the Batman? Is there anything we can do to help you get closer to the Caped Crusader?

2) If you were to die tomorrow do you think your soul would enter the Hall of Justice or do you think you would be headed for Arkham Asylum for all eternity?

3) Now that you've experienced Batman's love for humanity, have you also given thought to Batgirl and the sacrifices She has made for you? Have you considered how Aquaman keeps Atlantis safe from evildoers and the Black Manta.

4) And now that you have seen the glorious works of the Bat, have you offered Him thanks lately? Have you knelt down in the direction of Gotham City five times today on a freshly laid out rug and prayed not only to the Batman, but also to Robin, Nightwing, Batgirl, and Zatanna?

5) And if so, have you also remembered to thank Plastic Man, Hawkgirl, and Booster Gold. Have you shown any appreciation to the Green Lantern Corps for defending our liberties against the likes of Sinestro and Star Sapphire?

If they have answered no to any of these questions, share with them some passages from the Batman Chronicles. Remind them that the Batman tells us, "all criminals are weak and cowardly". When they ask how you define "criminal", be sure that they understand that it means anyone who doesn't obey the strict orders of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets and its leaders.

Folks, it's time to take our message to the streets. The Justice League is calling out to all the world and asking them to repent and confess their sinisters. The opportunity has never been this great to create a nation that will stand like a beacon on the hill for our Heroes in the Watchtower.

Superman was sent here from Krypton to save us from our sinsiters. Is it too much to ask that we give Him something back in return? I think not.

The time to kneel before the Martian Manhunter is at hand, people. If we stand together and follow His path, we will all be saved.

Here's What We Can Do

2008-07-21T19:04:00.001-04:00

The Elders received the following letter via subspace:

Dear Reverend High Priest,

I'm really excited to report that people are lining up at our local theater to see the wisdom and experience the love that the Batman has to offer humanity. The people of my community are excited about the Dark Knight and they may be willing to surrender themselves at last.

A chance has appeared upon the horizon for us to bring this nation back to its DC Comics roots. People's lives are filled with despair and this just might be the best time for us to teach them about the salvation the JLA has to offer.

Is there anything we can do to help bring all these people who were raised in the Legion of Doom's secular schools into the light so they may understand that Batman and His friends in the Justice League are not just made up superheroes, but guardians of all things right who have a plan for us to follow?

Signed,
Alfred's Brigade to Liberate Humanity from the Joker

Our response:

Dear Brigade,

We thank the Martian Manhunter that people like you are out trying to make people see that the Hall of Justice awaits those who keep Batman and Robin in their hearts 24/7.

To answer your question, there are things you can do to help people see that the Justice League loves them and wants them to spend the afterlife in their grace.

First, don't be afraid to take a few copies of the Batman Chronicles to your local movie theater. Share passages from the scriptures with them and don't be afraid to beat on the cover with your fist when your warning them about an afterlife full of misery in Arkham Asylum if they refuse to hear the Word. There are worse things you can be in this world besides a DC Comic Book thumper.

Second, you should take the excitement surrounding his movie of righteousness and put it to work at your local school boards, city halls, and county commissions. Our public officials need to see that we aren't just concerned about the Joker's and his influence over our children, but Gorilla Grodd, the Cheetah, Black Manta, and Sinestros' too. Allowing kids to play football with the color yellow on their jerseys is paramount to child abuse. How they supposed to enjoy the Green Lantern's protection with this evil color surrounding them out on the field?

Lastly, we need to take the fanaticism surrounding this new found love for the Batman and put it to work in the voting booths. That way we can oust all these moral relativist liberals who stand in the way of a public inquisition so that may weed out all of the Legion of Doom sympathizors from our society. These people are responsible for this nation's decline and it is time we called on it. When America was devoted to Superman, we didn't have all these problems. Back when kids cherished their Flash comic books, gas was under a dollar a gallon. Simple logic tells us what went wrong, people.

Remember, the First Amendment doesn't separate religion and state, it simply prohibits the establishment of a national one. There is nothing in the First Amendment that says we can't scare the shit out children everyday with stories about the Riddler and Bizarro Superman. There is nothing in there that says we can't force them to kneel down before the Justice League of America before they start class every morning.

Now is the time for us to bring this country back to it's DC roots and praise Wonder Woman as a nation so that America may be once again restored to its glory.

The Dark Knight

2008-07-20T12:43:00.004-04:00

I remember when The Passion of the Christ came out on the big screen. I was thinking that this nation was truly lost. I mean here was this big revival taking place over some guy who didn't have a cool car or a cave from which to solve crimes.

Perhaps I was wrong afterall.

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 7

2008-07-19T12:28:00.002-04:00

It's time for people to realize that we have the answers that the others don't. The facts are simple- we're right and you're wrong and you really need to just face it, unless you want to spend eternity writhing in pain within the walls of Arkham Asylum.

I mean listen, we aren't narrow-minded bigots. We just don't tolerate anyone who disagrees with us. People who want to believe differently than we do have every right to live and breath- just so long as they do it somewhere else. People use the word fundamentalist like it's a bad thing. But when you have the answers to everything that matters while they don't, why should you suffer their presence. People who don't believe that every word from the DC scriptures is literal truth are blights on the body of the JLA.

I tell you, folks. If loving the Batman is wrong, we don't want to be right.

Some people think that DC Comics are just comic books published for the entertainment of children, but they are much more than that. The DC Scriptures have laid out a path for you to follow, if you want to join your Heroes in the Hall of Justice.

In this world that is filled with Sinestro Corps sympathizers and Legion of Doom influences, one church stands out like a beacon on a hill for people who love righteousness and the pursuit of justice. That church is the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. All other churches just follow some god with no heat vision and chase abstract notions that won't bring you any closer to the Truth.

Isn't it time you heed the call of the Watchtower and embraced the love and wisdom that is offered to us daily by the Martian Manhunter?

Firearms for Jesus

2008-07-16T06:41:00.007-04:00

Question of the day: what kind of a sissy ass god needs AK-47s, M-16s, and 9MMs? Answer: apparently, the one out of the big black comic book called the Holy Bible.

Or so says The Register.

An Oklahoma baptist church has insisted it will proceed with its controversial plan to give away an AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle* during a youth conference - a move described as "a way of trying to encourage young people to attend the event", according to local Koko 5 news.

Windsor Hills Baptist apparently has a history of worshipping God through firepower, and last year ran a shooting competition as part of its annual shindig. This year, it reportedly shelled out $800 for said trophy semi, but the church’s youth pastor, Bob Ross, claimed the main thrust of the conference wasn't about guns but rather "teens finding faith".

Anyone who understands the Batman's grace will shake their heads in disbelief. If the DC scriptures have taught us anything, it's that real superheroes don't need guns to fight evil. All they need are brains, strong determination and an absolute will to get the job done. Apparently, people who follow the plan of other superheroes from other comic books have missed out on this plain and simple Truth.

Well, most of time Batman doesn't use guns.

OK, Question time is over.

Draft Dick Cheney for President

2008-07-13T19:31:00.004-04:00

At the suggestion of Jennifer from Infinite Sphere, the First Church of DC Comictician and the United Federation of Planets has decided that Dick Cheney is the best man for the job of President of the United States.

We realize that he is Legion of Doom sympathizer, who probably gets his orders directly from Lex Luthor, and that he follows the plan of some God who can't even shoot laser beams from his eyeballs. But let's face it, Dick Cheney is a man of people. The U.S. hasn't had a vice-president this popular since Spiro Agnew. Plus he isn't a stuck-up, misogynist like Barack Obama. Hillary supporters ought to jump at the chance to write in Dick for President, since some of them seem so comfortable with the idea of supporting John McCain.

The biggest advantage we can see to having Cheney in the white house is that he is the most likely candidate to drag into some disasterous and bloody atomic war; hence giving those of us who have accepted the Prophet Gene Roddenberry's work as the literal truth a chance to get a little closer to the Vulcans.

We want a candidate who is ready and willing to sacrifice 3/4 of the human race for a world of ideology that is ready and prepared to embrace the arrival of Starfleet. Dick Cheney is our man.

So who's on board? Let's get those signatures together and draft a man who belongs at the helm of the US military (putting aside the fact that he dodged another less civilized draft). A man of sacrifice, a man of honesty and integrity, and a man who has redefined the words "living off the system". Draft Dick Cheney to the office of President of the United States.

Faith in Politics

2008-07-08T06:53:00.001-04:00

We have been paying close attention to religious aspects of this presidential election. It is very important to us that the next president fully understand the ways of the Captain James T. Kirk and that they express their solemn faith in the Justice League of America.

We've been pretty disappointed thus far. Neither candidate adequately displays proper knowledge of the Federation charter nor do they show any recognition of the threat presented by the Borg Collective's ongoing attempt to assimilate our public schools. Instead, they pander to some God who can't even be bothered to take the helm of a Galaxy-class starship and keep the Romulans from crossing into the neutral zone.

Then we stumble upon this from an editorial in the Washington Post:

"Painting Obama as a shameless shape-shifter is a way for his opponents to dull the enthusiasm (and inhibit the campaign contributions) of the war's staunchest foes. And if this image stuck, it could also hurt Obama among independents. They might vote for a hawk or a dove, but not a chameleon."

If Barack Obama is a changeling from the Gamma Quadrant- the American people have a right to know. He might end up calling on the Jem'Hadar to occupy this planet and in case you didn't know, the Jem'Hadar are deeply prejudiced against humans. The war against the Dominion is nothing to take lightly and those don't understand this have neglected to study the words of Captain Benjamin Sisko from the Deep Space Nine scriptures.

We have heard Obama referred to as a sleeper, but we had no idea how serious this really was. If one of the Dominion Founders, a shape-shifter, is allowed to sit in the Oval Office it will mean impending doom not just for Sector 001, but the entire Alpha Quadrant.

I don't think it's too much to ask that our religious views be respected and that all candidates running for public office undergo blood screenings to endure that they are, in fact, "solids". We also demand that routine phaser sweeps be conducted in all public buildings so that any changelings disguised as couches or coffee tables are detected.

Remember, the First Amendment doesn't call for the separation of church and state, it merely prevents the government from establishing a national one. In America, we are free to demand that our government be shapeshifter free.

Will McCain and Obama heed our call to respect our religious views and our faith based initiatives by submitting a vial of blood every morning for screening? That is the million dollar question.

It's All in How You Believe

2008-07-07T21:42:00.004-04:00

We received a few angry letters from some people who think we're too radical in suggesting that we set off the nukes a little early so that those of us who consider ourselves true believers can enter the golden paradise that is the United Federation of Planets sooner.

We say unto these people that what some view as nuclear holocaust and total annihilation; others view as a chance to bring the human race closer to the Vulcans.

Besides, it don't really look all that bad:

Endorsement for President

2008-07-05T23:39:00.011-04:00

Since we are a 501c3 tax-exempt religious institution, it's only fair that we endorse someone for president, actively campaign for that candidate and threaten everyone who doesn't support that candidate with Arkham Asylum and/or Borg assimilation.

Since this America and we have such a wide variety of candidates to choose from; we aren't certain yet whom we should support. So we have decided that we will endorse whichever candidate is the biggest proponent of dropping nuclear bombs on Iran. It's something that always gets brought up at press conferences with the potential candidates and we think bombing Iran or some other country with nukes is a sound policy for promoting world peace and general prosperity.

Why? Because the sooner we launch World War III and kill off 3/4 of the world's population, the sooner the Vulcans will land in Montana and solve all our problems for us. The sooner we launch this devastating war, the sooner we'll have replicators, phaser rifles, warp capable space ships, and entertaining holosuites. What's 75% of the human race compared to the stability, greatness, and importance of forming the United Federation of Planets?

This is just simple logic, folks. So we'll keep our eyes on the candidates and throw our support behind the one who will drag us all into a war that most of us won't survive, but we can always take comfort in the fact those of us who have discovered Starfleet and the Justice League of America will be raptured up into the Hall of Justice or commissioned aboard the Enterprise E with Captain Jean Luc Picard. Those who have chosen not to embrace the wisdom of this church and its leaders will face the alternative and enjoy an eternity that they have created for themselves by making bad choices.

We'll keep you posted since the salvation of your soul is our business and our primary concern.

Innocent of All Crimes

2008-07-05T09:55:00.009-04:00

Friends,

After a lengthy trial filled with rumors, falsehoods, and outright lies, I have been found innocent of all wrong doings. The judge had this to say after the verdict was read:

"We are pleased with the jury's decision because we came here with the full knowledge that the Reverend High Priest Elvis Drinkmo carries with him the love of Captain Jean Luc Picard and the blessings of the Batman. This court apologizes to the faithful members of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the Untied Federation of Planets for the inconvenience presented by this trial. Our system of justice promises a fair and swift trial for the accused and in this case Reverend Drinkmo was denied this justice after enduring more than two long weeks of awaiting an innocent verdict."

The court's apology has not been accepted by me or this church because we are well aware of the Legion of Doom's influence over our legal system and we also know that every branch of this government is sympathetic to the ideals of the Borg Collective. We have papers and files that clearly demonstrate the duplicity of our appointed judges and elected officials and we're waiting for the right time to present them to a national audience.

In case you were wondering, our lawyers got me acquitted by using an unprecedented "shape-shifter defense". Church lawyers argued before the jury that since the police did not conduct proper blood screenings at the crime scene, the court could not be certain whether the person actually found at the crime scene was me or some changeling from the Gamma Quadrant sent here to conquer the Alpha Quadrant a little early by assuming my form. The fact that Gamma Quadrant narcotics were found in the room only helped to strengthen our case. The drug in question was ketracel white, the same drug the Founders use to ensure loyalty amongst their Jem'Hadar soldiers.

Folks, I can assure you that it was not me at that hotel room with the X-Men's Emma Frost and Elektra. It must have been a shape-shifter, possibly the one who does Priceline.com commercials and calls himself William Shatner- while simultaneously claiming that he played Captain James T. Kirk in the scriptures.

Unfortunately the missing church treasury funds will not be recovered. No one is sure what happened to them. But before any more rumors start floating around, I want to make it clear that the yacht I recently bought was paid for by my own salary and will be used for the strict purpose of investigating recent developments concerning the Black Manta.

The Elders and I thank you for your patience and your absolute devotion to the Truth which can only be found the scriptures of DC Comics and the Five Holy Star Trek Series's. May Batgirl bless you always.

Scandal

2008-06-25T20:44:00.005-04:00

Good evening,

As one of the acting deacons to the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, I regret to inform you that the Reverend High Priest Elvis D. will be absent for a brief period due to incarceration.

The Reverend was apparently found last weekend unconscious and in an expensive motel room with Elektra and the X Men's Emma Frost. Police reports state the room was filled with large cash contributions, illegal narcotics from the Gamma Quadrant, a few Stargate Atlantis DVDs, Legion of Doom tee shirts, and a camcorder. There is also something in there about the High Priest allowing Emma Frost to dress him up like a Borg drone, but there is so much in this report to read, the church lawyers are attempting to skip over the small details and get straight to the legal matters.

We're sure that this is all just a big misunderstanding and we are certain that any jury will find the Reverend innocent of all crimes. So as soon as he is out or we can talk the warden into allowing him internet access, he'll back back at the pulpit telling all of you who walks with Batman and who is going to Arkham.

We appreciate your patience and your generous donations as we struggle through this time of need.

Justice (League) Denied, Time for Plan B

2008-06-19T22:51:00.006-04:00

We bring you some bad news today, folks. After being inspired by the movie Jesus Camp. We went out into the mid-west in search of a town or county where we could conduct a church camp for the Justice League of America. We found a place in Kansas that we thought would be suitable and even drew up some plans to request federal funding since the government seems to have eased up on their stand toward funding religious causes.

Well, we took our idea to the county commission and we couldn't believe their total reluctance to give us a plot of land so that we could teach young children the ways of the Bat. They stated that they didn't believe in green power rings, which is fine, by why deny the children the chance to learn about the Truth that has been taught to us by the Guardians of OA. Apparently, these commissioners don't support the troops from the Green Lantern Corps and we hope this is made public before the next election.

They raised objections to our planned use of baterangs and expressed serious concerns about our plans to teach these kids how to jump from twelve story buildings. We assured them that no child would be harmed, provided that they had enough faith in the Justice League, but our pleas fell on deaf ears. Apparently, there more concerned about inflicting a little pain than they are about these young souls being sent to Arkham for not being given a chance to learn the Word of Batgirl.

So now we're reevaluating our plans and have decided that a Starfleet camp might be more suitable for those who aren't prepared for the Martian Manhunter's wisdom.

At Starfleet Camp, kids can learn about how life really began on earth as well as on Vulcan, Andor, Tellar, and Q'onos. The can learn of Vulcan logic, how to mind meld, and how to employ the Vulcan deathgrip. There they can learn about the four quadrants of the galaxy and the various life forms that live in them. They can learn to speak Klingon and fight with bat'leths- casualties would be kept to a minimal.

Hopefully, when we present this new idea to the commission, they won't have us escorted out by police officers and armed guards. But if this plan fails, we will have no choice but to gather our followers and move to some remote place in South Carolina where we can establish a community based upon Federation values and Starfleet mores. We will have no choice but to separate ourselves from the people who refuse to acknowledge that James T. Kirk was Captain of the Eneterprise and Mr. Spock was His first officer.

We hope it doesn't come this, but the Vulcans are going to land Montana in less than fifty years and if we don't prepare ourselves we will never be delivered.

Words on Librul Hollywood Blasphemy

2008-06-17T06:48:00.007-04:00

From the AP:

Rome's diocese said Monday it has barred the producers of "Angels & Demons" from filming in two churches for the prequel to the "The Da Vinci Code" the popular book and film that angered many Catholic leaders.

Producers of the film, directed by Ron Howard and starring Tom Hanks, were turned down because the movie "does not conform to our views," said Monsignor Marco Fibbi, a spokesman for the diocese.

The crew had asked to film in the churches of Santa Maria del Popolo and Santa Maria della Vittoria, two architectural jewels in the heart of Rome that include paintings by Caravaggio, sculptures by Bernini and a chapel designed by Raphael.
Permission was denied in 2007, but the issue surfaced only now that filming is ongoing in Rome, Fibbi said. The Sony-produced film was put on hold during the Writers Guild of America strike that ended in February and is now scheduled for release in May 2009.

Fibbi's comments first were reported this week by the Italian entertainment magazine "TV Sorrisi e Canzoni." "It's a film that treats religious issues in a way that contrasts with common religious sentiment," Fibbi told The Associated Press in a telephone interview. "We would be helping them create a work that might well be beautiful but that does not conform to our views."

We congratulate the fans of that comic book called the Holy Bible on their influence.

No one paid any attention to us when Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher refused to respect DC Comics doctrine when they decided to tell lies to our children that the Joker killed Batman's parents and Harvey "Two-Face" Dent killed Robin's. No one cared when we led hunger strikes against the movie studios when they cast Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl making her blond instead of red-haired the way it has been told to us in the scriptures.

But in the end, it is the Batman and the Justice Leaugue of America that they will have to answer to.

Keep Marijuana Illegal

2008-06-12T21:12:00.007-04:00

Friends, it's the Reverend Elvis D. here and I like to talk to you about something very serious: Marijuana.

I have seen and heard people talk about decriminalizing this deadly drug which kills millions of people everyday and I ask myself, "have these people gone insane?" Legalize this plant and next thing you know teenagers everywhere will be lying around on their couches, chilling out, and listening to Bob Marley. I can't imagine anything more dangerous for a society.

There are several reasons why these lunatics think this poisonous weed should be allowed.

1) It could be used as an energy source. With oil being as plentiful and cheap as it is now, why the hell would anybody being thinking about alternative fuel sources? Damn.

2) It could be used for things like paper and it is easier to replace than trees. This is a really lame argument, it isn't like we need trees to breath or anything. These people need to get a grip.

3) It has medicinal purposes and can be used to treat chronic pain. I guess Vicoden and Oxycontin ain't good enough for some people anymore. Do you think Batgirl had access to medical marijuana when the Joker shot her in the spine and leaving her crippled? No.

And look, if we decriminalized pot, there wouldn't be as much need to blow our tax dollars on prisons and more cops and in this time of great peril that would be a serious travesty.

It may be an innocent looking plant to average person, but make no mistake; marijuana is the weed with the roots that lead to the Legion of Doom's headquarters.